Being a bit obsessive compulsive (among other minor, undiagnosed psychological problems)
I often develop a temporary tick where a consonant gets stuck in my mouth, and the only way to exorcise the damned syllable is to pronounce it on the front of random words as sharply as possible. It happens as a result of accidentally dropping a letter from a word when speaking.

Real example:

"Yeah, I just got back from her 'raduation ceremony...er, graduation.

Grad. Grack. Grab. GRASP, grat, grack, gradient, grade, grrrrrrAACK."

It can go on for hours. Oh, but GOD is it satisfying when it finally goes away. Like a really good sneeze.
( Digeridude Lord Wellington's Beef Trapeze, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 19:05, 1 reply)

i blame the simpsons entirely
i'm sure me and my sister aren't the only ones who do this.
every time we hear the song Sweet Dreams by Eurythmics, we have to sing "i am watching you through a camera!" a la Artie Ziff
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 18:45, 11 replies)

One day as we were driving
the Lunatic Artist and I were listening to Frank Zappa's "Apostrophe" and laughing at it as we went. We got through "Yellow Snow" and were listening to "Nanook Rubs It" when she stirred restlessly in her seat and announced, "I gotta pee."

This came just after the part in the song where Nanook has rubbed yellow snow into the eyes of the seal hunter who stands there blinded in the tundra with arms outstretched and says, "I can't see." And in the background someone sings "buh doe be doe boe boe boe."

From that point forth whenever someone announced that they needed to pee, one of us would go "buh doe be doe boe boe boe."

I did that to my daughter the other day.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 21 Nov 2008, 18:26, 1 reply)

pinky
Me and my girlfriend have this thing that if you make a pinky promise (hold each others pinky) U HAVE TO DO IT.

If you don't u get to break there pinky.


SO far no PINKYS have been hurt
(Bermuda_import Beach party this weekend, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 18:07, 13 replies)

a friend of mine
his family have ALL dyed their hair when they were 16. no particualr reason, they just all did. all but his second-to-oldest sister have returned to their normal colouring. my friend dyed it when he was 12, going properly emo. eventually he got buzzed and his hair grew back as it's old colouring.
(venort apparently exists, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 17:53, 1 reply)

best of 3
rock, paper, scissors.
Decides absolutely everything in my household.
Honestly it's ridiculous, since the age of 18, every christmas i play with it with my dad to decide if i move out or not. I know he means it aswell! i've been lucky so far. made it to 22.

ooooo first post. i had to join. i love this site wheeley much.
(broadhead, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 17:53, 5 replies)

new years
A little ritual that has passed on from my dads side of the family (the irish side)...

Within 5 minutes of the new year rolling round, the youngest and "darkest" of the males in the household has the duty of stepping out the front door of the house with a slice/loaf of bread and a piece of cole. THEN he is supposed to repeatedly bang the bread on the side of the house next to the door... leave the bread outside and take the lump of cole back in and place it on the mantlepiece.

Being the youngest and "darkest" in the household, and the fact i left whatever new years party i was at last year early, it was my job to do this ritual new years 2008.

So if you see anyone banging bread outside there house at about 12.03 new years day, i'm not mental, im just Irish.

Cheers.
(arse_biscuit, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 17:35, 6 replies)

Xmas foot prints
After putting extra presents under the christmas tree that have been hidden from the children and late on Christmas eve, my father gets out his old army boots, steps in copious baby powder then strides from the fireplace to the christmas tree and back again. The children wake up and come down excited for xmas to begin and with eyes as big as saucers and just stare stunned at the footprints Santa Clause has left.
- He's been doing it now for over 30 years and now the grandchildren love it.
(xianstudio, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 17:29, 2 replies)

similar to one below
can be watching anything on tv, film, comedy, even the news

Dad walks in, doesn't look at screen: "what's this crap?"
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 17:28, 3 replies)

my dad
i can be watching any movie: star wars, harry potter, eraserhead, you name it. If he walks in the room during any movie, he'll look at the screen for two seconds, then announce 'True story, this.'
( the brass moustache putting the ass moust in brache since, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 17:18, 3 replies)

Thumbs
I have no idea where this came from, but now whenever my five-year-old son and I agree on anything, we both do a thumbs up and then touch them together.

Does anyone else do that?



I hope so.
(Sir Harrington Titsmith disgraced himself on, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 17:07, 3 replies)

Simple really
We all sit around pretending we don't hate each other.

Maybe hate is a bit too strong a word, but you get the picture.

For example this Christmas, I shall probably (barring a massive family argument, which given that as I mentioned previously we don't like each other, isn't all that unlikely) refrain from shouting at my dear old mum...

"You fucking mental bitch, you are a terrible mother. You tried to dominate my life because you had no control over your own shitty existence. You fucked my brother-up completely by barely acknowledging him through his infancy because he reminded you of your ex-husband. You mollycoddle the youngest brother to the point where he is a gibbering wreck and my other brother is only not fucked up because you actually held down job for a few years while he was young, meaning my step-dad who you seem intent on breaking mentally looked after him in his formative years!"

And in return, she wont shout at me, while throwing household objects.

"You are useless failure, you spoilt little shit. I gave up my career to have you, you ruined my life and made fat. I could have had the world on a platter if I had just done what my friends said and got an abortion. You are a useless slimy weasel of a man just like your father! You will never amount to anything because you are a lazy pathetic wank stain!"

Nope, we shall not say these things. We shall watch various Xmas specials on TV, eat like the fat wasteful gluttons we are and quietly seethe with resentment probably giving us all brain tumors and piles.

Ho ho fucking ho, Merry fucking Christmas!
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:41, 9 replies)

Threes and Twos
When walking down the street it is IMPERATIVE to not walk all the way across a set of 3 man hole covers (coming out the side of a 3 doesn't count), this will only result in disaster. However walking across a set of 2 will bring you a dose of good luck as strong as a tiny, tiny chilli (seeds and all).

The mighty 2's also have the power to negate the evils brought on by having walked across a 3, but virtue of a cruel twist of pedestrian traffic or sheer stupidity.

Introduced to me by a friend, but spread to my siblings and still alive and well.

Beware the 3's and covet the 2's.
(babydad, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:38, 9 replies)

cause really why are you announcing it?
Anytime, ever, someone says "I'm going to the bathroom..." as they get up to leave the room.

One of my family members will reply, deadpan "I'll alert the media."

Cause everyone should know, right? that's why you told *us*, right?

This has never to my knowledge broken anyone of the habit of announcing their impending travels to loo land, except possibly for me.
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:34, 5 replies)

Toilet Humour
Toilet humour seems to run in our family. every morning when my dad goes to the toilet he marches up the stairs announcing 'BY HECK, I THINK I'LL HAVE A GEORGE' (for some reason he explained some time ago he calles having a dump 'taking a george'. then when he gets out he loudly declares things like 'Thats a load off my mind'. this happens EVERY. MORNING.

and for some reason everyone in our family has really stinky poos and farts a lot.

also first post, yay!
(Floater, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:33, 5 replies)

How many sandwiches do you want?
In our house it got tedious asking how many sandwiches you wanted by defining a sandwich as two slices of bread with filling - is that one sandwich or, because it is always cut into two (oblongs not triangles - we're not southerners) does it make two sandwiches. And what if you cut it into four for the little 'uns?

So now we answer that question by stating simply the number of slices of bread that will go into making you chosen amount of sandwich goodness.
(karnuvap, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:23, 5 replies)

not technically family
But mr tulip and I have established a tradition whereby any resident (i.e. either me or him) must announce their return to the rest of the household (i.e. either me or him) by blowing enormous raspberries on crossing the threshold.

Even if company's about.

Slightly less childish and much more pleasant - if it's your birthday, we'll ring you up and sing Happy Birthday at you, deliberately off-key, followed by some sort of rugby anthem.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:23, Reply)

Ying-tong-iddle-i-po!
Must be used to answer the telephone in lieu of knowing the number.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:10, Reply)

Flicking the Vs
Just remembered the best one: after being given a bollocking, me and my sis would be sent upstairs, and the tradition started of flicking the Vs in the direction of our parents as soon as we were out of sight. We confessed to our parents in our twenties, and now the whole family does it when someone's being a boring wanker. Works especially on the stairs. Classy.
(picmaestress, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:09, Reply)

"You're saying it wrong"
RSole's story of the binoculars below reminded me of my old mate Paul Groves. When we were young he was obsessed with vampires, and Dracula in particular. Problem was, for some reason he was unable to pronounce "Dracula", rendering it "Draclear".

This annoyed my 9 year old self rather a lot, so I decided to train him in the proper way to say it. I still remember the first training session, sitting on the floor in front of the television surrounded by video cassettes:

"Shall we put Draclear on?"
"It's not 'Draclear', it's 'Dracula'"
"Draclear?"
"Dracula."
"... Draclear?"
"Dracul - look, say after me: Drac"
"Drac"
"Yooo"
"Yooo"
"Laaa"
"Laaa"
"Dracula!"
"Draclear!"
"NO! NO! NO! NO! NO! Listen: Drac"
"Drac"
"Yooo"
"Yooo"
"Laaa"
"Laaa"
"Drac-U-Laaa, see?"
And Paul, brow furrowed with effort and, I suspect, confusion, managed
"Drac-U-Laaaaa!"

Result!

Except, he never really quite got a handle on it, and from then on when approaching the word "Dracula" in conversation (as you do when you're nine), he would pause briefly then carefully enunciate "Drac-U-Laaaaa"

In short order this transferred to family folklore and thus regular usage, with "Draclear" and "Drac-U-Laaaaa" being used interchangably. As ever with this sort of thing, you tend to forget when outside the family and get funny looks as people decide whether to correct you or not. I've occasionally wondered since whether that's how Paul got started on the whole thing in the first place.
(richardm, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:05, 2 replies)

.
every day after work, my dad used to come in and say, "what's fresh?" oh he was so hip and cool. and every day i would answer, "peas and carrots"
cos im a sarcy little shit.
(fernbrittonsexcessskin will give a shit later, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:02, Reply)

Technically Not Family
..as we are only of the engaged, but Ms Grouch and I have already developed quite a few rituals.

1. We now choose what we are going to have for dinner through the medium of interpretative dance. The one for Mashed Potatoes is particularly impressive. Verbal discussion is no longer possible.

2. Should Ms Grouch be annoying, I will put something she needs in a Very High Place. For instance, the biscuits on top of the cupboard (she is not tall; I am). Conversely, if I am annoying her, she will mention the wedding. Or children.

3. As if further proof that we are made for each other was needed, neither of us can get up until one of us has broken wind noisily. The other person has to answer with the first three bars of 'morning has broken'.

Romance is alive and well in Woking, I can assure you...
( Grouch would quite like his clients to stop being numptys, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 16:01, 3 replies)

Words as rituals

Dooshkadoo – said quietly while walking along, while happy

Nutbutler – an idiot. Can also be used as a verb.

Bestings – Money. From ‘best in fives’, no idea where my sister got this as a toddler, but she was apparently insistent that was the phrase for money.

Betterfit – short for ‘it would be better if’ – ‘betterfit we had a quicker way to work’

Triangle – mispronounced mysteriously in a French accent by unfortunate sister as a teenager, now used as a trump card in a disagreement with her, even by senior family members.


When holding my mum’s hand when little, she would shoot my arm up in the air and hold it there while loudly and publicly saying how naughty I was for holding my arm up and not letting it down. She’s getting dafter too.

Just before me and the old man got married, his Grandpa asked his brother if we were well suited. His reply was that it was hard to tell because we spent most of the time with each other crouched on the floor laughing so hard we couldn’t speak. His Grandpa was apparently very happy with that. Two very silly families, united in our love of taking the piss. Aw.
(picmaestress, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 15:58, 1 reply)

Family codes and rituals
Whenever anything vaguely related to sex came on the TV, my Mum would shout 'Cushions!' and my sisters and I would all have to cover our faces with a cushion. Not only was this rather embarrassing as you could still hear the people having sex, but I now have an irrational hatred of cushions and see them as a form of censorship.
(tharg99, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 15:55, Reply)

Hurry Up!
Spikeypickles earlier story of putting his kid to bed has reminded me of a little night time routine we used to have at our house until I totally ruined it.

Way back in the mists of time when my eldest was still an only child and still in nappies my wife would easily get him to sleep by gently rocking him while singing somewhere over the rainbow, a family tradition on her side.

This routine was ruined at our place after ‘the Rainbow Island incident’.

One Saturday afternoon my other half decided to pop out shopping while I stopped at home and entertained my son. Bison Jnr was teething and was in a very grumpy mood, I had tried to calm him down with a bottle and rock him from side to side while singing the instrumental version of somewhere over the rainbow and this seemed to stop him crying temporarily......until I realised that my brain was using the rendition of the song was the one used on the Amiga game Rainbow Island (For those who have no idea about the game, it was a platform game about two kids that had the ability to fire rainbows who had to work their way up the screen and avoid the ever rising water level. The levels had a time limit and when the time was running out the music would quicken in pace, making you jump as fast as possible before the water level killed you.)

I therefore reached a point where I stopped, made the warning sound and increased the speed of my singing and the speed of which I was rocking him. My son loved it and laughed his ass off all afternoon, but the whole night-time routine was ruined after that as every time my son hears somewhere over the rainbow he makes the warning sound and expected you to swing him round as fast as possible.

Nowadays whenever we hear that song my eldest will still do the warning sound.
(mon bison powered by magnets, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 15:43, 2 replies)

beginnings
Every stripper scene in a movie...

Every time a woman kicked ass and took names on tv, posing afterward covered in blood and bosom heaving...

Every cheap and tawdry sex scene in some back alley, motel room or prostitute laden opium house...

My father would say "And that boys, was how I met your mother."
( Allisade would love to hear from you, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 15:30, 5 replies)

Dad
and his brother used to have several rituals.

1. they got a small model of John Wayne in a cornflakes packet when they were younger, which they spent 11 years hiding in various places around their house - whoever found it had to hide it next - as they were at boarding school, it could be months before it was moved. Apparently the best was when they hid it in the jaws of a stuffed crocodile my grandmother kept in the fireplace, it managed 5 months undetected.

2. Whilst at school (and then once dad went to uni), they would write to eachother, but the challenge was to reuse the letter and envelope as many times as possible, i.e. by writing in a different colour of ink, by writing at a slant, by merely writing between the lines. This could go on for months, and my mother witnessed it a few times when she was first dating dad.

3. Once they got a bit older, whenever my grandmother was being dull (i.e. discussing interest rates at the christmas dinner table, or droning on and fucking on about politics during a family gathering), dad and my uncle would just pick up her chair, with her in it, and move her to a different room, without any signal to the other that they planned it. Dad still does that when my sister is getting pretentious and arty too, although it's now extended to putting her in an empty rubbish bin.
( ascorbate, Fri 21 Nov 2008, 15:15, 1 reply)

Watching Morecambe & Wise
Every Christmas.

Brilliant!
(outofkey "iaaaaan! your mum's on the phone!", Fri 21 Nov 2008, 15:09, Reply)