I'm an expert...
at doing feck all work.
Which might explain why I failed my uni final year project. And why I haven't applied for any jobs yet. And why my CV is still only half-written. Whoopsies...
(I Poke Penguins but only if they consent first, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 17:59, Reply)

I'm an expert at getting cheap, last minute travel & entertainment deals.
Last year, I flew to New York and only had 4 days to get a ticket. The nearer you get to your flight, ticket prices go way up. Managed to do it on $200 (from California).
On Sunday, I'm coming back to the UK for a few weeks, I booked my ticket yesterday - $300.

Went to go see Evita - booked the ticket 3 days beforehand. $65 for 2nd to front row (those seats were $120). Went to see Mamma Mia! - 4 tickets (14 rows from the front) at the last minute were $28 each. Went to see Erasure - got in free 'cos my friend works there.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 17:55, Reply)

Spelling... continued
Valid points people... Rumand Coke, you make me giggle and Ive voted for you...you pedant!! :)

Please note statement regarding dyslexia... I've got the spelling bit sorted, but My grammar tends to reflect the spoken accent from the area i grew up in... hence "There's two I's in Aluminium". Incidentally, It was meant to read "I's" so you didn't mistake it for a capitalised 'is'. ;o)

apart from that... flame on!! :)

Grumble: never said I was an expert... but thanks for pointing out the ikkle errors.
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 29 Jun 2005, 17:44, Reply)

Most things
Forensics, Quantum Physics, masturbation, Ballistics, Medicine, computing, gaming, the list goes on. Unfortunately, all of the knowledge is at the moment useless. Oh well.
(sqrrl101, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 17:34, Reply)

I'm an
expert at wanking.

I've had a lot of practice, and aim to get more.

In fact, I'm wanking as i write.



( F5 F5 F5 Can't be arsed., Wed 29 Jun 2005, 17:27, Reply)

yum yum
Im an expert in killing and eating things. There's room on my island for sluts.
(cripps-zoid The rabbit buffer, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 17:26, Reply)

Pissing like a ninja
Because of the Nazi nature of meine Mutter, she won't let me stay up all night on the family computer, insisting I go to "bed" at about 11pm. I piss about on the computer in my room for a few hours (which is modestly brilliant, but cannot run Half Life 2 or CS:S), then sneak downstairs (a harrowing adventure if there ever was one).

After these downstairs excursions, I have to pee like a madman. I have perfected the art of pissing like a ninja (ie. totally silently) so as not to wake the Fuhrer. The trick is to aim it so that it hits the most vertical part of the bowl, but not the water. Unfortunately the most vertical part of the bowl is right next to the water, which makes this truly an artform.

Well, no, it doesn't, but it's a useful skill to put on your CV: Can piss silently in any situation.

Further to this, I am an expert at thinking up airtight, bulletproof excuses as to why I haven't done work. Failing that, I am also an expert at physically hiding under items of furniture to avoid teachers.

The length thing is getting annoying, but at least it's encouraging some people to think.
(youthink, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 17:03, Reply)

I'm an expert
..at slipping the word cunt into conversation.

'Alright Mum, what's for tea you cunt?'

See.
(Fonkadelix is fucking bored, pass the crack pipe Mavis., Wed 29 Jun 2005, 17:01, Reply)

i am an expert at...
UK birdlife. I was obsessed when a child, so can usually name any bird or identify it from it's call. I am currently enamoured with crows.

Not an expert, but I'm quite good at:
Drawing
Remembering the year a song was released
Working technology (PCs, Macs, phones)
Procrastinating and dreaming. I can waste an entire day without breaking a sweat. And I can do it over and over.

However I can't remember people's names, or any task I am given to do.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 16:23, Reply)

My girlfriend
is an expert in writing lists of stuff I need to do. She just loves writing lists. When she finds out I've been writing on B3TA I'm sure she'll add it to another list probably entitled 'Things that bastard did while avoiding working through my earlier lists'. sigh.
( sneep used to date Freddie Starr's hamster, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 15:57, Reply)

Ginger Hobbit's Pooey Eggs
Ginge, I have to agree that this is the daddy of all poultry-ovulate repasts. Especially with Marmite. And loads of Salt & Pepper.

Although we never called it Poo Eggs, we tend to stick with 'Eggs on Toast'. I think it's punchier :o)
( B00gle-H00ps Looks like a horse, in a man costume..., Wed 29 Jun 2005, 15:25, Reply)

mistafeesh
trap her in a windowless room for 36 hours, the we'll see ;)
(bloodyHassocks, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 15:16, Reply)

Humpty Dumpty.
Whilst you obviously care a great deal about spelling (and rightly so), you display no regard for correct usage of grammar.

"there's 2 I's in it"

"there's" means "there is". I believe "there are" would be more appropriate in your sentence.

Additionally, plurals do not require (as a general rule) an apostrophe and 'I's' certainly doesn't.

You should also watch the capitalisation words in the middle of sentences that aren't proper nouns - should've been past habits like that at about 6.

I don't think I'd call myself an expert; I'm merely a pedant.
(rumandcoke, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 15:15, Reply)

I am an expert pisser
I can always aim my piss perfectly and I never splash. I'm very proud of this - rightly so.
(teasus likes tea, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 15:01, Reply)

bloodyHassocks -
my wife can do that too. She used to pretend she was working it out by the position of the sun or moon to get extra cred!
(teasus likes tea, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 14:56, Reply)

attracting and repelling nutbags
I am one of those people who will always get the anti-social socialite coming up to them and trying to start a 'conversation' (rant, intimidation or whatever), but I have developed an almost-as-spooky talent for letting them know that all I want in the world is for them to fuck off without actually having to say so, and that I may be prepared to kill to see that it happens. It usually works...
(bloodyHassocks, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 14:46, Reply)

if my dissertation is to be believed
I'm an expert on the ways in which science fiction may or may not influence the development of future technology.

(The short answer is that it doesn't affect the techie part of the process much but it does the marketingy types who decide what should actually reach the consumer and how)

Who says a fashion degree is utterly useless?
(sticks Errol flynn in female form, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 14:41, Reply)

scentless apprentice...
What is the name of Coventry's Stadium...no googling.
(dukefukem, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 14:30, Reply)

telling the time by gut
I can do it, I haven't worn a watch for years. Wether its time of day or amount of time since you last asked, I'm your man.

it's 20 past 2.

see?
(bloodyHassocks, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 14:22, Reply)

Now, there was no need for that....
There was no need for making me join your forum, then making me wait almost a week before I could post to QOTW, then closing the QOTW that I wanted to post to in the first place, thereby forcing me to write to this QOTW instead to moan and whine like a prissy schoolgirl...

(AND I had thought up a great story from when I was fifteen about getting a rancid warty growth right between my eyes, going to the surgery to get it removed, having a local anaesthetic injection right in it, having it burnt off with a glorified soldering iron, then wandering around with a lopsided face and what looked like a cigarette burn on my forehead after being told by the leering doctor to say to the girls that it was a duelling scar. Now, there was no need for that, tosser.)

... so I guess I'm an expert at writing irrelevant rubbish in completely innappropriate places.

---
(martianrobot, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 14:03, Reply)

My mates an expert in one liners...
Like last week when one of his lazy employees phones in to take a day off and he said 'take the rest of your life off, your f*cking fired'
Or when in an argument with a bloke whose wife decided to express her views so he told the husband to 'muzzle the bitch'.

Helps that he's 6 foot tall, 16 stone and hard as nails mind
(ElGatodeBarco, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 14:02, Reply)

I'm not a birdie expert...
In response to "snipe isn't a duck"

For intellegent people:
n. snipe or snipes
Any of various long-billed shore birds of the genus Gallinago or Capella, related to the woodcocks and sandpipers, especially the common, widely distributed species G. gallinago or C. gallinago.
Any of various similar or related birds.

For the others:
Snipe: Bird: has wings, rather speedy, can be shot if you are a bit spiffy with a rifle. Feeds near/in water. (a bit like a duck)

*************

I am actually aware that they're not ducks, But I thought I'd generalise and make it easy for the people Who say "Donut". ;o)
( Humpty Dumpty was Pushed Is unaware of having any limits., Wed 29 Jun 2005, 13:44, Reply)

expert witness
I'm an expert witness in graphics, whatever that means
(salleyman, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 13:34, Reply)

Aluminium or Aluminum ???
Well folks i'll tell you, seeing as i'm an expert and all...

Aluminium with its 13 protons it the most recently discovered metal in common use. It was discovered in early 1800's by Sir Humphrey Davy (yes that guy who invented the mining lamp). He wanted to call it Alumium but for some reason it became Aluminum.... Yay i can here the Americans shouting!... well not quite. Aluminium was then chosen by International Chemist societies as it followed suit with other elements which ended in 'ium'. Caesium, Potassium, Gadolinium, etc. 50 years after its discovery both names were in regular use. The patent for the company that started producing Aluminium for commercial use was taken out with the name Aluminium. Their company then changed name to something else (without aluminium in the title) and for some reason the name Aluminum was used more and more in the states... In the 1920's the American Chemisty Society starting using Aluminum in all its publications, whilst the rest of the world generally use the extra I (Aluminium). Both names are therefore correct. So next time you hear an American say "Aluminum" remember its not there fault there just stupid :)

feel free to explain this to people at parties.. they'll love to sit and listen about shiny metals all day.
My joy is in spreading my expertise or have i just told you all a load of b*ll*cks ?!?!?! Mowahaahaa haa hhaaaa haaa etc.
(The Duke of Pontefract, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 13:30, Reply)

refraining from twunting....
...the bunch of arse's im forced to work with.


i need a new job.
(inspoken, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 13:26, Reply)

Snipe??
All in all i like your post, but i am very sorry to tell you that a snipe is NOT a duck. Fast they are, but Duck they are not-bad luck mate.
(white_mans_afro, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 13:20, Reply)

doogie howser
I can play doogie howser on the piano, upside down and blindfolded like Mozart in the film "Amadeus".
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 12:56, Reply)

back when i worked at a supermarket..
i was an expert in playing 'product lucky dip'. when ever ANYONE asks you what 'xxx' goes with 'xxx', just guess! when i started (age 17) i worked in the bws (beers wines and spirits) isle, which is a killer for this kinda thing, as lots of people come in ready to cook a special meal and want a good wine to go with it. particularly men. particularly on valentines/mothers day. anyways, if someone asked me what wine went with venison (or similar) i would look at them, estimate how much they wanna spend (£3-4 for yer average chav, up to 8 for a young professional, anything for anyone over 35) and pick a bottle in that price range. then make something up about it complimenting something. mostly it was entirely random, but on a mission the week before valentines day, i managed to clear out all 11 remaining bottles (i'd broken one) of some random expensive wine that we'd had in stock for about 3 years (not a single one purchased in that time). god knows what most of them tasted like, but very occasionally i'd get someone saying 'you reccomended 'xx' to me last week and it was delicious, what should i have with xxxxx' - it seems that even with 500 odd different types of wine, i'd occasionally get it right :)

appologies for the length of the dimple in teh bottle of a wine bottle. while it doesnt make the wine more expensive, apparently more expensive wines *do* have it. why someone doesnt just make some chavtastic wine for £3, stick a big dimple in it and charge double i'll never know..
(5lab, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 12:36, Reply)

FAO: Mr Moose and feelslikehome
I can do the wobbley eye thing but not as good as I used to when I was younger so my advice to the pair of you is keep doing it or you'll loose your special power and have to resort back to being meer mortals. I can still do it with my eyes crossed so I think I'm more of an expert than you two!!

There may be speeling mistakes but you get the idea so I dont care!
(xlux, Wed 29 Jun 2005, 12:36, Reply)