I had unexpected duck two times in a day last weekend.
Pasta in Mazamet with unannounced foie gras. Then a salad in Courniou ... bosh ... confit de canard.

Knock knock!
Who's there?
Unexpected duck.
Unexpected dQUACK!
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 9:18, 4 replies)

Knock knock

Who's there?

Moribund website.

Moribund website who?

b3ta
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 9:18, 6 replies)

Knock knock!
Whose their?
( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 8:59, 5 replies)

once, many years ago
I was in the bath, with an erection, busting for a piss.
long story short, I accidentally pissed into my own mouth
( mictoboy shitting in your cunt since, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 8:18, 2 replies)

Knock Knock
Who's there?
Interrupting doctor.
Interrup-
You have cancer.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 7:26, Reply)

Ahhhhh foooooood
Sweet haddock an hour out of the sea. Mackerel charred on a bar-b-q. The peppery iron of Stornoway black pudding. Sweet scallops on a griddle. Lobster claws with a hint of chili and lime. Belly of pork melting in the mouth with the salty crunch of cracking. A knife falling through a rib of beef that's rested for 90 minutes. A rich mutton stew. Chicken thighs, with a stock reduction and skin removed and crisped. Monk fish in a searingly hot pan with roasted asparagus. A giant spider crab with slices of sweet tomato. Muscles steamed in wine with warm home-made bread....I like food.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Fri 28 Jun 2013, 7:20, Reply)

An Amble Picnic


I submitted it to a book that was being made for a mates wedding.
Recipe:

The Amble Picnic.


The height of sophistication in Amble.

Ingredients.

Pie
Tin of pineapple rings
Sausage, deep fried.

Method.

Take your pie and shove the sausage into the middle of it so the sausage is poking skywards. Then, get someone who isn't from Amble, to open the tin of pineapples.
Note: If the chef is from Amble and attempts to open the tin themselves then make sure you have plenty of sticking plaster available.

Once you have the tin open, take out a single ring of pineapple and carefully place over the sausage.

Serve with 12 cans of wife-beater (men) or 2 bottles of Blue Nun (women).
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 7:07, 6 replies)

KnockKnock
Who's there?

Front Door tester; everything seems to be in order. Well, my work here is done.
(The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 1:11, Reply)

I'll give you something to eat
Once I knock one out
(McChinaman banned, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 0:33, 1 reply)

morning

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 28 Jun 2013, 0:10, 6 replies)

Bowl of sliced beef pho
From the Vietnamese Restaurant opposite the courthouse in Childers, Australia
(Redemption blamed it on the Bossa Nova since, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 23:22, 4 replies)

Recipes is it?
A Breakkie Treat.
WARNING: May induce fartiness and some heartburn.

You'll need -
2 slices of wholemeal bread, buttered on 1 side.
1 ripe tomato, sliced.
1 slice of "nice" cheese cut into 4 strips
2-3 slices of chilli salami or 4-5 slices of hot pepperino

1/2 a tin of baked beans - don't use storebrand!
1 soft boiled egg.

How to do it -
Place the bread buttered sides together, turn on toastie/flat press grill. Place a strip of cheese, then meat, then another cheese strip then tomato and finally cheese onto un-buttered bread. Lift bread apart, place slice with all the stuff on, buttered side down onto press, place other slice on top buttered side up, close press. Weigh down press - a stone mortar and pestle does me.
Soft boil egg. I usually save time by zapping it in the microwave in the same cup as I'm going to do the baked beans in. Be sure to put a knob of butter or a smear of oil in 1st to stop it sticking. Also cover with a paper towel or you're putting your hand up to clean the microwave ahterwards. Remove egg from cup (or peel after rinsing if you boiled it), put baked beans in cup and heat for a minute or so. Remember kitchen towel over the top of the cup.

Once egg is cooked the toastie should be golden brown and cheese all melty - serve and place egg on top, then the last strip of cheese, then smoosh egg down. Pour heated baked beans over the top.
Eat.

Sounds fucking awful I know, but trust me when you've got egg yolk & tomato juice running down your (normal sized) chin and you're getting a nice humm from the chilli salami you may well change your tune.
Delia reckons a variation of this is the breakfast of champions. And we all know Delia is never wrong.

EDIT: For the Day Release-ee's - clearly this is not a bowl of organic Bircher muesli mixed with chopped fruit and low-fat free-range yoghurt & thus should not be seen as a particularly healthy meal option, nor should it be part of your regular diet. Otherwise -

Knock,
.
.
.
.
.
knock
Who's there?

Your imminent heart attack.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Thu 27 Jun 2013, 22:55, 9 replies)

Knock Knock
Who's there?

Europe.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 21:58, 8 replies)

Ken's Big Bite
A slice of Hovis Best of Both Invisible Crust (Thick)
A light smearing of Flora Pro-Activ Extra Light
Then on with the ham -
Tesco’s Finest Wholegrain Mustard Wiltshire Cured Ham
£2.97 for four slices
That’s 3 Clubcard points
Quality
Not like the “20 slices for £1.29” crap, which is mostly water, and has the texture and flavour of a mouse’s tongue
On top of the ham, some grated cheese. Davidstow mature cheddar or Cracker Barrel - something with a bit of bite
On top of that some thin slices of Sainsbury’s Flavouripe tomato - tricky, this - need a very sharp knife - careful - mind fingers - ah!
Cold tap on
Five minutes
Frantic, sweaty, but ultimately fruitful search for Elastoplast
There
Then some black pepper, from a pepper grinder purchased during a desperate excursion to IKEA, during which there was an argument with the wife, a cricked neck, a harrowing visit to the lavatory, confusion, fermenting ire, and intermittent thoughts of suicide
Then lettuce - not that tastless iceberg rubbish, but 2 leaves of Sainsbury’s Organic Little Gem Heart. Tasty. Mmm
Then the finishing touch: a blob of mayonnaise - Hellmans, of course
Only the best
Then on top of all that the the other slice of Hovis Best of Both Invisible Crust (Thick) again lightly smeared with Flora Pro-Activ Extra Light
Then press gently down - not too hard
And replace the slice of tomato that has fallen out
Onto a plate with it
Perfection
Anticipation
Salivary glands in operation…

And then, like a thief in the night,
Ken, with his teeth, took a bite.
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 21:31, 2 replies)

I didn't think this was going to stay on topic long
Knock knock

who's there?

Hammer salesman.
(Inflatable Giraffe Punctureless since 1985, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 20:37, Reply)

Best and worst
I was in Hong Kong with my other half about this time last year. Say what you like about that place, the food is fantastic. We had a soup starter followed by roast goose, followed by an entire (beautifully cooked) lobster with noodles and cheese sauce. For the equivalent of £10 a head.

Best meal I've ever had. And the worst.

Because we were with her semi-estranged father. A man she described with the phrase "Don't worry about him hating you. He will, but he hates everybody".

I defy anyone to enjoy a meal where they are obliged to share the table with a man who hates their guts, while trying to eat lobster - coated with the world's most slippery cheese sauce - with chopsticks in a posh Hong Kong restaurant, watched with barely disguised amusement by what felt like half the clientele.

At least her dad seemed to enjoy my misery.
( MatJ LOOK, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 20:35, 1 reply)

cheese and jam butties
White bread, raspberry jam (with seeds) Cheshire cheese. Done.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 19:44, Reply)

I ate your mum's burger

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 19:35, 1 reply)

Nobody got any good 'nom nom' jokes then?

(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 19:27, 1 reply)

Croissant stuffed with whipped cream and chocolate peanuts.
The perfect munch.
( Brandy_Bumwinkle, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 19:12, Reply)

My dog's got no nose
Consequently I am able to eat whatever I want without him noticing.
(Eukanuba, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 18:52, 2 replies)

Orange you glad I didn't say banana?

(cs1ca, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 18:51, Reply)

I know a good knock knock joke
But you have to start it.
(searlichek, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 18:28, 3 replies)

Knock knock
Who's there?

Lettuce.

Lettuce who?

Lettuce in its raining.
( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 18:15, Reply)

In the war on child grooming...
..the nonces have just Gone Nuclear.


( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 17:54, 12 replies)

I used to be editor of a magazine in China
Much of our advertising was from the big hotels. One evening a hotel put on a "media appreciation night". Around thirty of us hacks were shepherded into a foyer, where on three tables carved ice sculptures were surrounded by pots of fois gras, slices of lemon, and shots of quality vodkas; hot waitresses perambulated, offering glasses of champagne. After maybe half an hour of this we were led into the main dining room, where we had a six course meal including birds nest soup, delicate tuna steaks on a bed of rock salt, and impossibly tender wagyu beef, all with finely selected wine pairings. Then there was a raffle, and everybody won something.

Corruption: don't knock it until you've tried it.
(McChinaman banned, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 17:45, 12 replies)

I went to Germany
and had some Knockwurst.
(username failed moderation, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 17:21, 1 reply)

Knock knock jokes are shit.
There are two parrots on a perch, one says,'Can you smell fish?'
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 27 Jun 2013, 17:01, 3 replies)