Me (white) with toddler in a pushchair (black)
Neighbour: will she be able to speak English?
Me: Errr, she IS English
Neighbour: Yes, but their mouths are different from ours, aren't they?

And this was in a wealthy middle-class neighbourhood, mind you.
( Bootsthealchemist is barred from the Masterchef Facebook page, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 20:46, 4 replies)

Quote from a ballet dancer I know
"I hurt my neck last week and it's still really sore. I can't understand why - my Mum did reiki on it."
(ubergeekian, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 20:31, 1 reply)

Combing your teeth
Some people are so ignorant that they think there's such a thing as a fine toothcomb. Dunno about you, but I've never had to comb my teeth before. I've combed my hair with a comb that has teeth, though. A fine-toothed comb, if you will.

I despair sometimes, I really do.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 20:31, 9 replies)

Wilful ignorance
There's nothing necessarily wrong with genuine, innocent ignorance. Not everyone can know everything, and I for one find joy in finding out something that I didn't know previously. Every day really is a school day.

Wilful ignorance, on the other hand, does my fucking head in. Wearing your lack of knowledge about anything of any worth like a badge of honour makes you a cunt. Denying yourself the pleasure of knowing things doesn't make you some kind of tough guy, it makes you an ignorant prick.

What especially burns my cockles is when you meet some ignoramus and put them right on something, or even just mention something that they're too fucking self-centred to have found out about, and then they make out as though you're pulling their leg, or even worse, as though you're thick for believing such things. YES, BEES AND ANTS ARE SPECIALISED FORMS OF WASPS. Why would I make that up? Why in fact would I make that up to tell YOU, you prick? You're a piece of shit. I wouldn't waste my time on making something up to tell you. If someone tells me something and I don't believe it, or I've never heard it, I sometimes take the effort to go and verify the claim. It's not hard. CUNTS.

... sorry, I seem to have gone on something of a rant there.
( CaptainCrackerjack live trout, slow motion, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 20:22, 8 replies)

We get asked lots of truly ridiculous stuff at the zoo
At least twice a year someone will contact us to enquire if it's true the lions weren't fed meat during the second world war. Well, obviously it's not true; without meat, they would die; meat is essential in a lion's diet. I've been told this originates from something in the Bible about lions and lambs sharing the field at the end of times, or something. The rationing did have some affect on their diet though, part of their diet came from Battersea Dogs Home.

We've been asked this so many times over the years we have a template email we reply with now.

Of the less face palm variety of ignorance, and actually quite nice revealing this to people, is Winnie the Pooh was actually a real bear we had at the zoo who was so tame and friendly people could quite safely play with her. We have a photo of her and Christopher Robin Milne together in the library, and also her animal record, which records her arrival and departure.

People who didn't know this usually have such a lovely reaction when I tell them, it's actually quite touching :)
( Jahled Three shades of black, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 20:11, 4 replies)

Getting a bit tired of the red background and the crying litten. Am ignorant as to why I was stepped this time.
Is the reason something as simple as my username?
(Legless is a prick., Thu 30 Aug 2012, 20:06, 1 reply)

What a wonderful world...
Whilst living in halls while at uni I had a room near a lovely but rather stupid and very catholic girl called Marie. Marie used to get teased mercilessly by most of the people in our hall for such endeavours as trying to cook dried pasta in the pasta sauce, so developed a bit of a complex about the fact everyone thought she was arse bendingly stupid (which bless her she was).

One day a few of us were sat in the shared lounge doing the times crossword when we spotted a religious based clue, brilliant we thought, not only is it something Marie, the religious girl she was would be sure to know but we can ask her in front of everyone and help boost the poor lasses confidence. Shouting across the room to Marie who was watching TV with the others I asked 'Marie, can you help us? We're a bit stuck on one of the crossword clues: "first man, 4 letters" do you know what it is?'. A look of pained cogitation crossed her face and after a few seconds she replied 'er, it's that Louis Armstrong innit?!'. Cue hysterical laughter and a bemused/distraught look I shan't soon forget.
(42thefloor, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 19:56, 2 replies)

Impressionable Youths
I work in the Merchant Navy, have done so for a long time now, as such have had vast amounts of opportunities to play on the ignorance of others. One such was a young Indian cadet, who was on his first trip to sea. For some reason he became my shadow, and would hang on my every word. This was my recommendations for him:
1. Now that he was a sailor, he had to start getting tattoed. It's a badge of office.
2. He had to move out of his parents and buy a shagging nest in downtown Mumbai.
3. He had to start developing a serious drinking habit, preferably dark rum, sailors you know!
4. If he ever got shore leave, have to try his damndest to shag a pro, the dirtier the better. Again, having an STD is another badge of office.
5. If he set foot ashore in Singapore, then he would have to shag a Ladyboy, it's a 'must-do' for any serious sailor.
This boy hung in every word, feverishly nodding his agreement to everything I was telling him.
Hope I don't meet his parents.
(cargoeng, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 19:48, 1 reply)

Stupid Stupid Stupid
Gorgeous Newfoundland barmaid that for some reason found herself working in a small NE Scottish town (go figure!!), would always find time to stop and chat while I supped my pint.
Turns out she had two tickets to see Sheryl Crow in concert in Glasgow, she couldn't go as her BFF had pulled out. I had not long moved to Glasgow, nice little flat by the Clyde (I was up visiting family at this time).
She offered both tickets to me, like a fecking fool I bought both, not even registering the look of disgust on her face after all her subliminal suggesting (low cut top, big boobs, pouty lips, you know the thing).
Only realised once I was walking back home to the parents. Dad offered his fatherly sentiments - "You really are a twat".
(cargoeng, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 19:32, 2 replies)

I forget if I've shared this before...
My wife is incredibly clever. She understands classical music. She gets through books like I get through Sainsbury's Basics Bourbons. Oh, and she's a teacher too.

So imagine my surprise when, one evening as we were watching a nature documentary on the Antarctic, she turned to me and asked
"You know penguins?"
"Yes?"
"Are they birds or fish?"
(costas, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 19:19, 4 replies)

General Ignorance
I have grand parents that live in America, we used to visit them pretty much every summer from the age of 8 - 16. As a chance for the parents to get some peace of mind, my siblings and I were enrolled in some of the summer sports programs they have going on.

Whilst many of the questions we were asked were sensible... here are some of the notable exceptions.

Do you know the Queen?

My cousin lives in England, John, do you know him? (This was asked many times about many different relatives from many different people over the years.)

Do you have snow in England?

Is there mud in England?

Is there a Sun in England?

Do you have parents in England?

These questions were asked in earnest, from kids aged 12-15. I may not be the smartest crayon in the drawer. But really...
(TheASK, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 19:11, 4 replies)

In English class
the teacher asked us all to write a pen-picture of Shakespeare.

Kid behind me did a full-page biro portrait of the Bard.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 19:08, 7 replies)

A couple of examples
In the days of Parallel printers, one of the PA's asked me why she couldn't print. I looked and the screen and told he that the font that she was using was too big for the printer cable and that characters had got jammed in it. I told her that if she shook the characters out by disconnecting the printer cable and shaking it vigorously, the characters would come out. So she disconnected the cable and duly started shaking it.

While I was at the same company we had a drinks machine that has been incorrectly configured to allow the user to order a strong water. When people were getting a round in, I'd ask for a tea and a strong water. I had a number pf people trying to taste the difference between a normal and strong water.
( Snar, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 18:16, Reply)

As a kid, I had read many things...
...but not heard many of them pronounced. Hence such wonders as:

High fiddle-tee records.
Bee-owing aeroplanes.
WW1 battlefield Vitoo-meers.
Referring to King Neb-you-chad-nee-zar in a school assembly reading.

I learned to avoid this as I grew up, by just reading stuff and never actually talking to anyone.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 17:41, 9 replies)

I'm completely ignorant of the reason I just spent a week on the step.
I only posted once last week and it wasn't even trolling. Neither is this, so don't step me again.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 17:11, 4 replies)

My mum is ignorant over the pronunciation of ignorant.
She says "igrunnant". Mind you, she gets it from my gran, who cannot comprehend that scissors are a pair.
(Penguinbert killed Ken Dodd's dad's dog, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 16:48, Reply)

Oh, another one from my Mrs, looking through the telescope she'd bought me for Christmas.
"Whats that?"

"It's a star"

"No it isn't"

"yes it is"

"No, stars have points"

Her revenge - I was later on trying to look at the moon, and complaining that the tripod was rubbish, it kept very slowly moving when I got it pointed porperly.

"You do realise, it's not the tripod moving, don't you?"

Er . . .
(username failed moderation, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 16:45, 7 replies)

HOW DID YOU GET A JOB IN A FUCKING OFFICE???
1) Had a girl here write shit loads of stuff in excel and then add it up by hand. Then enter the results.

2) Watched another copy and paste each cell out from excel and put it into word. then tab out all the columns.

3) Anything I code.

4) The Mrs. hanging up washing walking back and forth to the basket instead of bring it with you as you work along the line. Stops her getting fat I guess.

5) People answering with examples of stupidity rather than ignorance.
(waxdart hello., Thu 30 Aug 2012, 16:22, 3 replies)

Time
I was with my friend of years in Westminster.

She asked me what the time was, we stood within a stones throw of Big Ben.
(fleuronics, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 16:16, 2 replies)

The llama is a quadruped which lives in big rivers...
At Uni I had a friend, Kate, who was very clever but sweetly naive, often bordering on gullible.

One day I returned from a wander around the city zoo.

"It's really good there, Kate, they have llamas and everything."
No they don't." she snorted.
"Ermm... yes, they definitely have llamas."
"You're having me on, but I'm not that daft. There's no such thing."
"Eh?! Of course there is!"
"No there isn't! It was just a film!"
"... Which film?"
"Doctor Doolittle."
"You're talking about Push-me-pull-yous, aren't you?"
"Errr... Yes?"

By this point, I was laughing too hard to explain that the 'Push-me-pull-you' was a special effect, using two real-life llamas...
(North Utsira South Utsira, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 16:12, 2 replies)

I prefer it when people on QOTW tell funny stories, instead of complaining about the miserable lives for several long tedious paragraphs.
So I generally read jokes, and ignore rants.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 15:58, 4 replies)

When my dad opened the door to our motorhome and asked the 16 year old me how many cups of tea he should make..
The naïve and virginal me realised that the girl I'd met the night before in a holiday camp bar didn't just want to walk me back to my tent. Unbuttoning her blouse the night before to show me her sunburned chest should have given me a clue too.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 15:42, 1 reply)

Now that I am no longer married...
...I think it's safe to reveal that my former wife used to (and probably still does for all I know) refer to plastic storage containers as "Tubberware" because "they're all tubs, right?"

I shall say no more in case she wither tells me to stop talking "dribble" or sues for "liable".
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 15:42, 3 replies)

Left Handed Bucket
I asked one of the glass collectors years ago in work to get me a left handed bucket of ice for a laugh (You know, Because he was a n00b). He came back with a bit of a sorry face and said that he couldn't find one so he got a right handed one and turned it around for me so that it would be better.

He didn't get the joke until two weeks later when he asked the stewardess if there were anymore left handed pint glasses.
(Claude Speed was a Roman called Claudius Speedicus, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 15:31, Reply)

When I was a nipper I loved the Beano Strip called 'Pup Parade'
Felt a right tit when after a few years I eventually asked my mum what a 'Pa-ra-dee' actually was...
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 15:29, 4 replies)

Wish you were(n't) here
My housemate, bless her soul, is a lovely person. She's got a heart of gold, cooks food that smells great, and cleans up after herself. Gets a bit sniffy about other people's mess, but who wouldn't? I'm a bastard for it myself. She also has the brain the size of a planet, yet sometimes I wonder about her ability to tie her own shoelaces.

Whilst watching the closing ceremony, and up pops the ginger moppet du jour Ed Sheeran. Can't stand him myself, but he's making money whilst looking like the long lost brother of Ron Weasley. A fine gig if you can get it. Anyway. So he starts playing "Wish You Were Here". An ok rendition, nothing to write home about.

And then to my confusion, not to say amusement, my housemate asked when he would be releasing his new single.

Oh dear.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Thu 30 Aug 2012, 15:19, 9 replies)

A friend of mine...
...drives a black cab in that London.
He once picked up a tourist who 'may' have been a merkin (was).
They got stopped by a set of pedestrian traffic lights.
"What's that beeping noise?" asked his passenger.
"It's the lights," he replied, "so that blind people know when they've changed."
She considered this for a bit, then said, "In America, we don't let blind people drive."

And yet they issue the terminally stupid with passports!
(minimalist ..., Thu 30 Aug 2012, 15:18, 2 replies)

I was just enjoying a few drinks, propping up the bar.
The girl serving seemed to take a shine to me for some reason, and once her shift finished, came and joined me.

Told me that black people invented everything. Maths, science, music, art - everything.

She told me it the whites stole it from them.

I asked her about Mozart (thief), Einstein (Jewish, so technically black), Hawking (thief), Turing (duh!), Botticelli (Italian, Mediterranean, thus originally black), Brunel (*spit*) ...

Which was nice.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 15:11, 4 replies)

A bit of a flop
I’d like to pretend that it was a friend that said this, but it was me. Last week.

A colleague of mine and his wife have been trying for a baby, with no success, for quite a while. He’s been pretty honest about the fact that the problem is with him and has kindly allowed us to make jokes at his expense about his non-functioning gametes.
On overhearing one of this bawdy exchanges, another colleague, who wasn’t as up to speed with the situation asked me what we were discussing.

“The fact that John’s impotent”, I replied.

Silence.

“I think you’ll find the word you were looking for was ‘infertile’, Rakky, but thanks all the same...” responded said colleague, now slightly less entertained by my suggestion that his gentleman was less than upstanding.

No wonder education standards are going downhill with fuckwits like me involved.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 15:07, 2 replies)

My ex wife changed her vitamin supplement regime
when she found out that Cod Liver Oil was really oil from cod livers
(happyjoy last changed sig on, Thu 30 Aug 2012, 15:03, Reply)