57 varieties
I had sexual intercourse with a tall glass of Heinz baked beans in an attempt to simulate the sensation of a lady's nether parts. I was 14.

The attempt involved standing on my head and jabbing my urgent young tool into the beans, which were cold - even at that age I was aware of health & safety considerations. The sensation was curiously like jabbing one's tool into a glass of cold beans, but I managed to climax all the same.

In later life, obviously, I realised that baked beans were not remotely suitable. Although, to this day, I cannot have sex with my wife without having two slices of toast and some HP next to the bed.

[thanks to Pavlov's Frog for allowing me to contravene company policy and use this site, putting my job in jeopardy.]
(frankspencer, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:16, 20 replies)

Welcome back
You were missed.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:17, closed)

Yes!
Welcome back Frank.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:19, closed)

It
was worth it.
( Bazongaloid, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:19, closed)

*applauds*
A triumphant return!
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:23, closed)

Don't worry Frank, I'll always give you a job.
Just bring the toaster and the HP sauce.
( girlinthehole, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:25, closed)

@Frank
Thanks for putting my job in jeopardy, making me laugh out loud in the office!
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:26, closed)

Hooray!
Frank's back.

That brought a slight smile to my face. Well worth your potential job loss imo.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:29, closed)

Cheers Frank
Glad to be of service - it's good to have you back
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:30, closed)

yay, return of the frank!!!
this has cheered my week right up!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:38, closed)

use
worms instead of beans.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 13:52, closed)

Pah, jobs - who needs them
A welcome return!
( Fireflier La la la la, not listening on, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:00, closed)

dude
How are you bypassing company policy?
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:03, closed)

*glomps Frank*
Hurrah for proxies!

Don't ever leave us again!
( Maladicta, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:09, closed)

In case anyone else is interested
www3.barnesy.org/questions/ will bypass most B3ta blockers
(Pavlov's Frog figures no-one really reads sigs anyway, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:13, closed)

@Pavlov
Ahh i see, an Apache Proxy Pass by the looks of things..

The same as the Proxy i made (http://www.axai.net).

Sweet, good to see you back frank!
( Axai is in Montréal, Canada O.o, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:18, closed)

So come clean Frank
Did you, or did you not, eat the beans afterwards?

...and don't lie, because I'll know.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 14:34, closed)

Hello!
Suddenly the world is a brighter filthier place.
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:01, closed)

Frank
nobs
beans
toast

It's all we need. Hello Frank!
( thealternativefact, Thu 24 Jul 2008, 16:35, closed)

Oh no...
Now I'm never going to be able to eat beans again without thinking about Frank's jizz.

(I'm not gay - honest)
( snee held his breath since, Fri 25 Jul 2008, 8:20, closed)