One of my friends in primary school always had a story
Usually about how he designed levels for computer games, he 'found' the poke to make the colour Orange on the Spectrum, which no-one, even at Sinclair, knew about. He always had every game even before it even came out and after a while we got a bit tired of hearing about it. So, some of my other friends laid traps for him- 'Have you got that new game, Sperm Jet?' they'd ask. 'Oh yes, already got it, already finished it' he insisted. 'What about Randy Bastards?' 'Yeah yeah, had that weeks ago in fact I reviewed it for Zzap! magazine'. 'Did you see the secret bit where the players all get pissed on cider?' 'AH! I actually found that bit first'.

The one time I went round to his after school for tea, he insisted on showing me all of his Spectrum games (the usual C-90 full of rip-offs) and firstly they were all bog standard games that everyone had i.e. Psst!, Commando, Jet Set Willy and none of these miraculous new unreleased games but also he'd just play and play and tell you what he was doing and NEVER LET ME HAVE MORE THAN ONE GO ON THE SODDING THING.

Apart from that he was perfectly OK.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 13 Jan 2011, 21:10, 3 replies)

My grandad exploded
oh yes... he drank loads of whiskey and then smoked a cigar... so he blew up.

not sure why I made that up really. I don't think it impressed anyone at the time. I hope I'm the only one that remembers.
(Ross McBingobangobongo bingobangobongo, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 20:51, Reply)

back at school
when i first started at my secondary school, i made the huge mistake of telling everyone that my nan was eaten by the loch ness monster, and several other lies...

i never lived that one down for the rest of school life and i was at that school for 6 years, biggest mistake of my childhood.
(sennik85 hiding from the world, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 20:42, Reply)

A kid in my primary
told us the green and black spots on crisps were where spiders had laid there eggs in potatoes and that his uncle had flown to the moon.
( dazbrilliantwhites has been meaning to change this..., Thu 13 Jan 2011, 20:35, 1 reply)

Oldest House In The Neighborhood
In fast-growing areas of the American West like Corrales, NM, the collapse of the housing bubble temporarily drained the septic tank of real estate bullshit. Real estate porn has got to be the worst.

I went to go help when my parents retired and moved out of our childhood home. The neighbors across the street saw us working and invited us for drinks.

"Look at our picturesque house," the neighbor exclaimed. "Various people built it over the years. As you can see, the kitchen here is the oldest part. We think it may be more than 100 years old!"

Having been raised across the street, I saw a problem. As I explained, "I remember when there was no house here. The first residence here was a mobile home, maybe 20 years ago. This kitchen is barely 15 years old. It just looks old because of the amateurish construction skills of the first residents."

Stopped that train of bullshit before it left the station. Felt bad about plundering his liquor cabinet, but that's where the oldest part of the house was kept.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 20:30, Reply)

My friend Billy
claims to have a very large penis. Or, more correctly, he had a very large penis. Inexplicably, he showed it to his next door neighbour and now it's considerably shorter than it used to be, as she attacked him with a gardening tool.
(square go, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 20:25, 6 replies)

Not on the scale of some of these
But my flatmates are the sickeningly cute boyfriend and girlfriend type. I like them, but they do irritate me sometimes. When this happens, I just tell lies.The fact that they're both foreign helps. An utterly deadpan expression is also useful. Some gems that have been temporarily believed include:

"Porridge must be kept in the freezer at all times to avoid infestation by porridge worms".

"Another word for 'please' is 'bitch'. So you would say "Coffee, bitch" when ordering".

"That?" (points to a pair of compasses) "That's called a spoon. The original ones were shaped like spoons, you see".

"Coffee? No. This is badger shit. Repeat: 'Badger... Shit'".



I also once convinced a former classmate that "Lord of the rings" was based on a true story from ancient greek times.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 20:09, Reply)

The Prince Of France
I have a friend who regularly comes out with the most astonishing level of bullshit in the most casual manner. We'll call him Des, for that is his name. These gems are from a while ago, when Des was in his early twenties, but he continues to bullshit to this day.

A few years ago, the French presidential elections were coming up and so featured on the news. Des watches this, and then states very matter-of-factly, "Of course, if the French revolution hadn't happened, I'd be in line to be the Prince of France now. Bet you didn't know that about me!" No, I didn't Des, because your surname is Smith, no-one in your family is French, and you look like the 5th member of East 17. "Yeah, my ancestors fled France when they started chopping people's heads off. It's a shame, cos it would be cool to be a prince, but then again, I don't like France much."

Des usually got quite aggressive if he was called out, so by this point we'd learnt to nod, feign belief, and then tell everyone about it later. He is still privately referred to as the Prince of France.

The Prince of France's finest moment came about when someone at work was talking about getting a spanking new telly. Again, this was a while ago, so to get a new TV meant getting a great hulking CRT affair. However, there was nothing wrong with the old telly, and so they were debating whether they could justify a new one.

The Prince of France overhears this, and chips in with the most mind-bendingly astonishing stinking steaming pile of shite that I still haven't quite got my head around what was happening in his brain at that precise moment.

"Well, I suppose you could do the old 'milk & liver trick'", he mused, in a vacant, 'Oh, you must have heard of it' tone.

"What the fuck are you talking about Des?" came the withering reply, as Mr Telly prepared himself for a full-on barrage of billy bullshit.

"You put a plate with a bit of liver on it at one end of the telly, and a glass of milk on the other," he stated. He had finished, as if this was a perfectly self-explanatory statement to drop in to a conversation of the merits of television purchasing.

"What?!!"

Des sighed. "Liver, right, loves milk. So the liver will crawl across the top of your telly at night, and climb up the glass to drink the milk. But cos it's heavy, it'll topple over, and spill milk in to the back of your telly. And then you can claim for it on insurance."

The liver will crawl across the top of your telly at night.

Astonished, I offered him a chance to backtrack from the monumental advice he had just offered up.

"Des, is that actually true?"

"Yeah, my uncle works in insurance. There's nothing they can do about it. Happens all the time."



So there you go, it was a insurance scam of epidemic proportions in the late-ninties to encourage a piece of liver to throw milk down the back of your TV set, and insurance companies would begrudgingly pay out, if that's what you told them had happened. MIND-BLOWING.

Des Smith, Prince of France, King of Bullshit.


Length? I hold the world-record for it.
(Sloppy Giuseppe, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 20:05, 14 replies)

What a Tosser!
I used to have a mate who said he had never wanked. He said this in front of his girlfriend mind, did she think any better of him? Well they got married. I have a five knuckle sandwich every other day and I'm still single... so there you go.
( Yoofaloof 'I like it here, wherever it is...', Thu 13 Jan 2011, 19:46, 3 replies)

I'm
nice.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 19:37, Reply)

How he thought we believe it I dont know..
Preserved railways seem to attract bullshitters like Gary Glitter to a Toys-R-Us.
On the railway I volunteer on, we've had our fair share of 'I drove main-line before so dont need any training' and similar quotes. We usually root these idiots out in about 2 seconds, and they go away humiliated that their lies have not worked.
One however, stood out from the rest by a mile and stuck around like glue, lets call him Mr Skedgell, as thats his name!

Now Mr Skedgell was about 20, but was one of the classic 'Done everything' types. Been to Harper Adams Uni nr Shrewsbury for a 3 year course, (found out later he flunked out after about 3 weeks) yet had been working for 2 years after, that didnt add up!

Some of his better lies were..

His grandfather delayed D-Day, yes you read that right folks, his grandfather was apparently a vicar, and delayed the event so it wouldn't interfere with his services in a church on the south coast.

Grandmother skedgell however was the first woman in Britian to be taught how to use a lathe during the war.

Its OK to give normal chocolate to a dog, and said that vets lie about this information when he was challanged on the subject. (I really hope he doesn't own a dog now!)

His car, which was a battered Honda Civic that smelt of cow-shit, had to go back for a second MOT. As during the previous one the timing belt needed changing, the garage fitted one from a Ford Escort to get him home as they didn't have the right one in stock.

Thats the best ones I can remember at the moment, Im sure there were many more little lies.
When his father came to take him home (rather swiftly or he would have 'fallen down the stairs') one day after we found out he was stealing, his father said he was a 'serial bullshitter'! Oh how we laughed as he was driven off crying like a baby.

Someone we know saw him recently in the town, and apparently Mr Skedgell how works for the MOD designing missiles and rockets.

Mr Skedgell we salute you for being the biggest bullshitter we have ever come across! (and he's a thief, bonus points there?)
(cochsedd, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 19:36, 4 replies)

kids can be really stupid
in school, aged about 15, i managed to convince the entire drama club that i was related to Dracula. not Vlad the Impaler, who actually existed, but the purely fictitious Count Dracula.
fucking gullible idiots.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 18:52, Reply)

She's lucky she's so pretty
I work with a girl who we'll call Dolly. Dolly is wonderfully nice, pretty as can be, and has a great body. So naturally, Dolly is quite slow sometimes. Truth be told, most of the time. Because of this, my friend Tom and I have a running competition to see who can convince her of the most ridiculous bullshit. Thus far, we've convinced her of the following:

The Jews have never been a part of any war, ever.

Jack the Ripper was a famous circus performer whose act involved ripping in half things you wouldn't think someone could rip in half, like phone books and metal pipes.

And once when she asked me where to find the single serving packets of crisps, I convinced her that the crisp company reserves those size bags for rest stops, and that I paid a premium to the grocery manager at the store to special order them for me. I allegedly have a box in back reserved for me, prepaid, that I can pick up at any time. Also got the grocery manager to give her a price quote when she ran into him.

Considering how generally awesome a person she is (she really doesn't seem to comprehend that anyone could mislead her, and in several years I've not once seen her do anything mean or selfish at work), Tom and I are fairly certain that this is just earning us a few more ranks up in hell.
( Ithyphallophobia, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 18:22, Reply)

Fabio
It was my second year in middle school (or year 6 as its now known) and we had the dubious honour of sitting with one of the most compulsive liars I have ever met.

Twas 1990 and the fashionable kids had Master Systems and Nintendos for yuletide gifts, but not PS, oh noooo, y'see his "uncle owned Nintendo" so he'd said they weren't any good so had bought PS a Neo-Geo and Laserdisc, but when someone had actually been to his house they had "gone in for repairs" - convenient that.

The Zenith of PS' reverie though was Fabio, his mythical nemesis whose escapades included:

an all-in wrestling match in a local park with PS (who was winning of course) until 4am when PS' dad (an erstwhile wrestler himself who even possessed a swordstick don't you know) came and chased Fabio away (as Fabio was mortally afraid of him).

Fabio's family trying to buy Nintendo from PS' uncle but not having enough money

Fabio chasing PS down his street with a harpoon gun until PS' mum threw a kitchen knife at Fabio which knocked the harpoon gun out of his hand which she then picked up and proceded to shoot the tyres of Fabio's mum's car out.

Plus many more, I had to spend 9 years of my life with this tedious wanker so now have a pathological hatred of lies and liars. Thanks PS! you cunt
(Suomi_Finland_Perkele knocking 256 shades of shit out of your screen on, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 18:19, 2 replies)

Homeopaths
They make me so mad, I'm going to go drink a pint of water which may or may not have the memory of Hitler's kidneys.
(rogerzilla, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 18:18, 1 reply)

There's a very funny site related to this question.
The way it works is that you type in a particular subject, and it gives you a collection of nonsensical or idiotic things that people have said about that subject. It's here.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 18:14, 1 reply)

I am assured this is true.
Some colleagues of mine have a friend who is having intimate relations with an Indian girl. Her family are, apparently, very traditional -- so she was married to a family friend in the usual arranged fashion.
However, her husband works away (oil rigs I thnk) and doesn't really mind what his wife does in his absence.
So, this woman finds a lover and they spend a great deal of time together, but have to be discrete for fear of family reprisals.
All goes well, but the woman becomes pregnant and is the mother of a very light-skinned baby, much lighter than would be expected for a child of two Asian parents.
You would expect the woman to take her maternity then return to work without ever taking her child into the office -- this mother was too proud though and had to show off her bundle of joy. So, she did what any normal person would do in the situation and applied fake tan to the baby.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 18:14, 1 reply)

The Bullshits of Taylor
My friend Taylor is one of the most prolific peddlers of bullshit I've ever known. Amongst other things, he has claimed that;

- Pulling someone's hair in a certain way is so painful that you can make them tell you anything you want by doing it. (Despite the fact that when he tried this on me, the only information I gave him was that he was really annoying)

- The aforementioned technique doesn't work on him though, because he got beaten up by his dad so much as a child that he's now immune to pain.

- In fact, he knows all the best ways to incapacitate people, and if there was another world war, he'd be a general because he has all the strategies.

- The reason some people need to wear glasses is because their parents aren't married. This is a fact. If they are married and their offspring have glasses, it means they'll be 'on the split-up' soon.

- Being a vegetarian is just as ethically wrong as eating meat because "When you pull a carrot out the ground, you're killing it just the same as when you shoot a ferret in the head."

- He is plainly better at maths than another friend, who has a 1st-class master's degree in statistics and is now studying for a Phd. Taylor, by contrast, never even did A-levels. And also, most bafflingly of all;

- He can't read or write. When we queried how he can send us texts and emails, be on Facebook constantly, and have completed every Metal Gear Solid game multiple times, he said "I get my brother to read it all for me."

Seriously, what? The mind boggles at the nonsense this guy serves up...
(Uncle Comrade, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 18:08, 6 replies)

A guy I did "A" levels with
told everyone he had directed "Raiders of the Lost Ark". There were two major flaws to this:

(a) he was 11 when it came out

(b) although his first name was indeed Steven, the surname of Spriggins has not, to my knowledge, featured beneath any blockbuster movie.

Twat.
(rogerzilla, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 18:05, Reply)

I have this honda accord see, and I used it once to get revenge ...
and my supermodel girlfriends in a threesome with me,


(I know, it's not funny anymore but someone had to do it. It might as well be me. I'm surprised no one mentioned the honds story up till now.
(MichaelS wasn't picked again, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:58, 2 replies)

I swear Joseph, it's Immaculate!
I did not have sexual relations with that Roman.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:51, 7 replies)

My penis is HUGE!

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:49, 1 reply)

Actually, this one's a bit sad...
We used to have friends that we'd met as fellow parents at the local infant school because we had kids in the same class. The bloke was a genial chap and a good laugh. His missus was a bit odd and prone to injecting conversations with liberal sprinklings of bullshit – nothing too outrageous, but often something to draw sympathy (horrible step-parents, nasty neighbours, ghastly jobs – that sort of thing). We tolerated the BS because they were a nice couple and the kids got on.

The 9yo daughter obviously inherited her mums loose grip on reality and our kid would often report her latest obvious story. Example; she was allergic to strawberries (which is possible) but when caught eating strawberries, the mum claimed that they were special genetically modified strawberries the hospital gave her that had the allergen removed (I guess technically possible, but why would the NHS bother?).

All funny and harmless stuff.

Then they had another child. A boy this time and tragically enough, the lad was pretty poorly from an early age. We were all very concerned. Far from getting better, he kept going down hill. He was given weeks to live. Maybe only a few days at most. He was in and out of hospital on a continual basis and would be seen at the school gates with feeding/breathing tubes up his nose. He was allergic to almost everything, including sunlight for a while. He would get worse, get better, then get worse again. It was all quite distressing. And it went on and on and on. And on.

You’ve probably already guessed, so it doesn’t need me to fill in the blanks. Her bullshitting had become pathological and she was making him ill on purpose, presumably to milk the huge sympathy her friends were providing. Not 100% sure how, but she is awaiting trial after the medics finally realized what was going on.

Fuck it. Lately I seem to post nothing but maudlin stories on QOTW. Can we get back to knob gags soon?
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:45, 3 replies)

The T Man Says...
My flatmates and I started one of those Twitter things to document and share the utter nonsense our friend says. Before meeting him, I thought Karl Pilkington was a character but people like him truly exist.

Now, you too can enjoy the hummus:

http://twitter.com/thetmansays
(McChaff, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:32, 7 replies)

The new kid at school
When I was going through secondary school, there was this new girl Angela, who I sort of hung out with for a while.

She told me that she had just recovered from leukemia, and that I shouldn't tell anyone. I just knew it wasn't true, and I did the maths, and I figured that this would turn into one of those "your word against mine" situations, so I let it slide.

Anyway, a couple of years ago, I saw her for the first time since school, I don't know why, but I purposely called her by the wrong name. Which made it really easy not to give her my number and get reacquainted.
(Catomiagi is in with a chance, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:23, Reply)

Well, Its hard to know where to start.....
You see, there is this Jew and he lives in the sky with his dad.
(waxdart hello., Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:19, 4 replies)

crispy
i once had a couple living in the flat above me, known to all(behind their backs) as crispy and greasy. they were both consummate bullshit artists, but crispy was the worst. whilst greasy's lies were along the rather needy and deluded lines of "my old mate from school just rang, she wants to take me out for a drink" even though nobody had heard the phone ring or seen her move, crispy's were a little more sinister.
he claimed to have belonged to a really tough gang, a gang who'd murdered several rival gang members, but managed to keep the police out of it. he said he'd tried heroin several times but didn't like it and gave up with no trouble whatsoever. he said he could make bombs. he said he'd burned out the mayor's car. he said he'd knifed someone to death.
the second worst lie was when he phoned me at 10 a.m one morning to tell me he and greasy had arrived safely in blackpool. i didn't know at the time that he was using me to set up an alibi. turns out he was actually phoning me from the train station around the corner, just before going to his adoptive parents' house and stealing about £200 whilst they were at work.
the worst lie was when he told me he'd "found" £25, which he used to buy junk food and pizzas. he hadn't stolen 25 of my films and flogged them for a quid each to cash generators, oh, no.
after being confronted by a furious me and an almost incandescent smash sister with an itchy fist, they did a flit. if i ever see that lying, fat, thieving, ugly wanksock again, i swear i'll jam a squirrel in him.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:08, 8 replies)

Interview bullshitter
Have a link back to the "Job Interviews" qotw... wavy lines.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:05, Reply)

I had a friend who was doing a philosophy degree.
When it came to his final, the question paper just had written on it "What is the definition of bravery?" and he just wrote "This is" and walked out.

He got a first.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 13 Jan 2011, 17:04, 6 replies)