another yank in venice (arf arf)
me and the mrs went on a honeymoon trip around Italy. Finishing in Venice, the beautiful water based holiday destination. We all know venice and it's situation (water), so I won't bore you.

One morning we went to get the 'bus'. If you've been you'll know they have money saver travel tickets, hop on a boat/hop off as much as ya want. We had said tickets and were planning our day.

Over bounds a jolly fat american:

"Hey would you guys wanna buy a pair of day tickets from me and my wife?"

"no it's ok, we've got ours, thanks anyway".

"oh, ok, it's just my wife doesn't like boats".

"why did you come to venice then?"

cue tumbleweed etc etc.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 12:06, 2 replies)

Not so smug now
When I were a lad, I was one of them Home Computer nerds, back in the days of ZX-80s, PETs and TRS-80s. One day I was bashing away at the thump-sensitive keyboard, hooked up to the family TV in the front room of course. My aunt happened to be staying for a visit, and naturally was not up to speed with the latest in microprocessor technology.

After watching me pounding away for a while (arf) she put down her knitting and asked "So, can you ask it anything, then?"

Oh, how I laughed, how I rolled around in mirth at her charming naivete. How quaint, I thought, how breathtakingly ignorant.

Now I realise that she was actually being blisteringly prescient, and was predicting the existence of the internet about 15 years before it was invented.

If I'd have taken her seriously, I could have been Bill Gates or Steve Jobs (without the dying part) by now.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 12:01, Reply)

Amstrad field engineer in the very early 90's
Came to repair one of our misbehaving 1640's. As part of his advice on avoiding potential future problems told us never to put virus infected floppies back into the same packet as clean ones as they would get infected too.
At first I smiled and said,"Nice try, but you don't fool me." expecting him to break into a laugh.

But no, it was clear that he was 100% convinced of his words so all I can guess is that his bosses had told him this fact as a pisstake and let him out into the real world to make a tit of himself.
( Airman Gabber Living life like a 70's BBC presenter, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 11:34, Reply)

First proper exam
Around the age of ten my school class had it's first ever exam, with a pre-printed booklet of questions requiring an answer chosen from four options.
We were told to write our names in the space provided and then, in accordance with the typed instruction on the cover, not to turn over until told to do so.
Before long the instruction came and we all got started. One friend flew through the exam and finished well before the rest of us, confident that he had all the questions answered correctly.
When the results came back he had a shock. Turns out he thought you had to be told when to turn over *every* page and so had only completed sides 2 and 3.
( ForecastMonkey, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 11:31, 1 reply)

You.
You stupid freak.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 11:17, 2 replies)

I like ignorance
It's really useful, and saves a lot of time.

As soon as you hear someone mentioning healing crystals, how the moonlandings were faked, or how strange it was for Yogi Berra to name himself after a cartoon character, you then immediately know you can safely ignore that person for the rest of the conversation.

Or start roundly abusing them in ways they won't even realise, your choice.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 11:03, Reply)

4 July this year
Was on the top deck of a bus back from the tennis at Wimbledon.
We had almost the whole bus to ourselves except for a friendly American cabin crew lady who hailed from the "gee wilickers you shur are purdy" southern states and asked my girlfriend and I, "do y'all celebrate the 4th July over here" at which point I asked if she knew why it was called "Independence" day.
( iodax, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 10:21, 7 replies)

xyandz has just reminded me...
The wife an I had recently been the theatre to watch a performace of Ninteen Eighty-Four. When we went to the inlaws for sunday lunch the next day the next day, we were telling them how much we'd enjoyed it. My step-sister-in-laws briefly looked up from texting and actively ignoring her toddler and said "So was it about the whole year or something that happened that year?". My father-in-law laughed and said "no, it's based on the book! Big Brother and all that!"
Well, her eyes lit up and, with an amazed look oon her face, she blurted out: "was Davina there? Which year's contestants did they have?"

But then, this is the girl who has uttered such gems as:
*(when interupting a conversation about Liverpool FC's lack of success that season [could have been any season, really]) "how do you know about football? You go to plays and watch ballet and stuff" - clearly the two are mutually exclusive in her mind.
*"Why did you go on holiday to a city? What did you do there? Just look at buildings and stuff? Was there a pool?"
*"Why is my credit card bill going up every month? I'mm paying the minimum off every time" ... a little while later... "What's APR?" ... a little while later... "What's interest?"
*When we'd just bought a house "You spent two hundred and fifty thousand pounds on a house?!? Is it a mansion? Is it, like, 10 bedrooms?" ...a little while later... "is that how much a house costs, then? I thought they were about £20,000. How long did it take you to save that much up?" ...a little while later... "what's a mortgage?" ... a little while later... "So does the council pay the mortgage on my house?"
(ScousersPet, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:59, 6 replies)

I'm sure someone else will have posted this
but I tend not to read QOTW (soz) so unlucky if this is a fucking 'pearoast' (nuff said, wavy lines).

There was a trend which I think started when I was a teenager of people thinking 'being ignorant' related to 'ignoring people' which I thought was quite funny in an irono-lolic way.

As you were.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:51, 5 replies)

Everyday ignorance
I work in one of these carvery places, and I'd say at least 50% of people call the Turkey Chicken. It's about 5x larger than a chicken! I hate people
(canegrati, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 9:21, 2 replies)

People who say 'nuff said' to justify crude broad-brushstroke prejudices.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Mon 3 Sep 2012, 7:11, 8 replies)

Various
- I used to work with a bloke who honestly thought that water goes from the sea, up the rivers and into the mountains, rather than the other way round.

- Same bloke's girlfriend had only even eaten sweetcorn from a tin from M&S. He cooked her corn on the cob, with those little plastic handles poked in either end, and she thought they were part of it.

- A bimbo I used to know thought that anteaters don't exist except in Pink Panther cartoons.

- My dad thought the Blair Witch Project had something to do with Tony Blair.

- A colleague who thought that TGI Friday's only opened on Fridays. When on the news it was announced that the bloke who invented Red Bull had died, he said "Oh, I suppose that means they won't be making it any more."

- A woman who can cure pets for a small fee. You just ring her and tell her the symptoms, and she then goes into a darkened room and does something with crystals, and that then heals your pet, even from a distance. Sure beats taking it to the vet, and all that medication! What does the vet know, eh, after spending six years at veterinary college?
(Bob the Builder killed Captain Alex, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 22:17, 2 replies)

British tourists anywhere in the Mediterranean
Nuff said
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 20:49, 15 replies)

Anybody that knows me knows that I have a thing about American tourists....
....I have never, I repeat, NEVER, met an American tourist that I have liked. I have American friends, I know some great American people, but I can't fathom why it is that it's the dumb ones that feel the need to spend six months of their lives on whistle-stop tours of great places without looking into what to expect when they are there. For example, THIS happened to me....

I was in Venice as part of my journey to Athens to see my friends getting married. Now, anybody that has travelled to Venice will probably know that there is a railway station there. It's a terminal type, otherwise the train would run into the sea. There's a long bridge that carries the trains over the water to the city of Venice from the mainland. Venice, as you know, is famous for it's canals. Of course there are canals, the place is built on a series of islands in a large lagoon.

Anyway, I came out of the station and paused on the plaza outside to take in the impressive view, the hustle and bustle of the tourists and to get my bearings before heading off to find a Cornetto salesman and so on. As I was stood there I overheard an angry voice. Now, I am like you when I hear an angry voice - I stop and do that 'nonchalantly listening' thing. It's a habit, probably a bad one, but it's always entertaining. The voice was American and was ranting in words of predominantly 4 letters about his late taxi. It had been booked for him. He was waiting. It should be here. It should be here, waiting for him. He's travelled too far to be f*** messed a motherf**g about by these f***g Italians. He hated the taxi company. He wanted his taxi.

It was glaringly obvious what his error was. I looked at him for a few seconds and I'm sorry to say, assuming you are still reading this, that I got annoyed. How dare he shout these profanities in the most beautiful of cities? I approached him, looking all helpful like, and asked him what was the matter. I knew what the matter was, I just wanted him to tell me to my face.

"I have a taxi booked and it hasn't arrived" (that's the Polite English translation)
"Ah. That's bad. I bet you haven't seen a single taxi go past, either, have you?" I helpfully antagonised.
"No. God-damn (etc) etc"
"You do know you are in Venice, don't you?" I offered him the chance to think. He failed to take it.
"Of course!"
"You do know that Venice is famous for long, wet, streets full of boats?" Sarcasm was setting in. This was building up to something big, thought I. Sod it, we'll never meet again, he can have it from both barrels.
"Of course I do"
"And that there are no cars, whatsoever, in the entire city? Nothing with wheels is of any use?"
"Yes"
"And you are waiting for your taxi? Does it have wheels?
Now, I thought the penny would have dropped at this point. I don't know if it was anger, frustration, my English vocabulary....whatever it was....he didn't get it.
"I booked a taxi for (whatever time it was - may have been 2pm) to be outside this station to take me to my hotel. It isn't here. I will sue/shoot/say God damn again because it isn't here. I'm an American and these God damn people are not treating me right!"
I looked at him like a small child seeing his mother buying sweets in a shop but trying unsuccessfully to hide the fact. I smiled a smug grin that even today I couldn't replicate.
"Your taxi is there....*points to boat labelled "taxi" several feet in front of him*. It has been there all the time. It hasn't got wheels, it would sink. In a city of canals, EVERYTHING is done by boat. Even taxis. Had you read anything about this place, your details on your booking form, even reached back into the farthest recesses of your skull about the one major fact that everybody knows about Venice then you would or should have realised that you were looking for a boat."
*Gobsmackery*
"Do you know why they have this plaza outside the station?" Asked I.
"...no...."bumbled Sir Think-a-not.
"They have this plaza here to stop idiots like you from getting straight off the train and falling straight into the fucking water!"
*walks away in triumph*

Sorry about the length. If I'd have kept the word count closer to his IQ we'd never have got past the subject line....
(INGSOC Room 101 will be awaiting you on, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 19:44, 32 replies)

arab spring
A few months ago, a friend of mine was discussing the horrors of the troubles in Africa and the middle east. Another friend overheard our conversation and piped up "yeah, definitely an Arab Spring. Let's hope we get an Indian summer this year too"
(Jonas123, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 19:32, Reply)

She didn't follow politics (pearoast)
In the 1990s, my brother used to go out with a woman from South Africa. For her birthday one year he bought her tickets to see INXS in London. She was so excited that she was literally bouncing off the pub walls. Her nice-but-dim friend, Sue, wasn't impressed by Laura's overexcited display.

'Calm down Laura, it's only a concert for Christ's sake.'

Laura replied, 'Sue, I've never been to a big concert before. I grew up in South Africa. We had sanctions. Remember?'

Sue thought for a moment, then replied, 'Oh right. So what's sanctions then? Is it a nightclub?'
( ThisCaledonianClown has left it far too late, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 16:41, 8 replies)

Hello, you're on the air
A friend and I were talking about his recent trip to Poland with a female colleague, who is now a reporter for a national TV network in Britain.

When my mate mentioned one place he had visited the girl said aloud "Now why does that name ring a bell?"


It was Auschwitz.
(Barnetboy, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 14:37, 2 replies)

The clue's in the name

American shop assistant: So, where are you from, then?

Me: England

Assistant: Oh really? And what language do people speak there, then?

...
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 14:07, 3 replies)

A Man Plays a Clarinet in a Shopping Arcade...
A mother and her kid approach. The kid stops and looks up at the clarinetist and asks "Can we stay and watch the man playing the recorder?" The mother replies "No. And that's a flute, now come on!"
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 13:43, Reply)

Everyone in Britain should be implanted with a V-chip that electrocutes them every time they say something fucking stupid.

We can test it on the couple I sat next to in Subway the other day:

Man - "I watched Cheech and Chong last night. It was funny."
Woman - "Is that Bruce Lee?"
Man - "No..."
Woman - "Jackie Chan?"
Man - "No..."

God send electricity.
( PMGT -Bacon., Sun 2 Sep 2012, 13:04, 19 replies)

Sum Es Est

Back during my single days, out on the town with a lovely but not very sharp dinner date, our "getting to know you" conversation turned to travel and language skills and such.

I was asked what languages I spoke. I replied that during my schoolboy days I studied French and Latin, but that the Latin was less useful, as it is a "dead" language and not spoken any more.

"What do you mean, Latin isn't spoken any more? Of course it is!"

"Really? Where?"

She looked at me like I was the stupidest person she had ever met.

"In Latin America, of course. Why do you think it's called that?"
(Roving Blowtorch, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 8:49, 3 replies)

My friend didn't know
an obscure fact that I know! I was literally crying with contemptuous laughter.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 5:24, 7 replies)

The

(Paperdove, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 1:41, 2 replies)

Americans....
As an American, I often wonder what the hell is wrong with us. On one hand, we've got Neil Armstrong, top-tier universities, a history of astoundingly awesome R&D (Edison, Bell Labs, Xerox Park, MIT), and, in many areas of the country, extraordinarily good primary and secondary educational programs. I would also submit that we are exceptionally good at making movies that have very little redeeming social value other than the enjoyment inherent in extraordinarily impressive explosions.

On the other hand, we've got elected officials who want Bible-based Creationist nonsense taught in schools, a good chunk of the country believes anthropogenic climate change is a hoax, a man running for office who said ON A LIVE BROADCAST that he believed women's bodies had ways to "shut down" conception after a rape, and my latest favorite: At the Republican National Convention, their keynote speaker was an elderly actor yelling at an empty chair.

Really, I don't have any excuses for the baffling ignorance of a distressingly large proportion of Americans. Clearly we don't all have tuna for brains or we never would have been able to infect large swathes of the globe with Mickey Mouse, Coca-Cola, and Ford automobiles, but we're really not doing ourselves any favors in the global prestige business with these sorts of shenanigans.

I used to get upset when I read things about dumb American tourists. Now I just want to know the best way to appear to be Canadian next time I travel abroad.
(herbivorous, Sun 2 Sep 2012, 0:26, 7 replies)

How come Jahled deleted the post about Facebook?

(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sat 1 Sep 2012, 23:45, 12 replies)

Fish. Not an animal, apparently.
When I was a student I did a stint working behind the fag counter of my local supermarket. Late nights were the worst, when it'd be quiet but I couldn't leave my kiosk so generally only had the equally bored security guard to talk to. I can't recall how the conversation started, or how we got onto the subject of sharks, so I'll pick up when I first realized I was talking to someone quite special.

Guard: "Well, Sharks aren't animals.."
Me: "Um... yes they are.."
Guard: "No, fish are separate."

A predictable argument continued for a while, but he couldn't be convinced otherwise. I wondered if he was confusing "animal" with "mammal" - no, he understood that, dolphins were mammals and indeed, animals, but fish were in his mind as different from an ape, bird or a snake as a mushroom.
(Ariaxen, Sat 1 Sep 2012, 23:29, 18 replies)

Much is permitted the cute
LittleScars (16) is poking through my Swiss Card, and is examining the attachments.

"What's this thing?"

"It's a knife"

"Oh right. I wondered why it hurt when I stuck it in my hand."
(all my scars face forward possesses 2.5% of a hyperalloy combat chassis, Sat 1 Sep 2012, 21:07, 27 replies)

not so much ignorance, as a blip
Tim, double first at oxford in biology (under Richard Dawkins, no less) and bound for a PhD at Harvard under Stephen J Gould, happened to be carrying an old filing cabinet around with me one day. On putting it down, he noticed the sharp edges had cut his fingers somewhat, and, holding them up to me with a look of bewilderment adorning his freckled face, asked me, in all seriousness

"Jo, is this MY blood?"
(pounana Slept well, and dreamed of large women, on, Sat 1 Sep 2012, 20:52, 6 replies)