.....
I once got out of a fight by claiming that i could strip the skin off there shins with my teeth.

Considering they where taking the mick out of my massive overbite it seemed appropriate.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:30, Reply)

QOTW Repost.
I had a friend called Laurence at high school.

For years and years he used to come out with the mostly unbelievable shite. His lies were frequent but of the kind that are almost believable, but not quite.

Things like, he told me once that he and his brother had stolen a load of heavy duty lights from a train depot and he was selling them on at £200 each to buy some DJ gear.

Bollocks I thought, but humoured him anyway. If he'd have been the sort of wannabe badassed kid at highschool who never turned up, then I might have believed him. But he was a scrawny little geeky looking chap who didn't have many friends and was rubbish at PE.

One day he tells me he'd bought a magnum. Finally I piped up, "bollocks you have. You're fucking 16 and they're illegal."

He started protesting that it was true, and like most pathological liars, was entirely sketchy about the details. "I bought it off a mate" he claimed, knowing full well that I wasn't going to go chasing up his friends, asking them if any of them had sold him a handgun.

Well imagine my surprise when a few weeks later he turns up at my house with, yes, a fucking magnum tucked into his belt.

I was dumbstruck. He started waving it around going "I fucking told you!", before tucking it back in his belt and fucking off up to the woods near my house. Moments later, the distinct sound of gunfire could heard emanating from beyond the trees.

So the moral of this story is, don't not believe everything you hear.

I bet the little fucker is a DJ now too...
( PMGT -Bacon., Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:25, 5 replies)

My friend Ken
once ate six Mars bars in half an hour, when working on a site he unearthed a bomb, and he once had a shower with two American girls!

Preposterous!
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:23, 4 replies)

I sell adverts over the phone for a living.

( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:21, 3 replies)

Military bullshitter exposed:
One of our local "I was in the SAS" type bores who has recently been exposed as a bullshitter and military impostor of the highest order.

www.anzmi.net/dunn/dunn.html
(discopants, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:16, 3 replies)

I love you.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:10, 3 replies)

Ladies and Gentlemen, I give you "The Book"
Ah, bullshitters. I'm a bullshitter myself, but there was a man I had the misfortune to meet who blew my pretensions to bullshithood out of the water.

So much so, in fact, that during our 6th form days, someone transcribed 120 of his fibs into a document known as "The Book".

B3tans, I have a copy of that book. I've removed the shit that stopped being funny after I finished college, and names have been changed to protect the innocent. But here, for your amusement, is The Book.

1 - 90% of all college couples are set up by Goon, even though, by his own admittance, more than half of those don’t actually know it.

2 - Goon knows everyone at Eccles College. Even though when he buddies up to random people they just look at him funny and walk away. Que “aww she’s just being funny she's always like that. More the fact she doesn’t know him?

3 - He once went to Scotland in a taxi. More precisely, he went from his house, to Scotland, to Heathrow airport, then back home again. All in the same taxi.

4 - This was to reunite two friends at an airport to rekindle romance.

5 - He got to the departure lounge without a passport, because he “knew people”. (bear in mind this was after September 11th 2001)

6 - He then paid for the taxi with his credit card. Taxis take credit card??

7 - He had said credit cards at age 17

8 - Ex girlfriend cheated on him with his best friend and got pregnant. He found out when the clinic rang to use his credit card.

9 - Karma punished ex-girlfriend now has twins because she had so many abortions she could have no more.

14 - Went to someone’s house in Nottingham to break in and steal the a video he'd bought on eBay of a girl he fancied making the beast with two backs. Fair enough. I know Ebay dealers can be slow to deliver but this is a bit extreme.

17 - After telling us he smoked 40 cigs a day, he couldn’t smoke one cig, and didn’t inhale.

18 - He has a local girls number he can phone for sex …. (Virgin) needless to say when we rang the number to check it didn’t exist.

19 - Has/Getting every Nirvana single, album, release ever, all originals too.

20 - Had standing Feeder tickets. Because he knew big gangland ticket touts. On the night of the gig he showed them off, they were a few back row seating tickets that didn’t sell out till last minute.

21 - He is Sarah Wattmore’s (X-Factor no-mark) regional manager. She was some” pop stars” contestant who released a single, and he had a range of “duties to her” including..

22 - He is Sarah Wattmore’s Personal Bodyguard

23 - He is Sarah Wattmore’s best friend and accompanies her everywhere.

24 - He is also manager for several pop acts.

25 - He gets his clients on Key 103.

26 - Attends most showbiz parties.

27 - Went to Ireland to raise money on his own over Xmas.

28 - Raised half a million pounds.

29 - By bungee jumping.

30 - He has his own registered charity.

31 - He has an IQ of over 200, infact, it is immeasurable, but it is definitely higher than Carol Vorderman’s.

32 - He’s the second smartest man in Britain

33 - Mensa heard of him and invited him to join, but he knocked them back.

34 - Northwest chess champion.

35 - He’s had to sign the Official Secrets act twice.

36 - He gets top-secret Ministry of Defence information.

37 - He communicates with Iraq.

38 - He has psychic dreams.

40 - He is a computer genius.

41 - He put many highly dangerous viruses onto the college network, although there is no evidence of this at all.

42 - The college sculptures garden is out of bounds because him and his friends went in and stuck shiny paper to the sculptures with prit stick. Whoa shiny paper and prit stick. Hardcore.

43 - Several different fight boasts.

44 - He once walked across Britain, going into at least one pub in every town.

45 - His Norman Bates style mother keeps him locked in.

46 - His evil lawyer sister aids his mother in doing this.

47 - His mother was once a professional poker player who made £1000 a month (although when he was confronted about a poorly shuffled deck he claimed his mother had done it. Professionals eh?

50 - His mother played poker to pay off her student loan, he will do the same.

51 - He cross dresses at weekends and on holidays to make money for charity.

52 - He was an alcoholic from the ages 12-15. n.b we were at the pub a few weeks after this hardened alcoholic had said this, he had 2 pints and passed out on the table. We set fire to his hair but that’s not the point.

53 - He had a full-grown beard at 12.

55 - He slit his wrists 6 months ago but the scars healed and completely disappeared.

60 - He “owns” the gay village, he knows everyone and can get people banned from it if he doesn’t like them.

61 - Cannot ever get pissed because of his previous alcoholism.

62 - Goon runs a street gang in Manchester.

63 - The Triads killed 4 of his best friends during a gang fight.

64 - Now he is in battle with the Triads for revenge.

65 - He signed a peace treaty with the Triads.

67 - He organised the whole 1st February 2003 peace protest march on London.

68 - He had people from Sydney ringing him to co-ordinate the march.

69 - He led the march, although he didn’t go.

70 - Police in his area had stopped working well, so him and his mates took the law into his own hands and beat up all the scallies and drug dealers.

71 - He used to be a professional singer. Anyone who had heard him sing knows this is hilarious.

72 - He was a choirboy who went to church every day for 12 years.

73 - He played Rugby Union for 8 years, and nearly died when he broke his neck playing it.

74 - He can now play no sports because his body is so badly damaged.

75 - He has taken lead roles in many stage productions. He was one of the T-Birds in Grease, Bill in Oliver, Pharaoh in Joseph and his Technicolor dream coat, yet he doesn’t remember the lines, the songs or even the main story line of them.

76 - He sees a psychiatrist, psychologist and a counsellor.

77 - He used to make himself ill-using his mind, and now he did this so much that his body rejects illness.

78 - He has had several near death experiences.

79 - He meets lots of famous people. He even listed them on a piece of paper. Rob Andrews, Will Carling, David Beckham, Atomic Kitten, Sven Goran Eriksson, Paul Scholes (who he apparently went to school with), Erik Cantona, Peter Schmeichel, Alfie Inge Haaland, Heather Small, Michael Ball, The Corrs, and INME, (he pronounces it “in may”) I would’ve picked better “celebrities” to meet.

81 - When he was 8 he went to the Lake District with his mum. He wandered off, fell into a stream, hit his head on a rock, was knocked unconscious and was washed half a mile UPstream. He then landed in a field.

85 - When he was 15 he worked in a pub in Brighton on a 48-hour shift because it had a special licence to open that long as it was its 100th anniversary. Despite the fact that he was only 15 and living in Eccles at the time, plus the whole fact that such a shift would break many laws.

86 - He adopted a Pony off the Internet.

87 - At Salford University last year, he spilt highly corrosive acid all over his arm, but didn’t notice until his entire sleeve had burned away. Amazingly enough his arm was unharmed.

88 - Goon talks to Steven Hawking over the Internet through a chat room.

89 - Goon came up with S.H.’s theories on black holes and time.

90 - Steven Hawking told him that his wife beats him. (AMAZINGLY this turned out to be true)

92 - His school (st. pats) had sent him on work experience to a vet where he performed major life saving surgery on a dog. They gave him the full gear to do this, white mask gloves everything! Where was the vet ?!?!

95 - There is a song by the Foundations that makes him cry whenever he hears it because it was played at a funeral he went to when he was 5 years old. He doesn’t actually remember what the song is or how it goes though. So how does it make him cry?

96 - On his aunties farm, the dog began to choke on a bird head, so he knocked it out with tranquilliser injections from the barn (which were there because the sheep had given birth) I don’t know if sheep give birth to tranquilliser injections but I don’t think vets knock out a birthing animal. so after doing this, when the dog was knocked out, he performed a tracheotomy by cutting a hole in the dogs throat and putting a tube in it. Why didn’t he just remove the bird’s head from the dog’s throat? And where was the tube from? Apparently the dog is still alive and jumps up at him every time he goes to see them.

98 - He did in his Achilles tendon in 3 months ago and yet had no physiotherapy but it is fine enough to play football on.

100 - He has his cigarettes specially imported from America, yet they can be bought at any newsagents, and if you look at the label they are made in the UK with all duties paid.

101 - He has a friend in the IRA who tips him off about bombs.

102 - He knew about the Omaha bombing before it happened and tried to stop it but couldn’t.

103 - The IRA gives him bomb-making materials but he won’t use them.

104 - He was part of the chorus when the Rocky Horror Show came to Manchester, but his best mate lost his video camera on the night and so couldn’t film it.

105 - He was tortured by the Triads, but now he helps do drug deals with them as part of his peace deal with them.

106 - He has lost 27 of his friends in the past 2 months. Jesus they drop like flies for imaginary people!

107 - Whenever “they” (unspecified) put on a show of Phantom of the opera he was chosen as lead role.

108 - The mole on his head is a special birthmark and it means that if he is pierced there he will die. What a pity, I hear mole-piercing is all the rage at the moment too.

109 - He has represented many friends in court as a lawyer.

110 - Went on a 13-pub crawl and drank 14 pints, but wasn’t pissed.

111 - The police are investigating him for killing Triad members.

112 - He was followed for hours by a UFO and was then abducted by aliens.

113 - He got drunk, climbed over college walls at night and woke up in the morning with steps kids poking him with sticks.

114 - He lost his “gay virginity” on his first date with his new boyfriend Fakey

116 - After discovering about this very book, Goon embarked upon his revenge mission codenames “operation Jeremiah.” Jeremiah was the first person to ever truly betray Goon, when at the tender age of 5 he got the bike that Goon wanted.

117 - His ex told him that he was the father of her child, “Goon jr” the surviving twin. She was suing him for child support.

118 - She got a DNA test to prove he was the father, without him giving a sample of any kind.

119 - Eventually after many questions, he announced that she had only tried to con him out of money and she had faked the DNA test. No shit it was faked, he didn’t even give a sample.

I'd apologise for length, but according to number 121, it'd put the average cetacean to shame.
(Psycorp603, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:06, 19 replies)

Johnanory
I have a friend we call Johnanory because of his constant fabrications. He'll spout off many ridiculous tales e.g. John Major is his father or he won a round the world cruise holiday. Most of it is harmless fantasy, but he has one annoying trait - he'll lie for no reason at all!

He's phoned me up so many times to tell me to come and play football or come to the pub:

Him: Hey mate, wanna come and play football?
Me: When? Who is playing?
Him: Just over the rec, there's 9 of us, we're here already - need 1 more to make it 5-a-side.
Me: Anyone I know?
Him: Jimmy, Mike, Dan etc
Me: See you in 5!

I get there and there's no one there, not only that but it's closed. I phone Jimmy, Mike and Dan and they know nothing about it.

WHAT IS THE POINT?

It's like he has at least one lie he needs to fulfil every day or he'll die.
( Regger, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 14:00, 3 replies)

There's a guy
works down the chipshop, swears he's Elvis.

But he's a liar, and I'm not sure about you
(How soon is now?, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:59, 2 replies)

I'll post this now
before anyone else gets the idea.

www.b3ta.com/users/searchposts.php?id=48610&board=qotw
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:56, 9 replies)

Something about voting against rises in tuition fees
Because I don't think I should have to pay my own way.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:56, 2 replies)

Kevin 'special forces' Hardy
worked with my mate's dad. He claimed he was in the territorial army. Nothing unusual about that except that Kevin was an absolute lardarse. He hardly ever left his desk unless he really had to, even to use the printer. He even brought in his own printer to save the effort of walking across the room and his packed lunch was always something spectacularly gut-busting with enough calories to keep Ranulph Fiennes well stoked on an expedition to the south pole.

Kevin then declared to my mate's dad that he had been seconded to the territorial army's equivalent of the SAS.

One day, my mate's dad being head of IT asked my mate to come into the office to coo over the new Xenix mini computer with its staggeringly vast 150Mb hard drive and the 12 Wyse terminals it served and I went along with him. We went into the office and saw a large bloke stuffing his face with a sandwich that was nearly the size of my head.
"I bet that's Kevin" I said. This was confirmed by my mate's dad.
"If he's special forces, then so am I" I added, sitting there being 9 stone wet through and the most danger I'd ever been in was telling a PE teacher to "bloody leave me alone" when I was 12.

Kevin claimed he was going on a mission over the weekend, because that's what special forces do. Declare they're in the special forces and that they are going on a secret mission.

Now, me and my mate worked Saturdays at McDonalds and we noticed Kevin getting served a lot of food and then go sit down. We went out to see him and said hello.
"Hello Kevin, how's the mission going?" we asked
"Eh?" he replied before recognising us. "You bloody idiots, you'll blow my cover" at which he scopped up his 3 Big Macs and 2 large fries, grabbed his large milkshake and dashed out and up the street. Well I say dashed, it was more like staggered and wheezed whilst sweating profusely.

We learned that Kevin didn't turn up for work on the Monday or the Tuesday. On the Wednesday he claimed he'd gone underground to avoid being captured after 'those bloody kids had put me at risk' though we suspect that he was just too ashamed to turn up.
God knows what he's doing nowadays. Probably working in some office as cover for his secret work in Iraq fighting the resistance to KFC opening a restaurant in Baghdad.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:49, 2 replies)

A girl I went to school with
told me, in her first week at the school in year 2, that her mum had just had a little baby girl, but her brother was beating up this baby, with it being sent to hospital pretty much every day, before her brother finally killed this baby when it was 11 days old. As every decent six-year-old would do, I went to apologise to her mum, though she was discouraging me all she could. It turned out her brother (who was older than her) had very severe cerebral palsy, and had never been able to walk or even speak, let alone murder a fictional baby.

The lies carried on - she'd lie to her mum (when she wasn't being left at home alone for four or five days in the holidays aged 8 or 9 when her mum went away) until she was so upset about these things that this girl would move in with her dad, whom she would piss off by lying to him and her stepmother, and when it got unbearable for them she'd move back with her mother, who'd forgiven her. This carried on for about four years, with her playing her friends off against each other all the time too.

I stopped talking to her the second I left school and didn't have to see her every day (it's difficult to ignore someone when there's 24 people in your entire year). According to facebook, she got married at 19 last October to a boy she'd known for about six months. I feel so sorry for him, as I'm fairly sure he can't know what she was like during the ten years I knew her or the five I counted her as my best friend.
(epinephrine, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:46, 3 replies)

Re that thing about the Iranian seige.
There's a guy drinks in my local who claims to have been in the SAS, M15, and Delta Force. He offers to show you ways of killing people bare handed, and gives advice on firearms and training pit bulls.
Oh yeah, and he is actually the real Andy MaNab. Nobhead.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:46, 2 replies)

Job Interview
I told them I'd be able to do the job. But then, they told me that promotion prospects were excellent.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:44, 2 replies)

Best Possible Taste
I told everyone at my new school that Kenny Everret was my Uncle YEARS before Micheal MaCintyre thought of claiming him as hs Dad.

Which was a bit shit when Kenny Everret Died.

(To be fair, my Uncle was a dead ringer for dead Kenny).
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:22, 2 replies)

Shitfellas
Two brothers I used to be in Sixth Form with were convinced they were the rural West-Midlands equivalent of the Krays. This mainly manifested itself through fairly low-level thievery and boasting that they could get you anything you wanted 'Drugs, computer games that aren't out yet, anything mate... we can even get you a shotgun.'

I saw straight through it and ignored their nonsense, but a few lads in the year believed them and got together to pool their money and buy a shitload of weed ('top quality, mate, best you can buy. Bands send up from London for it... honest') from some 'big guy locally' who was, of course, their mate.

Next week comes around. No weed. 'Yeah - we haven't been round yet. He's been having problems with the pigs and he's got to lay low. Take it easy.'

End of the week. Still no weed. Some of the lads ask for their money back. It's not forthcoming.

Anyway - it being a small town - we quickly find out from someone in school, who's mum was a copper, that the brothers had been robbed that weekend on a local estate. Rather than nipping round their non-existent best mate the Drug Baron's lair to pick up a load of weed, they'd driven around the estate in their mum's car and asked the first dodgy-looking bloke they'd come across if he could get them some weed. They had then agreed to HAND HIM THE MONEY while he disappeared into the estate to pick up the drugs. Naturally, he'd just fucked off, probably laughing himself silly at having ripped off a couple of spotty teenage lads with no common sense.

The best bit about it? Apparently, when they'd reported it to the the police, and some gentle prompting from a astute PC had led them to admit that they had, in fact, indeed been trying to buy drugs, the older of the two had broken down crying because he was convinced that he was going to get a criminal record and wouldn't be able to get on the catering course at the local college, which his Mum would be gutted about!

They both ended up having to get jobs in the local supermarket to pay back the lost money... which isn't very Gangsta when you think about it.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:22, 1 reply)

Is this
not just going to cause a repeat of 95% of previous question of the week answers?
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:16, 2 replies)

Seriously, though - here's a story about MASSIVE DRUGS
A guy in my halls of residence smoked LOADS OF WEED, and like, totally knew how to roll in any situation because like he smoked all the time like can't really function properly unless he'd had a joint, like.

He was the sort of person who would (and did) respond seriously to "Your mum" jokes with "Actually my mum's dead" expecting that to trump the joke. Admittedly his mum had committed suicide ... when he was three.

He fancied himself as an artist, though was studing a degree in catering - we know this because when he'd managed to get a girl back to his room, she'd left rapidly when he'd started showing her some of his pieces, which were all apparently of the words "MY MUM" written in his own blood on various media, including his desk.

Then Dunblane happened. With more free time than cons, we all spent much of that day watching the rolling news on the telly, as it unfolded.

Towards the middle of the evening, a friend popped out to get some gear, which required her to go to the other end of the block - about 5 minutes away. and when she hadn't returned for half an hour we assumed she'd done the usual and found some, and was smoking it with whomever it belonged to.

I was just about to hunt for her, when she came in.

"What's up?" we asked.

"It was Ian ... " she said, a little disturbed.

"What about him?"

"He wouldn't let me past" she said, "He was telling me about how he had to rescue the 12 souls of Dunblane. He's written CHILDREN on his chest with marker pen and is standing in the corridor like Jesus, with his top off and wearing shorts, making everyone promise to help him. He only let me through because I promised I'd be back with a bible ..."
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:11, 1 reply)

There's been serious academic work done about bullshitting.
Have a look at Harry Frankfurt's paper "On Bullshit" if you don't believe me. He argues that the bullshitter is different from the liar in the sense that the liar does actually care about truth, if only as something he wants to avoid. A bullshitter, by contrast, may say something true - but only by accident, and he doesn't care about truth.

Or something. I've not checkedmy exposition for accuracy, to be honest - but it sounds convincing enough, so I'll just go with it.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:11, Reply)

First (proper story) or maybe not
This kid once told me that he lived in Australia. I didn't believe him. Mind you, I didn't really question him either. He also told that I wasn't to tell his sister that he lived in Australia which I thought was odd.

Mind you, we were only 6 at the time and I knew he didn't live in Australia because he only lived 3 streets away. I knew that because I went and called for him on my go-kart after school one day.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:09, Reply)

A friend of a friend (aren't they always?)
Swore that his mum designed the Jaguar XJ220, despite evidence pointing to the fact that she was actually a dentist's receptionist. He also used to take a half days holiday every wednesday because he was a stuntman on 'Londons Burning' and that was the day 'they filmed all the dangerous fire stuff'.
(FartThroughAWalkieTalkie wished you were dead in ditch on, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:08, Reply)

Here: http://www.b3ta.com/questions/
Thread over.
(__, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:02, 1 reply)

Eds meds.
That is all.
( girlinthehole, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:02, 2 replies)

First
For extremely high values of one.

Honest. Any other posts that appear before this one are rendering problems with your browser.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 13:01, 2 replies)

My best mate at primary school
claimed that 'fire engines could go at ten hundred miles an hour'; that his dad's Ford Fiesta 'can do 20mph more than it says on the speedo' and that 'this one time I biked my BMX reeeally fast alongside my dad's car and he clocked me at 90mph'.

I don't know what's worse: the fact that he was obviously talking bollocks, or the fact that I believed him.
(trumpet, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 12:59, Reply)

Turd
(story to follow)
( Ralph farts in your general direction, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 12:58, Reply)

first
edit: - you bullshitter i was first!!
(betty swollocks, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 12:56, Reply)

First.
I am now an equal mixture of deeply ashamed and vaguely aroused - it's just like being back at school.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 12:56, 2 replies)