After Christmas Dinner,
We usually have some Gateaux(sp?) with that spray cream on top. Cue the hilarity of cream moustaches and the like. That is until I nearly choke on a whole fuck off lump of cream.
( Laughing Boy, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 18:52, Reply)

Last Christmas Day
I was phoning my cheating girlfriend that I was hopelessly in love with, trying to patch things up. She broke the news of her new boyfriend to me a few days later. Then dumped me. Merry watermeloning Christmas.
(richard pye, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 18:37, Reply)

last christmas...
Me and friends went on night out in Brighton. One friend drinks half bottle of vodka on empty stomach. Half an hour later he's out for the count. Of course, no taxi will take him in the state he's in, and we've all had a few drinks so no driving for us.
We ended up ringing another mate who lived 15 miles away to come and pick him up.
Strange thing is that he remembers absolutely nothing about the night. Only waking up and seeing his mother's face of thunder.
(CerberaSpeedTwelve, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 17:55, Reply)

Last christmas where my now extremely senile nan
recognised my brother and sister, but failed miserably to recognise me.
Yeh that was a great christmas. No watermeloning present.
(monsta, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 17:52, Reply)

Christmas eve shopping, got locked in a shopping center till boxing day.
Fun.
(G.Eusebio ...Fentruk from the long past..., Thu 23 Dec 2004, 17:28, Reply)

Xmas 'mare
Christmas a few years ago, I pulled a cracker and the bit of explosive that goes *BANG* flew out, burning my eyeballs. Xmas Day was spent in A&E, where the doctor was too scared and squeamish to put the necessary drops in my eye (my mum had to do it). I spent the rest of the Xmas holiday lying on the sofa with patches over my eyes, I missed all the quality cartoons that are on over Xmas, and I got better just in time to go back to school :-(
(emma_fisi, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 16:38, Reply)

Tis the Season to be poorly
9 years old, what did I get for Christmas? Diabetes. Laverly. I thoroughly enjoyed vomiting copiously throughout christmas eve, ruining Christmas '88 for my entire family, and waking up Christmas day in a hospital bed. And my festive hearty meal of a slice of turkey and some raw carrots (as my parents were afraid of feeding me anything) was also a barrel of laughs. Interesting, a mere 17 years later, I shall be spending this Christmas pissed out of my features, poking down as much food and booze as my stomach will allow. Which, fortunately, is plenty :)
(Vernie, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 16:28, Reply)

bah
Well i've been a long standing peruser of b3ta and now after around a year fell compelled to write sumthing. out of shear office/xmas bordem you see.

last xmas i had a two hour row with my nan as to whether they should bring back the black and white minstrel show (she was pro is was against you see)

thats it really...
(remegels, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 16:24, Reply)

how flammable are paper hats?
Imagine the scene. You are the only single one left in the family (only cause im fussy) i will be subjected to sitting with all my smug aunties and uncles (none of them are actually related to me at all) with my arsey cousins. and I will have the delights of sitting at the kids table wiht a 5 year old, 8 year old and an evil 10 year old who has the charm of damien. I will also be forced to wear a shite paper hat throughout the entire painful event.

Ill probably have to play trivial pursuit again (where we have to pretend we are all thick so Damien-child can win prizes.
And its a no smoking house

HO HO CHRISTMAS
(wilma_wonka, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 16:09, Reply)

had a lovely xmas...
at my granparent's house, the whole family there, started at 10 with presents & sherry or somesuch, massive lunch, finished at 5 when everyone was sozzled and rolled into the car to go home. We all got on famously. Grandad (who liked a drink) phones up on Boxing Day and says to my dad, "It really was a marvellous day yesterday, pity you lot couldn't make it, really"
(peludodan, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 16:00, Reply)

Leather Jacket
Sort of a Christmas nightmare fashion disaster. About 15 years ago my dad was working in London (we lived in Glasgow at the time). There was a big wholesale warehouse where they sold leather jackets on the cheap. My dad came back with leather jackets for the whole family for christmas. Mine was one of those with a bit of leather, a bit of suede, some knitted sections with snowflake patterns and *way* too many zips. It was horrendous. I never wore it past trying it on after I unwrapped it. I still shudder when I think about it sitting in my cupboard for about 2 years before my mum started to wear it to walk the dog in the mornings. Possibly the worst jacket in the world. Apparently, they're still considered high fashion in Afghanistan.
(declan_m, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:49, Reply)

Xmas Suicide
Last year we had both sets of parents (mine and my wifes) over for the festive period and did the whole shebang. Bear in mind my better bit is French (and naturally so are her parents).

Halfway through dinner, mother-in-law gets up and announces that she wishes to end her life and then runs crying from our dining room. Cue my wife attempting to stop her mother throwing herself from bedroom window (unfortunately, successfully). My parents didn't have a clue as it was all in French. My wife was 8 months pregnant, so we decided to send them home pronto.

This year we put two fingers up to the lot of them and we are in Sydney, Australia, celebrating with friends. Unfortunately, I have food poisoning and it looks like I might be in hospital tomorrow! There is a moral in there somewhere.

Apols for festive longditude.
(thegripesofwrath, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:48, Reply)

A pain in the...
I once went to Denmark for Christmas with the relatives and spent pretty much the whole time on a sofa bed in the lounge, being very ill and with some sort of physical segregation from the rest of the room to try and prevent my grandparents getting ill (just how they thought this would work I'm not sure. Then again there was a limit to how far you can boff without the aid of booze/kebabs, so it may have been to try and save the carpets). All I really remember was that duck was on the menu for Christmas eve and that they use anal thermometers over there. Very traumatic for a 7 year old.

:(

BTW: Merry Christmas all!
(Forecast Monkey, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:48, Reply)

a few years ago my mother told me
if i was bad santa would have his polar bear minions take my presents and drop them in the icey seas never to be seen again by man or beast
a bit like this:

( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:45, Reply)

Where to begin?
hmm. there's a few:

1971 - Did I ask for skis? Nope. Had I ever been on skis? No. Parents proceed to put me on skis, and push me down a hill. Cut to a parental shit fit when I don't qualify for the olympics on the first go. Then by all means, force me to stay outside and SKI, goddamit.

1975 - I own a humble but growing record collection. I don't own a record player. See that record player under the tree? Guess who its for? Not me.

1978 - Christmas Eve: The most exciting part of the evening occurs when one of my father's friends invites me outside for a fistfight. Him being too drunk to stand up for more than 11 seconds at a time.

1979 - I find a wrench on the side of the road, which I wrap, then put a bow on it. Merry Christmas Dad!

1980 through 1983 - A serious white powder habit wraps the holidays in a beautiful shiny haze.

1984 - Christmas Eve: No snow but plenty o booze. I pull a drunk friend from beneath a parked car, then we drive it across the garden into a tree. We live, car dies.

Christmas. Is it absolutely necessary?
(Drunkendragon, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:45, Reply)

when i didn't get my buzz lightyear...
i got some shitty money-box piece of dogs-cack... ah, the toy story generation...
(notjustahatrack peeling a sausage..., Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:38, Reply)

i used to be into my little ponies
not in a big way...but i did have the castle.
there was this one that came out with a key and her saddle would flip up and there would be a little compartment in there. i wanted one sooo much.

guess what i got when i opened my prezzie? not the white one i had asked for... but a purple one. i was gutted and cried for ages.

its hilarious how spoilt kids are
(fluffytail, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:32, Reply)

More dumping
Had a lovely christmas day, (ex)girlfriend came round exchanged presents told me she loved me, aww aint that sweet.
Boxing day however, i found out she was messing with a mate of mine. B!tch.
(Fishbone-didi, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:30, Reply)

Nightmare before Xmas
I am going to Oxford Street tomorrow to do my Xmas shopping. If I'm feeling especially retarded, I may even drive in.
( wangmaster2000, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:28, Reply)

got dumped too
I also unfortuantly got dumped by my other half on chistmas eve, who coincedently, I found out she was sleeping with two of our best friends.

Whilst that was bad enough, it left me with 600 quids worth of presents for her and her family, many of which I couldnt even palm off to other people. Even worse was the bank charge for my overdrawn account in January!
(gristy Twice as a rabbit, but oh, how a reputation sticks, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:09, Reply)

Xmas trauma
I asked my rents to tell Father Cristmas to get me the Ms Dynamite CD, but they said I was a naughty boy and Santa wasn't visiting me anymore....I sobbed for months.
( Goriath, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:05, Reply)

Tim Burton would be proud
of this week's question.
( Reid got it going on like Donkey Kong, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:02, Reply)

Animal Magic
Many years ago, when i was young, I got pets as Christmas presents. All the time. Every year. You see, they never lasted more than 12 months. Sometimes considerably less.
One frosty Christmas morning when i was about five or six i woke up and ran excitedly to open my presents. My mother waylaid me and told me that she thought Santa had run into a few problems this year, and I'd have to try and be a brave soldier. No worries, I thought, and opened my present. It was an enormous, beautiful Habitrail (hamster house thing). Only problem was, it was completely empty. Allegedly my stepdad had woken up in the middle of the night to find it empty. They'd searched high and low for the missing hamster, they'd phoned local radio to try and find a replacement, they'd even phoned the police (i reckon they were a bit tipsy). But to no avail.
It was kind of okay, apart from the sheer weird coincidence of getting a plastic rat in my Christmas cracker. Searching for the hamster was quite fun, and I got not only a hamster but a puppy too the day after Boxing Day. Bit of a nightmare for my parents on the day though.
Still, serves them right. Last year my stepdad admitted he was drunk and had trodden on it going to the toilet.
This year i'm hoping for a slightly more hardy present..maybe a pony.
First post..wooh!
(mookroolz, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 15:01, Reply)

Not done a bit of shopping..
Not a thing. Just moved house, thats why, oh and i couldnt really give a f**k. Be getting me son and mrs something nice tho :)
My shopping nightmware will be 1) Finding a cash machine with money it 2) Finding a parking space 3) Getting to the shop i have already put aside present in
4) When returning home, having to unpack things from house move.
Gay.
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 14:50, Reply)

and one year
i stamped on my sisters new 'babytalk', breaking the closing eye device thingy.

the rents then took away my new racer for a week.

it was an ivory apollo.... with flourescent stickers.

nightmare.
(magictorch, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 14:49, Reply)

purely selfish
one year i asked for 'rhino' the M.A.S.K. behemoth. while unwrapping my prezzies on crimble morning, my parents told me they couldnt find one anywhere....

absolute nightmare. worse than being dumped as well i reckon.

i eventually got it for my birthday in march. not all bad then.

rambling a bit really. you know in interrogations, when the interrogators say nothing and the suspect feels the need to fill the silence... a bit like that really.
(magictorch, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 14:47, Reply)

I once did the whole of Xmas eve and the following morning
at a massive illegal party in some field then spent the day/dinner bog eyed, gurning at my mums other half's mum.

Around pudding I vomited onto my unfinished luncheon and declared myself 'deranged' before retiring to my room.

I am known as the cranberryofthe family.


Swearing really is off limits isn't it.

cranberryshitbuggerpisspoomichaelhoward

also what happens if you live in scunthorpe?

oh, that...
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Thu 23 Dec 2004, 14:46, Reply)

I Spent Christmas
I spent Christmas in an Airport, snowed in. Best time ever. Didn't have to meet with the bad relatives, and still got all of their presents, as well as a comp voucher for a future ticket from the airline. I wish I'd get stuck at the airport every Christmas!
(FleetlordVT, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 14:46, Reply)

got dumped
by a burd who was shagging my mate. finding out she was the group bicycle wasnt fun.

all on christmas eve.

tis the season.

and you're right it is a bit quiet.... twas the night before the night before christmas, and all thru the page...
(magictorch, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 14:43, Reply)

er
bit quiet here innit?

I don't think I've had a Christmas nightmare, maybe this year will provide my first.

( notshiny, Thu 23 Dec 2004, 14:34, Reply)