Pavements need to have markings for direction and speed.
Stopping dead in the middle of the street should be a legally acceptable defence for murder.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 13:46, 2 replies)

Buses and lifts
I hate people who try to get on the bus when you are trying to get off,
or try to get in the lift without letting those inside get out.

You are going nowhere until I have alighted, you fuckwits.
( finnbar has officially retired, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 13:35, 4 replies)

Like
Random
Literally

There are more words, yes? So why do these three get used so much?
(anvil, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 13:22, 10 replies)

people that wind me up
- parents who moan about not getting any sleep because of their new child, who they've already told you about for the last year, with photos of scans, and such like. You can't have a kid, then fucking whinge that its hard, you should've worn a condom in the first place.

- people who make instant coffee and don't put the milk in first.

- people who talk about themselves in the 3Rd person.

- Christians that constantly try to get you to do 'the alpha course' . Which apparently is nothing about God, but its run in churches by men of the cloth. A wolf in ssheeps clothing me thinks.

- people who stink of urine, that always choose to sir next to me on public transport.

- people who use the words 'simples' + 'chillax'

- people who's eyes are too close together, like Ryan Giggs, and Zlatan Ibrahemovich
(Spyan in Swedish I am 'The Sick', Fri 5 Oct 2012, 13:12, 7 replies)

I've taken to actually stopping cyclists I see jumping red lights
or riding on the pavement.

I worry about what they do to my blood pressure, but it makes me absolutely fucking livid.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:46, 15 replies)

Thread deleters

(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:40, 3 replies)

people who stop immediately upon exiting the revolving door
while they have a bit of a think about where they want to go. I'm already in the revolving door at this point, you festering cockrot, I have no choice but to walk into the back of you.

The punching you in the kidney was totally avoidable, though, I did that on purpose.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:39, 3 replies)

Commuting
Excellent thinks I, I have a seat. So here I neatly sit, trying not to stray into neighbouring territory, headphones at an acceptable level.

The man to my right however is sitting, as one might sit on the toilet, legs akimbo, broadsheet unfolded to maximum capacity, as he digs his elbow into my side, flapping the stupid pages of his paper, my blood starts to boil and then he lets out a huge yawn, unfiltered by a polite hand, and wafted by his broadsheet I get the full olfactory hit of warm stale breath. GAH shitty death to you sir.

Also when sitting, where else is it acceptable to fart into the face of another commuter other than on London Blunderground.

And those people who think it’s ok to push their way onto the train. Usually wearing a massive backpack which knocks me sideways every time they move.

And to add final insult to injury; once, I was holding on for dear life as the central line hurtled along towards home and this suited, bespectacled chap leaned his paper on my head. Yes, on my head, I am a little on the short side but there was no need for that, so I pointed out that I was actually there under his paper much to the amusement of the other commuters.
(GirlOfTheWorld, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:29, 2 replies)

I literally had 20 million potatoes on my plate.
They literally pissed themselves laughing.

I was literally up to my eyes in work.

I literally wanted to kill them.

So I turned around and said to them that if they turn around and say to me that I should turn around and say that basically they were totally like oh em gee I was totally like amazeballs.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:28, 10 replies)

Remote control
We rarely watch TV shows live. We record things and then play them back, mainly to avoid adverts but also so my boyfriend can rewind to listen to a bit of dialogue he missed (because he was talking) or make me listen to a bit of music that he thinks sounds like a bit of some other music or point out some illogical point about the plot or has gotten confused about who is who and what they're doing.

That's irritating enough but what is worse is that he can never get the hang of rewinding and never goes far enough back. He always rewinds to a second or so after the bit he wants to see and then spends ages going backwards and forwards to get to exactly the right spot.

I wouldn't mind but this mostly happens when we're watching Corrie.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:26, 4 replies)

If you're easily wound up...
...and have an ounce of sense, don't start investigating Alternative Medicine. It's a one way ticket to clenched fists, high blood pressure and popping veins on your forehead.

And then WHSmith start stocking "What Doctors Don't Tell You" magazine.

<explodes>
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:24, 1 reply)

A pearoast
People that advertise stuff they own and SPELL IT WRONG!
FFS, you have the thing in your posession, you've even photographed it WITH THE FUCKING LABEL and you still can't spell the name of the manufacturer/appliance. I've seen 'Pannasonuc' (Panasonic), 'Martyn' (Martin - on a guitar ad showing not only the headstock logo but also the inner label - both clearly showing MARTIN) and 'Ovartiun' (Ovation - another guitar ad) all in the last week!
It's simple to get it right, just copy out the label.
Drives me (even more ) insane.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:20, 5 replies)

Basically wankers
Pearoast alert, but people using the word basically out of context really boils my piss.

The problem has reached epidemic proportions with Stephen Fry using it 6 times on QI last week, and serious academics using it when interviewed on Newsnight.

It's time we started kicking people in the cunt/cock every time they use it.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:14, 11 replies)

Wikipedia
People claiming something is true because it was on Wikipedia.

Wikipedia is not an acceptable source to be quoted UNDER ANY CIRCUMSTANCES.

The vast majority of entries being made up or just slightly altered by people like me taking the piss so lazy students who can't be bothered to do real research fail exams by making spectacularly false claims.

This really grips my shit.
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 12:09, 8 replies)

People Who Can't Use a Sugar Bowl.
Is it just me, or is this a concept that some (infinitely pathetic) people just find beyond them?

I had to turf out my flatmate recently - true, he lost his job, but the thing that tipped me over the edge? His complete failure to grasp the simple concept of the sugar bowl. The rules are so simple:

1) Use spoon in sugar bowl to add sugar to tea/coffee.
2) Put DRY spoon BACK in sugar bowl.
3) Use another, different spoon to stir tea/coffee.
4) IMPORTANT: do not use the same spoon for all 3 steps! Do not use the sugar spoon to stir your drink, and then put the wet spoon back in the fucking bowl, you fucking sub-ape cantaloupe. It wastes sugar, and if I wanted to cover my cereal with great irregular sugary clumps of rotting tea/coffee, I'd dig up Dame Barbara Cartland, cover her corpse in cornflakes, and have a gnaw on her legs. Argh!


He also couldn't work out the purpose of a dish-washer.

I've emptied it, its ready for used plates/cutlery to be stored within, why are you still throwing your dirty knives & spoons in the sink? Getting some kind of perverse thrill out of making me fish your slimy old forks out of the plug-hole?

Truly, I wonder that he left my flat alive.
(IChewCandlewax, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 11:56, 2 replies)

The sun has got his hat on. But I haven't.
In which Rakky once again demonstrates that qualifications are no indication of the ability to function in the real world.

This particular foible of mine irritates me more than anyone; however, recently I have come to suspect that some of the other, more patient people in my life are also beginning to find it a little trying.

I have a total and utter inability to dress correctly for the weather. It does not matter how many weather reports I read or hear before leaving the house, I am 100% guaranteed to be wearing the wrong thing. 90% chance of a downpour? I’ll leave the house in espadrilles and a dry clean only sweater, forgetting completely to bring a coat. Temperature in the low 30s, with high humidity? Polo neck and a pair of knee boots. I don’t know what happens, it’s like I check the BBC for the day’s weather, then in the 10 seconds between that and opening my wardrobe door, I simply forget the information and put on whatever ill conceived clothing choice my tiny, fevered little mind has decided for me.

Whilst the person who suffers most from this is clearly me, it has begun to affect others. I am constantly soaked or too cold or too warm, meaning I end up either having to borrow a jacket, or simply spend the time whining about my discomfort. When I went to see The Stone Roses at Heaton Park, given that it was in Manchester, the chances of rain were pretty high. Did I consider this? No. Did JeffTheDogFucker have to frogmarch me to a shop and force me to buy wellies, provide me with a waterproof jacket, and pack me a bag containing useful items such as sun cream and alcohol hand wash? Damn right.

I also have a pathological loathing of umbrellas (*), meaning that even if I don’t have a coat with me, I don’t give myself the option of carrying a brolly round just in case.

I fully expect to catch pneumonia at some point. And no one should have any sympathy for me. Because I am a stupid, stupid bitch.

(*) they’re useless if it’s windy, you have to give up one valuable hand to carry them, people poke you in the eye with them and I’m scared of being a lightening conductor. I should probably just be put out of my misery.
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 11:50, 3 replies)

This is going to be truly cathartic
Mr GOTW has never had to do anything himself, when he was at home his mother did everything, and when he lived with his best friend, he used to fold Mt GOTW’s washing and I am (annoyingly) perpetuating this cycle because it is quicker to do it myself. RAAAAAH!

I shall list his daily offences:

He runs around in a blind panic shouting: Where are my keys/wallet/oyster?
He leaves his bag and shoes in the middle of the hall for me to trip over and then tidy away.
He always managed to leave his wet towels on my side of the bed.
He uses a new cup every time he makes a brew because he has left the other one somewhere.
He uses half a bog roll to wipe down the mirror in our bathroom after he’s showered so he can preen.
He never cleans up any of his spills various spills, there are more rings on my kitchen surfaces than the Elizabeth duke display counter!
At the weekend he changes his clothes about 4 times a day and leaves them on the floor, over a chair, on the newel post at the top of our stairs
He steals my socks and sometimes my pyjamas

Things that are probably genetic:

His feet smell like they are rotting most of the time and his socks, when I go to wash them, are rigid *barf*
He spills stuff all the time, down himself, on our couch and always on the bed sheets particularly when they are clean on.
When he thinks I am out of earshot, he farts, cups it in his hand, and sniffs it.
After a night out he barfed in the drain outside our house (and then panicked when a week or so later, mushrooms started growing out of the drain). When he finally made it indoors that night, he crashed into a bookcase and it fell on top of him, I found him asleep under it when I got up for a glass of water.

Things at the realms of stupidity that he has recently done:

He decided the dishwasher was a bit grubby and decided to clean it by emptying half a bottle of fairly liquid into it and switching it on. Once the Ibiza foam party was underway, he panicked used all of the bath towels to clean up the mess and then hid the towels in a bin bag in our spare room.

The first day back at work after we moved in to our flat, Mr GOTW left the door open, not ajar, no, OPEN and ON THE LATCH!

He put my massive steam generator iron on the wrong end of the ironing board and when it toppled off the board and broke, he switched off the power leaving the iron to burn a bloody great hole in the carpet, I found him hiding down the side of the bed on the phone to the iron manufacturer, credit card in hand, whisperingly ordering a replacement part and when I asked him what he was doing he screamed like a girl. Ha.

In spite of all of these annoying and ridiculous things he does, I love him to bits and couldn’t wish for a better boyfriend and I am sure that he finds my obsessive cleaning habits just as irksome.
(GirlOfTheWorld, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 11:26, 11 replies)

Those little mouse-pad things on the front of laptops
find that it's moved the cursor to a totally different part of the screen. They're placed exactly where you'll catch them with your wrist or palm and set so that the lightest accidental touch works like a click, so all of a sudden when you're typing you
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 11:25, 8 replies)

If we're talking driving
What about lorry drivers that overtake other lorries on a two-lane road. This is illegal in Spain, and is so obvious as to be genius.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 11:17, 7 replies)

Can the admins perhaps do a search
And find those that have clicked 'I like this' on more than 80% of the answers to this qotw, and refer them to the appropriate authorities?
They may not new further driving.
(speedevil, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 10:48, Reply)

tailgaters.
I'd quite like to worry about what's going on in front of me, rather than having to constantly check whether the texting driver of the 3 ton van filling my mirrors is actually going to stop when I do.
(username failed moderation, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 10:43, 1 reply)

Impatient pricks on aeroplanes.
Why, do you think you're going to get home any quicker if you all pile into the aisle blocking each other from getting your kit. The doors aren't even open yet, for fuck's sake.
( Slippery Mick &#8207;, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 10:37, 9 replies)

I fear this will be the first of many ...
Receptionists and people that answer the 'phone with a garbled/gabbled version of the company's name - delivered in a singsong manner.
I know you have said the name a hundred times today, I know the receptionists job is not the most stimulating but FFS you're the first point of contact for everyone that 'phones in. Take a breath, slow down and enunciate.
Also, tannoy announcements. Why are they done in a duotone? Just speak FFS, they'll get the message.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 8:45, 2 replies)

OK, here it comes - the one about driving
In no particular order, apart from the first one which is THE most dangerous:

-Tailgating. Even if intimidating people like an utter cunt did work, how can driving closer to the car in front make it go faster for you WHEN IT HAS NOWHERE ELSE TO GO?? Funnily enough it isn't generally possible to drive over the car in front, unless you're in a tank. Shooting's too good for'em, guv.
- Lane hogs. The inside lane is nearly always empty. Use it. You may even go faster than the queue of 40 Audis nose to tail in lane 3.
- Indicators are called that for a reason - to INDICATE IN ADVANCE to others what you are about to do.
- If you must pull out in front of me even though there is no traffic behind me and waiting 10 seconds longer would mean you had all the time in the world to do so, for fuck's sake GET A BLOODY MOVE ON. If I have to brake, you should not have pulled out.
- Get that phone away from your ear! All modern phones have a speakerphone. Use it.
- If your music is audible at a distance of more than 10 yards from the car, you should have to pay PRS/public performance/licensing fees just like any other concert.
- Sorry, but putting a fat exhaust on a 4 cylinder car will never make it sound like a V8.
(localboy purveyor of pisspoor puns, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 8:43, 13 replies)

My niece, Sarah.
A few years ago we decided to take in my missus' niece as her fucked up junky mum was basically dragging her from doss-house to doss-house and score to score.
When we got her she hadn't eaten properly in a week or so, hadn't been to school in over a month and had probably spent a good deal of the previous months in the company of druggies, dealers, jailbirds and creepy peado cunts like anotherwanker.

Unfortunately she ended up being cut from very similar cloth to her mother but that's another story. She ended up going back to live with her mum 2 years later when she went for a weekend visit (we'd only just got to that stage of trust) and her mum decided that now she wanted to take responsibility for raising her daughter. And that was that.
Before the barrage of "Did you try?"'s all we had was a spoken agreement with the mother and even with a legal-type piece of paper, any court here in Oz will generally favour giving the child to parents over relatives anyday.
Our house is more peaceful tho these days :|

But Sarah when she lived with us came up with some doozies. And they were real clangers. She is a real "stream of consciousness type of girl - she would say what she saw as she saw it.
Once while doing a spelling exercise she was trying to describe "fabric" - her quote was "that thing you chop-snap", we all looked at each other quizzically. Eventually we managed to figure out that she meant "fabric", that you can chop-snap. Apparently.
Chopsnap...

We were driving past some soccer/footy ovals (fields) and Sarah pipes up with "What's that white thing you're looking at?" to my missus. Que? We spent a few minutes asking her to describe them - "They were white & standing up.", "They weren't next to a house.", "They were used when you do that thing with the ball."
It took nearly 15 min. for us to figure out that my wife had glanced to the left where there were some soccer goal posts, painted white, long passed.

One day we happened to be driving by a McDonalds. Sarah happened to see it and shout out "McDonalds!". Everyone else in the car scrunched their brow and wondered "Wtf?"
So my missus asked "Do you mean that McDonalds?"
Sarah responds with "All of you all ever talk about is McDonalds, McDonalds McDonalds!"
Whaaa?

"Chopsnap" & "McDonalds, McDonalds McDonalds" remain today as terms we use to describe either something unknown or something done "over the top".
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Fri 5 Oct 2012, 8:23, 10 replies)

Those bastards that put coffee in the sugar.
You know who you are.
You get a spoonful of coffee then you dip the spoon in the sugar leaving fucking coffee in it.
I hate having my tea poisoned with your cat piss smelling fucking coffee.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 8:23, 3 replies)

People Who Sip Coffee
The cacophony of fluid and lips as people try to avoid scalding burns by converting dangerously-hot fluids into flowing airborne suspensions derails all thought.

For that matter, the sound of pouring hot liquids. Coffee and tea. Pouring hot liquids sound different than pouring cold liquids, and the telltale sound signals some nearby moron is going to start sipping soon.

Don't get me started on soup aficionados and their damned teaspoons.

You can chew with your mouth open and spray it all over my face - I don't care. But keep the hot fluids away.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 7:49, 2 replies)

Why? Just WHY?
People who meaninglessly chuckle at the end of a sentence, or even just chuckle as some form of communication I don't follow. David Seaman did it incessantly on that Footballer's Diaries programme about 10 years ago, around about when I started hating Arsenal. Usually it's women though, get 2 together who have never met and they can exchange chuckles indefinitely. It bugs the living crap out of me. No more or less annoying than those halfwits who can't write an email without putting 'lol!' at the end of every single fucking sentence.

An expert in non-verbal communication can probably explain why people do it, but it just makes me want to stab folk.
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 6:20, 7 replies)

The Subject Of The Post Is Something That Drives Me Up The Wall
Why Would Anyone Do This? It Is Far Easier Not To Do This. It Is Quicker And More Efficient Not To Do This. Rage Is Not A Strong Enough Word To Describe What I Feel When I See This. Murderous... Yes, I Like Murderous To Describe It.

In all other ways, she's a perfectly lovely girl, and my vices exceed hers by a factor of thousands.
(searlichek, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 4:33, 3 replies)

Possibly the most boring man in Britain
Technically I'm this guy's boss, but I'm 22 and he's 50 so I just can't bring myself to tell him to "shut the fuck up you boring twat!"
I work in a small convenience store and this bloke is an incredibly slow server (has a permenant queue of customers unless someone helps serve on the second till) but it is compounded by the fact he has to talk to every male customer, and many of the female ones, about football.
Now I like football but he says the same thing over and over and over again to each customer in the queue. A queue he creates by saying the same thing over and over again.
The first time he says, "I can't believe that ref," is fine, even when he says it a few times, but he says it without fail to every person who has ever shown some interest in football.
When you're stood next to him serving as fast as you can to try and clear the queue and he's just ambling along having the same conversation withe every customer I just want to turn to him and scream, "shut up and get on with it! Are you not bored of saying the same thing over and over!?"

I should have posted the other week when the QOTW was "Worst Person For The Job". There are so many things that make him completely inept for working in a customer facing environment, this is only one small thing, but by God it annoys me
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Fri 5 Oct 2012, 3:32, Reply)