I sold Rhod Gilbert a toilet seat, He is less unfunny in real life.
I had a pint with Mark Williams who is currently Rorys Dad in Dr Who.
I had a fag with the fat bird that plays Nessa from Gavin & Stacy.
Also myself and a frend shouted "Chad Croger" like mongs at Chad Croger
(Orkstomper, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 11:09, Reply)

One day in a cafe
The man looked with weary disdain at the repast laid before him: a plate piled high with limp, glutinous food that seemed robbed of much of its colour saturation and, he assumed, suffering from a similar lack of flavour. He sighed. This kind of sub-standard fare had become a quotidian occurrence, ruining his once-healthy appetite and reducing mealtimes from a cause of celebration to an ordeal to be endured. He picked listlessly at something that may have been made of potato, or meat; there was little difference in structure, tactile sensation or even taste between the various constituents of his meal. Each part had a patina of dimpled grease sticking to its surface, congealing as the heat dissipated from the food into the ether. He gently placed down his knife and fork and stood up.

"Sir! Sir! Do you want your bill?" asked an effeminate waiter, looking with alarm as the man broke away from his daily script, ad-libbing actions that he had no ready answer for.

"I won't be paying today," replied the man, slowly and deliberately. "This food is swill."

Their conversation was interrupted by a fat, naked man leaping through the plate glass window and executing a perfect commando roll. He leapt to his feat with a speed and grace which belied his bulk, and starting twanging his stubby penis like a stringed instrument. In the confusion, the man slipped away from the restaurant, vowing never to return.

"What the hell?" asked the visibly shaken waiter.

"Search me, buddy", replied Tony Way. "I only came in to give you this."

With that, he slapped first one, then the other of his sizeable buttocks, kissed the waiter full on the mouth, and ran off as quickly as he entered.
(SalariosDecentes was under the radar on, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 10:54, 3 replies)

This is just a bit of a weird story
Back in the mists of time - must have been around 1979/80, when I was still quite young, I did a bit of inter-railing / Youth Hostelling. One place I ended up was a Youth Hostel in the South of France, on the coast at a place called Frejus.

As I sat around chatting with some other young people, an elder man (in his 30s) edged over and joined in the conversation. He spoke French, and when he spoke English, he had a French accent, but I wasn't fooled, as it was clear to me that this was none other than Patrick Mower - minor star of TV and screen in the 1970s. I didn't say anything though, as being a kid of 17 I didn't have the big brass balls that I do today.

Anyway, he had a car and offered to take some of us to a little beach near by that he knew, where you could sunbathe nude. Don't ask me why (cos it's obvious - we wanted to see nude women), but some of us accepted and we went with him to this nude beach. I clearly remember one of the guys was British-Chinese and I was amazed to see that he had straight pubes!

Nothing untoward happened; we spent the day at the beach and then he took us back to the hostel. Probably the oddest brush with 'fame' I've had - and I've accidentally stood on Neil Kinnock's foot as he held the door open for me at the Brentford Waterman's Arts Centre.

As for tenuous - my Dad was in the rag trade and he once made dresses for both Princess Anne and Miss France, and one of his best friends in the business was the life partner of Freddie Fox, the Queen's milliner (http://www.express.co.uk/posts/view/238020/Royal-secrets-of-the-Queen-s-hat-designer) - this has to be the origin of the 'wear the fox hat' joke surely?
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 10:41, Reply)

Thin Lizzy fat head
My dad tried on Phil Lynotts hat in a hat shop in Dublin. He said it was huge and my dad is a) not a small man and b)had a dirty great 'fro at the time
(bryo, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 10:32, Reply)

So, is there anyone here who *doesn't* have a tenuous celebrity encounter to relate?
I'm starting to thing that it's not possible to avoid the buggers, on the evidence here this week.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 10:21, 1 reply)

I played football with Stuart from Belle & Sebastian in Hyde Park in 2003.
... and I think their drummer was there as well. Nearly managed to break his leg with an unfortunate tackle which no doubt would have delayed the start of their upcoming tour.

Both of them are splendid chaps.
( bierbelly, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 9:52, Reply)

DG's "hat as an ashtray" story
prompted this pearoast


I once mistook Johnny Vegas for a pile of coats at a party in Edinburgh. I chucked my jacket down and it wasn't until I head an "Oi!" then saw a hand clutching a pint of Guiness appear from under it that I realised...
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 8:57, Reply)

I've worked with them all...
Alan Titchmarsh, Charlie Dimmock, Monty Don and of course, the Godfather; Percy Thrower.
(Legless is a prick., Tue 25 Sep 2012, 7:26, Reply)

Still waters run deep
A long time ago ,my friend's sister's G.P. was a quiet unassuming man with a beard. In fact at the time, according to her, he seemed to be quite a nice bloke actually.
Oh his name? Dr. Harold Shipman. YIKES! Lucky for her she was not an old lady at the time and thus lived to tell the tale.
(Mackeson_drinker, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 6:57, Reply)

at the nec car show
My mum pushed my brothers buggy into Tiff Needell (back when he was on top gear). She didn't know who he was, my dad and I had to tell her he was from the telly...
(baldpig pee'd in your pool on, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 4:33, Reply)

Shared a lift...
...with Jeremy Irons once.
( hismastersvice cunting flange-jammer, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 4:11, Reply)

Heaven 17 lived in my attic!
Back when I was a nipper, we got a cassette-sized package from Radio Luxembourg through the post addressed to Heaven 17, and my mum said it was for the students that lived in our house who sometimes woke me on a Sunday morning with band practice. As a result, when a band of the same name hit the charts several years later I naturally assumed that they were one and the same group and made a point of telling everyone I could that they used to live in my attic. Skip 20 years, and a colleague was talking about a gig he did when he was in "the original Heaven 17" - the story was that the name had been nicked when they were at a demo session with the soon-to-be-famous Heaven 17 (although a bit of research doesn't seem to back this up).
So it's true, Heaven 17 did live in my attic. Just not that one.
I guess the condom dropped below my bedroom window (which I roundly got blamed for by my mum) isn't worth anything after all...
(FP - yay!)
( tarka_dall Like normal dall, only a bit more spicy, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 1:28, 3 replies)

'Do you know who I am?' pearoast
Pearoast, but he's been in the news, so here goes:

I went to a meeting at Fortress Wapping a few years back (not with Sun/NOTW though).

While waiting in the Portakabin/security hut you have to go through to get into the complex, KM strolls in - this was after he'd left - and says he has a meeting with Rebekah Brooks (still Wade at the time) who was Sun editor back then.

Security guard - whose card KM had probably already marked, on account of his colour - says, politely, "Who can I say it is?"

Well, fucking hell, did the shit hit the fan. I'd never ever actually heard someone use the "Do you know who I am?" line before. And even when he then said, very slowly "Kel-vin Mac-Ken-zie," the security guard still looked at him blankly. KM was not a happy bunny. In fact, he was going rather purple. Eventually he got let through, and had to wear a visitor badge like everyone else.

Priceless.

BTW this is not my shit claim to fame - it was KM claiming the fame, but it didn't mean shit to the security guard ;o)
(Capo, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 0:30, 4 replies)

Trainer in Vain
Wife's best friend from high school has worked for an A list star for past couple of decades, including as creative director for her fashion label.

She's stayed with us a couple of times on trips to Europe and emailed across a picture of a trainer she'd designed that was due to go in the following year's collection... name she gave it was my surname, and in keeping with that (I'm Scottish) it also had a nice tartan design - one that was a bit edgier than your average shortbread tin, thankfully.

It never actually made it into the shops, sadly, although that actually reinforces just how shit a claim to fame it is.
(Capo, Tue 25 Sep 2012, 0:04, Reply)

A few I forgot. - In which I sit on a hat and play PJ Harvey's guitar.
I sat on Maureen Lipman's hat.
My boyfriend was a lighting chap at the Stephen Joseph theatre and had dinner round Alan Ayckbourn's house, I wasn't invited.

But best of all, my music teacher was John Parish who is the guitarist with PJ Harvey. We used to have music lessons in his recording studio. Every term we would put on a concert in which we all sang or played or what ever we could do.
So in one that I remember well I sang a duet with a guy and played guitar in another song. I didn't have a guitar so I borrowed one of PJ's and played it in the concert, while she was there in the audience.

Another time we did a production of Hamlet for which John wrote the song False Fire. As I was putting together the program he gave me the hand written lyrics for it. Signed and dated. However I have lost them!

That was in about '93. A few years ago he recorded and released the song:
www.amazon.co.uk/False-Fire/dp/B0020DC1ZM/ref=sr_1_cc_1?s=aps&ie=UTF8&qid=1348522867&sr=1-1-catcorr

Seeing your music teacher on stage at Glastonbury is rather odd!
( Mrs Entity is in hiding., Mon 24 Sep 2012, 22:45, Reply)

My old band supported Napalm Death
in Portsmouth about 11 years ago. Bassist Shane Embury asked me if I had a spoon. We shared a dressing room with Defenestration, who were lovely, if a little obsessed with Spanish pr0n.
(beanojam isn't really Ricardo Flange, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 22:35, 3 replies)

My missus worked with someone
who used to work at Boots in the photo department. In an amusing mix up, she developed a load of negatives that the mighty Tom Baker had brought in, only to give him the the wrong snaps back later that week. I imagine that some lucky bastard got a load of prints of Lalla Ward wearing her City of Death outfit, whilst he got 24 images of a downtrodden family having a "great" weekend in Bogor Regis.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 24 Sep 2012, 22:29, Reply)

Oh, I forgot
I nodded at Gene Hackman, he was on holiday in Tanzania - the Ngorogoro Crater, I was getting over malaria and probably thought that I was hallucinating. He seemed nice enough
(conanow, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 22:05, Reply)

The mighty avengers
Were a 60's pop group from Coventry . Mike Linnell from the band was my team mate in a Monday night bowls league. Despite the games reputation we still drank more than he used to with his close mates: Mick jagger and Keith Richards .
Length 32 yard back toucher
(boarders You won't catch me with my trousers, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 22:02, 2 replies)

So near
I nearly sold my flat to a Springbok: Pieter Roussow - apparently he played in the1999Rugby World cup -when he was playing for London Irish he stuck a note through our door asking to be told if we ever wanted to sell the flat.Based in Sunbury, the flat was very near their training ground. It was all going through nicely, we met his wife and baby son. In fact it was not until I heard on Radio 5 Live that he was going back to S. Africa that we knew that the sale had fallen through.. Bit of a bummer actually.


Oh yeah, and I went to a christening which Claire Danes attended, I didn't know who she was. ..
Still not too sure actually
(conanow, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 21:59, Reply)

Drummer's Sons
I went to school with the son of Mickey Hart, Grateful Dead drummer.
(+3 Baroque Vambrace of Icthyology, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 21:38, Reply)

I have been featured on Crimewatch.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 21:30, 5 replies)

I was on 'We want to sing'
back in the day when there was only 2 or 3 TV channels available. It was one of those programmes where classes from a couple of schools made up the audience. I think Leslie Crowther may have been the host but I can't remember the format, other than it involved singing, obviously.

I do remember I was shown on national TV when the camera panned around the audience and I was probably quite memorable for at least a second or two. Mainly because I was indulging in the usual habit of a 6/7 year old, with a finger buried up to the knuckle trying to get that elusive bogey...don't think I ate it tho'.
(RTFM May your god go with you, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 21:04, Reply)

I once punched Fish out of Marillion.
It was a friendly punch in the arm as we were shaking hangs, but still.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 20:40, 3 replies)

I worked in an opticians when I was a student
I once sold a pair of spectacles to Bernie Clifton. I had to ask him where I knew him from.
(dwp, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 20:40, 1 reply)

Leicester fame
I went to school wth a girl whose Dad was in Showawaddywaddy.
( Van Da Graph is sufferng wth an intermttent 'i' key, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 20:35, 1 reply)

The girl who gave three of my friends crabs fucked one of Pennywise
it might have been the one that killed himself, I can't remember
(cs1ca, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 20:14, 4 replies)

Selling out
I was on the front cover of the 1976 "Colony Holidays" brochure.
(ubergeekian, Mon 24 Sep 2012, 20:09, Reply)

One of my old graphic design lecturers
did the cover art for W.A.S.P.'s "Fuck Like a Beast." He didn't like to talk about it, really.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 24 Sep 2012, 19:54, 1 reply)

I once nearly used Mark Chadwick out of the Levellers hat as an ashtray.
As revenge for my almost faux pas, he snogged my missus next to some sheep.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Mon 24 Sep 2012, 19:34, 7 replies)