I exposed myself to our six-year-old neighbour.
Luckily I was 9 at the time and she'd just wandered into the bathroom as I was getting out of the bath. It still felt wrong though and I never told anyone, until now.
(Me, I'm not... in any way intoxicated, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 18:30, 2 replies)

Having a shit!!!
My first "hardcore" wank mag that I saw was in Form III when a fellow wanker showed me a bird having a huge shit, on second glance it was a Danish bird with a huge black cock up her ass, I shoplifted a few sweets to get the magazine.
( The Scrunt Wants a Dozen Pints, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 18:25, Reply)

how about hedge porn?
riding a bike round the local woods and i spy a wank mag
happy times indeed
now i go riding and do i find hedge porn mags? no
more likely a dvd or usb stick with porn but no laptop or pc to read it on , the wait to find out if it is any good or your next doors granny is a killer
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 18:09, 3 replies)

age 7 at junior school
reading a book about the undersea world or some such title turned the page and there behold was a lady diver in a wet suit with the front zip part undone and no legs on the suit, must have been some place warm , any way turn the page and turn it back and instant twig on well at that age who knows what to do with it ? i had a funny feeling in my tumtum at that moment , ah mammorys in wet suites gets me every time

any laydee's fancy go on my diving bell?
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 18:06, 2 replies)

that's not a Holly Hobby dream house!
can't remember which of these happened first, so have both.

about 6 years of age, decided to look under my parent's mattress for mum's christmas list. she'd write down what she was getting for each of us, then cross it out when she'd bought it. cheating, i know, but i really wanted that damn Holly Hobby house.
underneath the mattress, i found a little book. a little book with a beardy man on the cover. i decided to have a peek inside.
it was The Joy Of Sex. i've been put off by beardy men ever since.

also about 6 years of age, my dad(he wasn't 6, obviously) came out of the bathroom after a shower. he had a towel around his waist. my sister thought it would be funny to pull the towel off him. it wasn't funny AT ALL. that's a view of my dad i NEVER wanted to see. since then, he's taking to tying his belt around the towel when he's had a shower. you'd think he'd just get dressed in the bathroom, but no.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 18:01, 6 replies)

your wife on my face ?

( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 18:00, 3 replies)

I love horses, and they seem to be quite fond of each other too
My aunt owns a riding stables and we used to visit about once a month for a catch up, a shetland pony ride and general messing about in her woods (not a euphamism).

There was lots of excitement on the yard once when we were there. One of the yard staff was leading George the stallion towards a paddock with a mare in it. For some reason unbeknownst to my young self he appeared to be sprouting an extra leg that was swinging in the breeze and was making lots of strange noises that sounded like Scooby Doo laughing.

Someone shouted, "He's a bit useless, it's going to take 5 of us to get it done." One person was holding the headcollar on the mare, then when they opened the gate I looked on as he tried to get a piggy back on her. It took two yard hands either side to stop him falling off, one to keep shoving him in the butt for encouragement, and another person to guide his new leg into the other horse's bum bum and hold it in there.

The lady holding the mare shouted "has he gone yet?" , this was met with a shout back of "Yeah, he's done it!!" from the quintapedal support man who until now had been squeezing the fifth leg and had been waiting for something to happen like a safecracker tumbling locks.

A horsie type, who looked like a female pop-eye, turned to me and said, "Just like a peep show innit?". Being 6 I had no idea what I had just witnessed, but I thought it'd be rude not to agree.

I've never seen a real peep show so if someone could confirm that yes a peep show consists of 5 people helping a stallion with no sense of balance blow his load into a bemused bay horse, I'd really appreciate it.
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 17:48, 2 replies)

My mate had the Bible.
Not my first cos can't really remember it much. However my mate and myself, who was a year older than me, had what we called the bible.

It was a folder. Which had every single Page 3 pictures, for at least 5 years, and anything that we found (hedge porn, photography mags, etc). It was a saintly folder. Until his mum found it, then it was purged by fire for being evil. :(
(Dante licked your nipple on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 17:33, 4 replies)

Can't remember the first,
but I do recall having a copy of Playboy confiscated from me by my dad when I was about thirteen. The thing is, I found where he'd hidden it and over a period of a few weeks I secretly tore out all the dirty pictures, leaving what would eventually become a decidedly slim periodical filled solely with boring interviews and adverts for cars and aftershave. I guess my dad wasn't into reading porn mags as it was never mentioned.
(Haywood Manley, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 17:30, 2 replies)

Talking of Kenny Everett
What about Hot Gossip!!!

I remember watching the Kenny Everett show round at a friend's house with his parents in the living room. Things went very quiet when they did their suspender'd gyrating. Quite awkward waiting until the swelling had gone down and my face wasn't red any more.

Fwoarrrr.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 17:28, 3 replies)

As a wee lad, I looked down
and saw my own willy.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 17:24, 4 replies)

I don't know about the FIRST
i mean, i'm told aged about 3-4, I read the graffiti in a public toilet and asked at the top of my voice "WHAT DOES 'FUCK' MEAN, MUMMY?"

but i do remember being about 9, staying at my aunt and uncle's one Christmas. My sister (5) and female cousin (4) and i were all sharing a double bed, to make room for all the other guests. We were quietly entertaining ourselves and my mum, passing on the landing, heard muffled giggles and thought she'd poke her head in to join in the fun.

She wasn't best pleased; in fact she was quite embarrassed to have to confiscate the A4 hardback copy, with full-colour graphic photos, of the Dorling-Kindersley (or similar) Joy of Sex (or similar) - and return it to her sister-in-law. I never found that book again :( but it did make me feel funny.
( sleepybinky, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:58, 2 replies)

Flash Gordon
Seeing as my memory is shite and I can't remember the very first time I saw something rude, I'll tell you the moment my sexual preference was "fixed"
1980, cinema in Bury St Edmunds, the film? Flash Gordon, that 80's cheese fest with the music by Queen.
Princess Aura (Ornella Muti) wearing tight red spandex pants, chained legs spread on the torture table, camera view from behind... I knew then I was destined to be a shagger of women.
(Darth Thump, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:45, 4 replies)

Why has nobody mentioned
Page 3 of "The Sun"? This was the paper of choice in our house. So I was aware of said ladies for as long as I can remember. I say ladies, I meant schoolgirls as they used to be 16 in those days before the law changed.
However, I think I was maybe 10 before it dawned on me that they were topless for a reason.

Also, what the shuddering fuck was George & Lynne all about? Why was she always cavorting about in the garden with her norks out, whilst George talked to the bloke smoking a pipe next door over the fence?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:42, 10 replies)

The Art of Sensuous Photography
was the title of a book kept on our family bookshelf in the mid-1980s. It contained photographs of bizarre things like naked women in industrial settings, surrounded by chains and oil etc.

I regularly found the book in my older brother's bedroom, so he must've had a keen interest in photography.

It did, however, cause me to think for many years later that all women had extremely hairy clunges; but still made my pee-pee feel funny looking at it when I was about nine.
( M3rx likes the Asian ladies, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:34, 2 replies)

We were easily pleased in my day.
Sometime in the late 70s a very young Big D was flicking through the Grattan catalogue in search of Action man accessories when I strayed into the women's underwear section. I quickly decided that this was much more interesting - one young lady in Stockings and suspenders in particular - and that catalogue got somewhat dogeared over the next few weeks. The day it got thrown away was a black moment indeed.
Then I discovered Page 3. Happy days. Happier nights.
(Big D, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:33, Reply)

Barbara Good, smuggling peanuts.
Watched some Good Life recently. Yep, still works.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:32, 5 replies)

You know, I had almost forgotten about this...
A friend of mine somehow got hold of his dad's 8mm projector and his copy of "Mondo Topless" and showed part of it to me when I was not yet ten. I recently stumbled over this link and had a serious flashback.

NSFW, of course, because you can download the entire thing. The creepiness factor is pretty high due to the salivating narrator, but I have to admit that I like the soundtrack...
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:28, 10 replies)

What happened, Channel 4? You used to be cool.
At the age of ten-ish I managed to buy a television for my room, using my pocket money. It was black and white and made of nicotine stained beige plastic. It cost me £10 (Ten weeks' pocket money!) from the market.

It only really got one channel, which was Channel 4. But back in the day, Channel 4 was all you needed. Not for the news. Not for the intelligent drama. Nope - after midnight they put on high-quality European filth. Well, looking back, it was actually quite intelligent cinema. But it was intelligent cinema with boobies, damnit!
Betty Blue was a particular favourite, but there were so, so many. And of course, they also showed the occasional hammer horror movie, which was entirely bonus.

And then they stopped, but it didn't really matter. It was the mid-nineties, and I was learning how to build myself a computer from cheap components gleaned from the same market for exactly the same reason.
As wonderful as the internet was (and is!) for smut, it's never quite equalled the innocent wonder of watching French women talk about ennui with their baps out.
(universalpsykopath loves what you've done with your hair., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:21, 6 replies)

The Golden Shot
Was an ITV game show in the 1970s. We'd watch it at my nan & gramps's over the tinned-ham salad at teatime when we visited on alternate Sundays, on their little black & white telly.

I didn't pay it much attention until 1974, when Bob Monkhouse started hosting it again after a break, and they had on as one of their hostesses ("golden girls", I think) a Chinese dancer called Wei Wei Wong.

Not long after I first saw her on that, aged about 6 or 7, I had a very strange dream in which me, my school pal Tudor, and Wei Wei Wong were running around with water pistols and for some reason she lifted her skirt to reveal herself to be knickerless under her American Tan tights. We squirted our water pistols at her, and got her all wet in her gussetage.

In the dream, she squirted me back in the same general underpant area, getting me wet there too. Which was when I woke up, thinking I'd wet the bed. I had, in a way I'd not seen before. Not much quantity and stickier than wee, I didn't really know what had happened, but there wasn't much mess outside my pyjama bottoms, and dream itself had been so enjoyable, I just rolled over and tried to go back to sleep to get back to it.

I was 7 and it took almost another seven years after that before I work out what had happened.
( shinyshinyscalp less a man, more a way of life, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:20, 5 replies)

Hedge Porn
Naturally for a man of my pre-interwebs generation. Unfortunately, it was fairly specialist, and led me to believe for about 6 months that most pretty girls had stonking great cocks.

my classmates were of course gentle and patient in their explanation when they realised my misconception. Oh yes.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:16, Reply)

Benny Hill
and his army of scantily clad women running after him in fast forward is one of my earliest memories of rudeness.
(ParaSitius is an Optimistic Pessimist, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 16:07, Reply)

Owners guide to the human body.
I think that was the title of the book. It belonged to my dad, it was just a book about the human body with diagrams, not even proper photos or pictures. I was 9 or 10 when I discovered it had diagrams of common sexual positions. All the girls school agreed it was pure line drawn filth.
(Free pens 100, 101, 102 is still counting on, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:59, Reply)

Not so Super 8
One morning at school, a mate confided in me that he'd acquired a "Blue Movie" from one of his many uncles*. Now, since I was born some time in the late Jurassic era, this was before video - it was in fact a spool of Super 8 cine film. It so happened that we had a cine projector, and so he'd come to me for help.

A plan was hatched: there was just time to run back to my house at lunchtime, watch the film, then get back to school. So, breathless with both anticipation and the damned hills that litter Brighton, we entered the empty house and with shaking hands I laced up the film. It clattered into life and we held our breath, waiting to see what joys and revelations would spill onto the screen.

I remember it quite clearly - more clearly, in fact, than the actual picture, which was blurry and low contrast. The story - for back then mucky movies pretended to have a story - involved a young woman getting out of bed naked, putting on her negligee, and going to have a shower.

Yes, in that order. I was so bothered by the blatant production error here that I barely registered the subsequent shower scene**, nor the developing story of the plumber who arrived to "fix her pipes".



* You know, now I come to think of it, I'm starting to doubt that the various men visiting his mother were all genuine uncles...

** OK, that's a lie, I watched that bit VERY closely
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:55, Reply)

Hilary's 'Crab'
We'd just been to see E.T. at the cinema (so I'd have been 5) and we headed back to James and his sister Hilary's house afterwards to have some food and talk excitedly about it, while our parents sat in the garden and got drunk.

I was left alone in the bedroom pretending a car was ET's spaceship while wearing the plastic ET mask I'd bought from the theatrical event no doubt. I turned around to see Hilary, about 6, doing a 'crab' (bent over backwards while up on feet and hands for those that don't know), completely naked with her frontbum staring at me.

I yelled 'Hoooooooooooooooooooome'!
(Galahad is out of his gourd on yellow bentines, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:53, 5 replies)

Kenny Everett's Cupid Stunt

was very confusing to an unformed sexuality.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:44, 18 replies)

Not sure, really.
I grew up in the early 1970s, when there was this odd mix of old social conservatism, the eminence of Playboy and James Bond and the like, and the new uninhibited hippie movement. From early childhood on I was bombarded with sexuality in varying forms, from the understated hints from the 50s and early 60s to seeing the odd jizz mag on display. It was a time when sex was becoming something that was not totally hidden in the bedrooms anymore, to the delight of some and dismay of others.

...oh hell, it was Misty Rowe on Hee Haw. There, I admitted it. Happy?
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:40, Reply)

Princess Leia's gold metal bikini in 'Return of the Jedi'...
Not neccessarily rude, but didn't half turn me on at the time. I was 6...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:37, 3 replies)

When I was an adolescent
the only access to porn was finding a discarded Razzle down the park.

I'd hate to be an adolescent today, with the internet providing a bottomless filthpit to gawp at. How in God's name are they supposed to focus on exams? Or even eating, come to that?

c&ped on 11/08/2011
(sittingduck Attention seeking, bullshitting fuck-knuckle, Thu 11 Aug 2011, 15:36, Reply)