If you're about to work in a room that has a local exhaust ventilation system and a door with an airtight seal,
check BEFORE you shut the door that the fan's not cranked up to its highest setting, or else this will happen:

                        ^^^^ direction of air flow
                        |~ |
                        | ~| <- LEV drawing air through the grate at 70 mph
                        |~ |        and creating a vacuum
         OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO| ~|OOOOOO
         OOOOOOOOOOOOOOO|~ |OOOOOO <- Soundproof working area with 
         OOO you        | ~|   OOO    no way to turn off the LEV from inside
         OOO |          |~ |   OOO
   BLAM \||  v         /~ ~ \  OOO
  BLAM --||\ O        /~ ~ ~ \ OOO
   BLAM /|| \|        ~ ~ ~ ~  OOO
         ||  |       ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ OOO
 door -> ||  |      ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  OOO
         ##~/~\~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ OOO
grate -> ##/~ ~\~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~  OOO
         ##| ~ ~\~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ ~ OOO
         OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:37, 5 replies)

If in doubt...
say nowt.
(Lucoire tutted and shook her head in disbelief on, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:33, Reply)

An uncle said to me at my wedding...
"Don't make the mistakes I did"

Which was pretty sound advice as at the time he was 50, a borderline alcoholic with a partner 20 years older than him, and he'd recently bought a classic car that he'd completely taken apart before realising he didn't have the cash to put it back together. Ended up selling it at a huge loss as a "build it yourself" project.

I'm happy to announce I haven't made any of those mistakes...so far!
( repooc, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:28, Reply)

Never get married
advice given to me by my grandma who has been married for 50 years.
(FootOfTim, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:24, Reply)

Never fart in an elevator.
Chances are good that in less than a minute you'll have company.
( Wanderer, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:24, 5 replies)

Here's a good one
Told to me by my poor neighbour:

Never buy shares, and never sell a house.

He's a shareholder and owns 3 houses, but is still poor. So I'm not sure if I should believe him.
(Smale is stuffed, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:20, Reply)

Star Wars
"do or do not, there is no try."

"trust your instincts. "

"let the wookie win"

"these aren't the droids your looking for."
(funkmotor is not the droid you're looking for, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:19, 2 replies)

When selecting gas cylinders
Read the labels carefully. VERY carefully. Oxygen instead of nitrogen is not a good substitution. Especially if the reaction you're about to carry out is very flammable/explosive. A good friend of mine nearly found this out the hard way.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:17, 3 replies)

Always remember the 6 Ps!
Proper Planning Prevents Piss Poor Performance

A friend once told me that's the database admins motto....apparently, it's served me well though.
( repooc, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:16, Reply)

Before you criticise a man
... you must walk a mile in his shoes.

Because then you'll be a mile away. And you'll have his shoes.
(North Utsira South Utsira, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:15, Reply)

Horses
Never look a gift horse in the mouth, but do check it for secret compartments just in case it's full of Greek bastards waiting for you to go to sleep before they sneak out, rape your women and burn your city down.

Paris
(funkmotor is not the droid you're looking for, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:14, 2 replies)

"Crumpet Sells"
Was the advice of a manager of mine. He was right. It's quite a workable recruitment strategy.
(fer fer fer fer fer fer, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:14, Reply)

If at first you don't succeed...
Skydiving is probably not for you.
(Bo Nidle Coming back in from the cold., Thu 20 May 2010, 19:13, 2 replies)

"If your friends are not prepared to accept you for who and what you are, they were never your friends in the first place".

( MatJ LOOK, Thu 20 May 2010, 19:11, Reply)

on my leaving for university
my friend gave me the advice that I follow to this day.

"Never take the gherkin out of a cheeseburger. It's probably the only bit of fibre you're going to get."
(cypherspace is not a toaster, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:59, 5 replies)

Failing to prepare...
... is preparing to fail.

Oh and "Prepare to fail, but expect to succeed."
(Wallilay has been bored of this shit since, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:56, 1 reply)

From Homer Simpson
"Kids you've tried your best and you failed miserably.

The lesson is, never try."
(Bo Nidle Coming back in from the cold., Thu 20 May 2010, 18:47, Reply)

There's only one good advice you should ever follow....
and that's don't ever give advice.
(Dante licked your nipple on, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:47, Reply)

People say
Life is short and you could get hit by a bus at any moment and that's why you should live each day like it's your last.

Bullshit.

Life is long.

You're probably not going to get hit by a bus and you're going to have to live with the choices you make for the next fifty years.

So watch out.
(Bo Nidle Coming back in from the cold., Thu 20 May 2010, 18:41, 6 replies)

Cure for Paranoia
Here's some advice I got from a long-gone manager who used his "made in Yorkshire" bullshit shield to great effect -
"Never consider someone's actions as malicious if incompetence can explain it just as easily."
Works on governments as well as individuals.
(Naughtius Maximus Stuck on the blog, desperate to log out., Thu 20 May 2010, 18:38, 3 replies)

My dad told me once
"Anything broken can be put to another use."

Truth be told, he was right! My office chair at home broke (one of the 5 legs snapped and the back came off and can't be reattached) but it is still usable as a chair and also comes with the handy benefit of now being an excellent workout station, great for crunches and the like.

I could get a new one, and am frequently told to do so, but it's still comfortable and is keeping me fit, so I see no need!
(General_Manchego, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:36, 1 reply)

Best advice I ever received was to not give advice, listen to what they have to say instead.
Most of the time people don't need advice, they just want someone to listen.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:31, 2 replies)

George Dawes
www.youtube.com/watch?v=bPsY_nhTtxg

Baked Potato
Baked potato changed my life
Baked potato showed me the way
If you want to know what is wrong from right
You must listen to what potato say

Do be good, don’t be bad
Thank you baked potato

Do be happy, don’t be sad
Thank you baked potato

And if you want to have a better day
you must listen to what the baked potato say

Do be early, don’t be late
Thank you baked potato

Always eat what’s on your plate
Thank you baked potato

And if you want to have a better day
you must listen to what the baked potato say

B A K E D P O T A T O

Baked potato!
( TheFinch is getting to grips with the complex plane on, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:30, 2 replies)

You can't wank & laugh at the same time...
Just try watching midget porn
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:26, 3 replies)

Just for today
- Try to live through this day only, and not tackle your whole life problem.

- Be happy, most folks are as happy as they make up their minds to be.

- Try to strengthen your mind. Study and learn something useful. Do not be a mental loafer, read something that requires effort, thought and concentration.

- Take your "luck" as it comes, and fit yourself to it.

- Exercise your soul in three ways: Do somebody a good turn, and don't get found out. Do at least two things you don't want to just for exercise.

- Don't show anyone that your feelings are hurt; they may be hurt, but today you will not show it.

- Be agreeable. Look as well as you can, dress becomingly, talk low, act courteously, criticize not one bit, do not find fault with anything and try not to improve or regulate anybody except yourself.

- have a program. You may not follow it exactly, but it will save yourself from two pests: hurry and indecision.

- Have a quiet half hour all by yourself, and relax. During this half hour, sometime, try to get a better perspective of your life.

- Don't be afriad especially don't be afraid to enjoy what is beautiful, and to believe that as you give to the world, so the world will give to you.


When you've done all that reward yourself with a nice stiff drink or your choice of class A' drugs, or maybe have a fight in a casino.
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:23, 3 replies)

Swallow
It will make your hair all glossy. (Rather than sticky)
(Suck it and Sea, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:17, 1 reply)

Righty Tighty, Lefty Loosey
Applies to at least 7 things everyday guaranteed!
(Dr Fishfinger Want's to see a fat man give a tit wank, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:16, 2 replies)

I will tell my children
(when one day I have some)

be careful what you put on the Internet. Because you can't take it back.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:15, Reply)

You can only piss with the cock you've got
See also : You can only shit with the arse you've got.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:14, Reply)

Buy Cheap, Buy Twice
Or in some cases buy cheap, end up in hospital or paralysed.
(mymilkshakebringsallthemongstotheyard poison hearts, poison minds - joining hate, Thu 20 May 2010, 18:10, Reply)