Bindun?
You can lead a horse to water but you can't climb a ladder with a large bell in both hands - Vic Reeves
(Just a girl., Fri 21 May 2010, 23:41, Reply)

Wishing
Don't waste your time wishing for things.
Work out a way to make them happen instead
( Peapod Has returned to the fold on, Fri 21 May 2010, 22:58, Reply)

Under no circumstances
use the company 'Rekall' if you need a holiday.

They are well known for being brain butchers.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Fri 21 May 2010, 22:46, 2 replies)

Don't eat a big takeaway
The night before a big chance to do something with your food, which causes you to be very nervous

D:

I just learnt this
(Ukulele Kris from up t'north, Fri 21 May 2010, 22:35, Reply)

Talk like Yoda
...you never should. Annoying, it is.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Fri 21 May 2010, 22:28, Reply)

"Drive
..on the assumption that everyone else on the road is going to drive like an idiot. If you can't see anyone else driving like an idiot, then in all likelihood it may be you that's driving like an idiot."

Courtesy of my late father in law, who was good enough to bequeath me and the missus his old motor.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Fri 21 May 2010, 22:23, Reply)

If...
If you give a dachshund a biscuit, he will sleep happily.

If you give him an apple, he will shit on your pillow.
(TheSnark oh, c'mon, like you didn't see me coming, Fri 21 May 2010, 20:39, Reply)

When out drinking...
look for the person who has clearly had too much, is pissing everyone off, and is going to regret the night. If you can't see them, its you - time to ease up.
(faragher dub, Fri 21 May 2010, 19:58, 1 reply)

Bald on top, long at the back.
Even though it averages out to a full head of hair, in another way it doesn't.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 21 May 2010, 19:58, 2 replies)

Safe(ish) sex
1. When fucking with a condom and it's OK, nothing special, as safer sex tends to be, but suddenly it feels great, don't just carry on, it means your condom has broken. Withdraw, clean, don another party hat, then try again.

2. With reference to the advice above - if your condom slips off and disappears into the ether, it's polite to inform the lady, especially if you might ever see her again. She might not be happy, but will be way more pissed off when the quack fishes your festering scumbag out of her cloying clout in 3 weeks time.

3. If a woman you aren't in a serious relationship with says to you "You don't need to use one of those", meaning condoms, you most certainly DO need to use one.

4. It's not funny to ping the used scumbags at cyclists you pass on your way home - you may end up trapped in traffic ahead. Not to mention the fact you've just given them a bag of your DNA, your prank may get you into deep water.
(Rsoles, Fri 21 May 2010, 19:29, 8 replies)

Two things I learned a few years ago
* Never log into ebay when drunk, buzzed out on chocolate or off your tits on mushrooms.

* If your friends invite you to play the "Withnail and I Drinking Game," say No.
(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Fri 21 May 2010, 19:25, 1 reply)

If you're a swinger,
and your parents and/or children are swingers, scheduling becomes much more important.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Fri 21 May 2010, 19:16, 4 replies)

Women
Can't live with 'em, can't kill 'em.

Courtesy of my mate Ant, from his best man speech.
(ElBastardo, Fri 21 May 2010, 18:46, 4 replies)

Trek nerd time (ironically)
"It seems to me I'd wanna poke my head up every once in a while and take a look around - see what's going on. It's life, Jake! You can miss it if you don't open your eyes!" -- Ben Sisko

True dat.

(Guess it disqualifies my other post if we're being strict about the question!)
( Cloudane, Fri 21 May 2010, 18:45, Reply)

Save embarrassment with homeopathic porn:
Simply cut and paste one pixel from your favourite naughty lady picture into a blank frame. Hit your screen with a copy of the bible, then take one pixel from the resulting picture and place it into another blank frame.

Do this a couple of hundred times and by the time you have finished you will, due to the memory of pixels, be faced with an image so stupendously horn inducing you'll be spunking your strides so heartily you'll need to be rehydrated by saline drip.

Plus if your missus checks out the images you've saved, she won't be able to see a thing.

Happy homeo-eroticism !
(joe is troubled Got all married and teh stuffs, Fri 21 May 2010, 18:38, 3 replies)

treat life like a shit sandwich, the more bread you have, the less shit you taste.

(sinister, Fri 21 May 2010, 18:01, Reply)

Always keep the sexual harassment complaint forms...
...in the bottom drawer of the filing cabinet.


That way, she's got to bend down to get them.
( Snappyuk gets BIGGER with free sample., Fri 21 May 2010, 18:00, 1 reply)

No means Yes
And Yes means chocolate starfish!
(goorf, Fri 21 May 2010, 17:38, 1 reply)

Dull tip I use
When you're in the office, try to touch each piece of paper a minimum of times. If it's not important, throw it away immediately. If it's a task, add it to your to-do list and file/throw the original away. If it's something short and easy to complete, do it now, and file/throw the original away.

Same for e-mail: don't use your e-mail as a to-do list. Transfer the info to your to-do list and then you need never open the e-mail again.

Told you it was dull.
( giant_squid, Fri 21 May 2010, 17:28, 4 replies)

If you don't like QOTW
or are considering writing the words 'Honda Accord', fuck off back to /talk.
( the pink chicken sniffer sniffs pink chickens., Fri 21 May 2010, 17:18, 14 replies)

Duct Tape
A good lubricant make it does not.
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Fri 21 May 2010, 17:06, 1 reply)

Business advice
A rich person never gets that way by providing a good quality service at a fair price. Choose one or the other, never aim for both.
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Fri 21 May 2010, 17:04, 2 replies)

if affected
Don't drive or operate heavy machinery .
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Fri 21 May 2010, 16:36, 1 reply)

If you're feeling too lazy to move
Count down from 10 (and get up on 0, obviously).

I think it was a b3tan who mentioned this in another qotw? It's worked wonders for me, especially today when tiredness and temperature clashed, so thanks :)
( Cloudane, Fri 21 May 2010, 16:34, 3 replies)

A coalition piece of advice
"If you have to ask yourself 'Should I be doing this/ is this a good idea?' the answer is probably no. So don't."

This was invented by myself and some friends while drunk, and is now being used as the main tenet of a fictional religion in the novel I'm writing.
(a gun that fires other, smaller guns full of jizz, Fri 21 May 2010, 16:33, 1 reply)

Advice for the french...
Don't piss off the pierre until you know which way the wind is blowing
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Fri 21 May 2010, 16:19, 1 reply)

Look where you're going.
Or, more accurately, before you leap.

You know those old style dustbins? The ones with wooden slats running vertically with metal bands around them? Before you jump over that small hedge to prove how high a 12 year old can jump, make sure there isn't one of these bins hiding behind said hedge before you do. They can hurt. Having to get your dad help pull you out of one isn't much fun either. Especially when he can't because he's laughing too hard.

A bit of advice I wish I'd been given earlier.
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Fri 21 May 2010, 16:09, 1 reply)

Not so much given to me, I just read it in Banksy's Book once...
"It's easier to seek forgiveness than it is to get permission"
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Fri 21 May 2010, 16:07, 1 reply)

Advice Needed
I don't know if I have recieved any but I could do with some good advice.

If after trying anal for the first time your woman passes out on you do you? a) carry on b) stop to see if shes ok c) other - please state
(TheDream In need of signature to impress clunge owners, Fri 21 May 2010, 16:01, 8 replies)

Advice given to me by my pappy on my wedding day

Get yerself a shed
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Fri 21 May 2010, 15:57, 1 reply)