Microsoft
George Galloway
Noel Edmonds
John Prescott
People who wear polo shirts buttoned up
People who wear sunglasses in bars
Comb-overs
Breakfast cereal
Excess advertising breaks in films
Gherkins
People who season food I've cooked without first tasting it
The opinions of French people with regard to English cheese
Customer service agents that use my first name without asking
The Brummie accent
Really short socks
Patrick Kielty
Davina McCall

One could go on and on...
(anvil, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 13:34, 7 replies)

Irrational Hatred of words!
This doesn't seem to have been covered yet!

I have no idea why (I guess that's what makes it irrational!) however the word "elbow" really annoys me! Just say it to yourself a few times. Elbow Elbow Elbow Elbow Elbow Elbow Elbow Elbow Elbow Elbow. Do you see what I mean or is this just me?

Another word is genitles, it just sounds.... wrong.

I quietly seethe to myself whenever i hear those words, I quickly calm down after realising there are others more worthy of hatred.... Chris Moyles anyone?
( MoeLester Don't judge a book by its movie, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 13:33, 5 replies)

Now this 1 is fairly specific.
People who can't pronounce "Pleiades" properly. It's the fucking 7 Sisters dude, get it right!
People who can't tell the difference between Crux Australis and the False Cross.
People who have no idea what the Triangulum Australe is.
Mouth-breathing, inbred,ignorant c*nts all of them!

I fear I may have painted myself into a corner here.
For the boffins - even with the index I've got here & the lack of elevation - magic tonight. Orion said hello.
(Misery McUglywife an attention seeking sociopathic fuckstain., Sun 3 Apr 2011, 12:58, 3 replies)

Foam rubber
Evil, evil, evil stuff. Makes me feel sick.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 12:38, Reply)

oh, irrational you say...
I really, really hate the sound of cotton wool.
(Brightside, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 12:26, 2 replies)

Management
Blue sky thinking - this does not imply that anything imaginative is about to happen. Blue skies you say, blue, like the sky up there, the normal, mundane, every day sky? What about some Green Sky, that would be unexpected wouldn't it?

Outside the box - the only box you're going to end up, inside or otherwise, is your fucking coffin, you over-paid prick.

Going forward - presumably, through context, you're referring to the passage of time here? Yes? Good. That's what time does. Unless you drive home in a particularly pyrogenic car (and no, you picky medical sods, I do not mean in the sense of a fever.) How about we all just revert to "In future" and stop sounding like we're on board some kind of managerial mono rail to hell.
(Brightside, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 12:13, 4 replies)

Cheesy DJ hell
Weddings, office christmas parties, dinner 'n' disco = living hell. The mobile disco DJ who hasn't bought anything new since 1989 and doesn't see why they should. How do they get away with playing Agadoo to a room fill of grown adults and still get work? I sit and fume, rage building, wondering why everyone else is dancing to The Music Man (pia pia pia noooooooooo).

At our last office christmas party, rage building, I announced that if he played the Grease Megamix (which is the ultimate signature track for the lazy bastard DJ as it enables them to sneak off for a piss), I would have to slap him.

At least I had the decency to explain why I was slapping him beforehand, so it didn't look like an unprovoked assault. I'm angry, but it doesn't mean I want a criminal record. Or to hear one.
(sags tupac-a-hats, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 11:55, 8 replies)

Getting things wrong when I am correcting someone
A few months ago, Private Eye ran a cartoon showing Batman and Spiderman attending the same party.

In the next issue, the following letter appeared:

'I would like to draw your attention to the error in your cartoon. While I am glad to see comics getting some attention in your esteemed organ, I should point out the glaring error in as much as Spiderman is published by Marvel Comics and Batman is published by DC Comics. As such the characcters exist in entirely separate universes and would never appear in the same cartoon.

Yours sincerely
Oliver French'


Well, I thought, how wrong can you be? And two weeks later, my letter appeared thus:

'Sirs,

While it was nice of Oliver French to show an interest in comic books, despite the accuracy of his statement that Batman and Spiderman appear in separate universes, he is entirely wrong to state that they would never appear together. In fact they have been able to do so in many of the DC/Marvel crossovers that have been published down the years, as any true fan of comic book lore would be able to tell you. It is a good job I buy Private Eye to hide the comics I read on the train every morning in or this sort of nonsense would go entirely unchallenged.

yours

Scarpe'.

And I was proud. A letter. In Private Eye...Me!

Until, two weeks later:

'Sirs,

While Scarpe, correcting Oliver French, was indeed accurate that while Batman (published by DC comics) has appeared with his arachnid-based fellow superhero (published by Marvel Comics) over the years, I feel obliged to point out that the characters name is Spider-Man, not Spiderman. To refer to him as the latter would be like referring to Robert Killroy-Silk as thatbloodyidiot.

Lee Barnett'.


I hate Lee Barnett.
( scarpe We Stole Bikes, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 11:37, 6 replies)

Mick McCarthy
...for dragging my beloved Wolves down into the fizzy pop league once more with his constant belief that young lads from Ireland automatically merit a first team place regardless of how good they are.

Piss off, you wonky-nosed prat.
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 11:35, 1 reply)

Ooh, this is so my type of question!
Here we go:

Suitcases with wheels
Beards
Picture by-lines in newspapers and magazines
iPods and iPhones and iTunes and iPads
Airplane seats on trains
Television
Leaf-blowers - use a bloody rake!
Sweating / getting hot
Hippies
Socialists
Christians (oh and Jews and Muslims)
Apollo deniers (i.e. people who say we never got to the moon)
People who say "I really must be going now" then hang on for hours and hours. Just go!
Saying "passed" instead of "died"
Sunglasses
Woolens with zips
The term DNA used out of a biological context. Living things have DNA - companies do not
Ponytails on men
People who insist on calculating to the last fucking penny when splitting a restaurant bill
And the rest...
( electric_goat, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 11:25, 10 replies)

Women sports news presenters
Women, always banging on about how there aren't enough sports presenters.
I don't know about the sports programmes because I never watch them.
But the sports bit at the end of the national or local news is always, always presented by a woman.
Get back to the kitchen.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 10:41, Reply)

Swans
What is the point of those necks? Ducks make do with short necks while doing, as far as I can tell, exactly the same thing as swans.

I think that swans may be the upper class twits of the bird world; cutting about on parts of the Thames with their royal protection, bullying other birds and generally being feathered cunts. They're worse than the Bullingdon Club. Ducks seem much more down to earth, a bit like those women who work in Greggs (except in the London branches, where they're uniformly grumpy fuckers).
(square go, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 10:26, 3 replies)

My girlfriend
absolutely hates when I lick my fingers while I'm eating.

It's irrational because I only lick them when I'm eating with my hands anyway, like watermelon or pizza.

She claims it's unsanitary, I claim she's mental.
(Ejaculantern was caught desecrating pumpkins on, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 10:09, 1 reply)

People who stand on escalators.
It's not a fucking ride!

Closely followed by people who walk on escalators but then stop two or three steps from the end, as though their awesome momentum will make them misstep and they'll be sucked into some stygian underworld of grease and gears.
(Ejaculantern was caught desecrating pumpkins on, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 10:06, 6 replies)

I Hate It...
...when our friends become successful...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Sun 3 Apr 2011, 3:15, 2 replies)

The colour orange
I don't have a clue why this is, but to me the colour orange screams "cheap and skanky".

I've felt this way for many years, way before fake tans were in, so I don't believe that's the reason - possibly it's because of those luminous orange sale signs you sometimes see - but you also see luminous green ones too and I don't hate green, so possibly not. I have no idea.
(Freakmandu, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 1:16, 11 replies)

I'd say many bad English examples
stem from bad enunciation. For example, the there/their/they're problem; looking up these three words to see the pronounciation shows that in the international phonetic alphabet, (a series of symbols for describing every sound the human mouth can make), "their" and "there" are pronounced the same yet "they're" is slightly different.

They're = ðeɪə
Their/there = ðɛə

"Should/would/could of" is people not saying "could've" correctly. It appears more and more too, which is alarming. Do teachers no longer correct bad spoken English anymore?
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Sun 3 Apr 2011, 0:45, 11 replies)

And now the weather...
Not content with raging at the news, I'll have a go at the weather too.

That bit on the BBC weather broadcasts where they zoom in and go on a grand tour of the country gets me really wound up. What's the point? That bit of cloud is not going to be where you say it is at that time of day and you damned well know it. And while you're there yaking away about what's supposed to be going on in each little bit of the country, you're eating into the time allotted with the result that sometimes all we get is what's happening in the next 24 hours. Don't point me at the website because that's even more wrong than what you've just told me, and it changes every half an hour.

And why exactly don't we get Monday's weather forecast until Sunday (unless there's a bank holiday)?

On a far more trivial note, Carol Kirkwood should take "that" dress out and burn it (you know the one). It's horrible!

Edit: Google's a wonderful thing. The search on "Carol Kirkwood" also yielded this in the results.
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 23:18, 5 replies)

They're not fucking irrational!
Words :
"For free" It's either free or it's for nowt. Speak fucking English!
"Text" is not a fucking verb and "texted" is not its past tense! Speak fucking English!
"Fifty PEE". It's fifty pence you ignoramus.
"Literally" in every second sentence and meaning nothing of the sort. Look the fucker up!
Travel :
Ignorant cockends who sit in lanes 2 and 3 of a motorway not passing anything.
They're probably the same ones who fly up behind you at night then sit on your quarter dazzling you for three miles because they're too stupid to pass in one go.
They're probably also the same twats who pull out to pass a lorry then drive alongside it for miles, too scared to GET OUT OF THE FUCKING WAY!
Drivers around Cambridge who slow to 55 when approaching a 70mph revenue camera.
Politicians :
All of them
Work :
Knobbers who think they're important because they've got "manager" in their job title. Sorry, cock, yer a number same as me.
Everywhere :
People who moan about things they can't do anything abou . . .oh.
(The Jannie, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 23:04, 14 replies)

Phrases that Mrs Twaddle abhors - part 124
People who say "Jog on" should be sent to an exclusion zone and be force fed their own entrails while watching a loop of the "we-torch-any-car.com" ad.

I have spoken.
(pussy twaddle performs indiscretions in branches of Millets..., Sat 2 Apr 2011, 22:59, 1 reply)

News "Analysis" and Unncecessary Outside Broadcasts
This drives me up the fucking wall. All these talking heads they get on the news to pad the thing out by "analysing" it. I don't want the news analysed. I can understand it just fine thank you very much, and if there is something I don't understand (and I care enough about it to want to understand it), I can look it up on this marvellous new thing called the Internet.

By far the worst example of this was during the run up to the Iraq invasion. There was that final meeting at the UN where they couldn't agree on anything so the war mongers in the US and UK governments just gave up and blamed the French for not letting them get their way. I was watching this live on BBC News 24, and basically they broadcast what the UK, the US, and the French representatives said and very little of what anyone else said (I do have to say that Dominque De Villepan spoke wonderfully well and logically on the subject at hand). The rest of it was pictures from the UN with some cuntfuck jabbering over the top of it. Hello! There are sixteen other nations represented around that table, all of whom get a vote before anyone gets to veto anything, so wouldn't it be an idea to find out what their mood is instead of just assuming that everyone except the French would vote for it? As I recall, both Russia and China were talking of vetoing as well, but that wasn't really up for discussion.

The BBC regularly do this with the Budget as well. As soon as the chancellor's speech is over, show a couple of minutes of the opposition response then cut to a load of has been politicians and other assorted pundits around a table. Thank heavens for BBC Parliament!

And then there is the matter of pointless outside broadcasts. It's ten o'clock at night and there is some reporter stood in front of the Old Bailey with a full outside broadcast unit telling everyone about some case that has been going on. Why is he still there? What a fucking waste of our license money. All those people standing around outside an empty building waiting for news of a case that isn't going to resume until the following day just so the news team can show that they're on the scene and ready to report anything that happens as it happens in the assumption that we'll all be terribly impressed by that. Send the outside broadcast unit home and put the reporter back in the studio where he belongs; it's cheaper and less pretentious.

They do it whenever there's flooding. Send someone out to stand in the flood waters and do a report. Why? Do they think that we don't know what water looks like? If all the reporters got out the water, it would probably be a few feet lower!

[/rant]
(An eejit passing by in a purple satin skirt with sparkly bits, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 22:46, 6 replies)

Stupid noisy toddlers in public places
I get so infuriated if i'm in a public place and i can hear some toddler screaming its head off or just making general stupid noises, especially in restaurants...

oh also last time i helped my mum with the shopping she had to almost physically restrain me from drop kicking a toddler all the way down the isle of sainsburys because he was crying about not being allowed pom bears, they may be some of the best crisps ever but it's no excuse to be noisy when there are hungover shoppers around. Rant over.
(bamslower i like cheesecake..., Sat 2 Apr 2011, 22:04, 5 replies)

The only two things I hate are
white buttons, the kinds that have two, three, or god forbid FOUR little holes to sew them on. I close my eyes when I can't avoid touching them.
Snakes. Not even Discovery can sell them to me. HD or not.
(Lorelai, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 21:55, 2 replies)

Pardon
I refuse to say the phrase 'pardon me?' if I fail, as I often do, to hear something. It just smacks of the bourgeoisie. I'll say 'what?' and mean it.

I've done nothing blinking wrong; you've just flipping muttered.
(Chickenwire social lubricator extraordinaire, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 21:33, 4 replies)

I just hate intolerance.

(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 21:05, Reply)

Chammers
Total twats who insist on eating really loudly. And with their mouths open at the same time. DO THEY NOT REALISE!!!!

I feel violent everytime I am exposed to that noise.
(Oops....did I say that out loud cos I really bloody want to., Sat 2 Apr 2011, 20:28, 4 replies)

Adam & Joe
I've never managed to sit and watch (or listen to) a show of theirs all the way through without thinking a little way into it 'why am I bothering? I can't stand 'em', and turning over/off pretty sharpish.

Even the inner geek in me, which should have found all those star wars skits funny, didn't. It's irrational because even though I've never actually seen more than a few minutes of anything they've done, I can't wait to turn over or turn off, convinced I'll hate it, and by association, them.

/See also: Boosh
( The Great Architect is still waiting for his account to be deleted on, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 19:50, 1 reply)

The term 'hun'
Especially as it usually appears along side 'txt spk'
(sbtoronto, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 19:31, 10 replies)

PDA
Surprisingly enough, no I don't want to watch you foreplay on the subway/in the supermarket/in a restaurant/on the street.

Holding hands is bad enough.
(sbtoronto, Sat 2 Apr 2011, 19:30, 4 replies)