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This is a question Desperate Times

Stranded in a hotel in an African war zone with no internet access for two weeks, I was forced to resort to desperate measures. Possessing only my passport and the clothes I stood up in; and the warning "You can catch it shaking hands with a vicar out there" ringing in my ears, I had to draw my own porn in order to preserve my sanity.

Alas, it all came out looking like Coronation Street's Audrey Roberts, but, as they say, any port in a storm.

What have you done in times of great desperation?

(, Thu 15 Nov 2007, 10:10)
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I Shagged A Cushion Once....
i wont go into detail, but with enough lube.... anything is shaggable

(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 14:56, 29 replies)
does that

jo brand?
dawn french?
delia smith?
cherie blair?
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:01, closed)
*Passes Tweedle a thimble and sniggers*
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:14, closed)
Dawn French is shaggable - she's lovely.
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:15, closed)
Dawn French
My sister has a cat which reminds me of Dawn French - a friendly sort with an attractive face, but grossly overweight!

The grey fur is a bit of a distinguishing feature, mind you.
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:18, closed)
delia smith
looks like a goer.
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:25, closed)
Shame were not all thin and fit like you, eh!
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:28, closed)
dawn french
i agree she's got a gorgeous face, but i was asking a bloke for a bloke's perspective... sadly there aren't many who will look beneath the meat on her lovely bone structure!
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:28, closed)
Does that include?
yes, just
yes, just
yes by all means, and
not under any imaginable circumstances...
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:28, closed)
Point of order BGB
I didn't say I didn't find her attractive. Just that she's grossly overweight, which she is.

Actually, I'm a reformed fatty. I spent far too long being overweight and eventually got fed up with it, so I lost nearly 3 stones the year I turned 30.

Nowadays I just swim a bit and eat less than I used to, hence my current slim-fitness. Or is that slim-fitness?
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:35, closed)
It's their loss!
The wonderful ladies out there passed by because of a bit of meat on their bones.

No! me, I'm not bitter.
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:37, closed)
To be honest
I wouldn't on any of the 4 provided sorry

But then i would also rather chew my legs off than copulate with

Paris "virus" Hilton
The other one who is a jordan Clone only worsererer.er-er.
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:39, closed)
I read that as I shagged a cousin once
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:43, closed)
you mean
jodi marsh?

she is truly rancid.
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:45, closed)
Doesn't boffin Jordan count as shagging a cartoon character?

Upon reflection, I think I would rather chew off my own leg...
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:48, closed)
jodie marsh is indeed rancid
her face is fugly and she's as thick as exceptionally thick pigshit

I think jordan at least knows she's a dirty, no-good slapper. I respect that.

and I agree with frank; delia looks like she goes.
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:56, closed)
Have you seen the glint in her eye as she brandishes a cucumber? I have, and it's pure Filth.

Love it!! =)
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 15:57, closed)
Delia is a norwich girl
So was probably broken in by the family anyway, would be up for anything.

jodie marsh thats the one, one of the only people in the world that makes sleeping with a blow-up doll, in public, a less embarrassing proposition
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 16:00, closed)
Jo Brand and Dawn French...

...are the types I would happily go for a beer with, but would struggle to introduce to 'lil pooflake'. Yes I am THAT superficial – but with substance. Read on.

Delia = she might have the glint and be good with implements but it looks like the Queen mother left her the teeth in the will - no

Cherie Blair = Although she looks like the only one with the mouth capable of taking me on, there is not enough lube, money, Royhpnol or hessian sacks in the world. No is not a big enough word. Nooooooooooooooooooooooo

Jordan = no
Jody Marsh = for the love of fucking hook-nosed christ on a bastard bike - no
Paris Hilton = no
All the Paris Clones = no no (that’s ‘no’ with a clone of ‘no’)

I even saw Jessica Alba in that 'Good Luck Chuck' movie and thought 'She’s not all that hot. In fact, she's more like what a woman thinks an attractive woman should look like as opposed to what a man thinks'...so no.

Julia Roberts = as above…and no

Angelina Jolie = I’d consider it…but it’s all a bit too much…so no

Cherlize Theron’s quite nice I suppose – Apparently she’s a bit of a laugh, good in the sack and likes a beer…hmm reminds me of me.

I could go on and on…but I can’t think of anybody who grabs my attention in a truly feminine, sexy way like the ‘classic’ beauties did (in their prime) Liz Taylor, Monroe etc. Oh I don’t know.

I think Gemma Atkinson looks better in crappy safari clobber on ‘I’m a Celeb’ than she does tarted up like a prossie for FHM

There are some wonderful, stunning girls in every town and city in the world with the perfect amount of imperfections. How and why the fuck some people look to the so-called ‘icons’ above is beyond me.

*finishes rant*

*goes for lie down*
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 16:20, closed)
I agree with every word of that!
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 16:31, closed)
Aaah pooflake
Thats a very reassuring thing to hear said! Makes us girls who don't look (or act) like neither Paris Hilton or Dawn French feel a bit better!
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 16:43, closed)
Agrees with Pooflake
Well said...
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 16:49, closed)
you've restored some of my faith in men! But only some...
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 16:53, closed)

Nigella Lawson is a must...surely.
Catherine Zeta Jones.

And any woman prepared to go out without makeup on, get dirty, make a fool of herself, laugh and eat cake.

They must eat lots and lots of cake.

Same goes for the men.
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 22:49, closed)
Someone who isn't stick thin (but not the size of a house) with a brain the size of a planet, the sense of humour of Eddie Izzard would be a bloody good start.
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 23:10, closed)
Ideal lady?
Reasonably attractive, intelligent, funny, thoughtful, down to earth.

Not much to ask is it?
(, Wed 21 Nov 2007, 23:27, closed)
Excellent suggestions fair maiden!

Nigella would be up there...but there is a reason why she's only filmed from the waist up. Besides, she's probably only be interested in 'lil Pooflake' if I drizzled olive oil and double cream over it (hmmmm!)

Also, (pre-Michael Douglas) CZJ was strikingly beautiful - and she definitely did not need to have surgery on her eyes.

Then again, even she has the 'probably-dull-and-you-KNOW-there-is-an-ulterior-motive-if-she's-going-out-with-you' look about her. You'd always be looking over your shoulder.

Any more suggestions would be welcomed
(, Thu 22 Nov 2007, 9:16, closed)
Well now
if the subject has moved onto 'birds off the telly we'd like to shag', can I respectfully suggest one Catherine Marston, BBC News reporter for the north of England.

Not a 'stunner' in the Sun sense, but, oh yes....
(, Thu 22 Nov 2007, 9:35, closed)
Ooh I've thought of one...
Katherine Jenkins the opera singer.

mmm she is lovely

with a smile that could melt platinum
(, Thu 22 Nov 2007, 10:05, closed)
^^^ what pooflake said^^^
All of it, I agree with the lot.

I'm also a bit partial to that Sarah Beeny, property ladder woman. That thing on her lip didn't put me off (I think she's had it taken off now?). What could be better than a nice woman with gigantic natural breasts who really knows her shit on a building site?!!
(, Thu 22 Nov 2007, 10:07, closed)

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