American sitcoms and 'cartoons'
I cannot STAND the Simpsons, Friends, Cheers, King of the hill or any American crap like that. I can't see any funny in them at all. I'd give anyone £1000 if you sat me in front of a tv set and put one of these so called 'funny' programs on to try to make me laugh. I'm not a miserable sod, it's just they're not funny. Another thing that annoys me is the laughter track thats put on. It's bleeding obvious when they do it, and thats most of the time. You need to just listen to the program to do that.

There! i've said it.
I dare say i'm going to be shot down in flames over this, but I don't care.

Length? I've had no complaints!!!
( skullbuggery uh huh! kissed a cow!, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 8:19, 14 replies)

I am a big ball of irrational hate
Yet I can't think of many specific examples that don't involve being a boring language pedant. Sod it:

I hate it when people ask to be served something by saying "can I get" when they mean "may I have". I mean, are they asking to fetch the coffee/sandwich themselves? Clearly not.

While on the subject: I hate coffee culture and the stupid specials ways you have to order coffee. I don't even drink the stuff. What I hate more is that it's starting to invade tea drinking. When I go to Costa and ask for a tea with skimmed milk I'd like to make it perfectly clear that I want skimmed milk as full fat in tea just tastes wrong and semi-skimmed isn't a default option! If you then serve me what you call a "skinny tea" I will kill you because there is no such fucking thing.

If you have ever ordered a skinny latte, I hope you get leprosy.
(Rilux might be pregnant and has bum-aids, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 7:44, 3 replies)

I hate....
Ricky Ponting - he's a cunt!
(Dirtyleeds, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 7:39, 4 replies)

people that say
somethink, everythink, nothink.
Should have a large letter K made with razor blades shoved into their anus and spun round very slowly then chilly peppers inserted into them.
(Captain Spacker I lick windows, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 7:33, 4 replies)

MACs...

Not just MACs - anything and everything Apple-related. If Apple discovered a cure for cancer, I'd probably refuse to use it just on principle. Yes, I am that irrational about Apple and it's products.

Why? Because, back in the mists of time, I was trying to get a fucking MAC onto a network and it was doing my head in. I finally snapped when a smiley face popped up on the screen and cheerily informed me that:

"You don't need to know how to do that...."

- or words to that effect. I very nearly dropped kick the smug fucking bastard of a machine. But that experience has tainted MACs in my head and I can't break out of that mindset now. Which again, is totally irrational as I've had far worse experiences with PCs:

Waiting 25 minutes for a Novell server to boot while several hundred users were baying for my blood.

Watching in horror as an entire mail-queue evaporated before my eyes.

Having a PC just refuse to do *anything* right at the start of an important demo and than happily burst into life as soon as everyone leaves.

Yes, I've had far more grief from PCs than Apple gear but still the hatred remains.

cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 7:22, 7 replies)

tenderhooks?
TENDERHOOKS!?

ARGH! *Stabs you in the face with a Honda Accord!*
( Peej, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 7:01, 1 reply)

Leonardo DiCaprio
I've enjoyed some of his films, but something about him just makes me wish he'd spontaneously burst into flames. Now he's just adding fuel to it with his upcoming massacre of Akira.
( Ithyphallophobia, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 6:24, 8 replies)

ACDC
Being Australian I'll probably get lynched for this as ACDC are a fucking national treasure...
But they are just one of the worst, overrated bands in history, anyone with two ears can tell that much.
Music for people that dont really like music.
(technocore, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 5:59, 6 replies)

In no particular order
1.Spiders
2.Trains
3.Sanding
4.Onions
5.People
( jakedamusss I understand, and dont care., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 5:11, Reply)

trains that don't fucking move at RR crossings

(CactusZack Shaved his coin purse on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 4:33, Reply)

Just a couple
People who can’t take responsibility for their own actions. i.e.’ even though I was unlicensed, drunk and speeding when I killed my passenger, it’s their fault for letting me drive.’ wtf?
Or the old faithful ‘It’s not my fault, I was abused as a child’, and especially ‘the Govt don’t do enough for the unemployed’ – ok, it’s not enough you get paid for doing fuck all, free medical, rent assistance and huge piles of cash thrown at you if you happen to birth a sproglet or five. Try working for a living you freeloading arseholes. (not directed at people who are GENUINELY looking for work, of course).
People who take their small children out to shopping centres and get them to hand out religious pamphlets. Who says I can’t tell a small child to ‘fuck off’?
People talking loudly on mobile phones, in supermarkets. Wait until you get home to call your BFF and tell them about your day, I don't need to know.
Governments who sell off your countries resources to an Asian conglomerate and put shitloads of people out of work and create country ghost towns because of it.
Teenagers who think they’ve invented swearing, dancing, music, emo, vampires, really bad dress sense and driving dangerously (ooh err, you’re sooooooo cool in your hotted up wankmobile making big squealy noises) and not realising its all bindun before they were born. BY ME!!!!
Call centres in India. I’m sorry, I realise you live in a poverty stricken country and need a job, but so does the bloke down the road from me who has a mortgage and a family to support, and was pretty job secure until you came along.
I think squirrely squirrel and I would get along just fine…….
(Monkee girl not a monkee, not a girl, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 4:17, 4 replies)

People eating noisily.
I think someone else has already mentioned this, but I wanted to put in my bit as well.

People make some noises when they eat, that's a given. I'm fine with that. but when they chew with their lips apart so you can hear every little sound amplified? It makes me cringe.

Slurping fluids? If your coffee or soup or whatever is too hot to eat then LET IT COOL DOWN. You're not in danger of starvation, you can wait for a couple of minutes.

Smacking your lips while you eat? For fuck's sake, there is no excuse for that at all. I cracked down on my kids as infants about that one, and they have better table manners than most now.

But the worst of all? Eating while you're on the phone with someone. Ever listened to someone eating an apple over the phone while they talk to you? I've been known to ask people to call me back when they're done, and then simply hang up on them. I don't care that you're calling during your lunch break. Finish your goddam food before you dial me. Otherwise I'm going to take my cell phone with me into the bathroom and take a very noisy shit while holding the phone by the toilet seat, and see how you like that.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Fri 1 Apr 2011, 3:30, 3 replies)

Ants
I've always been suspicious of these little f*ckers, with films such as Phase IV (1974) and Indiana Jones & The Kingdom of the Crystal Skull (2008) hardly helping matters.

There's something sinister about 'em. What do the f*ckers want? Then I stumble upon this on t'interweb: news.bbc.co.uk/earth/hi/earth_news/newsid_8127000/8127519.stm

If I didn't have a pang of loathing about them before, it's been exacerbated somewhat now I can tell you. And although they've never done me any (physical) harm (yet) and I'd not wish to be painted as some sort of weird insect racist, I'd love to get a bloody great big boiling kettle and go to work on 'em all...

...and now I can't stop itching...
(SonoraAeroClub "OH SWEET HELEN OF BALLS!", Fri 1 Apr 2011, 3:17, 3 replies)

Someone who utters the words "It's me glands"
While simultaneously shoving a pie into their mouth.
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 2:38, 2 replies)

Anyone who uses "them" as a third-person singular noun needs to die.
"Them" is plural, not singular. Use "him or her" instead. It might take fractionally longer to say or type, but it doesn't piss me off.
( flake has nothing against your right leg, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 2:14, 2 replies)

The sound of a can opening.
Horrible, semi organic, plappy slurp.
(Cancer Joy was short lived, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 2:11, Reply)

Oooh! A chance to post a link to my ...
(almost never updated) blog about things I hate.

I've also just added an entry so I can post something here.

Blue LEDs on Everything

Let me explain this one: an LED is a light-emitting diode, and is familiar to most people in the form of the tiny blinkenlights festooning nearly every gadget ever made. As it happens, blue LEDs were a serious technological challenge and not available until fairly recently. The moment they became available it sparked a technological revolution as suddenly white light was available from these tiny, extremely economical bulbs, and technologies like Blu-ray could exist. This is a truly great thing, and I therefore love blue LEDs.

The problem is that every gadget manufacturer simultaneously suddenly saw the popular appeal of the intense blue they produced, and now one almost cannot buy a gadget without the things on the front of the device. Why is this a problem? Why has it elicited my hatred? Because they are too fucking bright for their actual purpose and do not inherently communicate anything.

This is very simple. Green means "on", orange means "standby", "charging" or "processing" and red means "off". It's a scheme that has worked for ages and is still employed by responsible manufacturers because everyone who lives near a road with a traffic light understands it.

But now nearly every device has a bloody blue-violet eyeball-tanner instead of a proper status LED. This is particularly galling on audio/video components, where, when watching a movie late at night, it is difficult to see low-level detail on your TV screen because you are blinded by the power lights on your gear rack. I have a USB wall charger that I bought specifically to charge things overnight without the sound of a computer intruding on my precious sleep, and the stupid blue LED on the thing is so damn bright that it's actually possible to read in bed with it on.

Are we all over this new colour yet? I am.
(Ladyfingers is in your wardrobe,, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 2:04, 10 replies)

People who look like me
Listen here dopplegangers fuck off back to the mirror dimension or get a haircut and some coloured contact lenses!!

Thanks for letting me get that off my chest.
(shake'n'bake Tally Ho, Biatch!, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 1:45, Reply)

People who can't get the usage of the word 'lose' right and stick an extra O in it.
(squirrelysquirrel, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 1:02, 12 replies)

Agnostics
I shouldn't hate agnostics, I really shouldn't. As an atheist we are, after all, more in synch with each other's positions than we are with that of theists. Neither of us actively worship deities and we all live our lives without giving the slightest thought to the viewpoint that our actions are going to be judged when we die and our souls confined to hell. We both have our reasons for not actively worshipping a deity; an atheist can tell you their reasons and the agnostic will sometimes give the same the reasons or the philosophical position that it's all essentially unknowable.

So why do I hate them?

Because to a man (or woman) they're inevitably smug, self-satisfied cunts, and their agnosticism is invariably delivered from this self-appointed lofty position of smug faux-authority. Turns out, when you question them, they once heard some piece of postmodernist philosophical wank from some prick follower of Derrida or another gobbledigook peddling 60's revisitionist bullshit artist and it's lodged in their brain like some annoying song they haven't managed to dislodge for umpteen fucking years.

And now they're crawling out of the woodwork with their fashionable whinge that "atheists are just as bad as Christians waaaaaaah" shite that they get from Guardian op-ed pieces. And some of them claim they hate "fashionable hatreds". Oh the irony.

Yes I'm looking at you Vagabond you smug, self-loving "look at me, look at me - I really must respond on every fucking thread because my ego needs huge amounts of validation" useless waste of fucking space.

There. I feel better now.

Cheers
(Dildo Bugger destroyed a ring on, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 0:34, 8 replies)

Bam Fucking Margera
From all those silly Jackass and CKY movies. Everything he does and says makes me puke a little in my own mouth.
What an arsehat.
(technocore, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 0:28, 2 replies)

The end of the world is nigh...
No it isn't. The Mayans couldn’t predict that the Aztecs and Spanish would kick their arses let alone anything that is going to happen in the 21st century.

Every other month some religious nutjob makes a claim that divine forces will destroy the world (the latest being 21st May this year). Inevitably they claim to have discovered some secret biblical code that has eluded the finest scholars for the past 2000 years.

The irony is that you don’t need to search hard to find an indication as to when the world will end in the bible; just read the words in it. Christ clearly states in the synoptic gospels that the world will end within the lifetime of his twelve disciples [Matthew 16:28, Mark 9:1, Luke 9:27 and Matthew 24:34-35, Mark 13:30-31, Luke 21:31-32].

The fact that the incarnation of the omnipotent and omniscient creator cannot get the timing of the apocalypse right means a) you have got no chance, and b) it might just all be bollocks.
(champagnerocker, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 0:21, 2 replies)

Not I but a guy I worked with
I used to work with a guy who looked, talked and acted like a young Mark Corrigan from peep show. He was a great laugh and a good egg so I offered him a malteaser. He rejected rather firmly, when I asked why he didn't like them he gave the following "justification".
"They're just to round!"

I imagine his inner monologue berating him for being an odd ball.
(Mong goose, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 0:11, 1 reply)

Indicators
People who move the indicator stalk (or the windscreen wiper stalk) by moving their entire hand and gripping the stalk. It's meant to be moved with your fingers without having to let go of the steering wheel.
(Smale is stuffed, Fri 1 Apr 2011, 0:10, 1 reply)

So-called internet
You know how you become allergic to something as if it's been accruing in your cells somewhere until it reaches levels that triggers a nasty immune response?

I've been getting like that with the term "so-called". It's since I started reading my local rag and the comments sections. The frequency that the comments feature the term is astounding and seems to be only used by those with an ill-informed right-wing argument.

"These so-called students.." or "so-called support groups". Does it actually mean something and they're using it properly, or are they using it incorrectly, or is it just rant-filler and actually has no meaning?

Whatever it is, it grates on me more and more each time I read it, putting my eyes on edge like the optical equivalent of nails-on-a-blackboard teeth.

Mind, I do get some repose by picking apart people's comments and pointing out that they don't have a clue what they're talking about and seem to get their opinions from The Sun and 'what their mate Barry said in the pub the other night'. People of the 'but-I-read-it-in-the-paper' mindset.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 23:59, Reply)

when american blogs / newspapers call it 'The London Times'
or The Times of London and italicise the London bit as it it's part of its name.
( alistair, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 23:39, 1 reply)

"I aksed him..."
I can't fucking stand it. People who say "aksed" or "axed" or whatever it is the fuck they are saying when they mean "asked".

These people are invariably chubby merkins who make two short planks look like a computer. But it gets my dander right up.

What is so fucking difficult about three letters? When did axe become a verb? How about I axe you? Axe you right in your colossal belly and watch the fat pour out like a split carrier bag full of custard?
( Draconacticus Reject shampoo. Demand real poo!, Thu 31 Mar 2011, 23:39, 12 replies)

Grammer and spelling Nazies
I hate you. I draw up a lovely design for your brosher and I have to add in a lot of text to make sure allthe font styles and layout look greeat.

I tehn make a PDF to show it about, and sure enuff I'll have addeda typ[ or two in the copy. (I don't always use Lorem Ipsum as its faster to type utter bollox. I got moaned at for not using english anyway.)

In the meetings, half of the fuckers can't get over the error in the text (which is going to be totoaly changed anyway). Just look at the colours and layout.

I can't do a fucking thing if you need to see your shite text in the design before you've submitted it.

My mayet who is also dislexic doesn't have proplem readin whats on the page to get the meaning, then moving on. Why can't you? Text conveys the idea, fuck all else more. I like spelling ov with a V.
(waxdart hello., Thu 31 Mar 2011, 23:31, 3 replies)

Today
I don't know if this a recent thing, or I've just noticed it, but the lovely people working in my local Waitrose append every question with "today?"

"Would you like a bag today" I was asked, erm, today.

In the spirit of qotw research, rather than reply with my usual "yes", I said, "I'm only planning on being in here for a couple of minutes at the most, so yes, I suppose it will need to be today"

The lovely person working at Waitrose handed me my bag, with a smiling mouth and steely eyes that said 'I want to stab you'.

I put my card in the slot "Would you like cash back...today?" she asked. I think the head office uses ex-Nazi scientists and mind control, or something.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Thu 31 Mar 2011, 23:26, 2 replies)