Traffic Wardens
One fine milky midsummer Middlesex afternoon I was relaxing in my local boozer with a few mates, Adrian, Rutger, Ronald and John (names changed to protect the guilty). We were well on our way into a full on session, many pints of our local's finest ale having been sipped, others quaffed, and perhaps inevitably talk turned to the many wrongs of the world.

Adrian was busy explaining how to fix the Greek economy, the boring prick, when all of a sudden John, who'd gone quiet and a touch cross-eyed, piped up.

"Fucking traffic wardens, man!" he belched.

"What?" we cried.

"Those bastards, always going after the little guy... someone needs to sort them the fuck out," he slurred. "Just the other day I got papered for some trumped up NOTHING by some fucker jobsworth warden CUNT! That was not a righteous bust!"

"Fuck's sake John, leave it at home won't you?" I said. "You're not in one of those awful American crime dramas you great prat."

We took turns insulting John, but he wasn't going to be swayed from his view that all traffic wardens were basically bastards and the world would be better off without them. Unfortunately, what with all of the aforementioned finest ale, we all let ourselves get rather caught up in his fervour.

It was at this point that John chose to drop the bombshell, the flattening word-explosive that was to lead to what happened next. John informed us that the very road that this very pub was on just happened to be on that very same traffic warden's beat!

We were on our feet in seconds.

"Let's get him!" Roared Ronald.

I wish I could say that all that happened next was that a few blokes staggered around yelling for a bit before getting bored and going home to drink own-brand vodka and bet on who would win Ready Steady Cook.

I wish I could. But I can't. Because, by some horrendous caprice of fate, the warden, the man himself, was right outside the pub. And not only that, but he was ticketing my beloved Honda.

I stared, incredulous. Adrian slurred something about justice. I began to feel a building rage, the pent up anger of so many years of being shat on from up on high, of turning the other cheek, suffering all of those humiliating defeats. The hot, burning fury started somewhere deep in the pit of my stomach and began to bubble up, slowly but inexorably, coalescing into my newfound righteous justice.

"Now look here you bastard! I know my rights! I will not HAUUUUURRRRRRGHHHHHHHH!" I bellowed.

As it turned out, it wasn't hot, burning fury bubbling up, but hot, burning sick. Lots and lots of sick. Apparently all those pints of finest ale hadn't sat too happily with my new-found desire for vigilante justice. It went everywhere. All over the warden, all over me, all over my beloved Honda. Some even splashed Ronald's knees.

"You fucking animal," said the warden.

"Huruhgheghhghuuuuuurrh..." I muttered from my new position, which was prone in my own slowly expanding sea of stomach soup.

The warden, in a mighty foul mood, fucked off to clean up. Sensing the tone of the day had changed somewhat, my mates picked me up and took me to be hosed off.

But on the way, John got nicked by the cops for having half a kilo of heroin up his backside. I reckon the 10 years he got for that definitely made the world a slightly better place.
(Frank Snow, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 14:48, 11 replies)

"I fuckin' 'ate traffic wardens ... "

( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 14:54, closed)

It just HAD to be a fucking Honda.
A Honda of revenge.
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Wed 28 Sep 2011, 14:57, closed)

where were the models?
Honda, righteous justice, massive drugs. It's just not complete without supermodels lezzing up.

I'm not angry, just disappointed.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 17:29, closed)

This HAS to be a parody, right?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 18:51, closed)

If it is I think it deserves to win.

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 19:31, closed)

Oh, man! This is like playing QOTW bingo!
Honda
Vigilante justice
Massive drugs
Booze
The phrase "names changed to protect the guilty"
Overly verbose prose
Overuse of metaphors and similies.
Lies

All that is needed are supermodels, "needless to say I had the last laugh" and gratuitous sex.
( mns 2️⃣2️⃣9️⃣0️⃣7️⃣, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 18:56, closed)

Go on then, whose comedy account is this?

( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 19:31, closed)

It reads a bit like frankspencer
Only less bitter and without the porn.
( MatJ LOOK, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 19:50, closed)

This is full of win.

( The Mock Turtle ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Wed 28 Sep 2011, 19:49, closed)

I'm a big fan of this
and anyone who isn't is a girt fule.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Thu 29 Sep 2011, 0:01, closed)

I read that as "girl flute".
And then a butterfly landed on my elbow. I'm taking this as a sign from Johnny God and going out to buy some Special Brew. I may be some time.
(Frank Snow, Thu 29 Sep 2011, 12:14, closed)