I wish I'd known this.
In Blackadder, the guy who wittily puts everyone down is admired and respected by everyone. In real life he's considered a poisonous little arsehole.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:57, 1 reply)

La Rochefoucauld...
...who's worth checking out, by the way:

'No one is ever wrong as often as someone who never acknowledges they are wrong'
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:57, 2 replies)

No fear.
No shame.

Say what you mean, and mean what you say.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:53, Reply)

Arguing on the Internet
Is like competing in the special Olympics.

Even if you win, you're still retarded.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:52, 5 replies)

Your imitation of the Young Ones
isn't as good as you think.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:48, 2 replies)

Hair / penis dichotomy
My terrible-what-was-I-thinking ex only told me one useful thing. His theory on the dichotomy of man is that men are more likely to wash their hair than their penis, so never pull a man with greasy hair.
Though on sober reflection this may have in fact been a window into his grubby (and not in the good way) soul.

Length - well I usually get apologies for the lack just before I put the little camera gets in. Its frightened don't you know x
(willydoc, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:48, 10 replies)

I live by these words
Prior planning and preparation prevents piss poor performance. Probably the most useful thing I learned in the army.
( uncle bastard is twanging a dan moi, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:45, 2 replies)

After Amberl's advice below
In real life, don't fight unless you absolutely have to. Talk, distract, run, whatever, you're more likely to live.

And if you absolutely have to fight, there are no rules. Fight to win; fight dirty and hard. Know the weak points and target them.

Fighting is not like in films. It's nasty, brutish, short and horrible. And if you hold back, you _will_ regret it.
( sanityclause is waiting until, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:45, 3 replies)

Don't look like a fish, eat from a dish

(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:43, Reply)

If you're feeling down
watch the Jeremy Kyle show. There is always someone worse off than you
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:43, 1 reply)

A bit preachy but worth hearing
These three stand out as having been valuable.

"Measure it twice cut it once." Excellent advice, set up the job properly and the rest will be plain sailing. Trying to do anything in a half-arsed manner inevitably leads to frustration and a piss poor result.

"Do at least one thing each day that you would rather not do." A good way of preventing yourself from becoming a self-pitying twat and generally reminding yourself that you're probably not too badly off.

"Never say anything just because you think it will make you feel better." No matter how much you want to call someone a cunt to their face, you never know when you might need their help.
(flimflam_machine, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:41, 2 replies)

Never rub another man's rhubarb.

(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:40, 2 replies)

'Neither a borrower nor a bender be'
is not good advice.
(Chizomsk, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:40, 1 reply)

Assumption is the mother of all cock-ups
the derivation of this is based from the experience that when someone tells you 'I've checked it and it's not part X that's wrong' but they haven't fixed it, then it's worth checking part X yourself. Engineers find it difficult to say 'I don't know what's wrong' so they usually volounteer something even if it's total BS.
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 20 May 2010, 17:34, 1 reply)

advice more women should listen to
he's NOT sorry
he WILL hit you again
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:33, 33 replies)

If 'If...' was tweeted:
Be cool, but don't be a dick about it.
(Chizomsk, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:33, Reply)

Don't fuck with the baldies
...'cos the baldies don't fuck.
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:30, 1 reply)

Schools
First day of working in a school I was given the following pearl of wisdom...

"Son, you've got a job for life. There's only two things you can be sacked for: fraud or shagging the kids.".

To this day I've never known a school employee to be sacked for any other reason.
(FieldingMellish, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:28, 3 replies)

If red covers the pink
Screw back and go for the brown.

God bless you nan, I still don't know what it means though
(Dwarfsmuggler Has hogtied Snow White, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:25, 7 replies)

Some advice I have heard over the years
from various people:

- Never fart in India, unless you are sat on a toilet

- Wherever you be let the wind blow free, as holding it in will be the death of thee

- Stock is as good (or better) than money

- If one bus doth one way come, soon t'other way come t'other one

- Always listen to at least one Fall song - or ever better, album - every single day of your life

- Swearing is NOT a sign of limited vocabulary, you egregious, fescennine cunt

- Never trust a crown green bowler under 30

Dr S
(Dr Skagra glorious glargzhem, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:20, Reply)

my friend's grandma
we went round there for lunch and my friend said to her grandmother, a real cockney who is about 85: "so are you courting, nan?"

and her grandma said:

"courtin'? COURTIN'? what would i want one of them ruddy things hangin' around the house for??"

bloody marvellous. i nearly split myself laughing!

the advice comes in because this was the same grandma who, when em went off to university, announced that she would always be alright if she "kept her hand on her ha'penny".
( rachelswipe with a fork, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:14, Reply)

My grandma turned 95 yesterday...
...she had a little shindig at her residential block down the road after we'd dropped round to see her. I thought I'd go along this morning and drop off a newspaper for her. She was sat in her living room, looking miserable and drinking endless cups of tea. Her sage advice?

"Don't mix sherry and gin and try to dance the Lambeth Walk with the retired Methodist preacher who annoys you on a daily basis... and when he declines don't throw the contents of your glass over him. Although Methodists are ruddy bastards, mind."

I'm curious to see if this advice might ever be applicable in my life.
(Zapiola zip-zap-zop, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:11, Reply)

Stay on the road
Keep clear of the moors.


Beware the moon.
( Herb Alpert's Taxi Driver I have very beautiful lips, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:10, 3 replies)

Never eat any food
because the people in the food factory throw it on the floor and kick it about. And then a dog pisses on it.
( amygdala, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:07, 6 replies)

Look after the pennies and the pounds will look after themselves.
My Mother who I love dealry is phenominaly carefull with money. I didn't inherit this habbit but had to learn it post divorce when I was is my mid 30's, Nowadays, I clear out my pockets everyday and put my 1p's & 2p's into a moneybox and my 5p's into a jar. You dont miss the 7/8p a day you are saving and when things get really tight you can count them out, its suprising how fast they add up.

Also. I always carry a good book with me, in the car or in my jacket pocket-its suprising how much of a book you can read in a week when your waiting around.
(Gru being trolled since 1998, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:06, 2 replies)

"Better to stay silent and be thought a fool,
than to open your mouth and remove all doubt."


Don't recall where it's from initially, or where I heard it, but it's stuck with me for a number of years.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:05, 2 replies)

Thanks Dad
took a long time to realise that the advice my parents were so fond of doling out was in the main part true and wise. That their years of life experience trumped mine and a lot of what I'd been through, they'd been through as well.

But the piece of advice that stuck with the most, was when I was much younger and a very angry person. I was about fourteen and though I wasn't exactly a fighter I certainly wasn't very calm. I never picked fights but I did get bullied a fair amount, and sometimes my temper would snap and I would do things I regretted.

So one night my father sat me down, told me he understood that I was going through a tough time, that he understood that just because I was a girl didn't mean I necessarily had the tools to deal with a situation. He told me 'if you're going to fight, and there is absolutely no way out, never throw the first punch, whether physical or mental.' I'd heard that before but the fact of the matter was I was 14, five foot one and about seven stone, if I let them punch me first I was going down.

So he told me a story of growing up in Belfast. Of moving there from South Africa after his father died when he was about ten, going to Ireland first, then Northern Ireland and having his mother die soon after. Of going to a Catholic school and being told continually he was a second class citizen merely because he was Catholic. Of the times when if a fight was picked it meant something. The story of an older boy picking on him because my dad had an odd accent, had lived with 'darkies' and because he was Catholic. How it eventually boiled down to a fight between them in front of their mates, and how my dad won, and turned to walk away only to have the other boy jump up and knock him to the ground when his back was turned. Eventually my dad won again, and he told me how he held the other boy down and spat in his face.

I was horrified. My dad is a headteacher now, and the most peaceable man alive. He doesn't even like violent films and I couldn't imagine that he would do such a thing. But he told me that, that ended the fight. A fight is not over until you win it, and you have not won until the other person knows they have lost.

I have never been in a physical confrontation since that age, and I never want to. But in every other area of life that has worked for me. I never pick a fight or get angry until the very last moment when pushed beyond endurance. And then I keep fighting until they've lost. Doesn't always work, but I don't concede.

So the best piece of advice I ever got was don't bother expending your energy and passion on anything minor. Wait for the big stuff and then fight it every step of the way
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:05, Reply)

"Don't get your meat where you get your bread from"
Given to me by my dear old da.

It's not a reference to butchers and bakers, it's about the advisability of NOT having a relationship with someone you work with. And it is 100% true - if the relationship works, then you're never apart. If it fails, you can't get away from the buggers without jacking your job.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 20 May 2010, 17:01, 2 replies)

Best advice I ever received was from my Dad
"Pick your rut carefully, as you'll be in it the rest of your life"

The reason this was the best advice possible was I duly appraised both his, and my Mum's career paths - 30 years of misery each as secondary school teachers - and so chose to do the exact opposite.

Best advice I'd give to my kids - if a job's shit, walk away. If it's doing your nut in, walk away. If your boss is a cunt, walk away. Life is far too short.
( rofl harris, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:59, 4 replies)

Buy flowers!
2 years ago my ex-wife & I split up and I was at the time pretty devastated. I took from it though a few very important life lessons about myself and how to treat others.
It seems it's not enough to just work hard and look after someone, you've got to make sure they know they're appreciated too or pretty soon they'll assume you don't care.
Couple of months back I met my girlfriend who quite frankly is in my eyes absolutely perfect and I can see us being very happy together a long time from now.
SO, keen not to make the same mess as before I decided I needed to learn from my mistakes. On being invited round for dinner for the first time I bought a modest bunch of flowers for the lady in my life (£5 at the supermarket), she was thrilled.
2 weeks later I'm back for dinner again (we'd seen each other several other times in between though!) so on a whim I bought more flowers, turns out she'd thrown out the old ones that very day so was again delighted with the new bunch.
Here we are today and numerous dates/weekends later and she's been singing my praises to all her friends, citing among other things how thoughtful it is that I bring her flowers and let her know I've been thinking of her.

£10 a month to let the lady in my life know I love her and that I'm glad to spend time with her? I think it's a bargain. Even if I'm still doing it in 10 years time £1200 on flowers is a fraction of what my divorce is costing me!

My advice: Buy her flowers, she'll love them, she'll love you for it and in the long run they're great value for money!
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Thu 20 May 2010, 16:59, 6 replies)