Probably bin dun.
But heres a pointless experiment for you all to try. (Well all you drivers anyway).

Try breaking with your left foot instead of your right foot.

Some other cool stuff to try in cars when bored:

In an underground car park, try yanking the hand break up to lock your back wheels up. See if you can get a lovely loud echoing squeel.
Also do this on a 30mph road as youre driving past people. Guranteed to make heads turn :)

When driving down a motorway, play boing ball in your lane with the white lines. See how long it takes to get pulled over by the police.

Now this one takes some precise timing and good breaks. But you can make the driver of the car infront of you shit bricks or even run a red light if you fly up behind them and slam breaks on at the last second. When done perfectly youre guaranteed a chuckle :)

If you drive a dark blue volvo estate. Put on a vis jacket, and you'll be suprised at how many speeding motorists suddenly slow down around you :)

Cars are great for experimenting with :)
(Miggyman, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 13:19, 32 replies)

SOOO YOURE
one of those 'last minute BRAKERS? eh?

*rolls up sleeves and gets angry*
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 13:45, closed)

hehe
I like to put the car into reverse at the lights and rev the engine. Once the driver behind realises you are in reverse they shit themselves and honk for ages.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 13:49, closed)

I tried some left-foot braking once
Only problem was, I have a very heavy clutch and therefore a clumpy left foot, so instead of the Stig-like rally car effect I was hoping for, I simply stamped on the brake and nearly came off the road.

Won't be trying that one again in a hurry...
(UXB you said it man. Nobody fucks with the Jesus, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 14:07, closed)

I have a dirty great white van
with an enormous full width steel step on the back that sticks out about 10" from the van.

I have been fantasising for a while about fitting a concealed brake light cut off switch under the dash to teach the cunts who drive too close behind me a short sharp lesson. Turn brake lights off, stand on brakes, laugh at £40k worth of written off Beemer, brake lights back on, maybe clean a bit of paint off the step and that would be it.

Similarly to the first point above, I once got an illegal minicab in London driven by a non-English speaking driver who I seriously doubt had a driving license. It was an automatic Honda Accord and he was driving it with both feet - very jerky ride!

Like that bit in Twins, but funnier, because Twins was shit.
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 14:09, closed)

@Sam
You have to be careful with that sort of thing, as if the bloke behind happened to hit your brakelights (OK, it's unlikely in your situation) and then claimed that they were not working, the police, or the insurance company, would have to investigate. Forensic investigation would conclude that this was the case (they can tell by the oxidation or otherwise of the filament) and they'd probably also find the switch.

But I agree with you in principle. Tailgating gets on my wick too.
( K2k6 has a proper job these days, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 14:16, closed)

Yeah, would need to be proper stealth style
Although i do have a fair few aftermarket mods and switches etc so it would take them a while to find it! And do you really think they'd send forensics to a car crash like that? They'd take one look at the tosser in the 5 series and probably conclude he was on the phone or summat.

I try not to drive too close behind people meself but it's a standard white van tactic. Always laugh at the people who pull over and let you past cos they think you're being an arse. (For those of you that don't drive vans, the main reason van drivers get right up your arse before they overtake is the visibility is so much better, you don't have to hang back to see if it's safe to go for it)

My other secret weapon is orange flashing lights on top and those stripy red/yellow chevrons on back doors. Stick a hard hat/hi vis jacket/clipboard on the dash, whack the orange lights on and the hard shoulder/verge becomes your traffic jam overtaking lane!

(Disclaimer: this is almost certainly illegal. But I fucking hate traffic jams)
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 14:27, closed)

hooray
... let's increase the raod accident rate, and subsequent injury and death toll.

Fuckwits.
(haberman is singing in the changes, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 14:28, closed)

Hooray
Let's be a sanctimonious whinging cunt on a popular humour based message board.

I spose you work in health and safety then?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 14:30, closed)

It happened to my driving instructor once...
...apparently one of his pupils, when told to slow down, pressed the brake with his left foot.

"So," asked my instructor, "if you're pressing the brake with your left foot, how will you push the clutch down when you want to stop?"
The student replied, "I'll use my right foot."

To the best of our knowledge, this student was not a contortionist, sat in the driving seat backwards, in a left-hand drive car or that back-to-front freak from The Raggy Dolls.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 14:35, closed)

@ Sam

I wish I could clicky that reply!
( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 14:43, closed)

lol @ Sam.
I wish i could clicky that reply. Tho that sort of response from the earlier poster is more in line of what you'd expect on digitalspy.co.uk general forums :)


Talking of tailgating, heres the three step method guaranteed to get rid of them. Works well if you have a much more powerful car than they have.

Number 1. Ease off the accelerator slowing them down, then floor it and put a huge gap between you.

If they catchyou back up and continue to tailgate then Apply break lightly to slow them down to an almost crawl, then floor it and put a huge gap between you. Just as youre leaving flash hazard lights.

If the cheeky twat comes back for more abuse, then flash hazard lights as a final warning. and if he doesnt lay off then slam break as hard as possible, keep an eye on the rear view mirro and just as he's about to hit you then down gear and floor accelerator again. Added bonus points if he skids off the road :)
(Miggyman, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 14:52, closed)

This sort of story is what I'd expect on that popular website "ChavvyIdiotMotorheads.com"
rather than a popular internet humour site.

Seriously, if I saw anyone do half the things you suggest I'd call the police - for their safety and that of others they need their licences taken away.

Cars are not fucking toys, grow up before you kill someone.
( chenobble rocking his explorer beard on, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 16:20, closed)

tailgaters
I found the best method to deal with tailgaters without causing an accident was to press down the brake pedal slightly, so that its far enough to trigger the lights, but not far enough to actually cause you to brake, and repeat this randomly to cause them to become uncertain of what your about to do.

never failed me once
(randomer has a 20 sided die with your name on it, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 16:21, closed)

Sam
Unless you were driving a big truck or a bus the 40k Beemer would go through you like you wern't there.

Even with a step on the back.
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 16:26, closed)

Yeah, I'm sure it would
Given I have a van with a GVW of 4.3 tonnes (and it's usually full), which is more than twice the weight of almost any BMW. In fact it's probably twice the weight of an X5 even (can't be arsed to look it up).

If I slammed the brakes on @ 30-40mph the step on the back of my van would probably nearly make it to the Beemer's windscreen. I might get jolted forward a bit but I can assure you the damage would be to the BMW...

You drive a Beemer then?
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 16:32, closed)

What I should have said is
That this Beemer driver would go through you as if you wern't there.

If some fool pulled a stunt like you describe on me, I would consider it to be an attempt on my familys life, and would take the necessary remedial action to make sure the threat was neutralised asap.
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 16:52, closed)

Further proof about the character of BMW drivers then
@ EVERYONE TAKING THIS SERIOUSLY- LIGHTEN UP!

Now for a serious question: are wankers attracted to buying BMWs, or do they only become wankers after they buy them? (not to mention humourless pricks)

Answers on a postcard to the usual address

(oh, and by 'remedial action' you mean try and drive through a van twice the size of your car? Good luck to ya. I think it's you that's remedial, not your actions)
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 16:57, closed)

I find there are a high degree of tossers in BMWs
But not nearly as many as the ones in white vans.
( chenobble rocking his explorer beard on, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 17:05, closed)

But many more white vans are sold than BMWs
Thus rendering your analysis useless. (trying to drag this back on topic to experiments!)
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 17:09, closed)

@RadG... a.k.a Jason Bourne's mentally challenged younger brother.
I don't drive a BMW or a white van but you definitely sound like a cunt.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 17:12, closed)

Sam
I am one of the nicest guys you could ever meet. Seriously. I am seriously laid back, have not worn a tie for 20 years (or shirt with collar come to think of it) since I got married and have hair down to my arse.

Very little in life makes it over my aggro radar.

Apart from 2 things.

Any perceived threat to my family, or peaple prejudging me.

Just because I choose to drive a certain type of car, you do me a disservice and prejudge me to the extent that you mock me and belittle the importance of my saftey and well being compared to those who choose another brand of car.

If you think all BMW drivers are wankers, then that is your choice. Hang on .... is there a theme coming out here ... you drive a white van, think all BMW drivers are wankers .... do you read the Sun and think its time to ship all the darkies back home too?

Or is that just me being unfair, making assumptions and sterotyping you.

Not nice is it. Not bloody nice at all.
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 17:19, closed)

Nope, I'm a socialist Guardian reader
But you are confirming my hypothesis (yay, another experimental term for this QOTW!) more and more with every post.

If you are unable to understand humour I would suggest that this is the wrong website for you.

I will point out that I didn't 'threaten your family's safety', I mentioned a BMW in my first reply and you jumped down my throat. You're obviously precious about your preferred brand of penis substitute.

Fuck's sake, this is the website I visit when I don't want to be serious!
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 17:21, closed)

@RadG
"If some fool pulled a stunt like you describe on me, I would consider it to be an attempt on my familys life, and would take the necessary remedial action to make sure the threat was neutralised asap."

I have just put this quote on my corporate intranet. It's the funniest thing I have read in ages. Who on earth do you think you are?
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 17:23, closed)

You know
It is possible to be a socialist without a chip on your shoulder these days.

And some of the nicest socialists I know drive a BMW. (only the poor ones, the rest of them drive Mercs!)

Sense of humour ... fair point ... hard day at work ... over reaction.

I'll go cheer myself up by reading the Guardians online bloggers. They always make me laugh ;)
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 17:29, closed)

Does anyone remember what RadG's profile looked like yesterday?
I have a suspicion that the line

'Possibly the nicest man ever known to drive a BMW 7 series.'

has just been edited in lol
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 17:29, closed)

No Sam
It has been a part of my profile for quite some time.

OK. I came in hard, sense of humour failure after a long hard day at work. Apologies for that not your fault at all.

But like I said, when peaple prejudge me its one of the very few things that makes me see red.

Arguing on the internet just makes us both look like retards so you have my apology for my part.
( RadG Drinking Mojitos in the sun, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 17:56, closed)

...
I drive a Skoda.
(oneltrchardonnay, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 20:36, closed)

I always thought
Audi drivers were the worst

MMMMWAHAHAHAHAHAHA
(magic the cat will someone please think of the kittens, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 21:09, closed)

Apology accepted RadG
And try and see the funny side of things in future!

PS If you ever fancy putting your car (with or without the kids in the back) up against 4 tonne of XLWB van, gaz me, we'll see who's got the hardest motor...

(I feel I should point out that the above was a JOKE before you start getting irate again)

Sam

(will make sure he gives any tailgating 7 series the finger wherever possible)
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 22:22, closed)

What's even more annoying...
... is twats that sit six inches off your back bumper clearly going "ZOMG THAT CAR IS OLDER THAN MINE I MUST OVERTAKE", get in front, and then *slow down*, usually to about 5mph below the speed you were doing in the first place!

@RadG - I've been hit from behind by an E38 7-series. End result - one 1989 Citroen XM with a broken tail light and badly scratched rear bumper, and a slightly bent towbar, and one scrapped 2001 BMW 730i with the engine somewhere under the driver's feet. And yes, he was tailgating me, and yes, he was on the phone, and yes I did brake sharply to avoid the twat in the Montego who pulled out in front of me without looking.

Length? About 3' less, after they got it off the towball.
(gordonjcp, Wed 30 Jul 2008, 23:38, closed)

WTF?
I read this the whole way through, thought that both RadG and Sam-I-am were taking it a bit over the top, but when RadG backs down and apologises, Sam's acceptance is to inform him that he will be giving the finger to every 7 series driver in the future, obviously in the hope that he's getting RadG?

Strangest acceptance I've ever seen.

(I would like to make it clear that I hold nothing against either party and am only making an observation about sam's last post.)
(misskitty reeks of sex and turpentine; laudanum afternoons, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 5:34, closed)

I'll repeat it again
I don't see why people come on here if they can't understand humour...

I'm someone who is virtually unable to communicate without large amounts of heavy sarcasm, cynicism and abuse - it comes over better in person than on a plain text message board, I'll admit that.

Sam

(who has never had, caused, or been slightly involved in an accident on the roads.)
(Son of Sam-i-am We're all as mad as hatters here, Thu 31 Jul 2008, 5:54, closed)