Not a council story
But plenty others have deviated.
Just a quickie about Lloyds bank. I went to open a student account. As I was a stundent. I couldn't open it as I didn't own a house. Wha'? How many students own their own house?? Stupid.
(Beauty School Drop-out, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 18:41, Reply)

EU rules
bit off-topic but made me laugh.

The EU were gona bring in a law that dictates for 5 miles around every SSSI (Site of Special Scientific Interest, basically a rare bird takes a shit somewhere and everyone creams themselves about how the site is special and must be protected) no new buildings can be errected. You can bet your ass there are thousands of SSSI's in the UK alone, especialy in and around cities. This would completely fuck any plan for new buildings. Apparantly it got thrown out, but shows the sheer stupidity of the tards at the EU.

This QOTW is awsome, but really makes me want to leave this shithole of an island! ha!
(Lexachu A buh? no, not a buh, a bomb!, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 18:31, Reply)

Tourism Chief or Prince of Darkness?
Another Southport related thing.
Its a sea side town so image is everything ok.
So why did they employ the bastard child of Nosferatu and Uncle Fester as the (former) Tourism Chief?

I worked in the towns entertainment hall and often saw him rat arsed and mine sweeping drinks.

He could scare children at 5 paces..
Bless him, he supposedly booked Motorhead to play at the FLoral Hall (council run venue)
thinking they where a Reggae band... how wrong he was, good for me though! We wrecked the front chairs to make a mosh pit!
(middenface Toss my salad, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 17:57, Reply)

RE: Child Tax Credit
I actually get..wait for it... £4 child tax credit a month.
Why? Because when we applied for it, I'd been out of work for 6 months or so the previous year (what can I say? I was picky about what I wanted to do for a job, I really didn't want to go work at tesco's or something crud like that in the meantime) anyway..
Due to this when we applied, despite me sending in various wage slips from the job I had (and still have now actually) they still worked out what we should be paid from the previous year.

So we got a nice lump sum of about £4000 (close to it but not the exact amount and I am not gonna dig out the paperwork to check!) and the maximum amount of tax credits per week for the year.
next year they went 'Oh we've overpaid you by about £2000'
SO they deduct it from what I would get...so I get £4 a month or so haha

-edit, I gotta say, I am really liking this QOTW it makes for good reading :)

--doubleedit and as My relationship is on very rocky ground, and a split is very much on the cards, I dread to think what will happen then..will they want the rest of the £2000 back right away? after all with the small amount they take only about £150 of it so far has been paid off......
(asmodean had too much christmas spirit on.., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 17:49, Reply)

Not councils...
..just banks. Not relevant so won't go into details but to sum up:

135 mins over the last 2 days spent on hold + a 10 minute conversation this afternoon to find out that the last time i spoke to them the phone monkey basically lied to me and i can actually only do what i want to by going into my branch = me loudly calling them a bunch of cunts down the phone and getting told off by my director.

I love Abbey.

Sorry needed to vent.
(Milo Minderbinder, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 17:41, Reply)

Tweebianmonkey Re: Nice council
Of course they were nice;

- Cost of settling for damage to wall, £not much
- Cost if wall fell on a toddler and turned them into a window licker, £LOTS & LOTS & LOTS
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 17:31, Reply)

Nice Council Peeps
About a month ago I was annoying one of the cats on the front wall back at my parents house.
"Wassat?" says I, noticing the wall has been knocked off it's base slightly, "S'been twated, that has."
"Oh, there was a man mowing with one of they big mowers earlier, perhaps he did it." says Mother Tweeb.
Council are phoned. "Ah yes, we had a report put in about that yesterday."

Council send man out to assess. Parents call builders for quotes. Yesterday a cheque arrives. Wall shall be finished next week.

South Gloucestershire County Council are nice, it appears.

edit: Perhaps, Golddust, perhaps. But the wall is about only 2 & a half feet high and if it were to fall over, it would be onto our drive. And like as not we'd get sued, not them. It's ours innit?
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 16:26, Reply)

mate o mine at work had this
Outside this guy's house was a tree that the council decided to take down (without asking, of course)
In doing the work to take it down, they break part of my mate's front wall.
He writes to them asking for some compensation for breaking the wall.
They write back, in their trademark haughty tone, saying that the wall breaking was not their fault. The roots of the tree caused the wall to break. The tree that the council are in charge of.

A few letters later, and matie boy holds in his hands about two grand from the council. He and his uncle did the repairwork themselves, so he pocketed all the cash. Result!
(tarbin tarbis, tarbit, tarbamus, tarbimus, tarbant, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 16:01, Reply)

Le Brian
Just to let you know that vehicle road tax is supposed to pay for the upkeep and expansion of our road system not council tax. That is unless you're in Sheffield where the council like spending council tax money putting speed bumps where they are not wanted or needed.
As for Schools they are supposed to be subsidised by the income tax that we all pay when we work.
True the fire brigade do a good job but you try getting a copper out to a burglary. They are all out nicking speeding motorists and other soft targets
This of course fails to take into account all the VAT we pay on almost everything as well as the enormous rate of tax on fuel booze and fags. We are one of the most over taxed nations in the world and in my opinion the service we get for this money is piss poor
(andythepieman Is surfing the waves of indifference on, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 15:06, Reply)

I've mentioned a few times
that I work at a local council. Within a couple of months of starting here my marriage fell apart and I was distraught. So, I did what any self-respecting man would do and somehow managed to sleep with as many of my female colleagues (just the under-40s mind) as I could.
Most of whom promptly left.

So I guess it's fair to say I've seen my fair share of council cunts.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 14:59, Reply)

Building regulations
We have just finished converting ( by ourselves) our upstairs room into a mezanine double- room type thing, and hence needed everything signed off by the building regs guys. This involves an awful lot of hypocrisy. By law, all replacement windows have to be double glazed to save on heat loss. However, if you live in a conservation area as we do, all replacement windows have to be single glazed original sash. Both laws apply.
Stairs have to have the vertical bit between steps filled so that there is less than a 10cm gap, as " a child could get their head stuck". I hate children. This is my personal bedroom. I also can't have horizontal bars going up to the banister as "a child could use them as a ladder". However, by law, I have to have an escape window 2ft off the ground that I am not allowed to fit a lock to in case of fire. This is the same window I found my neighbours' 3 year old child leaning out of holding my dog, when he was left unattended for 10 mins in our house.
Cnts cnts cnts cnts cnts
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 14:53, Reply)

Pointless Roadworks
As seen* in the local rag

"Dear Editior of the EDP

Why the f**k are the council putting "traffic" slowing measures on Unthank Road - this will delay my journey to work as I normally travel at 60mph through this busy area. As a wanker who drives a BMW I am aware that other traffic is kept down to 20mph but see no reason to follow suit myself.

Regards

A.Cunt"


* well expected to be seen
(Biff..., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 14:47, Reply)

England
Englands ruling classes are shit. We pay fuck loads of taxes for which we get fuck all back in return. From the upper echelons of parliament to the lower levels of local government this country has been ruled (dictated?) by fucktards for over 10years; by labour bending over and taking it up the arse from the EU and America through to local councils bending over for a bit of deep penetration from large scale companies in exchange for promises of local employment and support of local communities. In reality ,and certainly in the case of groups like Tescos, this leads to the closure of local traders thereby reducing the options available to the locals for getting the goods they need. I can think of at least 10 towns near me where this has happened and I'm sure plenty of other readers can as well. And why does it happen? Generally because WE elected these cunts in to power in the 1st place! Even if you didn't vote you're just as guilty by way of not voting!

On a national level we have lax border controls, a NHS in dire straits, we are made to feel shame in expressing any form of national pride, underfunded schools, an army in crisis, threat of terrorism even worse than that posed by the IRA, and millions of £s a day being paid to the EU which could be much better spent on our needs and our interests. At least Labour didn't sign us up for the Euro (yet!)!!! I won't even bother with the justice system.

Local councils: twice weekly rubbish collections (not in my area yet), a virtually powerless police force, shite locals services (especially in my area), rising crime rates, extortionate council tax, lack of support for local businesses...in fact a virtual lack of support altogether for the communitys that they are supposed to support!!!!!!!

I love England, its a great little country but lets face facts.....its pretty fucked up and the only people who can seriously change things are us; the population; the voters.

Council cunts? How about a whole government of cunts!!!!!

*rant over, going back to work*
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 14:47, Reply)

Tesco V Council
In Gerrards Cross, Tesco wanted to build a store over the railway line (involved building a tunnel).

Everyone complained and said they didn't need one - there's a supermarket within a couple of miles in every direction.

The councils planning department bent over, puckered up and let Tesco ride them.

Tesco start building tunnel. Tunnel promptly collapses on the train track, where it remained for several months making commuters like me have to get a shitty bus replacement service every day. It may make me sound middle class, but buses are for povs.

Tesco say sorry and clean it up, then have some consultations and guess what the council do?

Bend over, pucker up and let Tesco screw them even harder, then carry on building.

I wonder if it's the council (South Bucks) being scared of Tesco, or whether there's some councillors wandering around with bags of money and new villas in Spain.

Boring I know but it enraged me.
(mejt, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 14:14, Reply)

Thy council .....
.....is shit, nuf' said really ....

Sorry for lenghth, im currently suffering from writers constipation...
(FATSHARK smokey flange, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 13:28, Reply)

Sad to say it but...
i deal with about 2000 suppliers a year, some of whom i spend over 5 million with.

Customer services at most of them are just incompetent un-thinking half wits whom if their script doesn't fit what you are saying - English first language staff or not - then you are out of luck. Its not just "small guys" whom get shoddy treatment. even the threat of moving a few hundred grand of business elsewhere doens't motivate the muppets at the coalface to do what is asked - no more, no less.

I had a great one, with HSf*ckingBC. (whom spunk money on sponsoring Heartbeat and most of Heathrow Airport) They wouldn't give me a real switch card - i had solo and had to get cash out before going to the shops as most places didn't take it. I "didn't meet the criteria" - so i asked what they were.
"i'll get my manager" - 10 minutes on hold "you do not meet the criteria my manager said"
"What criteria? You have to make those clear under banking regulations. Also, you lent me 160k for my mortgage, have 10k on HSBC gold VISA, in fact have every other product with you as good customers. What criteria did i fail now that meant i could have over 150k of borrowings with you"
"my manager will ring you"
no phone call, then a letter repeating the very same phrase next day.

Needless to say i threatened them with moving my account which earnt them a fortune in interest - and bingo, 10 days later a switch card arrived.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 12:44, Reply)

RE: Vipros

Judge Pooflake...a humble 'bored-out-of-his-nads' I.T guy and B3tan by day, but by night goes round shooting seven bells of ass-juice out of the cretinous cock-itches that pollute our society.

...oh, and i'll also empty your bins for a modest fee

"The crime is life, the sentence is death!...I AM THE LAW!!" etc etc

I LIKE IT! - to top it all, I think I've also got the shoulders for the uniform!

Get in there!
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 12:28, Reply)

From the horses mouth
I do work for a council. Not saying which one, as there's currently a big old hoo ha going on concerning breach of electronic communications policy, or other such nonsense. Anyway, here's some arsebiscuits of joy to show you what fun it all is.

- I sent a message out telling everyone to not email a certain village library, as the laptop was broken. "It's probably down Dixons as we speak, being prodded by a man with a beard", I says, trying to show some of that dreaded personality that local government hates so much. Sure thing, 30 minutes later I get a call from Systems. "Can we just check you didn't send the laptop to Dixons, as this is breach of policy".

- Charging a visiting group of managers 5p for a mug of coffee.

- Not banning convicted paedophiles from this premises, nor for that matter raging alcoholics, ASBOS, perverts and 2 gentleman who have been caught wanking in public, because "banning people sends out a negative message".

- Despite having a no smoking policy, we have no "No Smoking" signs, as it is "negative".

- Telling cleaners to only hoover the building once a month, to save on time.

- Having one of my promotional posters taken down, because the colours I used "weren't allowed".

- Not being allowed to throw out a 3rd William Wankoff because "I didn't confront him while he was doing it, and so it would be my word against his".

Still, the pension plan ain't bad.
(59674, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 12:25, Reply)

More on the NYC council
Was thinking about this. A couple of months ago, the City council votes on some street name changes (most of the time for someone who was noted in a particular area or a cop who lived there who died in the line of duty etc). One of these street names, I forget whom, was to be named for a Radical Black Panther from the 60s who I believe was either a murderer or did time for attempted murder. Well the speaker of the Council, Christine Quinn, blocks it and says no, and so does another councilman. Well the chief aide of another councilman, Charles Barron (councilman, not the aide) said to the effect that the person who blocked the streetnaming should be assasinated. Folks, this is just a little too much, especially since about 4 years ago, a councilman named James Davis WAS assasinated in CITY HALL! In most other places and cities, that threat enough would be reasons for expulsion not to mention some sort of legal action. What happened here? So far nothing. Keep tuned.
(Subway Riding the rails underground, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 12:21, Reply)

CPS
my old man has just retired from said crappy organisation and he couldn't be happier.

it's so badly run, under-funded and under-staffed that probably 60% of the cases get thrown out of court for being under prepared

doesn't it just make you feel good to know that justice is being done?

if you ask me, what we need are judge dredd style law enforcement officials.
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 12:13, Reply)

Twice?

I'm embarrased now...when I said 30 seconds I included undressing, redressing and the 'cuddle' afterwards (I am a sensitive stud-muffin you know who cares about the feelings of the gir.... blah blah)

Councils, CPS, Royal Mail, NTL (Now Virgin Media) Every I.T supplier in the known universe and contractors who I actually WANT TO GIVE MONEY TO.

Is there one company that is run professionally and managed efficiently, within budgets and to accurate schedules?

Answers on a postcard to:

"I won't hold my breath because there fucking isn't" competition,
P.O Box Whatever
Cov.

I'll judge the entries on the condition that any that are posted actually arrive.
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 12:01, Reply)

at £200 per hour
£0.50p will buy you 400th of an hour.

wow, are we going to do it twice?!

royal mail. they are similar to a council. can anyone explain to me how the idiots who are on strike think that driving their employer into the ground as everyone realises there are other alternatives and gets pissed off with them is going to help them stay employed or earn more money?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 11:47, Reply)

Replies...
Golddust and menasham:

4 pissed up teenagers who can't be arsed to leg it after trashing your car and getting picked up nearby...what a victory for investigative policing!... I can't agree with you more though - the CPS - what a veritable gaggle of beef-curtains

rachelswipe:

Fiesty and worth a few bob...mmm. Could I give the sexual favours then pay the £199.50 for the rest of the hour?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Wed 1 Aug 2007, 11:42, Reply)

i thought
CPS stood for the Criminals' Protection Society?
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 10:57, Reply)

Not the council, but...
...I do work for a very large, publicly funded organisation.

They have just spunked millions on a shiny new database system - and it's truly awful. It looks like it's been cobbled together by a blind five year old, and they've given no thought whatsoever to the end user. It's inconsistant, un-ergonomic and extremely unstable.

I am not a programmer, but if I were, I would be too ashamed to submit such a shoddy piece of shit!

It makes me very angry and want to scratch my eyes out.

Your tax money at work ladies and gentlemen.
(jimi.vicious regrets criticising the American electoral system!, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 10:56, Reply)

Dirty Protest
Back in the day, before I lived in a City that is somewhere approaching a civilised society (where, touch wood, the council have been pretty good so far… But that could change, as my new flat does need a Wheelie Bin…), I live in Wakefield and as such was at the mercy of Wakefield Metropolitan District Council (hereafter referred to as ‘Cunts’).

Not only that, I was also at the mercy of my landlord who, after approximately 0.1 seconds of me moving in, decided that he was going to convert the cellar. Joy.

As a result of the ongoing building work (he was doing it with a couple of his mates, and I was beginning to seriously doubt the structural integrity of the house), our erstwhile lovely garden had been turned in to a little mini-tip all of our very own. Bricks, glass, lino, tiles, carpet, pipe, flex – you name it, it was there. At the bottom of the garden stood two wheelie bins, which were meant to provide for the rubbish needs of 6 people.

Now then. The Cunts send ‘round some men (or Goblins, I can never be sure) in yellow coats and a big van once a week to empty the wheelie bins. However, the Cunts have deemed thus to the Goblins: “If the bin’s lid is open by even an inch, the bins is too full and you may not collect it.”

Herein lies the problem, fans. The builders were using our bins too, so on one week our bin lids were open by a fraction. And the bin men did not collect our rubbish.

Frantic calls to the Cunts were made. Threats may have been issued. Strong words were definitely exchanged. Eventually, an agreement was made that they would put a note out that our rubbish could be picked up the following week.

Which is wasn’t. Evidently the note didn’t make it, or the bin men didn’t read it – which, frankly, I can’t entirely rule out. The (now festering rubbish) was not collected for three further weeks, and enough was eventually enough.

A plan was hatched. A van was borrowed.

In the dead of night, my housemates and I dressed in black, loaded the van with the bags of refuse, and drove up to the Cunt’s offices at about 2am. Ninja-like, we leapt out of the van, and unloaded the rubbish on to their front doorstep. We also left a note, saying “Dear Cunts. This is no longer our problem. Please dispose of this as you will.”

It sounds amazingly brave and stick it to the man-ish… But we moved out of the house 2 days later and I came to London.

So that’s the story of my one and only dirty protest…
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 10:54, Reply)

Birmingham City Council
We used to have bags to leave our paper out for collection for recycling. This was fine until they were emptied and blew away, never to be seen again. I was on my third bag when the council introduced green (for plastic and metal cans) and blue plastic (for paper and card).

This led to a case of good bin man / bad bin man.

Last Sunday night, despite putting both the green and blue boxes for collection Monday morning, I forgot to put my bin bag out. However, I awoke on Monday to find one of their number had taken my bin bag out of the bin and away for collection. Great, thanks binnie!

I then also find they've emptied my green box, not emptied my blue box and left me another empty blue box. Not so great.

Mindless goons.
( abefroman skating on the thin life of modern life on, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 10:46, Reply)

Ahhh
But that wasn't the Police, that was the CPS. Fucking CPS all need shot. No explanation needed, or given.
(menashem, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 10:46, Reply)

Mr Pooflake re: the police
You said: "Anyone had a real 'crime' solved recently and satisfactorily by the police?"

Yes!
Check this out.
After some bunch of 4 drunk 15 year old terrorist types vandalised my car I called the police and they were picked up nearby.

Imagine my joy when having had the damage to my car assessed by 2 repairers at £1050 and £1100 it went to court where the CPS decided to let 3 off before and only prosecute 1 of them and the little scrote already had loads of previous offences.

So despite 2 estimates to the contrary the CPS (obviously brilliant crash repairers) decided there was only £700 of damage to my car (WTF?!). So understandably the vandal was ordered to pay me £200 in damages... at a rate of about 50p per week. So after 3 years I'd recieved the grand sum of £78 and then he stopped paying. I moved house and didn't bother to chase further.

So don't tell me the police don't do their jobs!? Just look at the success in my case! Pfft.

Incidentally, damage to car was so great I sold it for £250. A mere loss of £1200.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 10:22, Reply)

hourly rate = £200.00
but i do accept payment in sexual favours.

just not from any uxbridge clients, ta.

to put this back on topic: my brother is the headmaster of a state school over in essex. they worked their bollocks off to stay in budget all year, and were the only school in the area to have a black bank account by the end of it. some of them were hundreds of thousands of pounds in the red.

and what did the council do?

wrote off all their debts and cut my brother's budget for the following year. what a shower of useless cunts.

because naturally the public purse is a bottomless pit and the other heads shouldn't be penalised for poor financial management when it is such a critical part of their jobs... gah.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 1 Aug 2007, 10:03, Reply)