Really?

I'd spent the best part of a year in pursuit of a certain young lady, previously just a mate but now someone I was pretty hot for. Unfortunately, although she was up for the occasional bout of horizontal jogging, she claimed not to be interested in a "proper" relationship at that point of her life.

Then just when I thought I'd cracked it, and seemed to be persuading her, she goes and meets someone else while out of town, and returns with him in tow - immediately moving him into her house. So much for not wanting a relationship, then. At that point I bowed out of the chase, since it was clear it was never going to happen, and I wanted us to stay friends.

Annoyingly, the New Bloke turned out to be a really great guy, and despite my best efforts we became friends ourselves. So much so that, when their relationship broke down a couple of years later, it was ME that he chose to come to for tea and sympathy. Bastard.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 16:27, 23 replies)

moggy put me on Ignore.
That totally counts, right?
( stuj (^(^;;^)^) GO TEAM SPIDERS!(^(^;;^)^), Thu 12 Sep 2013, 16:26, 5 replies)

I broke up with a girl once

( Theoban What of it, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 16:11, 17 replies)

Unnecessary
Used to go out with a real Energizer Bunny of a girl: she was always full of beans.
She said it ripped her heart out when I hit the road, Jack.
It was at that point that she got a little stalky.
( .Yeti., Thu 12 Sep 2013, 15:35, 2 replies)

She irreparably damaged my favourite Pixar DVD.

( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 15:30, 2 replies)

Some other bloke's arse and some other bloke's arse
So, here's how it happened, a few years ago. You get into a relationship, youre well matched, you share interests and the sex is *fantastic*. So much so, that you move in and talk about making it all permanent.

She asked me to fix her computer - it was running like it was submerged in treacle, and had more bloatware on it than you could shake a shitty stick at. Halfway through mucking it out I accidentally dropped a file into the recycling bin. Clicked through and I found loads of pictures of my beloved getting royally porked at various angles buy some bloke. Being the curious type I had to check them out in more detail and found that a) the pictures were only dated the previous week and b) all my stuff could clearly be seen on the bedside cabinet. Well fuck that shit.

I could live with being cheated on. What really got me that there was clearly a third person holding the camera, and the arse pummeling up and down sometimes had a tattoo, sometimes it didn't. I closed the lid on her laptop, moved out that day, havent spoken since.
(Freddie Woo, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 15:27, 7 replies)

I dated someone for two weeks, seventeen years ago.
She is still stalking me.
( Bad Horsey Bring back Dr. Ubes Rub!, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 15:26, 3 replies)

It took about 2 years after we broke up for the mental 2am phone calls to stop.
The bitch changed her number
(AWESOMEB0T meddling prick, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 15:22, 2 replies)

Broke up with my "Queen of The Harpies" gf - "Painya" (you know that 1 truly fucked up relationship you have to have to understand that it was a truly fucked relationship) and the small group of (male) friends who chose her over me including my ex-business partner Dick (couple even fucked her - mmmm... slops, but already knowing what a fucked up bitch she could be my only question is "Why?").
A jizz-monkey - "Dumpster" moved in with me (gotta pay the rent... or not as was the case) who then did a runner aided by Dick.
My besty Ron-as-in-Later (that was his nom de plume) then took it upon himself to nick Dick's massive pot plant as revenge for seeing his mate so royally fucked over. He then slowly sold me large bags of that stuff over several months for a very small financial outlay (I'm talking silver coins - asked no questions, he told me no lies). Ron only told me that a few years ago. He died last Dec. I miss you mate.
So - Dick I enjoyed smoking all your pot you wanker. Cheers fuck-knuckle. I hope to god you still have the misfortune of being Painya's friend/wanna-be fuck buddy (she never liked the fatties btw).
Names changed cause I put a shit-load of sugar in Dumpster's bike tank & happily watched the business I'd built up (without a lot of Dick's help) crumble to not-very much AFTER he'd bought me out.

WOW! That was so puerile. Nice & cathartic.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 14:54, 7 replies)

I caught my husband with his finger up the dog's bum.
It's not even a female dog for fuck's sake.
(DefinitelyNOTAmorousBadgerOhNo, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 14:50, 5 replies)

Got caught in the middle of scrabbling round the flat trying to get out before my girlfriend arrived home.
It was Friday evening in Summer, I'd just got back from work, my mates had texted me from the pub, and I was frantically trying to get out before she got back.
But she caught me just as I was leaving...and subsequently dumped me over it. Showed a lack of respect, apparently.
But fuck me....I once watched an entire series of Spaced waiting for her to get tarted up and ready to go out.
THREE hours!!
Hence my rush to get out the door...
(SigourneysBeaver took off and nuked the entire site from orbit on, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 14:46, Reply)

Breaking up is never easy I know, but I haaaave toooo go ...

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 14:41, Reply)

Don't take your love away from me
Don't you leave my heart in misery
If you go then I'll be blue
'Cause breaking up is hard to do

Remember when you held me tight
And you kissed me all through the night
Think of all that we've been through
Breaking up is hard to do

They say that breaking up is hard to do
Now I know, I know that it's true
Don't say that this is the end
Instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again

I beg of you, don't say goodbye
Can't we give our love another try
Come on baby, let's start anew
'Cause breaking up is hard to do

They say that breaking up is hard to do
Now I know, I know that it's true
Don't say that this is the end
Instead of breaking up I wish that we were making up again

I beg of you, don't say goodbye
Can't we give our love another try
Come on baby, let's start anew
'Cause IN 2013, FUCK SHITPANTS NUGENT.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 14:37, 1 reply)

The call reception on my iPhone is terrible
Fucking EE, not even 1g never mind 4
(katie hopkins telling it where its at, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 14:26, 1 reply)

Oh lordy, this is going to be a spectacular week of childish bitterness and SERIOUS INTERNET.
I'm giddy with anticipation :D
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 14:25, 23 replies)

I once had to go there for my uncle's wedding, it's a right shithole.
OH, I THOUGHT YOU SAID 'BACUP'!!!!!
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 14:23, 6 replies)

Starting over - fail
In the smoldering ashes of a marriage breakup, the nasty bitterness of which I shall not drag out again, I decided to get back out there and try to meet someone new.

So like many I gave online dating a try.

There wasn't a great deal of choice back then and match dot com was by far the biggest, might still be. So I dutifully filled out page after page to create a profile, uploaded pictures and then submitted my payment details.

I almost held my breath with excitement as I clicked the button to find my matches.... Waiting for the pictures to load the first match was 100%, could there really be my perfect partner out there and living in the same small town as me!?

No, that genius website had decided my perfect match was my ex-wife. I looked a bit further and decided I probably wasn't ready to get back on the dating scene after all...

They also don't do refunds.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:56, 9 replies)

Might as well drag this one out, since this week has been won already - not a break-up as such, but a wonderful brush-off:
It was my first E, and I was loving every single second of every single thing about it. I was at a Reclaim The Streets gig in King's Cross, dancing my tits off - I was topless, skinny, and awesome.

A girl started rubbing my back, saying she was ... feeding off my aura or something. We started eating face, and continued to for ... however long. Cups of water interrupted us occasionally, I seem to remember.

Eventually her mates turned up, and standing around shufflingly, said "Er ... we're going back to Reading now ... "

She looked delighted to see them, and then turned to me with a look of embarrassment and dawning horror, and said, "Er ... I, er ... um ... right ... er ... I would invite you back to mine, but, like, er ... I've heard that sex binds two souls together and I don't know about you but I'm bound to some people I really wish I wasn't and, er ... well ... I'm going now, so, er ... bye!"

And off she went, leaving me to get up, and continue fuckin avin it until about 11am that morning.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:56, 4 replies)

I guess it's over...
I discovered recently that my husband has been exchanging secret text messages with his ex.
They started off harmlessly enough - some boring stuff about work, but then they began to get increasingly flirty and they made plans to meet up.
I wanted to believe it was all innocent, but then I noticed he'd been asking people on here about it and it's clear that he still has strong feelings about her and that our son and I mean little to him.
I think I'm gonna screw the cheating little knobcheese for every penny I can.
(Gerald was innocent, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:55, 13 replies)

all of my past relationships have ended amicably and i remain friends with a number of former girlfriends

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:30, 9 replies)

Scarynonce; you share details of your divorce and I'll share mine.
Deal?
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:30, 9 replies)

I just dropped a fucking load of crockery.
Now, I've nothing to put my tea in :(
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:28, Reply)

It's not me, it's you.
You are an awful, overbearing harridan with the social skills of Myra Hindley and a voice straight from the depths of hell.

xoxo
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:24, Reply)

Fourth.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:22, Reply)

Second

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:22, Reply)

First!
Yes, I was always first, that's why she left me.

(Well, at least I tried to make a joke. And failed)
( sir_spicious2000 Crap I've watched: www.filmplop.blogspot.com/, Thu 12 Sep 2013, 13:21, 2 replies)