i used to place mice in bread

(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:16, 1 reply)

Finger Snacks
A quick one before the end of the week, and funnily enough back at my old job at a supermarket which sounds unsuprisingly like 'Besco'.

Our company had a horrible training policy. So horrible in fact that it was a 10 question multiple choice test followed by the royal boot onto the shop floor to do the customer's bidding. The same went for the deli counter. A new lass, I'll call her Jane because she only worked there for one day and bugger knows if I can remember such an insignificant peon, had just joined and was told to operate the big mechanical meat slicer.

Jane's manager, Charlotte, was a draconian nightmare whose policy was a simple case of "do it or get out of my department". When Jane explained she didn't know how to work the health and safety-defying monstrousity, Charlotte broke the sound barrier with her orders and Jane was promptly slicing away through the processed meats, and then incidently her thumb.

While most knives will leave a flap and a dirty cut, this was a top of the range slicer, and so a clean half inch of hand and blood lay mixed in with the chicken roll. Jane, as most humans would do, quickly got herself sorted and called an ambulance whilst screaming bloody murder. Charlotte on the other hand proceeded to complaining that she had to slice the rest of the meats herself (without time to clean the machine) and made a bigger spectacle about her manual labour than the now crippled staff member.

2 hours later the food safety officials were down, the deli shut, all produce sent to be incinerated and Charlotte sacked for serving black pudding to half the store.
(FoxyBadger (try saying it backwards), Thu 25 Sep 2008, 15:03, Reply)

Only my opinion, but
Was this the most boring QOTW ever?
(Pork2311, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 14:47, 61 replies)

Last!
When I was younger, much quieter and frankly a bit of a wuss, I used to work in Gamestation with my best mate.. It was possibly the greatest job ever for a lazy teenager! On weekdays I'd pretty much be getting paid to hang out with my mate and listen to music as the shop was always empty.
The one downside to this job was our manager, an old bitter washed up butch dyke who had failed in the music industry and was now spending her final working days as a manager in a tiny games shop, treating her employees like shit! She would pick on everyone that worked there but would always do it in a 'we're mates, so if I smile when I say it you can't get offended' sort of way.

Now I'd been working there for about 6 months and I'd had enough of this constant abuse from her. She'd been picking on me for a while, picking holes at my life, pretending to be my friend so she could get away with slyly insulting me and my best mate. The last straw for me was when I was having a particularly bad day and while putting some CD's back into the drawer, I had dissapeared into my own little dream world, completely ignoring the fact that she was standing behind me asking me a question (ok I was already pissed at her so I was partly ignoring her!). She then proceeded to slag me off in front of all the customers and my colleagues, including telling me that I had serious mental problems that need to be addressed. For the rest of the day she proceeded to make comments to customers about me being mental, treated me like an absolute retard and forced me to do all the dirty work in the shop.

This was on a Sunday when the shop was still pretty busy, the next day I was scheduled to work with just her and my best mate. Someone had obviously had a word with her after I left on Sunday as that morning she grudgingly apologised to me and as a 'treat' it was my turn to take last nights takings down to the bank and as a special treat I was allowed to buy biscuits on the way back!! Oh the joy! (ok I was a bit happy cos I'd come into work stoned and had munchies like a motherf*cker!). On the way back I picked up some custard cremes(or was it the ginger ones?) and some fresh milk for tea. Getting back into the shop, she then 'thanked' me and then ordered me to make her a coffee seeing as she had been so nice to me. This was when the most incredible idea came over me! To piss in her coffee!

Off I went into the toilets and went about pissing into her mug. I filled it to the top to make sure that sides where nicely coated and then tipped the majority of it back into the toilet making sure that there was enough there for me to be satisfied but not so much that she'd notice! During this process I also noticed that I had been quite a lazy stoner and not washed for a while... In a stroke of genius I collected some knob cheese on my finger and rushed off to the pack of biscuits!! I carefully seperated a couple of the biscuits, wiped my finger along the insides and then put them back together. Fortunatly it was summer and the creamy bit in the middle was a little soft from the heat so they managed to stick back together again. I then finished off making the pissy coffee, stuck a couple of biscuits on her saucer and went to deliver her present! :)

Needless to say she never noticed! Although she was confused as to why I was suddenly so happy!

I think I may go back there this weekend actually! I've heard that she's still working there! Perhaps I should go back and let her know what I did! Or at least I can rub it in her face that she's still stuck there, while I'm half her age and earning at least double her wage!!
(drchino, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 14:13, 7 replies)

Yeah so I was with the Doctor and Donna
the other week and these crazy monsters were doing some wacky shit and they tried to take over the world right and then they starting having sex like pornstars but I like the world so I fucking planted a bomb right on their nobs and it blew up and killed the stupid fuckers.

F'Ood Sabotage.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 14:11, 10 replies)

Last week
I invited my friend round for tea. I had planned it all week, his favourite food was Lasagne

^click on the link to see the sabotage
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 14:05, 7 replies)

I am so so so so so sorry
I can't stand it, I know you spiked it
I'm a' set straight, this tuna pate
I can't stand cooking when I'm in here
'Cause your meat ball ain't so meat clear
So while you sit back and wonder why
I got this fucking pain in my side
Oh my god, it's a vomit barrage
I'm tellin' y'all food sabotage

So listen up 'cause you can't bake nothin'
You'll shut me down with a spoon of your mutton
But I'm out and I'm gone
I'll tell you now I keep it on and on

'Cause whats on the menu you might not get
And we can bet so don't you get souped yet
You're scheming on a thing that's a mirage
I'm trying to tell you now food sabotage

Why
feeling weak from my vomit barrage
Listen all of y'all food sabotage (x4)

I can't eat it, I know you grilled it
I'm a' set straight this tuna pate
I can't stand rockin' when I'm in this plaice
Because I feel disgraced because you puked in my face
But make no mistakes and switch up my channel
I'm buddy rich when I whack off in the fridge
What could it be, it's a mirage
You're scheming on a thing, food sabotage
(Halfy By light alone, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 14:04, 7 replies)

Good time to tell a story.
There's a tradition in the office of bringing back sweets from holiday. I quite like this because, well because there's sweets. What I don't like is people who I don't know who just come and take a sweet without asking. So this time around I brought about a third normal gobstoppers, a third sour gobstoppers and a third Atomic Fireball gobstoppers and mixed them all togethor.

There's something really fun about watching someone get halfway across the office before they realise their mouth's burning and getting worse. Even more fun if they try to tough it out.
(MattWPBS, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 13:58, Reply)

Cigarette ends...
in half full cans....


...at parties

makes me vomit ANGRY!

Nuff said.
(jmaxi returned again on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 13:31, 1 reply)

food sabotage gone good
when you get kit kats that dont have the wafer...

so in fact are just a bar of chocolate.

I feel like ive won the lottery when that happens.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 13:03, 5 replies)

There was once a QOTW about food. Pooflake thought he had the last post, but I sabotaged him.
( The Incredible Sulk Finally remembered his password on, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 12:59, 2 replies)

Well,
In honour of the cuntishness that seems to be rife this week, I've a confession to make.

A few weeks back, I was in China.
I got hold of a potent local poison, from a kind of snake, the West Chinese Foo.

So, armed with this, I broke into a large factory, that made breast-milk subsitite.

That's right, I Foo Sabataged that baby-formula.

news.bbc.co.uk/1/hi/world/asia-pacific/7633467.stm
( Cawl, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 12:35, 4 replies)

What's going on?...

Where are all the 'last' posts?

Normally we're balls deep in them by now.

Maybe we're all 'growing up' a bit, and will no longer resort to such knobbery at the end of a QotW...

I'm proud of you all.


...



Last?
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 12:26, 5 replies)

hahaha

i'd forgotten this one!

scene: posh cheshire hotel
event: dad's 60th birthday
wine: expensive and free-flowing
in attendance: 4 year old cousin

my little cousin wanted to feel grown up, so she was drinking her dandelion & burdock out of a wine glass. the hotel was beautiful, but it was also quite dimly lit.

my cousin tugged on my hand and invited me to take her to the toilet. much as i was flattered by this charming invitation, it is not the kind of thing you can turn down. so i took her off to the ladies.

whilst we were gone, the waiter, topping up people's glasses with a vintage red, came across kate's half empty glass. presuming in the candlelight that it was red wine, he filled it up, and carried on his merry way.

when we arrived back at the table, my brothers and other cousin, kate's much older half brother, were suspiciously silent. eyes gleaming, they watched kate. i could tell something was up, but they wouldn't admit it.

after a few minutes of anticlimax, brother 1 said softly: "kaaaaate. don't you want some nice dandelion and burdock?"

the resulting temper tantrum took half an hour and a sack of maltesers to calm down. people 5 tables away found themselves covered in alcoholic dandelion and burdock and 4 year old's spit. my brothers thought it was well worth it.




i have just read this and realised you reeeeeally had to be there. oh well, suck it up, bitches!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 11:16, 7 replies)

Only last weekend
My band ventured up north to play a gig with a great bunch of lads who go collectively by the name of The Hot Quiche Conspiracy.

After a great show we exchanged stories of drunken after-parties and shenanigans, sitting around a small fire, as we entered the early morning.

The main topics of conversation included usual band stuff, such as biggest venue/crowd etc. and we learned that a few years ago before the lads had been forced to part ways for Uni amongst other things, they had been lucky enough to play on several occasions with Goldie lookin Chain.

Part way into the conversation one of us asked if they were actually nice people, in real life. We weren't overly surprised to learn that no, in fact they are all complete wankers who got drunk and aggressive every night. We were slightly more surprised to learn that:
"It was fine though - we pissed in their drinks on the last night, and they didn't even notice!"
(ShitBitch, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 9:49, 2 replies)

A guy I used to work with…

named Keith, was the type of person whom one could vehemently categorise as a ‘proper cunt-twitch’.

His crime? – Amongst general twattery, he was a ‘copy-cat’ of the highest order. Keep up with the Joneses? He tried to keep up with the Smiths, the Joneses, the Patels and in one particularly tragic case, the Ngumbmbas

I hated him, he hated me, but it was mostly a cowardly, unspoken hatred…yet he still copied everything I did. One time I was overheard mentioning to my friends that I had invested a large share of my savings into an account with the famous South African Reserve Bank (SARB) as a going concern. Not 5 minutes later, he was boasting that he’d done the same thing. I expressed an interest in Indian religion and got a wonderful little porcelain Taj Mahal for my desk…Keith goes and does exactly the same thing.

Well, this went on and on, and at first I considered ‘pretending’ to be interested in something…just to see if the scrotesack would follow suit. But then I thought of a much more cunning ploy...

I would piss in his tea. Mwwahaahaaa etc.

Smarmily watching on as he sipped at my seepage, the look in his eyes was priceless as he realised something ‘didn’t quite taste right’ and he slowly put 2 and 2 together.

How I ‘lol’led…but my merriment was short lived, as I was forgetting his copy-cat, one-upmanship issues.

The next time I received a drink, there was a monumentally girthsome brown trout poking out from the top of my mug. I glanced over to see Keith almost prolapsing with mirth.

‘Time to turn up the heat’ I thought.

Never to be outdone, the following tea round saw Keith handed a veritable vichyssoise of ‘I can’t believe it’s not bell-end butter’, hand cracked by me into his prized ‘Wallace and Gromit’ cup.

Well, that was the straw that broke Keith’s camel…or whatever the expression is. He launched the mug across the room in disgust and shouted ‘THAT’S.FUCKING.IT!’

He challenged me there and then…and I gleefully accepted, I had been waiting for years to give the fucker a taste of the back of my hand…

‘Come on then!’ I taunted. But Keith had other ideas. He said we should have a duel…and the loser would have to leave the company forever.

‘Erm....ok...But what weapons would we use?’ I asked.

To my utter disbelief, Keith then offered two options. He said that we could either show each other the bank books from our investment to see who had the most money, or measure up the porcelain trinkets from our desks to see which one was the biggest. That way we would realise who was best.

Instantly recognising these suggestions as an act of purest mentalism, I promptly proceeded to punch him squarely in the face, beat him to the ground with his chair and threw him out bleeding into the street with his miniature souvenir building lodged firmly up his dirtbox.

I never saw him again. But that, dear comrades, is the story of my…

Feud: SARB or Taj?

/coat

Look, at least I left it until Thursday :)
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 25 Sep 2008, 9:43, 15 replies)

Wash your mouth out with...... well washing up liquid.
Picture the scene, four years ago I was with a lass who wasn't exactly lacking when it came to the mammary department. Anyway said lass lived a hundred or so miles away from me up in the land of Robin Hood - Nottingham. Anyhoo young(er) urbanbushmonkey trots off on the train to go see her.. gets off at the station and walks to her house, and generally young(er)ubm and his ex have a fantastic time together, that is until the final night... the dreaded conversation happens before the lovers go to sleep...

Ex: "i've been thinking maybe you should go home tomorrow, i'm not sure if this is working"
UBM: "oh? why would you think that"
Ex: "Things are just fucked at the moment... im going to sleep now.. night love you"

And with that she fell asleep right next to the poor bewildered UBM.

UBM awake the next morning to find his ex gone, she'd gone to work leaving him alone in her house...

Lightbulb blinks above UBM... Revenge time.

So UBM proceeds down to the kitchen, to her shelves in the cupboard and fridge and decides to wreak havoc.

Chocolate dipped in washing up liquid.
Crushed laxative sprinkled into coffee granules
And then the final piece - I fwapped one out into her bottle of milk.......


Left her a note saying I understand how she felt and that I thought we were lacking something too and hopefully we could maybe be friends in the future....



Was with some satisfaction sometime later that I learned she'd been violently ill after eating the chocolate. And the doctor couldn't work out why she was going to the bathroom a lot more than usual. It was only after she changed her coffee from Caffeinated to Decaf that the symptoms mysteriously disappeared.

Karma should reward me, I gave her some extra protein in her diet from my addition to her milk =).



Four years on and I still hate the bitch.... I can't believe I wasted 6 months on the whore, especially as I found out she cheated on me with 4 different guys......



Length? It wasn't length that caused her to dump me.... she was just incapable of closing her legs it seems.
(urbanbushmonkey, Thu 25 Sep 2008, 2:07, 6 replies)

muaaahaha i just remembered this
'twas the eve of the millenium. me and some friends were having a party at PhilliJoe's folks house. we were all in some kind of fancy dress.
my mate jimmy had consumed a heroic amount of guinness, and ballycastle (a noxious baileys substitue from aldi) and decided he had to vomit.
toilet occupied, he headed for the garden. he didn't want to desecrate the lawn, so he asked me for a receptacle.. in my drunken state i handed him an empty tesco's bag.

at this point i should mention he was wearing a miniskirt, tights, a crop top, toilet paper boobs and a bra and a big floppy dr seuss style union jack hat. he's also the least effeminate shaped one of us at the time.. this helps with the mental image y'see.

he decided that as the garden had a garage at the end that was locked, his best bet to dispose of the now rather full bag was to tie the handles, then swing it round like a one armed backstroke champion, eventually releasing it to describe a graceful arc over the garage into the night beyond.

alas, he failed to take into account his inebriated state, so on about the third revolution of the bag, he managed to hit himself in the back of the leg, sending a shower of curdled baileys and guinness high into tha air, and absolutely covering him and the walls and lawn.


oh how we laughed.


length? average but the explosion of goo was something to behold.
(UppityDamnPrimate LET'S OPEN THIS F*CKING PIT UP, Wed 24 Sep 2008, 23:03, 1 reply)