Since we're all still here...
One of my first jobs was in a well-known burger 'restaurant' (yes, the evil one). Official policy was to keep everything spotless and squeaky-clean. Sadly, official policy was also to employ penny-pinching rat-faced scrotes as Shift Managers, who cared not for hygiene.

Now, for the uninitiated, when making a burger in these places, the sauce is kept in a squirty gun device. A cardboard tube of sauce is loaded into it and, with one squeeze of the trigger, the perfect quantity of shitty sauce is deposited onto the burger. Whatever was left in these guns was thrown away at the end of the day, and a fresh one opened the next.

So one night at 10.59pm we were getting ready to close when a group of customers came in and ordered burgers. The Shift Manager, keen to get rid of them, hurriedly assembled the burgers himself in the kitchen, out of their view. As luck would have it, there was one last squirt of sauce left for the last burger of the evening. Perfect! Click, squirt, job done.

Plop.

The manager somehow managed to drop the burger, sauce-side down, on the floor. Whoops.

He therefore faced the financial hardship of going to the fridge and cracking open a new sauce tube just to make a replacement burger, before throwing the rest of the tube away.

Oh, of course he fucking didn't. He scooped it all up off the floor, picked out the bits of crap and served it up to the unsuspecting sucker.

Good god, that was a rotten job.
(costas, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 19:53, Reply)

so, did they all die in a plane crash, or what?

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 19:46, 3 replies)

I one worked in a steel works that was lax on health and safety.
It turned out they had dodgy works ethics. No...wait.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 18:37, Reply)

Mounds of hifi
Another tale from the trusty old Music and Video Exchange in London's Notting Hill Gate. New legislation meant we could no longer sell electrical goods if they weren't double insulated (they had to have a square-within-a-square logo to pass muster), though, due to the vagaries of the company's operating policies, we were still obliged to buy the stuff. As a result we found ourselves with an ever-growing heap of old silver hifi components mixed in with broken TVs and vacuum cleaners. Legendary entrepreneur / nutcase Brian stumbled across this heap one day and asked why we were throwing out stuff we should be selling.

"It's illegal to sell it" explained one of his entourage.
"Then we'll give it away" countered Brian.
"It's illegal to do that as well" came the reply.

After a few moments thought Brian came up with a classic piece of lateral thinking:

"Then we'll sell it for no money."

The lot went in a skip a couple of days later.
(Haywood Manley, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 17:33, 1 reply)

(Two hundred and) FIRST!!!




Yawn.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 16:54, Reply)

While working in a charity shelter for the homeless
I once got a wank off a tramp.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 16:36, 8 replies)

So, I had a boss who used to demand that I write weekly reports for him on a variety of topics.
I was supposed to find out what the topic was around lunchtime on a Thursday, but invariably, week after week it would reach about 4pm and I was left twiddling my thumbs waiting to be given the OK to start writing.

Not unethical I suppose, but irritating...
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 15:49, Reply)

Deputy head chef at a gastropub I worked at in my uni days.
We will call him Bob. Bob was my boss. (I was a potwasher. I had to call the cockroaches 'sir'.)
Bob was a complete and total mentalist.
The head waitress had been ticking him off. So he got a fish head and put it in his mouth.

And then he walked up to her, mouth still shut, and went 'BLEARGH', alien xenomorph style, fish head just poking out of his mouth.

I realise how unbelievable this story sounds. I really, really wish I'd made it up.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Thu 14 Jul 2011, 15:33, 1 reply)

Everyone's got their price.

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 14:07, 15 replies)

Something I nearly got asked to do...
...was to develop a mobile application for Benny Hinn, the USAian preacher, "healer" and man who used donations from the poor and needy to jet around on Concorde.

Luckily, he got a divine message or something and didn't use our company in the end, thank the FSM.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 13:31, Reply)

Beefeater 'Restaurant' - I worked as a Kitchen Porter as my second part time job
The Head 'Chef' used to play indoor football with frozen steaks before throwing onto the grill.

He asked me to set him up for a volley, and I'm sad to say that I did.

He scuffed it under the dessert prep area.

It still went onto the grill in due course.
(Pat_Gash, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 13:19, 10 replies)

When I was interviewed I said I was passionate about the work and looked forward to meeting the challenges.
When actually I just took it to be able to pay my bills and get pissed at weekends.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 12:08, 6 replies)

No surprises
Back in 1997 I was one of the techies for Radiohead's post-OK Computer tour. It had been an excellent run so far, but I was getting a bit messy in the head from all the late nights (and marching powder); not enough to ruin my work mind, but just enough to make me a *tic* wee bit *tic* twitchy like. No-one had noticed until now, but it was getting worse in the run up to Christmas, and this meant that people were paying even less attention to my mannerisms.

So when we got to the penultimate gig before Christmas, in Aberdeen, I have to admit that my temper was a bit out of sorts. One of the main speakers seemed to be a bit fucked; no bass was coming out of the shitting thing. I checked the leads, the pre-amps, the ins and outs, and even cabinet's walls. Eventually I snapped and booted the fucker.

The lead engineer by this point interrupted me and pulled me aside. "Oi, Rat, what the fuck do you think you're doing?" I replied somewhere along the lines of, "Cocking motherfucking *tic* piece of shit-blower *tic* ain't fuckin' booming *tic* mate."

"Do you even know how a digital speaker works, you dumb sack o' crap? Christ; if I show you what to do, will you cut it out with your digi woofer kicks?"

_{I could have sworn that worked last night}
( clockworkrat has nice pants, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 11:38, Reply)

My local takeaway has an ancient Chinese cook, he’s – ahem- a doddery wok ethnic.

( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 14 Jul 2011, 11:01, 11 replies)

I'm reading this at the office.
And I genuinely am an ethicist.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 11:01, 1 reply)

You'll never believe this...
...but my boss told me to do some actual work, rather than peruse B3ta. The cheek!
(Monkey the Chicken Twitter: death_stairs, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 10:19, 4 replies)

There's nothing like a bit of addictive drug-dealing to ensure a closed, constant market.
That's why I went into politics, and lobby for the tobacco companies.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 10:13, Reply)

And that's all the thanks I got.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 9:49, Reply)

Apparently he's the hardest working man in showbiz.
Often doing three hour shows that would exhaust a comedian half his age.

His dad's dog's dead though.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 8:53, 1 reply)

The members
of a shadily-named Britpop band from the '90s recently declared they were going to recreate Mao's Long March through China to raise money for charity.

It will be a Dodgy Walk Epic...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 14 Jul 2011, 8:46, 1 reply)

I knew an African restaurant
that serves what they claim is a "traditional African stir-fry". If you ask me, that's dodgy wok ethics.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 7:48, 2 replies)

Potential Death and Destruction
I used to work for a defence contractor named after the father of radio. It wasn't uncommon for the MOD to come and inspect a project to issue a stage payment, checking the equipment was working as planned.

Automated target tracking systems would be demonstrated, working better than expected. Little did they know a chap hidden 20' away would be sitting behind a monitor, effectively playing an expensive game of Tail Gunner and tracking the object manually.

However, even worse was one place I worked at that made safety shutdown systems. A rack with twin processors and control gear would be shown working as normal, and when you pulled out the main processor, the secondary one would take over, without a hitch.

Little did the Chinese clients know, that at the demonstration (by the damm it was controlling) there was only one processor. The backup one. The main one was just an empty case with a light that pretended it was working. We had to write software for the proper backup processor to pretend it was asleep until the dummy was pulled out.

I'm sure it's been fixed by now. I've not heard anything about it on the news...
(Kliper Filllets Getting noticed by twats on the internet since, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 7:36, 4 replies)

Inspired decision
Me mates and I enjoy a bit of steampunk engineering, and most of the time we use one of our garages. This is fine since we usually tinker about making wee clockwork rodents. Occasionally we'll go for something a bit more adventurous such as doing contract work doing up cars and motorbikes with superfluous pipes, lenses, and a bit of a spraypaint job. It's bloody good fun, and we're getting pretty adept at "salvaging" scrap piping from construction sites at night.

Now for a quick aside; I used to work in the Lifescan packaging plant up in Inverness, and there was this one bloke who told me a story about a time of his at a music festival years earlier. He was on MASSIVE DRUGS when he starts hearing screams coming from one end of the campsite. The screams keep getting closer so he pops his head out to see what's happening, and to his horror there's a man on a fucking five foot tall, hydraulic spider-leg mech. My workmate looks up at the goggle-wearing pilot of this magnificent beast and promptly shits himself. At this, the pilot bends over and leers right in me mate's face, then buggers off again.

So, back to the garage; remembering this story, I wanted to try and make something similar myself. A quick look at our supplies told us that it'd be nigh impossible to pull off an eight, or even a six legged machine, so we drafted a plan for what basically looked like a metal plated Indian elephant. The way we managed to do it was by having the pilot in the front with the huge engine behind him. This way we only had to power the back legs. The pilot would not only have to manipulate the engine-powered legs but would also need to manually operate the unpowered front legs in time so as to not fall over.

Over about two years we managed to get it to a state where we reckoned we could fire it up for a quick test-run. The best place for this in Inverness was Bught Park, but we hadn't counted on the circus being around.

Since we were quite a shy bunch - not too surprising for a bunch of fringe geeks - we decided to do our test at night. Since the park is fairly big we were pretty confident that we wouldn't wake anyone, but like I said, we hadn't counted on the circus. So when we started the thing up it made a hell-shattering racket that woke up the circus workers, who being as they are, got pissed off immediately. They started throwing things at us, but I, the pilot, realised that I couldn't shut down my damn machine. The circusians eventually got so bonkers - they couldn't hear our protestations over the noise - that they used their fucking cannons to fire things at us. One by one, my friends ran away or were knocked out, but I was stuck. Eventually the nuts had run out of inanimate objects to fire and started shooting their goddamn midgets. One hit the midsection of the mech, and another hit just behind the front legs. My beautiful, awful elephant was fucked and fell over.

It was at this point that I realised the boiler in the engine might over-heat due to the vent being bent and blocking off escaping steam. It might over-heat to the extent that it would explode. It was also at this point that I noticed that the midgets (or dwarfs) we holding fucking spears even as they flew at me. One of the little shits was even dressed as a cunting bear, and I now knew I either had to dodge ewok or fix.

_{Please kill me}
( clockworkrat has nice pants, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 6:39, 2 replies)

sorry.
this one time i was strolling through the woods on Endor when i heard one of those really annoying teddy bear like creatures calling for me to come hang out. I couldnt stand the furry little cunt, so i decided to avoid him and hid behind a tree. But then i started to give myself a hard time for doing so. Was it right? Was it wrong?

it was a real case of Dodge Ewok Ethics.
(Matty73, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 5:38, Reply)

Not me, a mate of mine...
my mate always told me how you would never see his manager during office hours, as he would spend the entire day in his office.

one occasion, he wandered out and simply said "would anyone like a model car?". being a collector of model cars, my mates hand went straight up, and he got the model, in a bag, and chucked it straight into his backpack. when he got home, he pulled the bag out and had a look. what a pile of cack! It looked like Stevie Wonder made it while wearing boxing gloves, it was awfuul...

we always remind him of his dodgy work airfix.

(no apologies :D)
(baldpig pee'd in your pool on, Thu 14 Jul 2011, 0:25, Reply)

We weren't getting the advertising revenue we needed to keep things ticking over
So to top up the accounts, my boss, Rob, got us to trick people into admitting criminal activities that either they or their employers were involved in at work.

We plan on blackmailing the worst offenders.

Scaryduck.
( Muns, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 21:16, 1 reply)

I got the job!
Prior evening to an interview I unwittingly meet my future boss on a night out... and end up sleeping with them.

I got the job, then a month or so later left through sexual harrassment :)
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 19:57, 15 replies)

Since "a fool and his money are soon parted"
Is there really any shame in expediating the process?
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 14:27, 53 replies)

Oh yeah, another one just came to mind.. Mobile phones VAT fraud.
About ten years ago I went to work for a guy in Stoke-on-Trent who was in the wholesale mobile phone business. I was working for him in a construction capacity as he was earning so much money he was buying cars and property and so started a construction company to do them up and sell them on/live in whatever. He paid me to pay his 'construction workers' and sort out materials etc. He turned out to be one of the biggest arseholes I've ever met.

Basically, his whole phone business was based on something called carousal fraud (or 'bashing') which involves a front company importing phones from the EU sans VAT and then selling them on the the UK plus VAT. Rinse and repeat. Pocket the VAT and you're off. Usually, the stock never even leaves the warehouse, just the paperwork going round in circles. I know for a fact he made millions of pounds, at least £10m in the first year alone. He would often have cash of a £100k in the office in plastic bags.

He drove Ferraris and Aston Martins, once writing off his 360 rushing to his warehouse because it was getting broken into. That was kinda sweet, until he just bought another.

There was quite a few others doing it in Stoke at the time, but it was clamped down on pretty heavily a few years ago, but not before my boss and others had made £billions by essentially de-frauding the Government.

The worst thing he asked me to do? Not grass him up to the Environment Agency for deliberately opening a sluice gate on a cess tank full of cow shit which duly flooded the local stream on an old Farm he bought. Thank God I wasn't bashing phones. I only worked for him for a few months before his arrogance and scruples made it unbearable.

I believe he is still on the run from Customs and Excise, in France somewhere, so I last heard.
( Nuisance Value, Wed 13 Jul 2011, 12:18, 17 replies)