Get the kids to do it
My step sister used to have a work from home job putting lables on pencils.
After three months the company stopped sending her pencils and labels.
Turns out the lazy cow had got her three kids to do it for her and they got bored and started just putting the labels on the ones on the top so it looked like the entire box was filled.
Like mother like daughters .
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 10 Sep 2010, 1:05, Reply)

Pattie Factory
My first job out of tech, where i was training to become a mechanic, was at a burger making factory.
I was employed to sit in front of a machine and told to push this button then 4 seconds later push the other button.
The first button started the burger machine and it would squirt a burger out, then the second button would stop the machine so that the conveyor belt could wisk it off to be cooked.

Rinse, repeat, 8 hours a night for 4 months.

Thank god for drugs.
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Fri 10 Sep 2010, 0:45, Reply)

Steam cleaning
I used to work on Sundays at a posh hotel, and my job was to clean up the kitchen after we'd catered for a wedding the night before. I had eight hours to clean all of the walls and the ceiling, before someone would come along at 6pm to inspect (which meant sticking their head in the door and checking that the walls looked wet). The kitchen was part of an annex, so was separate from the main hotel kitchen, where the other kitchen cleaners worked.

A couple of months in, I had the idea of 'steam cleaning' the kitchen. I would turn up at around 10am and fill up a HUGE pan of water (industrial size - I'm talking 160 pints or more). After popping it in the (huge) oven, and turning up the temperature to about 250 degrees, I would retire to the hotel's lake area and watch the ducks for two or three hours. Finally, I would tentatively creep back into the kitchen, edge towards the oven, open the door and RUN for my life's worth. As I ran, the steam would overtake me, so I would have to know where the door was.

After another couple of hours with the ducks, I'd make my way back to the kitchen with a cloth in my hand, sleeves rolled up and ready to be commended, once again, for the "very thorough job - not an inch missed" that I'd achieved. Hooray!
( Norbert Lightowler, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 23:31, 10 replies)

Ooh forgot this one
I once got asked to install a small Windows for Workgroups network for a graphic design company in 'uddersfield just for the accounts and sales peeps. I went in and did the job and then we got chatting about a maintenance contract, so we billed them for £2500, but if it was anything outside that, we'd charge £30 an hour (This was mid 90's). They'd ring me up to do all sorts of numpty stuff like reinstalling Sage or installing Works, so I'd jump in the car, go do the job and then come home. They were on the meter from when I left the house to when I got back. Then they opened an office in Lahnden, so I was there one day a week, sometimes for an hour or so, first class rail at £150 plus however long it took me to get there and back. £450 for an hours work and a train journey reading and eating. There were times when they'd call me for something dead simple and I'd say 'I can talk you through this, save you some money' but they always asked me to go and do it meself. Happy days.
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 23:25, Reply)

Easiest Job?
Probably being paid to provide out of hours network support.

Thing was, no-one bothered to define the service agreement, so phone never rang.

Management sussed this after a couple of years & quietly knocked it on the head.

Oh yeah, and all of the rude sex with supermodels, in space, for NASA, when they paid me off in bullion to keep quiet about it.
(Ronnie Spleen MMMMNEURRGH I AM A GAY SPAZ AND I LOVE IT UP MY BU, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 23:21, Reply)

Swine flu call center
After almost a year unemployed I was fortunate enough to be drafted into the national pandemic flu service, a call center set up to save the people of England from dying of swine flu. I receved a single day of training, then I was set loose to read the flu assessment website to callers, then read the results and find them a collection point. The job itself was easy enough, but as I'm sure you recall, swine flu never really got going.

Over the 8 hour shifts we would get 2-3 calls, the average call was about 5 mins long. This led to lots of free time, which we spent doing the following:
-pictionary
-scrabble
-monopoly
-snap
-black jack (21)
-anouther game called black jack that was entirely different
-bullshit
-poker (being the first to buy a poker set then teach everyone the rules made me popular)
-charades

I also read alot. Here are some of the books I read during my 6 month employment
-watchmen
-Lolita
-Frankenstein
-catch 22
-brave new world
-the great gatsby
-how to drive a tank and outher every day persuites for the modern gentleman
-the dark knight returns
-batman year one
-dune

So as you can see, I was paid to hang out, flirt with girls, chat with some decent people and read some decent books. Going through the odd questionair with members of the public was the only thing to shatter the illusion of being stuck on a rainy holiday with some friends.
(Mong goose, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 23:16, 8 replies)

I clean up left over food
at John Prescott's house.
(Bad Monkey hasn't had an abusive gaz since, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 23:05, 3 replies)

Have it your way.
I set the bar high with my first, part-time, job which was at a motorway service station. I got to stand in a booth, sell the occasional motoring related gift, watch motorsport videos, eat, read magazines, chat to the AA man, people watch, celebrity spot and annoy the fit girl in Sock Shop next door. I could also take advantage of friends who worked in the various catering establishments on the site.

Me: Can I have a ‘Whopper’ meal with Coca-Cola please?

Martin: Yes, that will be 17p please.

Me: Thank you, here is your 17p.

Martin: Thank you, here is your 17p change. Enjoy your meal.

For my 0p, I would, at the very least, end up with one of everything from the grill, a huge bag of fries and four massive soft drinks.
(Mr_Wendel, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 22:54, 4 replies)

Electronics Retail
Whilst at uni, I got a job with a high street electronic component retailer whose name sounds like something to do with "Hi-de-hi". I say components, they just sell shite now.

Anyway, Saturdays were quite hectic in so much as there were actual customers to serve sometimes. The easy bit was the day after.... we were one of the only shops in the city to open on a Sunday, seemingly a decision had been made at head office without anyone thinking about local trends. Not to worry.... we were three young gentlemen in a shop full of gadgets! We could make our own entertainment.

I think the highlight was wandering around the rest of the retail block, unoccupied at the time, wearing night-vision goggles and using the walkie-talkies. Obviously we had to close the store to do that. Or rewiring the store PA system to play any sort of offensive music whilst we "destruction test" the fun looking stuff. Remember those frisbees with the LEDs on the side, displaying messages as they flew? For some reason our stationary display model read "Pissflaps".

Competitions were held, the most popular being "tag the customer" where security tags were stealthily applied to any customers who happened to wander into the store. We could then tut and glare as they set the alarms off on exit.

The best job was going through the returns pile, making sure when it went into the skip it was unusable. This involved using inventive methods to break it, basically.
(Pillock, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 22:41, 2 replies)

I heard an interview on the radio
About a man that used to test out newly developed waterslides at waterparks all over the world, the lucky shit, and he was getting an enourmous amounts of money for it.
(iLLmatic, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 22:11, 5 replies)

I worked as a telesales rep
for an IT distie in the early 90's before I left to do my own thing. One day I bumped into the MD in a supermarket and we got nattering about a certain auction site that I was flogging used laptops on and he asked me if I'd call into his office for a natter about it as he was interested in shifting some of their stuff on there. 4 days later, he's offering me £500 a week plus 5% commission for 'working' 4 hours a day doing what I was doing at home for a LOT less. Piece of piss, easiest money I ever made, somewhere near a grand a week for a part time 'job'...
( His Popiness the Hole Invaded Poland on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 22:10, Reply)

Even a monkey like me could do it!
Soory about this massive post. We were driving around all day in a big wagon on "street repairs". My job? Putting illuminated tape around bollards that had the old ones picked apart by some little shits.
(iLLmatic, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 22:03, Reply)

Working in the Antarctic
I did a few months Down South earlier this year.

While it can be physically demanding; and needs a bit of mental effort to deal with the isolation and limited social life, it's a stunningly beautiful and unique place. "The closest we'll ever get to visiting another planet" as one of my colleagues put it.

Even the dull bits (digging snow... so much snow...) aren't that dull; you only have to look up and think "most people will never see this." And the good bits are very, very good. I got the chance to co-pilot skiplanes; follow whales in a boat; watch seals on the beach; drive skidoos over pristine snow (always at a sensible speed *cough*); go skiing, climbing and mountain walking; and get attacked by skuas (big seabirds who smack into your head when you go near their nests.)

Every day I thought to myself 'Can't believe I'm getting paid for this...' And every day now I think of going back.
(North Utsira South Utsira, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 22:00, 3 replies)

Student Jobs
In college, I had several pretty-easy jobs.

In my first job, defense-industry research folks wanted to know how to design more lethal land mines, so they hired us students to surround buried land mines with rings of metal sheets. After the explosions, we used white spray paint to identify new holes in the metal sheets, so the researchers could tell whether the new land mines put out sufficiently-lethal shrapnel patterns, or not. I liked that job, because I taught myself how to drive large trucks. There were a lot of ignorant students teaching themselves how to operate heavy equipment out there, actually. One student forgot to set the parking brake on an old ambulance, and it tumbled down a steep mountainside. And sometimes we'd sneak into a few tanks, and figure out how to run them too.

The second job featured golf course management, and we had to rake a lot of sand traps. The desert sands there had cement-like properties, and would condense into a smooth, hard surface that was opposed to the intentions of the Scottish inventors of golf. Golfers really liked slipping into the sand traps there. That job wasn't easy, actually. Five minutes after you raked the sand traps, they'd be back to their usual, inpenetrable selves, and we'd have to do it again.

Probably the easiest job was tending a computer lab. I knew nothing about the computers there, so when students complained that the computers were acting strangely, I'd confess complete ignorance. But I'd look at their scribbled code, try to decipher it, and try to put myself in the computer's place: If I was a computer, what wouldn't I like? Sometimes I helped people that way.
(Perv With A Dog had his eyes pecked out by scrub jays on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 21:56, 1 reply)

I pretty much used to B3ta for a living...
Back in the halcyon days of Nu-Meedja 'career' making ringtones. The company I worked for made a shedload on each tone we made, and we worked for some big record labels so there was normally enough work to keep things afloat. Even better, not many people had my unique 'skill' of being able to listen to a song and reproduce it as godawful bleepy midi files. Oh yes, I didn't do a music degree for nothing!

Upshot being I'd been in the industry for five years and made significant progress career-wise. After two of those years I'd exhausted the entire rest of the internet and stumbled upon B3ta. The remaining three years were split between this place, writing music reviews for a fanzine and creating an extensive back catalogue of around 50 - 60 songs, all done on work hours.

All good things must come to an end however and these days no-one buys ringtones anymore. There was a very messy ending with various missing salary cheques etc that ended up in me sending out this welcoming self portrait informing everyone that I was leaving:

click for "Bye folks!" size.
( Sonic James Doom forgetting the date since... umm..., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 21:18, Reply)

Got a blowjob once...
That was pretty easy.
(Vinnie Strokes Got bummed on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 21:16, 1 reply)

Mandy Griffiths
She was 12 stone, wore inch-thick glasses and a big wobbly mole on her neck.

But I was desperate, made her chicken livers sauteed in brandy followed by boeuf en croute, and played Debussy and Rachmaninov to her for an hour afterwards while plying her with a bottle of Rioja.

Easiest 'job ever...
( ousgg is not seeking approval, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 21:14, 4 replies)

Till Monkey
As the title suggests, I'm a till monkey while at uni, as a way of keeping myself supplied with noodles and beer tokens. Apparently however, I'm not allowed to call myself that, as its disrespectful to my colleagues. Its a fair description though, I honestly believe that a monkey could be trained to do my job. As an added bonus, the monkey stands a better chance than me of getting away with screaming and flinging crap at the more problematic customers...

And after a long period of lurking, pop goes the b3tan cherry.
(Apathetic Muppet, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 21:05, Reply)

Bubble wrap, bats & rugby
Two jobs ago (between 1998 and 2003, for that is when I was employed at now-folded company as slave labour) I had to deal with warehouse staff. 

It being a warehouse there was a forklift truck (electric motor - this is important), plenty of empty cardboard boxes, expanding foam and racking two storeys tall. 

The warehouse staff would regularly scramble to the top of the rack and launch themselves off into assorted cardboard boxes which was very funny (I am easily pleased).

One Hallowe'en a rubber glove was filled with expanding foam, given to me to decorate realistically (I failed art GCSE don'tchoo know?) then throughout October it was planted around the building with the aim of causing as many heart attacks as possible. (I am not posting from jail on a manslaughter charge.)

Sheets of large bubble wrap were strewn carefully across the warehouse floor then driven across by the near-silent forklift truck at the most opportune moment with the aim of scaring colleagues, couriers and customers. (See above re manslaughter.)

My next job after that wasn't filled with immediately obvious prank equipment but my, we had some fun dodging the office bat. 

Yes, bat. 

The office was a converted barn with a resident bat who would happily strafe our desks while being chased by my barmy Italian manager. The little shit shat all over my paperwork one afternoon. The bat that is, not the Italian. 

That job also saw me forced to take advantage of a spare, free debenture ticket for the opening 6 Nations match in 2004, Wales v Scotland in Cardiff. Driven there in company Audi, slap-up Chinese dinner, excellent seats and game (Wales won and I'm part Welsh so was really chuffed), and perhaps best of all because the Audi's owner was slightly squiffy, I got to thrash the car back to Southampton on clear roads. Vroooom!

Apologies for length. My current employers blocked the site and it took me an age to get me back into QOTWing via the judicious use of my iphone. 
(Sahara Desert http://www.twitter.com/thesaharadesert for swears, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 21:03, 2 replies)

Sewage!
Student job, not made up.

I worked for Unigate Dairies during the summer of '76. Due to their large use of water, they had their own unit at the Severn Trent sewage farm, in which I was put to work.

"Work" involved sitting for a 12 hour shift watching a dial which measured the ph of the liquid passing through. When the factory released their alkaline effluent, the dial on the monitor hit the red end, and I had to go and release acid into the water trough and swish it round, thus neutralising the alkaline effect, making the liquid fit to be fed into the rest of the sewage works process. Two of us worked 12 hours on, 12 hours off. We never knew what time the effluent was released, it could be any time of the day or night.

It was so boring that I designed a wooden baffle to slot into the trough so that I didn't have to do the swishing (it hurt my arm after all!) The whole work process lasted for a maximum of 20 minutes. The rest of the time we spent sunbathing, reading, learning how to play backgammon and generally living the proverbial Life of Riley!

What's more, my weekly wage was equivalent to my first month as a teacher. down to earth with a bump!
( The Lone Groover has mal des nuts., Thu 9 Sep 2010, 20:55, Reply)

hello
the lead flashing was split and my friend couldn;t be arsed to fix it so i went out on the roof with the gun and flashed the fucker
(slipmatt Thats sooper dooper, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 20:55, Reply)

I'm a......
..civil servant

(thumbs up smiley)
(mooghead, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 20:45, 2 replies)

Well it's not my story
But A guy I know worked at a factory all through the 80's and 90's The factory made beer barrels, but had a military production line in a pile of large sheds out the back to make incendiary bombs in case of war. Now this guy finished his apprenticeship, having worked through the foundry and their machining departments. he then was meant to be assigned to one of the two sections but something went wrong in the paperwork and he didnt, so he used to go in each day, clock in, then wander over to the sheds at the back and go inside then place a chair against the dorr and sleep through the day. At the end he'd clock out and go down the pub. End of each week he'd pick his wages up. all the departments knew he worked there, but thought he must work for someone else. He got away with this for 14 years..
(ceebs, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 20:13, Reply)

Bourne Salads
In factory jobs I have often found that people take the place of machines they can't be bothered to repair.
One scanty English summer (let's face it, that's all there is...although with the polar ice caps and whatnot maybe it's improved. But this was in like 1997) I was told to get a job and ended up working in Bourne Salads - Where Salads come to Die (TM).
I spent 12 hour night shifts standing (because it was a refrigeration section kept at 3 degrees, and sitting probably carried the risk of blood clots or frostbite according to that twat, Mr OH&S) and squeezing bags of salad to make sure they were airtight.
The smell in that factory was like the worst cabbage fart ever.
(spidaminida, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 19:59, Reply)

I get
paid a gazillion pounds a second having supermodels perform oral pleasure in the back of a Honda Accord while jumping over the Atlantic.

In reverse.

And upside-down.
( social hand grenade I was a lurker before you were a lurker, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 19:59, 1 reply)

I got paid £1,200
just for lying on my back and having to see an ugly footballer on the vinegar strokes.

Love,

J.
(rogerzilla, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 19:51, Reply)

Circa 1996/7 - Blue Planet Aquarium
Running round like idiots in a 'Shakey the Shark' costume, tripping kids up, juggling for the queues outside and generally just pissing around.

We used to take it in turns to go into the 'touch pool' where visitors could handle (gently) Dogfish, Rays, Lobsters etc...

Every now and again we (the qualified divers, that weren't in the position of 'diver' *stop laughing) would get into the 880,000gl tank with the sharks and generally tart about with a mackerel waiting for the shark to take it off you, in case you're interested it means waiting for the shark to come towards you at which point you sort of wave it at him/her and just fall backwards and they'd extend their teeth and take it off you.

^this may sound cool and don't get me wrong it was fun, but it was fuck all compared to the attention you'd get walking around in a wetsuit afterwards.....
(Kip, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 19:07, 2 replies)

It's an easy life, doctoring
When I was a brand new doctor I had to do night shifts looking after a single ward in a tiny hospital in Cheshire. The patients were pre selected to be pretty well and had had minor surgical procedures. Of my 12 hour shift I would spend about one hour doing mundane house keeping jobs on the ward, about 4 hours watching telly in the mess and seven hours asleep. Only once in 12 shifts was I ever disturbed from my sleep. In the morning I would get the day shift person to come into my room, I would hand the pager over, tell them that precisely shit all was occurring and roll over and go back to sleep for a couple more hours. I was paid 20 pounds an hour. To sleep. Blinding.
(donksta, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 19:03, 1 reply)

I'm on standby to issue 'Morning After' pills
to Ann Widdecombe
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 18:45, 10 replies)

My cousin is a reality programming writer for MTV
Yes, reality shows have writers, for specific lines, plots, jokes, and ideas. He is also responsible for many jokes on the "I love the --'s" shows. He is proud to be associated with those jersey wastes of sperm for some reason. He loves writing lines for douchebags.
(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Thu 9 Sep 2010, 18:25, 2 replies)