Oh go on then. I'll re re re pearost.
Why has B3ta made me relive this WWWWWWWWHHHHYYYYYYYYYYYYY.
bEFORE i START-fecking caps lock- my tale of woe, a little background.

I used to live in Bangkok, and also like a bit of a drink. As such for many years I used to wake up still langered with strange girls in my bed. The usual thing to do in this situation is grope around a bit, then have a nice drunken bleary eyed morning shag then send the young lady on her way, with the money in her purse to keep her kids in shoes for another month.

You think this is going to be about waking up with a ladyboy don't you. You're wrong, that was last weeks QOTW. This is much much worse.

So I'd been away for a few years, and it was time to pop home to visit friends and family for a week. I arrived had dinner with the parents, and it was off down the pub for a session with the mates.

Now I like to think I can take my drink, but the combination of getting on the plane pissed, drinking for the entire flight- good old Thai air, they still ply you with drink to this day- then an evening down the local on top of my jet lag, and I was in a right state. At least I think I was, as I can't remember this part of the story, I'm pieceing it together from what I've been told, and a little deduction.

So it's 2 in the morning, the local gorgonzola city club is kicking out, and I need to go back to the parents house for some long overdue sleep.

But on arriving at the front door I had the old can't get the key in the lock problem, so in the end settled for sleeping on the garden path in front of the front door.

Now my dad is a baker, and as such gets up very early in the morning to go to work. So at around 5 he opens the front door to find me asleep on the path, wakes me up, tells me I'm an idiot, and sends me inside to go to bed.

I stumble upstairs climb into bed, and all is well with the world. I can remember none of this.

What I can remember, is waking up about an hour later- why is it when you've been on a proper bender you can only sleep for a short time, when what you need is a good eight hours?- in a darkened room, pissed out of my face, and a bit disorientated.

Now I thought I was still in my room in Bangkok, and true to form there was a nice warm body in the bed next to me. So what else could I do, but try and get it on. But things didn't go as usual, my advances were met with screams of Eden, what the fuck are you doing?

Yes, I had stunmbled upstairs, and got into bed with my mum. Apparently she had tried to kick me into my own bed, but to no avail, so had gone back to sleep, with me sleeping in her bed. Then I woke up and tried it on.

So the most horrific thing I've seen, is me, trying to fuck my mum.

Just recounting this brings back those suicidal feelings.

I'm off to book some more therapy.

Don't make the length jokes. Please don't.

*cries*
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 0:37, 36 replies)

FUCK ME
No comments could do this justice. Not even the 'I've fucked your mum' ones. Cos you have yourself. The only thing worse than this is trying it on with your granny!
(Wagane, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 0:55, closed)

How about an Eden/Mother/Granny threesome though? That'd be worse.
Just saying.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 8:33, closed)

oh. fuck. no.

(orestes is shitting in the 1940s, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 1:01, closed)

Fucking hell

(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 1:37, closed)

This doesn't get any less painful...
*click*
(McChinaman banned, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 2:35, closed)

Or any more amusing.
Is it really the only vaguely interesting thing that's ever happened to this alkie prick? Fucking hell.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 8:09, closed)

You not getting any sex again Dr?

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:07, closed)

again Ever.
( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:08, closed)

Are you foreign?

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:37, closed)

It's exactly this sort of blatant racialism
that has ruined b3ta.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:48, closed)

They should totally make you a Mod so that you can like totally ban me.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:56, closed)

Mother-fucker that's bad!!
Oh.. Sorry.
*clicks* whilst running away giggling.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Mon 27 Jun 2011, 2:50, closed)

Bert?

( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Mon 27 Jun 2011, 3:55, closed)

erm...
On the brite side, she didn't think you were her husband.
( kila is reading clocks upside-down as usual, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 4:03, closed)

That's incredibly
hot awful.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 7:35, closed)

How exactly did you try it on?
Did you rub up the badger or did you massage the baps? Did you place your hot saveloy between her poop pillows? I need to know desperately for my wank later on
( Michael Ellis contributes nothing, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 7:38, closed)

tell us, tell us

(Clit Ninja is having a white space party!, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 10:42, closed)

psst got any pics?

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 8:33, closed)

Best erotic story EVER.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 8:52, closed)

Did you manage to get your finger
up her arse?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:07, closed)

Finger? You need to be past the elbow to get a reaction in that blubbery wasteland.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:34, closed)

I'm sorry,
I've just cum.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:43, closed)

*gargles*
*dribbles*
*swallows*
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:47, closed)

This is how babies are made,
right?
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:59, closed)

babies bubbles

Yes.
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 10:10, closed)

Yay!
Cigarillos all round.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 10:14, closed)

I don't know what this means.
:(

edit ... wait ... what happened to the Clive Barker things ...?

You've ruined the internet for me.

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( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 10:18, closed)

*whistles*
Opera Mobile is messing with me.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 10:24, closed)

I hate you so much right now.
/kelis
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 10:30, closed)

Jesus Christ
I hope making the newsletter this week is some small consolation for the eternal mental trauma that must cause you.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 9:45, closed)

Assuming, of course it's:
a) True
b) He's not getting off on repeatedly writing about it.
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 10:21, closed)

There's probably a germ of truth ... he probably had a lager shandy and got in the wrong bed.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 10:27, closed)

lager shandy tiny cock
got in the wrong bed she didn't notice
( Tab Hunter Make this useless process end and so, begin again, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 12:34, closed)

There is no reason in the world
Why anyone would lie about this sort of thing.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Mon 27 Jun 2011, 13:19, closed)

List of reasons why somebody would lie about this sort of thing.
1) they're a needy prick on the internet
2) see (1)
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 13:37, closed)

Sweet zombie Jebus.
That is all.
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Mon 27 Jun 2011, 12:14, closed)