Michael Caine
My bf and I were discussing how The Dark Knight seemed a bit cursed - Heath Ledger had died, Christian Bale got arrested and Morgan Freeman was in a car accident. So I pointed out that I wouldn't want to be Michael Caine right now. My bf replied, "Well, funny you should say that but he shot his big toe off in a hunting accident the other day."

To be fair, that is quite a believable lie. Dammit!
(claireyfairy There's a smell in here that will outlast religion, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 15:07, 3 replies)

Chop!
Sitting at my desk, minding my own business (= mind wandering, as usual) I cannot help but overhear Admin Assistant A explaining to Admin Assistant J how to use the guillotine to make up something or other (its not important to the story OK). As she sliced the blade down she said " blah blah blah and here you go - - Chop!" There was something about the way that she said Chop so emphatically that I couldn't resist.

Being the Health and Safety rep I chipped in "Don't forget to say Chop either because it is a requirement from Health and Safety as a warning to those around you so they don't accidentally lose any appendages from what you're doing."

Dubious at first, I was backed up by Admin Assistant A and reluctantly J was convinced.

For the rest of the afternoon she merrily Chopped away. News spread and folk from down the corridor came to see me on various spurious errands just so they could admire my poor friend (we are still friends) and her safety conscious guillotinage.
(karnuvap, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 15:07, Reply)

silly billy
DEAREST ONE,

I GOT YOUR CONTACT INFORMATION THROUGH THIS AND I DECIDED TO CONTACT YOU DIRECTLY,HOPING THAT BY ALMIGHTY GOD GRACE YOU WILL SUCCESSFULLY ASSIST ME OUT FROM MY SITUATION AFTER MY SEVEN GOOD DAYS PRAYERS AND FASTING OVER SEEKING FOR AN OVERSEES GUARDANCE .

I AM ANDREA DASSE , (22 YEARS OLD) THE DAUGHTER OF LATE MR AND MRS LEONARD DASSE, WHO WAS A FAMOUS POLITICIAN BASED IN ABIDJAN,THE ECONOMIC CAPITAL OF IVORY COAST WHO WAS ASSINATED. I AM SEEKING FOR YOUR URGENT ATTENTION TO HELP ME TRANSFER THE SUM OF (US$10,500,000.00 )TEN MILLION FIVE HUNDRED THOUSAND UNITED STATE OF AMERICAN DOLLARS INTO YOUR NOMINATED BANK ACCOUNT OVERSEAS FOR AN INVESTMENTS PURPOSES,SUCH AS REAL ESTATES MANAGEMENTS AND STOCK MARKERTS.

PLEASE SWEET HEART, I AM WILLING TO OFFER YOU 15% OF THIS MY TOTAL FUND AS YOUR COMMISSION FOR YOUR URGENT ASSISTANCE TO ME. PLEASE KINDLY WRITE FOR MORE IMPORTANT DETAILS CONCERNING THIS MY MUTUAL TRANSACTION.

YOURS SWEET HEART,
ANDREA DASSE.

She must be gullible she thinks Gods good grace is going to help her get her mitts on my hard earned cash!

Edit: Apologies for caps but thats how the email was received.
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 15:06, 4 replies)

my missing brother/sister
When I was a little girl of eight my dad told me that betwen giving birth to my and my little brother my mum had had another child with two head that was both boy and girl. (I believe one head was a boy and one a girl). However, it had trouble walking on his/her many legs and fell down my mum's surgery steps and died.

I beleived this, despite having no memory of my now-departed sibling, and only worked out that it wasn't true when I was 16. My mum was telling me how she had opened her surgery and gone into labour with my brother the next day (i.e. little naranjita you can have it all..) and my first thought was "so i never had a two headed brother/sister"
(naranjita, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 15:05, 2 replies)

French taps are different
When I was 15 I had a school trip to Paris for a week. It was my first trip abroad, my first stay away from home and to say I was innocent would be a gross understatement.

Anyhow, one evening our teachers took us to a restaurant. I wanted a drink of water and so I went over to help myself from a convenient tap. However, it being French and me being English, I couldn't work out how to make the water come out. I could see nothing to turn or press or pull or whatever and, in desperation, turned to a waiter, who, through mime, managed to convince me that the water came out by blowing on the tap.

I was amazed. This was, after all, a completely different country. Different culture, different technology. That sort of thing.

I didn't work out I'd been fooled until I went for more water a little later and again couldn't make the tap work, no matter how I blowed on it.
(BearWithLittleBrain, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:50, Reply)

Where do i get my £50
the newsletter promised :'(
(PaulGadd -, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:42, 1 reply)

Striped paint.
While working in a theatre me, the stage manager and the DSM pulled a stunt on a visiting PFY type who was doing work experiece with us.

Stage Manager sends PFY backstage for a tin of 'stripey paint' for the set. PFY sensed he was being taken for a ride, but the Stage Manager insisted. PFY returned a few moments later to ask "horizontal or vertical?".

Goes back, returns with tin of paint from DSM, which the Stage Manager promptly begins applying to one of the Tormentors (fuckoff big canvas flats, fo you non-luvvies out there). Lo and behold it goes all stripey.

Unknown to PFY the crew had painted stripes on the flat with candle wax first.
(Dionysian Aut viam inveniam aut faciam, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:40, Reply)

The most gullible I've been was while reading Bill Bryson's book 'Mother Tongue'
To be fair to myself though I'd expect such a well respected author to do research rather than making everything up.
( Zuowan, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:37, Reply)

Dihydrogen Monoxide (DHMO) - A Warning
This chemical is dangerous! Be very aware folks, for it is partly responsible for a multitude of sins (see below):

It's also known as "hydroxyl acid", the substance is the major component of acid rain.

It contributes to the "greenhouse effect".

There is overwhelming scientific evidence that it contributes to the erosion of our natural landscape.

DHMO accelerates corrosion and rusting of many metals if present. Some metals have to be treated to avoid permanent weakening from exposure to DHMO.

DHMO has been observed causing electrical failures and decreased effectiveness of automobile brakes if the braking system is contaminated.

Dihydrogen Monoxide has several commonplace applications, which include:

Being used as a cooling agent in many types of nuclear reactor.

As a fire retardant.

It has extensive applications in farming and it will accumulate and linger in foodstuffs.

It's also been known to be used as an additive in bottled water.


So be wary folks... If in doubt, consult a qualified chemist.
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:37, 15 replies)

Winning smile
Many years ago I was doing basic training to become a soldier in the TA. My best mate had recently left the real army. There was another bloke in our training squadron who was, to put it nicely, as thick as a brick.

Shortly before going into the field for our end of training exercise we had to 'cam' up so that the imaginary enemy couldn't see us.

Anyway my best mate was able to convince thick as brick that he had to cam up his teeth - otherwise when you smiled the enemy would see you miles away - and he should be trusted because he went to the Gulf War. Thick as brick then puts a thick coating of cam cream all over his teeth.

Shortly afterwards 30 odd blokes are pissing themselves laughing at thick as brick with his big brown smile. I had tears running down my cheeks it was that funny. Still chuckle about it now
(angusinoz, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:31, Reply)

Ooops, I did it again
My friend Craig is a cock. I love him dearly, I’ve been harbouring a not-so-secret crush on him for the last ten years; he bankrolled me through my PhD and he’s one of the funniest people I’ve ever met, but he’s a cock. For it is he who is responsible for a lapse on my gullibility meter that resulted in a conversation about underage porn which one should never have with ones PhD supervisor.

It took me about 4 months to write my PhD thesis. It’s a weighty tome, 300 pages in all and has all the scientific validity of a paperweight, which is incidentally what it is now used as. I wrote up in my office at the lab, an office I shared with 8 other people. In order to drown out the inane squawking coming from the two guys at the end of the room, I invested in a pair of headphones and trawled the new fangled interweb to find me a radio station. Something with no DJs, something suitably shouty to keep my spirits up (note to potential thesis writers, do NOT listen to Radiohead while writing. 8 hours of data analysis is bad enough, it’s positively suicide inducing when served with an accompaniment of Thom Yorke).
Anyway, I asked Craig what he would recommend as he knew his way round the web far better than I did. “Evildildo.com” he said. “Really?” I replied, “you’re not winding me up are you?” “No,” he assured me, “it’s a real website, not porn or anything.”
So I tried it, and he was right. Great music, no DJs, just what I wanted. I went back to him. “Thanks, mate, any more you can recommend”

“Try Smooth Jazz, oh, and Teensluts.com, it’s American indie music, the kind of stuff you like.”

Except it isn’t, is it. Trustingly, I typed “Teensluts.com” into my address bar and was greeted with what looked like Britney Spears in the “Hit me Baby” video. Well, if in the video she’d been sucking an enormous black cock…

I froze, horrified. Then I was treated to the porn pop up frenzy. Every window I tried to close, another one would open, with more and more lurid images. I was squealing “make it stop, make it STOP,” but no one was coming to my aid. They too were frozen, horrified because my supervisor was standing behind me…

After a long, painful conversation about why I had been looking at underage girls in the kip, he agreed to let the matter drop.

Craig met me for coffee and said “hey, did you try the websites I gave you?”
“Yeah, like I’m going to type in Teensluts.com. How stupid do you think I am?”
“I did wonder. God, imagine if you had eh…”
“Yeah…”
(Rakky (forgot her password) The muffin maverick, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:30, 7 replies)

I told my sister that in continental Europe in addition to toblerone you can buy toblertwo and toblerthree.
She believed this until she was about 18.
( Zuowan, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:26, Reply)

for years
i believed and assisted in spreading the myth that marilyn manson was actually the geeky best mate from the wunder years.

well, he does look like him!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:26, 3 replies)

they really did have weapons of mass destruction
honest...


no really they did...

really...
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:19, 1 reply)

Seams
Lying in the bath as a young lad, feeling around as you do, I was surprised and not a little alarmed to find that I had a 'seam' running all down my dick, around my balls, and disappearing into my arse. Knowing only little about human biology I grew increasingly concerned about this.

The only person I felt I could talk to about my concerns was one of my older brothers. Some family history - I have two older brothers who were adopted, but I'm the natural child of my parents.

Big bro' was more than happy to put me right. He explained carefully how my parents had been desperately hoping for a natural son. When they had finally managed to conceive they found that the child was a girl. So they put the infant child through gender reassignment therapy, including surgery to sew up the lady bits and attach a dumbstick. That explained the seams.

Horrified, I retracted into my shell for days, if not weeks, unable to talk properly to my parents, shocked at what they had chosen to do to me, also full of thoughts about what this meant about me and my persona.

Until I talked to my best mate and he told me that everyone has that. He even offered to show me.

I got my own back by calling my brother a bastard, as he is, quite literally.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:18, 1 reply)

Ive been looking all morning
and cant find it, but that message on here a few weeks (or months) back.

Where it said im watching you. With your facebook picture in.

Fell for that badly - in fact a mild panick set in.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 14:05, 4 replies)

Survey
In the mid nineties, pop act The Tamperer brought out a record with the refrain "If you buy this record your life will be better." The refrain provided the title, too.

(UPDATE: Yes: this is what I mean in all its glory)

Did anyone actually do this, and were their lives improved? Or were they gullible fools? I think we should be told.

And I hope they kept the receipt for a full refund.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:58, 4 replies)

My mate Sara
is so gullible. I told her that the BBC Programme 'Walking with Dinosaurs' was real.

Sara: "But they didn't have cameras back then".

Me: "It wasn't filmed back then. It's recent footage, y'know, like Jurassic Park".

She also doesn't believe that fossils are real. She thinks that "some blokes must have put them there"...
( addickted has attained freedom, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:51, 4 replies)

That ‘Scientology’ Lark.

I mean, what the blithering fuck was I thinking???

Love,

Tom Cruise, (1 year from now).
(Mr Twisty Cheeky The worst kept secret in B3ta..., Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:44, Reply)

When all this was fields.
And my mates and I were too young for the pub, and had no car, so an E-xciting time in the woods was out, we used to amuse our selfs by necking micro dots, and wondering the streets for the night.

On one such evening we were round a mates house before the fun had begun, waiting for the last of our group to arrive, and enjoying some of natures finest flatty- God I miss that stuff, whoever came up with the idea of soap bar should be shot- when an evil plan was hatched.

The plan: when we're all nicely tripping we'll sit on a bench in the park for a while, then someone should suggest going for a wonder, after an hour or so we should end up on the same bench, then the same person should suggest going for a wonder again. The idea being that the person we were waiting for who we shall call The Bear- for that is his name- will understandably say 'but we just got back' at which point we can all try and convince him the last hour of his life was all in his head, and in reality only a few seconds had passed.

It worked a treat. The Bear span right out, and was on a bad one for the rest of the night.

I think that counts as gullible.

Length- It's all to do with perception.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:39, Reply)

I have a very gullible friend called Ria.
In the 6 years that we have been friends, she has not learnt that I do enjoy a good wind up and that perhaps she shouldn't assume everything I say is fact.

Examples include convincing her that she had a name sake that wrote extremely obscure books for cats (this went on for months):

Example 1
Example 2

and making her believe that scientists had genetically modified bees to carry groceries for the elderly. Hours of fun.
( Devon Dan without geometry, there would be no point, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:34, Reply)

One of my dad's friend convinced me that humbugs were, in fact, freeze dried and sugar coated bees
Which I fell for hook, line and sinker. For ages.

He also showed me a magic trick, involving me sitting on the floor with my favourite ted in front of me. If I closed my eyes for 30 seconds, ted would disappear. I was amazed!
( LemonEntryMyDearWatson This time, Moriarty, the hand is on the other foot, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:30, Reply)

Fooled once, shame on me..
As the friend of a particularly gullible set of people, I have fun with this by regularly telling them 'facts' such as 'lightbulbs were originally built to last forever, but as part of a conspiracy to keep us buying more, the government occasionally causes a surge in power so the filament pops.' Other such gems, include telling a worried friend who'd told me his ears were ringing, that he would never hear at that note/frequency again, as this was the sound of his ear cells dying. Well, one has to get one's kicks somewhere.
(godbox 3rd best prostitute in London, after mum & sis, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:29, 1 reply)

A warning
If a man comes to your front door and says he is conducting a survey and asks you to show him your bum, DO NOT show him your bum.

This is a scam! He only wants to see your bum.
I wish I'd got this yesterday. I feel so stupid and cheap.





All credit & clicks to go elsewhere, this is far from being my own. Makes me laugh though.
( Moey, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:29, Reply)

Couldn't believe it
My friend TK and I were on patrol in some sand-covered craphole. Just had to sort out a civil disturbance with some couple who ended up killing themselves with a grenade, so not the nicest of days. Plus it was too hot.
We were stood there by the side of the road looking around for any insurgenty terrorist types when up drives some old gimmer and some kid I can only assume to be his grandkid, along with a couple of friends- a short white on and one camper than a weekend with the Scouts.

So we stop them, ask them a couple of questions and are told they're not the ones we're looking for! Clearly this old guy was trustworthy (being old and wizened looking) so we just let them pass. 2 days later and kablammo! Up goes the new base. Turns out the guys we let past were pretty key players in it all.

Ah, well. You live and learn. We're building up a new base now- and this one should be fully armed and operational before the building's even finished!

Cheers
A. Stormtrooper, formerly of Mos Eisley
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:26, Reply)

Are YOU Gullible?
- Friends constantly taking the mickey?

- Ever been sent for a "long stand"?

- Still believe that the "G" word has been removed from the dictionary?

I'm offering a complete cure for these and all the other symptoms of gullibility.

Just deposit £50 in my paypal account for the first in a series of lessons that will transform YOU into a hardened, skeptical cynic.
(apologies_for_length, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:16, 1 reply)

Gullible - not any more
As a youngster I was easy prey, particularly with my dad. He once convinced me that the crunchy bits in crunchy peanut butter were pieces of dried insects. I don't know why he told me that, I never ate the stuff. Bastard.

Things came to a head when as a 17 year old waiting outside the cinema screen for some 1990 Steven Seagal film my friends convinced me that food and drink were not allowed in the viewing area. After a nervous glance at my watch I swiftly downed my bucket of coke and ate my popcorn, I even suggested that the others should hurry up as we would be going in soon.

My shame was only finally brought home when I realised ten minutes into the film that I really needed a piss and my mates were calmly eating their corn and sipping on their drinks. As my bladder burned I was determined to not give them the satisfaction of running to the bog mid-film. The film was shit as well.

Fast forward a few years and I am now a cynical untrusting, suspicious individual. I have recently succeeded in convincing some colleagues that the company we work for does animal experiments on pandas and that dogs are sacred in Madagascar (that's why you won't find them on any menu there)..
(mersault, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:05, 1 reply)

The One That Got Away.......
OK so it wasnt me I was there.......

It's great having kids especially when they hang on your every word and believe all that you say, even when it's clearly bollocks.

The daughter is one such child and every now and then (don't take the piss to often, it makes them suspicious) I've had a day or two of fun.

One such occasion happened when me, the missus and the bairn were at a place called Portavadie (just outside Tighnabruaich) for the day.

In the hills above said place is an old abandoned settlement.

After doing the Grand Old Duke Of York thing we were duly marching back down again when on a whim I says to little Miss DM, "Look there's a Haggis".........

She spins around just in time for me to further advise her that the timorous little beastie has shot of into some long heather and is hiding.....

Now being around 9 at the time and still eager to learn she was full of questions such as, "What's a haggis"? "Where do they live"? "What do they eat"? etc.

Well after much explaining I told her what we could do is try and catch one so she could see what they look like and then let it go again.

I had to explain that as they are so timorous and shy it takes the local haggis farmers a full year to catch enough to sell and that's why they have a special celebration for them on Burns Night.

Anything we caught would have to be freed. (there is no captive breeding programme) and anyway we didn't have a "haggis hunting licence".

"How can we catch them when they are so shy" quips said child, clearly think "yea right dad you have no chance of outrunning anything furry".......

So I go on to further explain that there are in fact two distinct breeds of haggi, lefties and righties....

The difference being that lefties have the short legs of the left hand side of their body and can only run around hills in an anticlockwise direction.

Righties on the other hand have the two short legs on the right hand side of their bodies and can only run in a clockwise direction.

All we had to do was pick a direction and run in that direction waving and shouting as we go and any haggi coming towards us would take fright and try and run back from whence they came.

As they would now be running in the wrong direction for their breed (i.e. their short legs would now be on the downhill side) they would role down the hill and we could catch them at the bottom (because this is after all how the haggis farmers round them up).

Easy.

So after an eager look of we shoots with much waving of arms and shouting (interspersed with me laughing my lungs out) in search of the fabled beastie.

Back and forth we shoots until we eventually hear something scuttle through the heater, (probably a rabbit)...

At this point I shouts to the bairn, "That's us, straight down hill and we will get it at the bottom".

Well once at the bottom we continue to run about a bit through heather, bracken and gorse before I finally succumb to my age and tell the daughter to go look herself as I'm clearly to big and noisy to be jumping about.

I then got to spend a good 30 minutes sitting enjoying the sun with the missus before we call the chase off and head back home.....

Happy memories and all.

Until just before the following Burns Night when I find Little Miss DM is clearly sad and unhappy.

"What's up"? says I.

"It's the haggis", says Little Miss DM, "I'm just sad at the thought of them getting eaten".

I let the missus put her right as I didn't know whether to laugh or cry......

She still scowls at me over that one.............
(Dark Matter All The Wonders In The World & We Invent Boredom, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 13:03, 5 replies)

My mate
convinced me that he was going to buy a keyboard from George Harrison.

Not the George Harrison asked I.

Yes, he's retired, runs a music shop down the precinct he replied.

Can I come when you get it asked I.

Yeah sure replied he.

And will he be there asked I.

Probably, replied he, it's his shop.

Wowwww!! I concluded.

Golly jeepers, I am a big soaky sponge twat, arent I.
(tinypod will never learn. Ever., Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:56, Reply)

On Behalf of Honree - Frame Buffer
My Friend Honree used to work.
At the height of the Gulf War he hacked into his friends computer to the frame buffer and flashed up in big red letters 'SKUD ATTACK'
Which the operator belived much to the hilarity of people surrounding him.
Thank you honree :)
(The_artist_formally_known_as_alz0r, Fri 22 Aug 2008, 12:56, Reply)