People who try to book parking spaces
by putting (stolen) road cones, wheelie bins or other junk in the road. Yes, I'm looking at you, owners of Dr Huttons's Land in Kippford, Dumfries and Galloway.
(ubergeekian, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 19:50, 6 replies)

Something about getting a taxi to a gig

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 19:37, Reply)

People who have jobs at the bottom end of the food chain and then moan about it constantly
I don't care about all the people you have to deal with. It's not my fault your father couldn't afford to send you to decent school.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 7 Oct 2012, 19:32, 3 replies)

people who get driven to madness by people writing lists of what drives them to madness
stop taking the internet so seriously, you boring irish cunt
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 19:24, Reply)

People touching the screen of my computer
Work or home, it doesn't matter. Kill 'em all. The worst offenders are those who press hard enough to make a little round ripple in the image. Bastards. And they all have greasy fingers.
(rogerzilla, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 19:03, 2 replies)

I was driven to Madness.
It was the most convenient way of getting there.

ONE STEP BEYOND!
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 19:00, 1 reply)

You know the way sometimes you're walking down the street, and another pedestrian stops because they aren't sure which direction to go in, and you get delayed by several seconds?
Grow up, you pathetic whingey cunt. Same goes for any of you pricks who get "driven to madness" by people who use turns of phrase that you dislike. Grow up.
And if, by any chance, you work in tech support and you get pissed off by the people who you work with not understanding IT as well as you do, go stick your head in a fire, you halfwit.
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 18:19, 9 replies)

Reach out
A couple of years ago some of my American work colleagues started using the phrase 'reach out', as in, if you need to know more just reach out to me. I thought this would just be a short term thing, but now, it has grown, and now they all use it, all the time. You can't phone, IM or e mail anyone any longer, you have to 'reach out' to them. It drives me crazy, and I just feel like reaching out with my hands towards their throat... Luckily it's usually a phone conference...

Edit: fixed spelling. Bloody wanky iPads.
(Smale is stuffed, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 18:05, 4 replies)

People who use the expression 'that grips my shit'

( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 16:35, 10 replies)

Stretch my neck - I'll break yours!
Mong-tastic till monkeys who believe that as the customer is about to spend a fair wad of his hard earned cash on a t-shirt / crew neck sweater / jumper, etc, then the only way to remove the coat hanger is by stretching the neck and removing it that way!
I have mentally had to restrain myself from launching into an all out verbal assault, mainly because I don't want to be barred from Go Outdoors.
I am presently trying to convince myself if a psychiatrist would be a good idea. I just know that when I'm old and decrepit, I'm going to be that strange man who shouts and argues with himself (possibly also smelling of stale piss).
(cargoeng, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 16:22, Reply)

People who have nothing better to do than compile tedious lists should be shot.
Next should be people who complain about other people compiling lists.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 16:15, 1 reply)

Just a few things...
Road-users who won't indicate if they are turning left or right.
Adults who cycle on pavements.
Coffee drinkers who contaminate the sugar with coffee drips/granules.
Facebook users who list their occupation as "yummy mummy" - you mean "unemployed" right?
Facebook users who have rushed to decry this week's villain (currently Mark Bridger) as guilty, even if he's not been in court yet and not seen any evidence against him.
Drivers who tail-gate ... I do slow down by about 5 to 10% just to p*ss you off.
That indestructible plastic packaging which requires me to raid my toolbox for the tin-snips.
Those ridiculous FACT warning screens at the start of films. It does beg the question about why you would make a crappy camcorder bootleg, when you could download a studio-sourced bootleg via bittorrent.
Film distributors who send out their digital masterpieces to arrive at 1pm on a Friday, and then complain when the 1:10pm show is cancelled. We cancelled it because it takes a couple of hours to prepare a show for playback in this digital age.
Cinema patrons who talk or use their mobiles while the show is on. Plus one extra hatred point if it's an adult, rather than a kid.
Vanity number plates: Not big or clever.
Number plates using that German-style font, with an obviously British registration number: You're impressing nobody mate.
Any car with alloy wheels and painted drum-brakes: Cheap and not making any attempt to hide your cheapness.
Disk brakes on cars the diameter of milk-bottle tops: Why?
The use of the fonts Comic Sans or Papyrus. This will annoy me enough that I don't want to read your 'helpful' staff-room advice.
Web designers who think that grey text on a white background is easy to read.
TV manufacturers who think that reminding me that "Signal output from all AV terminals will be disabled during Media Player view" every time I use the USB port on the side of the TV is a good idea. No need Panasonic, I've read the manual.
A local council who hasn't yet replaced a stolen rubbish bin (reported three weeks ago) but wastes no time in threatening fines when I 'present waste' in black bin bags.
Ebay buyers who select the cheapest postage option, and then moan about how it took five days the item to arrive.
Any doctor or other medical professional giving me an injection who says "You'll just feel a scratch". No, it feels like someone is sticking a needle in me, and why are you telling me how I should feel about it?

(I know some of these have already been mentioned here by others, but this is my list)
(forkay, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 16:08, 3 replies)

Zebra crossings
Stopping at these is not optional for motorists. If you keep on driving when I am crossing, don't act all shocked when you hear a mouthful of abuse and my boot hitting your rear wing. Similarly, cyclists, slow down, please pay attention, and at the very least go past behind me, otherwise you'll get a shouting at as well.

Pedestrians, make your mind up if you want to cross instead of dithering about. If you are just having a bit of a stand, please do it away from the crossing.
(aglet, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 16:00, 11 replies)

I spend all my time around this twat
My own fault for living with someone I work with, I suppose. This guy is a total klutz and so disorganised he makes rush hour central London look a German traffic warden's paperclip collection. Did he drop paint in the food cupboard and splatter it all over the place because he was too lazy to put the lid on the can properly? Yes. Did he run the dishwasher with Fairy Liquid and turn the kitchen into a 90's era Ibiza foam party? Yes. Did he shut the front door before leaving at 1am the other night, meaning my female flatmate didn't have to come home to a frankly terrifying dark and abandoned house with door flapping in the breeze? Of course not.

This tool is the kind of guy who loads 50% of the stock for a trade show into his car, takes it home, unloads it into the living room for everyone to trip over, then loads it back into the car, RETURNS TO THE SAME WAREHOUSE and loads up the other 50%. He's the guy who stresses out that he's going to be late for said show, leaves late, then completely forgets this fact and decides there's time to stop for a burger en route.

The coup de grace was yesterday when he put my phone down on a table in a public place, said out loud, "hey I should move that before somebody lifts it" and then ... well, put it this way: I'm posting from my laptop.

The worst part is, this dipshit has the audacity to be myself, so I can't even yell at him without looking like a total mental.
( pineapplecharm D d M Y, H:i, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 15:50, 1 reply)

100 points for the Granny
Where I used to live, there was a stretch of main road which had three sets of traffic lights, roughly spaced 50 metres apart. Therefore ,why do imbeciles decide to walk across the road, through moving traffic, instead of using what is primarily a life-saving device. What's even worse is when they drag their spawn through with them, this really gets my Dr Jekyll going. Is this any way to teach young kids about road safety. I like to catch the eye of these twats as they are shuffling their fat arse in front of my car, hoping that they can read what my eyes are saying - 'If this line of traffic starts moving, so am I, regardless!!'
(cargoeng, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 15:27, 1 reply)

Cold-calling
I basically model myself on Victor Meldrew, therefore there is quite lot that grips my shit and boils my piss. At the top of that list would be so called psychics. It really is an all time low when these fucktards prey on the raw emotion of people going through the worst kind of grief - the loss of a partner, the loss of a child.
It also goes without saying that in todays modern world there is a lot of reinforced information out there to inform people that these idiots are charlatans.
It also makes me wonder my certain members of my family are such gullible twats!!
(cargoeng, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 15:06, 1 reply)

In Waitrose yesterday.
There was a mum, daughter and gran, who where proper lower class vermin. Dirtying up the place with their horrible accents, shouting at the kid etc. Appalling.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Sun 7 Oct 2012, 13:00, 7 replies)

Only to mere madness, not full-blown purple-faced rage or anything.
Otherwise good-quality art pads from which the papr can only be removed by tearning the bloody stuff (and of course the grain runs down the sheet, not across).
The lack of a really dark green pencil - the sort of blackish green that rainforests have.
I know, first-world problems, but coupled with the fact that it's another scratched-together dinner of sodding biscuits and cheese means I'm a grumpy sod.
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Sun 7 Oct 2012, 12:15, Reply)

Disabled drivers being given all the best parking spots
'nuff said.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 12:09, 2 replies)

Get your feet OFF that seat!
It is not OK to sit on public transport with your feet anywhere other than on the floor. This goes for children too. Even, perhaps especially, if you take your shoes off. Sitting elevated on the back of a bench with your feet where normal people put their backsides is not OK either. I have started remonstrating with the culprits, even though a) it makes me feel like Victor Meldrew and b) I will probably get stabbed.
(aglet, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 11:58, 1 reply)

Cinemas and hippies
I reserve a special hate filled place in my head for the kind of bastard that talks in the cinema, phone checking and texting also applies too. Fucking cretinous apes ruining it for everyone else.
Also....
Middle class hippies, the type who do nothing all day but complain about how evil all the mega companies and governments are and how everything is some illuminati coverup.
They all have shit dreadlocks and wear clothes that are all a shade of brown.
But when shit goes to pot they have daddies credit card to fall back on.
Uggh fuckers!
(Margatemug, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 11:46, 1 reply)

People who don't know how to indicate at roundabouts.
You indicate left when turning off, it's basically as simple as that.
Turning left? indicate left.
Going straight? Indicate after the first turn off.
Going all the way round, indicate right until you're past the second junction then left.
Also use the lanes properly. Left lane for left and straight on, inside lane for all the way round.

Just yesterday I'm at a roundabout, a lady pulls out indicating left, I start to ease out but instead of turning off she keeps fucking going. Turns out she's going to the car parking area to my Left. Stupid bitch shouldn't have indicated until she passed me then pulled in, not made me think she was turning off before she got to me. She then had the cheek to shake her head at me. I pointed to her indicator, my 4 year old asleep in the back then gave her the finger. Idiot.
( Maffers I flow kinda strange like Spina Bifida footprints, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 11:28, 5 replies)

Vegetarians
I have nothing against people who don't want to eat meat. I have the same revulsion against certain vegetables on account of their texture, taste etc. But what does my fucking head in is where they start the bullshit eating meat is morally wrong bit.

Working in conservation and being associated with animal welfare I encounter a lot of nutters who take things just a tad to far, which includes the wankers who literally think, "meat is murder."

Posting some horrific image of animal farming gone wrong, to the point where I would probably instantly attack the farmer responsible with a hammer; with some caption about all meat eaters being responsible of it, is the stuff of a demented fucking spastic. If you genuinely think that don't bother reading on; you will never understand reality, the natural world, or our place in it as human beings.

I don't actually like factory farming, or the mistreatment of animals in general as some of you might have sussed out by now, but for fucks sake, I have not removed myself from the natural world. I am a human being, an omnivore, and thus my diet consists partly of meat. This isn't a moral issue, it's reality. Most of the natural world spends all day eating other life, so how on earth can there be any moral problem unless you are some kind of overtly sentimental idealist? Life by definition lives and dies, it's not rocket science. Amazingly, some of us give a shit about where the meat we consume comes from, and why I pay above the odds to eat animals that have had a few moments not to be squashed in some pen to wander about fields staring at the fucking ground all day.

The rest of the natural world couldn't give a fuck for animal welfare, it simply attacks it and eats it, right down to microscopic level, and even bacteria in our own bodies. People who cannot comprehend that have lost their way with the natural world and need to come out of their precious shells and stop being arseholes. The reality of the natural world is it's a 24/7 holocaust of consumption and destruction; where people fail is failing to respect that.

And with that i'm off to feed some leopards some road kill, a Muntjac deer, freshly killed in rural Hertfordshire.
( Jahled Three shades of black, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 11:26, 5 replies)

Buying Glastonbury tickets.
Thankfully, not an exercise in futility (WOO!!) but that was a maddening experience all the same. You'd think seetickets would lease some server space on the Amazon Cloud to cope with the increased demand or something. Dumb bastards.
(The Luggage is haunted..., Sun 7 Oct 2012, 11:00, 2 replies)

Nonsensical interruptions
When you're having a conversation with someone and they keep interrupting you saying "yes" or "I know" or even the deeply irritating "yeah, yeah, yeah". I don't even think they are aware they are doing it but it really gets on my tits.

It's especially annoying when explaining something complex and they keep butting in. So I try to set myself a challenge of catching them out.

"So, we need to speak to ..."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah"
"And once they've done that then we'll be ready".

And watch the puzzlement cross their face.
(GingerIrishTosser isn't dead yet., Sun 7 Oct 2012, 10:02, 3 replies)

Wanker families living on terraced streets with limited parking, who have a car for dad,
a car for mum and who then go on to buy cars for their precious teenage oiks. Selfish cunts.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 9:05, 6 replies)

Cunts that park on the road when they have their own fucking driveways, thereby denying you a place to park.
My next door neighbour's mum (who lives round the corner) does that. And she's got TWO, yes TWO driveways and garages! Inconsiderate bint.
( P-MONKE We're all fucked, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 9:02, 7 replies)

People queuing who try to get me to serve them before the person I am serving has finished
As soon as I hand them their change the person behind try's to pass me stuff over the person who I've just handed the change to. Give the poor person a chance to put their change in their purse/wallet and pick up their bags. Or saying, "10 L&B mate" before you've even said, "cheers, bye," to the customer you were serving. It's just plain rude and impatient. I deliberately try not to catch the eye of the person in the queue behind now just so they won't do it. Pisses me right off how ignorant it is doing that. Saves them all of 20 seconds the impatient cunts
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 8:55, 4 replies)

Trolly Rage!
You know when someone in a supermarket leaves a trolly in the middle of a isle and stands there reading the ingredients on the back of a pack of sausages or somesuch? No regard for others who might want to pass. Why do people loose all spacial awareness in supermarkets? This normally extends to the carpark too. I want to grab these people and shake them and say "Are you so fucking dumb and ignorant all the time?"
(Beaverman Opulence, I has it., Sun 7 Oct 2012, 8:30, 12 replies)

Any female who puts that Marilyn Monroe quote on their Facebook profile
You know the one.
“I'm selfish, impatient and a little insecure. I make mistakes, I am out of control and at times hard to handle. But if you can't handle me at my worst, then you sure as hell don't deserve me at my best.”

This is just them having an excuse to be irrationally mental
(wehttamman via B3ta for microwave, Sun 7 Oct 2012, 8:03, 5 replies)