So i was walking down the street
And i saw the cat that always shits on my flower beds....
(Frample Tromwibbler climbs an obstacle like old people fuck, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 22:26, 4 replies)

Karma's a bitch
Dear Jan*

I know you think that you got away with treating me like shit and hitting me when you lost your temper but you didn't.
On the night of the 11th of Jan 2009 when your friend Anna* came down to stay and we all slept in the same bed, She sucked my cock while you slept.

Also on the night of my birthday (which you ruined by going home after punching me) I fucked one of your friends.

Sorry.

Names Changed slightly.
(Margatemug, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 21:49, 7 replies)

sink shit
When I was young (maybe 8) (but old enough to know better) I encouraged my younger sister (maybe 6) to have a pooh in an old potty we found at our grandma's house, then I somehow persuaded her it would be a good idea to tip it into the sink.. before running to tell our grandma what my sister had done and granny wasn't impressed, not at all.
(tom.joad, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 21:44, Reply)

The ex was sent down for nonciness a few years ago. In front of the kids I acted shocked and serious.
But inside, I was laughing. Laughing my TITS off.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 21:39, 6 replies)

jeccius has reminded me
mum, you know when you got wooden flooring fitted in the living room? do you remember how hard it was to get the carpet off the floor from by the telly?
that was me and keith. sorry.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 21:34, 2 replies)

Mam.....
...that stain on the living room curtain was caused by my cock.
( Jeccius Steam Borderlands 2 junkie, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 21:24, 1 reply)

Well...
when I make tea, I use... bags. Also, more often than not I take it with sugar and no milk.

Now I've got this off my back, all my other crimes against humanity seem very insignificant.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 21:18, 2 replies)

I once upset someone on QOTW by making satirical comments about their story.

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 21:15, 14 replies)

This one may haunt me forever.
I live in my house with two of my three grown kids and a friend of my son's who rents out a room from me.

My new wife and I went out of town for a bit over a week. Before I left I fed all of the animals, including the bird. I asked the kids to watch over the place while I was gone.

The night I got home I did a sweep through the house and all seemed pretty much normal. The bird made a quiet chirp as I went through the living room, and I made a mental note to check on her in the morning and pay her some attention.

The next morning I was just getting up when my daughter's voice came from downstairs. "Dad? Come down here. I think the bird's dead."

I raced down to find that the bird had in fact expired in the night. I also found that her food and water dishes were empty. She had died of starvation and thirst in the living room, with the kids right there.

I didn't yell at anyone or place blame. I did, however, weep a lot as I buried her in the back yard. And here comes the confession part- though I've never said anything about it, I could kick seven shades of hell out of the kids for not taking care of her. She was not part of the decor, she was a living being entrusted to my care, who I entrusted to the kids.

I still feel guilt and rage.
( Wanderer, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 20:28, 7 replies)

Dear Dad...
On the day you married your fourth wife, I was designated to stay at her (adoptive) sister's house, because my 'cousin' and I got along so well. I didn't make the church meeting I had the next day, because I'd spent a good portion of the previous night with his cock in me.

Yours sincerely,

Trying to piss you off since 2003

x

p.s. why do you think I, and none of his other 'cousins' is his son's godmother?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Thu 26 Aug 2010, 19:53, 2 replies)

Name changed to protect.
Dear Vance*

About 8 years ago when a few of us had a few drinks in town and I stayed at yours, you let me sleep in your mother's bed as she was on holiday.

When you left for work the next morning I was still sleeping in her bed and I woke up hungover and horny. I am not proud of this (actually I am), I found a pair of your mothers knickers that hadn't been washed. What happened next was the sexiest wank of my life. In one hand was my erect penis, in the other was your mothers unwashed underwear, which I had held up to my nose, with me taking long sniffs of this garment until i reached climax in which I emptied my seed onto your mothers knickers.

After the euphoria died down I had to decide how to disgard of my shame/pride. I put the garment in a plastic bag and and put them into a public bin in the same street you resided on.

I'm so sorry.

*Name slightly changed but only one letter.
(TexasPete enjoyed being sexually molested by your Father on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 19:43, 6 replies)

Speaking of cats and bins...
So there I was, watching TV at home one Sunday and the phone rings.

"Hello Mr Punch," my sister says cheerily, "that's us just landed at Gatwick, are you still OK to pick us up from Aberdeen Airport later on?"

"Er, yes, of course."

Oh fuck. I'd forgotten I said I'd do that. I'd forgotten that she'd gone off on two weeks holiday. And I'd also forgotten...

"How are the cats?"

...that I said I'd look after her three cats.

"Oh, they're, um, fine," I gulped before hanging up and banging my head on the wall a few times.

A rapid drive to her house. Please let them still be alive, please let them still be alive, I repeat like a mantra through the journey.

Thank god, three live cats greet me as I push the back door open. The kitchen and hall show that the cats have scoured the bin / rubbish bags (which I was supposed to put out) for every last morsel of sustenance.

Next, feed and water the cats (they'd drunk two toilets almost dry) and a frantic 2-hour tidy-up of the litter-strewn kitchen and hall.

Give the cats more food. A final check of the house and the cats, and I set off to pick her and her brood up from the airport.

To my eternal credit, I brazened it out and neither she nor the kids were any the wiser. She even commented on how well the cats looked, and how very very very very pleased they were to see the family back. And I got a bottle of something Spanish for my endeavours.

I've done some really terrible things in my time, but for some reason this one still haunts me.
( MisterPunch did it that way on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 19:15, 4 replies)

Does a bear shit in the woods
Oh God the Shame. whyohwhyohwhyohwhy do I become uncontrollable when drunk? I have moderated my drinking a lot over the last few years but not after a number of shamefull experiences. These take place over about 5 years:

I got drunk on Tequila at a work's christmas party. My last memory is getting my cock out in order to convince the work's lesbian that she could go straight. (had to work next day and threw up fluorescent green vomit on the tube)(then had to go to work..I teach!!)

I collapsed, drunk, on Brixton rail station platform at 1am and after a wee snooze thought it would be a good idea to ring 999 to ask them how to get home. Luckely, I then staggered off to the bus stop and got there in time to witness a police car scream round the corner and 2 burly lads race up to the platform. How they never spotted me I dont know..Phew!

Had sexual relations with a relation when drunk...bad..shameful...not going into it..

Collapsed AGAIN on a train station, WITH MY HEAD HANGING OVER THE EDGE OF THE PLATFORM! Again managed to stagger off to a taxi rank before being caught. (it cost me £40 in taxi fare to get home that night!)

Slept all night in the doorway of a bank in the City of London. Woke at dawn. Staggered to Embankment Station (saw a couple fucking in an alley: that was nice) On the way to the station I needed a shit so I had to crap in the bushes on the South Bank. Felt bad man.

The Final Straw: propositioned a Taxi driver. Asked if he'd like a blowjob instead of the fare (I'm Gay). He said 'No', he'd still have to charge. I asked if he'd like the BJ anyway!..He said ok!! (I lost my wallet on the floor of the taxi)(Lost over £100)(...plus any shred of dignity I had left)...God I'm a Slut!

NEVER AGAIN!
( spitsticker is not working on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 18:58, 1 reply)

Two faced bastard
A couple of years ago, the Christmas after I'd just finished university, I was sat on facebook, when I noticed a friend had posted a video, checking it out, I saw that she was stripping, and anouther where she was wanking. Clearly, this wasn't ment to be seen so I text her warning her. She phoned back in floods of tears, tellig me it was her ex, the password was changed and she couldent get rid of it.

Of course, I tried to calm her down, told her it wasn't a big deal, all the usual you'l look back and laugh bollocks. I kept in touch, keeping her spirits up. I told her she was a kind, funny, inteligent and beautiful girl before the videos, and no videos would ever change that. In short, I tried to be a good friend.

"But mong goose!" I hear you cry, "Whats sinful about that?" The sin is that I googled for a program that downloaded videos from facebook, kept the videos and masterbated regularly to the image of her wiggling her bare arse at the camera. I only removed it after telling my mates and having a mate's girlfriend tell me it was the creepiest thing she ever heard. It's the one sin I truly regret.
(Mong goose, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 18:42, 3 replies)

I can't contain the shame any longer...
I put a cat in a bin.

(What? It's just a cat)
(chuckle_h0und You furnish the pictures, I'll furnish the war, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:52, 4 replies)

I've
Played guitar for years, playing in *real* bands that play *real* music, but just the other night, I just got Lada Gaga's album and.....I listened to it.

...and have just come to the conclusion that she's a musical talent to be reckoned with!

Bloody loved it.
(dchurch bah, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:49, 9 replies)

We used to have a hamster, when I was around 6 or 7
She was an albino, so we named her Snowy. Lovely creature, calm and placid, happy to run the day away in her little wheel. Would even eat sunflower seeds out of your hand.

She had one of those plastic ball things to run around the house with - if I concentrate, I can still hear the "bump....bump.....bump" as she careened around the room, bumping into everything like a tiny rodent dodgem driver.

One fateful day, I had a friend over, and we were sat in the hall playing lego. My Mum had nipped out to the garden to do the weeding, leaving us to our own devices. Snowy was happily bump bump bumping away, when she ran into the back of my friend's legs. Shocked, he went to turn round, and accidentally kicked the ball. It went spinning off and rebounded off the wall, Snowy rattling around inside.

We looked at each other, and an evil grin spread across our tiny faces. We had found a new game, one that makes me ashamed to even type it. Yes, we played 'Hamster Football.' It genuinely makes me wince to think about it - this beautiful, innocent wee creature, happily scurrying away inside it's little ball, suddenly being thrown around like an epileptic in a washing machine. At one point, we even rolled it down the stairs. Oh, the complete and utter shame I feel.

What makes this into a true confession, and secures my place in Hell, is the fact that Snowy died 3 days later, while hemorrhaging blood from her little anus. I killed that Hamster, and her death weighs heavy on my conscience even now. Snowy, if you're up there, I hope you can forgive me.
(Godwin's Lawyer is more evil than Hitler, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:36, 16 replies)

First!
I am so ashamed.

sometimes I lie about my b3ta posting position
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:32, 2 replies)

Oops...
Way back when (i.e. pre-Mr. Anodyne times), I had a good mate, R. Things had always been a bit funny with us, we would date for a couple of weeks, then go back to being friends for a few months, then date again. However, on one of the times when we weren't dating, I went to a party at his, and met his friend P.

Fuelled by booze and oh, about half an hour of "accidentally" brushing against each other, P and I end up on the upstairs landing, pulling at each other's clothes like there's no tomorrow. Only one problem - we need to fuck now, before one of us accidentally sobers up or something, but where to go? R's room? Nah, that's probably disrespectful or something, given that I've already shagged him in there... his parent's room on the other hand, well, that's not disrespectful at all, right?

So after spending all night holed up in there going at it like the clappers, I woke up after a couple of hours sleep to find that unbeknownst to me, at some point the night before I'd come on my period. There was blood everywhere. Everywhere. I woke up P. Apparently he knew what had happened and thought it was "hot". So, after much discussion (and several more orgasms - don't look at me like that, the sheet was already a goner), we ran downstairs and legged it without telling R what had happened.

Thankfully, he managed to find the scene of devastation we had left and get it cleaned up before his parents came home, and because he is the least confrontational person on the planet, never even fell out with either of us (the man is a saint).

I am now hit with the sudden urge to buy him a rather large box of chocolates, all these years later. But not before I go for a lie down, I seem to have come over all flustered...
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:28, 1 reply)

Does extreme annoyance count as Wrath?
Alright, I confess. I hate the fact that two members of my family are morbidly obese.

They each weigh far more than 400 lbs, or 180 kg for the metric users. My sister used to be a beautiful girl, the prettiest I knew, and now she looks like a giant waddling egg. People hate her for it, and even I don't like looking at her sometimes. Also, the whole subject is taboo under my roof. My father, my brother and I can never say what is obvious for fear of "hurting their feelings".

Like, I can never say that the reason they're sweating like pigs on a 70 degree day (21 degrees celsius) is because they're carrying a whole extra person's worth of weight on them. We all just live with the a/c turned on to its greatest capacity. I spend my summers wearing long pants and sleeves just to survive in my own house. Sometimes, I wind up camping out in the back yard just so that I can be comfortable enough to sleep. Dad just puts on sweaters and ignores the matter, and my brother spends as much time away from home as possible.

When we go places as a family, we all have to walk at a snail's pace or we're "rudely running ahead" and "ignoring the family". Also, on trips a food break needs to be scheduled every couple of hours or mom and sister complain. Recently, we all took a small vacation and had to all share a hotel room. Mom and dad got one bed, sister and I shared another, and brother got a sleeping bag on the floor. The heat of the day and the gargantuan amount my sister sweats made her stink so bad I could barely breathe.

I took a stand and forced her out of bed to go take a shower. I was demonized and yelled at by the whole family for doing so. I also got yelled at and demonized for suggesting that the reason my sister is having so much trouble finding work is because of her weight. Why else would she, being very qualified, get so many interviews and then not have anybody call her back afterwards? Cue something like an hour of my sister crying her eyes out and the family glaring at me. I haven't suggested to her yet that the reason why she can't wear high heels anymore is because her ankles just aren't physically capable of holding that kind of weight anymore. I'm sure I'll get vilified for that as well.

I'm sure I sound petty saying all this, but it's the little things that get to me. Like, the fact that that when the phone rings neither of them will answer it. They just give me, dad, or my brother a guilty look and just sit there. Whenever I suggest to them that they might want to come for a walk with me, they come up with some excuse why they can't walk the 1/4 mile (less than 1/2 km) circuit I take the dog out on.

The thing is, it's not just me being petty anymore. It's starting to have huge impacts on their health.

My mother fell down in the yard, and could not stand up afterwards. She laid out on the ground for 30 minutes before dad noticed and rescued her. She's only middle aged. That shouldn't happen yet!

My sister's joints creak and crack like an old woman's, causing her sometimes hideous pain. I've seen her cry about the pain in her back just from walking around the house.

The tremendous amount of work my sister's heart has to do to pump blood through all her massive bulk makes her get very tired (like falling asleep wherever she's sitting) at seemingly random times. This narcolepsy has happened behind the wheel of the car before. Fortunately she didn't get hurt, but the car got really banged up. She also has to literally wedge herself into the driver's seat of the commuter car we share. The extremely tight fit makes it impossible for her to check her blind spots and move the wheel effectively. It catches on her thighs. Every time she drives me somewhere, I fear for my life.

My sister has, as recent testing has proven, also given herself type 2 diabetes. This puts her at high risk for kidney failure, strokes, and heart attacks. She's only 24.

One night, I had stayed up late to work on a project and was just heading to bed when I saw my sister in the kitchen. She was sitting at the table, sleepily eating cheese and crackers. It was obvious she had been asleep and had woken up for a midnight snack. She compulsively ate through an entire block of cheese by herself.

As I watched her, I wanted to scream, cry, and vomit all at once.

You must understand, my sister is the most important person in my life. I love her more than anything.

And I just have to sit on my hands while she slowly kills herself.



I don't know how much more I can take, or how much time she has.
(Audienda, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:26, 23 replies)

Accidental animal death
I'm an animal lover. No, not like that, filthtards. Just that I get overly sentimental by cute and fluffy things...

...so I'm still very ashamed of the day I kicked a squirrel up the bum, causing it to run in fear onto the road where it got flattened so badly by a bus that I saw squirrel parts squish out of it in a horrible arc/spray as the tyre went over it.

/shame
( rofl harris, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:22, 3 replies)

Baby monitors..
Ah. Well, it was like this you see... I lived in a little terraced house, in an area popular with young families. When the baby Ott3r arrived, amidst a storm of primary coloured plastic and weird things that I still haven't worked out the use of, we bought a baby monitor. It turns out that there are only so many frequencies, and after rushing upstairs to calm the cries of mysteriously sleeping baby on a couple of occasions, we figured out that someone was using OUR frequency. Well, something had to be done. So, in the wee small hours of the morning... I picked up the "transmit" bit of the baby monitor, and started speaking into it....

And so it was that a house a few doors up the street suddenly lit up as the lights were switched on, and (I can only imagine) the concerned parents rushed to baby's room to find the source of a creepy babylike voice that was repeating the words "Satan is my Maaaaaster, Satan is my Maaaaaster.."

I'm not proud.
(Ott3r, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:22, 16 replies)

I am ashamed to say
That I used to go to the zoo and get behind little kids in the primate house and aggravate the monkeys. They'd go apeshit, pun intended, the kids would get the blame, get whalloped, and I'd laugh my skinny ass off. I stopped doing it when I was politely informed the security cameras saw my every move.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:16, Reply)

Chickenlady's Seven Deadly Sins #1 LUST
This is also going to cover #4 SLOTH as it's an old, old pearoast but I'm guessing that as it dates back a couple of years or more there will be plenty of people who haven't seen it....

Sometime A few years ago I went on a date with a very nice chap. It was our first date...although we had known one another for a short while and had become good friends. We went for a meal in a country pub...where I had three glasses of wine...those of you who know me will know that three glasses are my limit.

So, just before we're leaving I get up to go to the loo. He asks why I agreed to go on a date with him...as I stand up and walk away (swaying slightly in my high heels) I whisper in his ear, "Because you're hot"
Of course I think this is just the sexiest thing possible I can say even if it is slightly slurred...and off I stagger to the loo.

We get in his car and drive down the road...we come to a t-junction and he turns to me and says..."Your place or mine?" Yes, sometimes clichés do work! I started to laugh, mainly because I didn't think anyone ever really said this. However, being the lady I am I declined to go back to his place - first date and all that. It was better if he just dropped me home. Keep to the third date rule!

See - I'm not desperate...


Then the wine kicked in, big time.

Inhibitions swept away...him looking at me with those big brown eyes and cheeky grin. My skirt seemed to be sliding higher and higher. Before I know it I'm running my tongue over my fingertip, sucking it and then trailing it down my collarbone...my breathing ragged.
Calm down at the back there
"No, turn right here..then left...and pull into the woods"

He drives in...stops the car in the corner of the car park and in the blink of an eye we're on each other like ravenous woodland creatures - badgers maybe, or perhaps foxes, not hedgehogs though.

Shirt buttons popping, hair pulling, hands roughly exploring, delicate lacy underwear quickly discarded and one of the most hot first dates I'd ever had. DISCLAIMER : up until then - of course there has been a better once since then. Ahem.

So we're going at it like a train, but in a car of course. All the grunts and oohs and aahs and sweat and goodness me, is it hot in here?
Until.... while sitting astride him I managed to slam my bare arse into the car horn.

We start giggling....

Then we notice the other cars in the woodland car park.
The other cars are flashing their headlights at us.
We are still for a few moments...the lights go off and we decide to continue...so desperate are we both to finish.

The point of no return arrives...Headlights appear again on full beam lighting us both up in all our frenzied glory.

Then darkness and the sound of cars being driven away.

Safe.

He gets out of the car to 'adjust' his clothing ....the interior light comes on and is matched by another one in a car only a few feet away....
"Want some help mate?"


And at that moment my entire life flashed before me....

I knew the voice....and it wasn't that of my date.


I had spoken to him once or twice on the phone and plenty of times in the pub...where he's the barman.

I don't go in there anymore.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:14, 2 replies)

Dear ex husband ...
That tatty tartan scarf that that Scottish bitch you were cheating on me with bought you ? You didn't lose it like you thought.
I stole it from inside your coat and burned it on the open fire in our lounge.
And no, under the circumstances I am not in the least bit sorry.
(womanwhocanonlylivewithdogs, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:05, 3 replies)

My parents are 1st cousins.
The discussion of inbreeding within mice used for the purposes of experimentation was the topic for biology that day. Suddenly the conversation changed when a bright spark then declared anyone who was born to first cousins were instantly retarded. Im sitting there biting my tongue getting more uptight as the biology teacher practically agrees. Out of sheer annoyance I stuck up my hand and told the class that my parents were infact cousins and being in top set for all classes was surely evidence I wasn't an instant tard. Instantly the whole school knew and I was called disgusting with people daring their friends to ask if it was true expecting me to back down. I didnt. And I never will. Im pretty proud of my parents, my dad left Canada to be with my mum, My mum lost her parents for 15 years (and I didnt meet them until I was 6) due to the shame bought on the family etc etc.

And no, Im not from Norwich. Nor am I a british muslim..
(50% marry 1st cousins!! supposedly).

Im also happy to say I have the correct amount of fingers and toes and suppopsedly above average IQ (but seriously lacking common sense!)

bring on the insults ;)
(MissFlee tried again on, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:03, 13 replies)

do the sausage dance
when my brother and i weren't trying to kill each other, we were generally causing trouble for our sisters or parents. occasionally, we got along fine.
one such time, my brother's friend was staying with us. he was always good for a laugh was stephen, up for anything, although he did have the odd habit of referring to me as nurse bradley. mum was out and we were waiting for dad to get home from work.
as stephen and i were watching telly, my brother suddenly burst into the room, shouting "look at my willy!"
we looked. he had his jeans unzipped, with a raw sausage hanging out. he danced about the room, waggling his sausage at us, rubbing it on himself and making a 12-year-old's idea of sex noises. after ten minutes, we were all exhausted. stephen and me from laughing, my brother from cavorting around the room doing his sausage dance.

and the confession? dad, we should have told you before you ate that sausage, but we were far too busy laughing.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 17:00, Reply)

Sorry Sis.
To my sister.

Do you remember running screaming out of your room many years ago?
Sorry, it was me, hiding under your bed, who waited till the lights went out and started scratching at the boards underneath. It was my hand in that sock which grabbed yours as you bravely reached down.

Do you remember your radio you couldn't turn off, or it would turn on in the middle of the night playing dreadful songs? Or weird ghostly voices talking to you and answering your questions?
Sorry, that was also me, after taking a lot of time running speaker cable under the carpet from one end of the house to the other, who attached those wires to your stereo system and could control what you listened to.

BUT


You probably don't remember that time you were tripping your nuts off and went all prang about some bloke following you?
It was me who came out in the middle of the night and drove like a loon to save you. Let alone making up all kinds of excuses to hide your 'ahem' MASSIVE DRUGS.

You were too young to remember when you fell in the pond and I was just big enough to hold your head above the water long enough to stop you drowning.

Funny how things balance out isn't it?

Love, big bruv.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Thu 26 Aug 2010, 16:53, 9 replies)