Relationships
I'd like to make a general complaint/rant. Apologies in advance for lack of LOLs.

I met a girl just before Christmas, when my relationship with my ex still had about as much closure as the bow doors on the Herald of Free Enterprise. New girl was very cute but had a boyfriend of 5 years and told me not to fall for her as it would make things too complicated and she just wanted to be friends. I said ok and we spent more and more time together as she had just moved to my city and knew nobody.

A few months later her boyfriend dumps her out of the blue whilst I'm away on holiday. I told her I wasn't ready for any big commitment immdeiately but, after a few weeks, she told me she was falling in love with me. I got really confused and, wanting to do the 'right thing' and not hurt/use her, told her that, as my feeling wern't as strong, maybe it'd best if we were just friends. Still, we kept ending up in bed... After a few months of her getting hurt by my mixed messages (which I bitterly regret), I came away on holiday this summer.

I realised suddenly how much I missed her. I nearly broke of a 7 week holiday after 1 week just to go see her. I decided instead to shorten my trip to three weeks and fly half way across Europe to tell her that, belatedly, I wanted us to be together. In my mind it was all finally going to work out and we would both be so happy. :D

A week before I was to fly back she told me she'd was having a shit summer. This guy, who I knew had been sniffing around for a while, but I'd not taken seriously because she'd told me she wasn't interested in him and he was such an ass, had invited her on holiday but then cancelled last minute. I was surprised she was a) planning to go on holiday with him and b) upset so much. She told me she had so wanted to get over me that she'd had a one night stand with him, which had developed into more... That was three weeks ago.

Now I'm in love with a girl who was in love with me for months, but is now together with a guy I consider to be a complete turd.

I would like to complain as it seems the whole thing is so terribly fucked up.

Dear world, can you please sort this out?!? At least make sure it doesn't happen again and send me some vouchers for sex to help me move on...?
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 8:06, 22 replies)

if you like her,
the best thing to do is be honest and write her a long email. Say its your fault for being on the fence, ask her that if there still is a chance, she'll consider having a relationship with you, at least she can choose whether or not to be with the other guy and if she truely doesn't feel right with him, she can break up with him, again it's up to her, ask here if she does consider to go out with you, let her make the decision to break off with the other guy and take her out on a romantic meal.
( schizophrenic_sheep, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 8:43, closed)

Thank you
Thank you very much for replying. I love that random strangers on the internet can take time to empathise and give advice.

I have made it very clear to her that I want her to go out with me.

Her response was that she had always worried that if she moved on I would come back; but that friends had told her that, if she did move on, when I came back she wouldn't care. She said her friends were right. She feels sad that I am unhappy, but she really likes this new guy.

I'm trying my best to remain close to her (very hard for me at the moment) and in the (seemingly very, very, unlikely) event that she doesn't end up in a serious relationship with the guy, hope that I will be there for her.

What makes it harder is that, as she was new in town when I met her, I introduced her to all my friends, with whom she is also now friends. This new guy is friends of one of our mutual friends. Even if I wanted to and were strong enough to, I couldn't just cut her off to get some distance.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 8:57, closed)

I know what you mean
one of my ex's broke up with me after 3 months and started to flirt around with someone i knew. The only thing i could say is that whatever you do, don't slag off about the other man, you'll always regret it later, as i know what i said in the past was petty, jealous talk. Make an effort to look gorgeous, fitter, more fun to be around and social to other women, if she doesn't get the message that you're available, someone else will.
( schizophrenic_sheep, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 13:01, closed)

This is a troubling case. 10 steps to save your masculinity
There is exists a clear plan which will give you a good chance of getting her back, infinitely better than your efforts thus far, which have been at best, ham-fisted, if not special needs.

I warn you, this does work, but you will need to get your emotions under control asap, and flush your conscience down the drain.

Here are the steps, but for the love of all that is holy, don't tell her that you're in love with her. Only beaten by 'have you met jesus' in the league of statements likely to make a woman cool her jets.

1. Ring her, apologise for messing her around, and wish her the best of luck with the new relationship, say that you hope that the two of you can be friends. Hang up within three minutes - no exceptions.

2. Drink a few bottles of whiskey, muscatel or whatever your poison. Optional, but a good idea anyway. Sort yourself the fuck out. Convince yourself of the truth of what you said at step 1. (NB this is a plan to achieve the complete opposite, but you have to be at least able to accept that it might not happen).

3. Empty your environment of her. Delete her number. If you bump into her, be cool. BE COOL. And civil and stuff, but keep it to a minimum.

5. Do fuck all else. Don't contact her at all.

6. Go hump a few fat ugly birds. It'll be a diversion at least, and will keep you away from fiddling with yourself, which is a mug's game.

7. Try to get a proper date with someone who could, on paper at least, pass for relationship material. Ideally, this should be someone she should know, and dislike. It'd be great if she heard about this. Timing will be crucial. Don't shag her competition, just take her out, and show her a good time. Perhaps drop the hand, but nothing serious.

8. Grow a pair.

9. By this stage, you may have heard from her. She will want to chat, and meet up etc. but what she is really looking for is emotional comfort - don't give it to her. Be nice, but treat her as you would a male friend,

10. Meet up with her eventually, at a time and a place of your own choosing. Conversationally, don't avoid the talk of her new dude. Ask about him. 'he sounds like a nice guy'. This is crucial - if she complains about him, stick up for him. Explain away his behaviour as him being totally in love with her ('he's never met anyone like you before' etc.) The idea is to take away his mystique, make him a normal guy. You say he's a dickhead, he probably is, but that's what makes him a challenge to her - it keeps her interested. You have to make him normal.

By this stage, if you have pulled this 'getting over you, moving on' act well enough, she will be confused by you, and also miss the emotional support that you used to give her. Plus, you will have sown some seeds of doubt about her new man. It should be a cakewalk from there, but it requires balls and a bit of manipulation. Clarke Hazarde cannot guarantee that it will work, but it will do you a darn sight better than spilling your guts which is a surefire way of never getting to sex her again.
(Clerk T Hazarde are all the wine, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 19:49, closed)

When, in a few years,
the "Narrow escapes" question rears its head again, You'll have a story about the bullet you dodged!

Sorry it's not what you wanted to hear, sometimes life tells us things in funny ways.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 9:15, closed)

Tell her!
You've nothing to lose and you never know when it might be too late and you've missed your chance!
If you don't you WILL regret not doing so for a long time.
Pluck up some courage and bear your heart with all its honesty!
Good luck!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 9:26, closed)

As you've already worked out, it's your 'mixed messages' that've caused the trouble here.
When you had her on a plate you wouldn't commit, and now she's with someone else you've decided she's the One.

Why would she risk being hurt by you again? She can't believe a word you say.

My advice would be to back off. At the moment she has little respect for you. The good news is that you may be able to regain her respect by behaving with dignity and a bit of good old Manning the Fuck Up.

It won't be easy, but you CAN treat her and *him* as friends like everyone else. Find another nice girl or two to take out. Work hard at your job. Learn new skills. Have some fun!

After you've treated her as nothing more than a friend for a while - a year, say, or six months if you're lucky - she will look at you with new respect. She should also be intrigued by your new air of self-possession. Women love that!

To sum up: back off, give it time, give her space. She'll come back to you when she's ready. When she is, snap her up and get a ring on her! Good luck.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 9:53, closed)

Thank you
Again, thank you for replying and also for not beating around the bush. This is probably some of the best advice I've had. I think you're right - I doubt she feels she can trust me right now. As hard as it will be for me to stick to, I am going to try to treat both her, *and* her new guy, with as much respect and normality as possible.
(ComplexStuff Was confused by life on, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 17:15, closed)

Just think...
in 20 years, you'll look back and laugh, or cry.

Either way, you'll have moved on and this moment in time won't appear so important as it does right now.

it's just called 'experience'. You'll hopefully be better for it.
( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 10:07, closed)

Have you considered
Kidnapping her, tying her up and touching her bewbs with your doodar till she agrees to be yours only?
(EvilMeister, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 10:15, closed)

this does work

(Smale is stuffed, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 10:52, closed)

^ this is how i got my wife.

( Another_tragic_case wished he hadn't eaten all the cake, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 11:15, closed)

Build a secret Austrian basement.

(viciousal, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 11:40, closed)

Have you tried sleeping with them?

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 11:42, closed)

MTFO
Man the fuck up - tell her you want her.

She doesn't want some wimpy friend who'll sit and wait for her. She wants a man who will sweep her off her feet and take her.


(mobi I completed the Internet on 'hard'. Twice., Tue 7 Sep 2010, 11:56, closed)

She won't believe him though
once bitten, twice shy an' all that.

He needs to leave her alone and sort his life out to the point where she thinks 'How did I ever let that one go?'
Which is not going to happen any time soon, by the sound of it!
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 13:08, closed)

How does he know?
Someone more intelligent than me once said:
"You will always miss 100% of the shots you dont take"

...He should tell her. At least he will know, no just play out endless scenarios in his head.
(mobi I completed the Internet on 'hard'. Twice., Tue 7 Sep 2010, 18:26, closed)

Y'all got played, playa.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 13:36, closed)

What goes around comes around I'm afraid

(PassTheKhat, Tue 7 Sep 2010, 15:18, closed)

If she was in love with you she wouldn't have gotten over it so quickly. The way I see it is that you were unavailable, damaged goods that she longed to fix = girl heroin. Now she's unavailable she's become irresistible to you. Don't kid yourself that this is love.

You both sound like drama queens who will have far more fun moping around cursing the fates and missed opportunities than you ever will having dull automaton sex whilst looking over each others shoulders for the next "friend" to moon over.

Or perhaps it'll all work out fine and you'll live happily ever after. What the fuck do I know.

p.s. Man the fuck up - if she's a heterosexual lady she'll want some balls attached to her man.
(Brambly Slag is strangely attracted to Steve Buscemi, Wed 8 Sep 2010, 1:35, closed)

HAHAHAH HAHAH HAHAH AHAH
lol
(waxdart hello., Wed 8 Sep 2010, 16:31, closed)

Bird in the hand and all
Instead of cutting your trip short, you should have immediately called her and asked her to come join you. I agree with the others - grow a set and be upfront and honest.

Hell, even tell her that you don;t think you can hang out with her anymore becuase you realized on the trip how much you couldn't stand to be without her, and now you can't stand to see her with another.

This isn't a complaint -- it's a whine of poor vintage.
(ChiTown Guy Dating when 35+: sane, single, attractive - pick 2, Wed 8 Sep 2010, 22:03, closed)