Early 90s video
I've never had a particularly bad interview myself, but remembering way back to my PSE classes, I remember having to watch an extremely amateurish video showcasing three (ficticious) people going for a interview for a secretary placement in Leeds. There was one 19 year old interviewee called "Nina" who was like the "Murphy's Law example" of all interviewees. Every single question she answered got her deeper and deeper into the shit, and despite the stern looks from Mrs. Bretton the entire class could not help but piss themselves laughing... let's see (please be aware that Nina has a thick nothern accent and has what looks like a dead cat on her head)....

Interview Lady: Come in Nina
Nina: (comes in and drops banana skin on desk) Hi, I'm Nina (sits down and props feet up on other chair)
Interview Lady: You won't believe this, we used to go to the same school!
Nina: Oh really, was it a complete dump in your day too?
Interview lady: Didn't I tell you I was a governer there?....
Nina: Oops.

(Later)

Interview Lady: What would happen if someone came in, claiming to be selling the best thing since sliced bread, but I wasn't available?
Nina: I'd tell him to "P" off!
Interview lady: You don't really mean that, do you?
Nina: Of course I don't, I'd arrange an appointment at a suitable time... and "then" I'd tell him to "P" off!

(Later)

Interview lady: Why do you want this job?
Nina: I suppose there are more chances of making advancements! (ie, I'll have your job one day, bitch!)

(Later)

Interview lady: Let me tell you about our teleph-
Nina: No need, I've dealt with all kinds of systems!
Interview lady: (evil stare for the interruption, which lasts about 10 seconds for all the school kids watching to "get the message")

(Mrs Bretton stops the cassette)

Mrs. B: Right, how was Nina's interview technique? Notice anything??
(knife_of_justice, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 2:03, Reply)

Hmmm...
Spanna's reminded me of a better one, in a similar vein. While a student, an interview at the Coach and Horses in Soho (the proper one, on Greek Street, not the one where all the advertising cunts hang out).

No bar experience. Being interviewed by Norman, known far and wide as the rudest landlord in London. He offers me a pint. I knock it all over his new suit.

Those who know will know... Suffice to say, not good. I avoided the place for three years, and he still looks at me funny...
( TV's Nosemonkey, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 1:47, Reply)

I once went to an interview
for the position of ice-cream man, and I--*is shot in head*
( Malchick, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 1:34, Reply)

My favourite job interview...
Interviewer: So where do you see yourself in five years?



[Thinking to himself "Don't say doing you wife. Don't say doing your wife."]

Doing your, uh, son...
(PsychoApeMan Riding a white pig to the edge of Lapland, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 1:26, Reply)

Not my own story, but a really good one nonetheless
A good friend of mine from graduate school was interviewing for her first professorial position. One of the interviewers... brought her dog. Apparently it sat on the table throughout the entire questioning period.

My friend spent a lot of time wondering whether she should pretend the dog didn't exist, or whether she should acknowledge it (therefore possibly alienating the other interviewers). I forget which she ended up doing -- probably ignoring it, if I know her -- and she got the job. She's still teaching at that university actually. So's the woman with the dog.
(hapaxlegomena, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 1:07, Reply)

Drinking problem
At my last job interview (for a summer work placement) I was asked if I drink. It seemed inappropriate for a job interview, but I was going to be working and living around a lot of college undergrads, so I thought that perhaps they just wanted me to be a good influence. I realized, though, that if I got the job, I didn't want to be found out. So I answered that I do drink sometimes, but not to excess and not with people I don't know well.

I got the job (even though I couldn't answer the "Tell us about a time you had to convince someone of something" question because I'd just broken up with my boyfriend and my brain was shouting "I FINALLY CONVINCED MY STUPID EX-BOYFRIEND THAT WE ARE, IN FACT, BROKEN UP" - which didn't seem interview-appropriate) and went off and worked for a while. Talking to some of my co-workers, I discovered that the correct answer was "yes" because they had a guy who didn't drink there once and the skeezy president of the company didn't like it when he flew over for his party weekends and someone didn't play along.
(foam rubber moai, Sat 22 Jan 2005, 0:25, Reply)

During a spate of recruitment...
...a batch of nervous-looking interviewees turned up at work (a rather large company in the game industry that sounds nothing like 'Tony').

I'm busy at work when the awkward screech of the fire alarm forces the human contents of the entire building (only couple of hundred employees) into the car park. In the rain.

Not being a scheduled fire drill, thoughts turn excitedly to 'is there really a fire?'. Well, there was a small fire. In the gents. At the end of a cigarette in the mouth of one of the interviewees, puffing away blissfully unaware of the fully armed and operational smoke alarm above the cubicle.

The whole building knew within ten minutes of returning to work and the best of it is, the silly sausage STILL had to sit through the interview.

Did he get the job? "Amusing comment in the negatory."
(Green-Alsatian, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 23:13, Reply)

The dog got the job, not me.
I was an industrial photographer in the Middle East. Having spent some time under Secret Police escort I left the country, with my Landcruiser, SCBA gear and belongings all in the flat, never to return. Paronoid bastards.

I needed a job at Christmas quick like.
I answered an advert to be a Savoy Social Photographer, you needed your own 2 1/4 sq camera. I took my £8000 Hassleblad system along
and took some test photos, which this chap developed in the coal bunker, next to the basement office around the corner from the Savoy.

I thought it weird that the female boss was wearing a giant overcoat, gloves and a scarf. Mind you its was bloody freezing in there and they told me it was a temporay glitch.

The photographer insisted we had to buy and wear our own black shirt and trousers, although his had egg spilt down the leg.
Anyway they were actually genuine, they took photos of guests after conferences and dinners in their diamonds and furs, the companies paid them and the photos mailed out - 10x8 colour.

I can do this I thought - for a bit, if there is cash involved. I passed the photography part of the live interview.

Next I was asked to type a full letter to a client on an old black Remington Typewriter, like the one in the Science Museum.

The swaddled female muttered and address and I typed up a full reciept. (turned out to be a real one too.)

I gave it to her and she looked it over and told me I had to sign it off too.

I placed it back into the Remington (all journos can type y'know - just with 2 fingers though)

So I thought - what shall I type?
Well there no reason to use my real name on a dummy test letter is there?

So I thought hard and typed:
Yours faithfully,

Fred Bassett


(It's a cartoon dog in the Daily Mail, which I was found and was reading in the foyer before the interview)

I was told the fat swaddled female couldn't type in the cold, her fingers were too sore that day!

They said they would let me know and I left.
The next day I took a lowly job in Fenwicks Brent Cross and sold a massive reserve of cabbage patch dolls to the stupid public.
Boy the other staff were morons, I mixed up Action Man with Sindy in the tank and put the Alien on her Horse. I also raced multiple slot cars on the same tracks and sold loads and loads to rich kids with their parents Gold Cards.

2 weeks later a badly hand written letter with terrible spelling arrived in my mail drop.

I opened the cheap envelope and unfolded the cheap post-war style paper.

Same letter head, post-war printing I think - they'd been in that bloody coal cellar for years it seems, the postcode gave it away.
Only three letters y'see.

Well someone had got the job but it wasn't me.

You see the letter and envelope were addressed to Mr Fred Bassett and congratulated him on getting the job and could he start Monday?

I still shudder at the idea of coming form 6 years in the middle east at a daily temp of 32C to a savoy coal celler at minus 5C.

Bollocks, Brent Cross was warmer.
(chrisjw, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 21:55, Reply)

Tesco Express
They have this kind of personality test thing to fill in and hand back to them. They mark your answers and decide whether you're suitable for an interview based on your score.

I handed one of these said forms back to them in the hope of getting a job to earn a bit of extra cash. Luckily I get a call within a week, inviting me in for an interview. ASAP. Really, really ASAP. After twenty minutes of running in circles trying to find a smart pair of smart trousers and shirt, I was directed into the interview room. Things move fast in the shelf-stacking business, doncherknow.

The room was basically the staff tearoom. About five feet square, and with safety notices pinned to the wall. And totally devoid of human life. I'm left there for the best part of twenty minutes when a monkey walks in the door and tells me they've lost my test, and can I do another one please. Fair enough, I think, I'm desperate for the money. So they shove me back in the intervew/tearoom and I fill in the form again. I then sit there for a further twenty minutes, on my own, before anyone turns up to see whether or not I've died.

The monkey then returns to the room to mark my test. Right in front of my he whips out a transparent, place-on-the-top style answersheet that clearly indicates the correct answers. Approximately one in every eight answers is worth any marks, the others all being worth 0. Remember, this is a personality test and not a knowledge quiz, so all the answers are positive things. And I can read the answers from where I'm sat. They've clearly been picked at random, as there is no obvious pattern to them. I also see I've got about 50%. Not bad for a randomised test.

The lord monkey then pulls out the mark scheme for the test. I can see this clearly as well. It is essentially a giant multicoloured arrow covering the page. The top is green, middle is yellow, bottom is red. Each section of the arrow has accompanying sections. It takes him about two minutes to drag his finger all the way down to the red section. He then turns to me, and in all seriousness says "I'm sorry, this says that I shouldn't have invited you to an interview. Can you leave please?".

Needless to say I left, swearing and cursing over the two hours (ish) of my life that I had lost.

I'm not apologising for length, you love it. You slags.
( Noit happy baby orangutan, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 21:53, Reply)

Uni Work Placement interview...
I went for an interview at a software company, and managed to get through the first two interviews with different departmental managers without too much hassle. The last interview of the day was the essential one with the Managing Director, and one of the last questions was how many children did I have? I replied "Only two. But I know whats causing it now...."

I got the job!
(Mike Literis, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 20:09, Reply)

First ever
job interview was for good old mcdonalds at a service station near me. Was 16 and 3 days past leaving school for forthcoming "study leave". No guidance from parents about what to do/say etc before interview so off I toddle in mismatched suit, white shirt, no tie (only had school one) accompanied by my brand new Record of Achievement (3 days old).

Sit down and interviewer asks if I know anything about the company. Cue much spouting about financial figures, company structure which I'd learnt in Business Studies (McDonalds being our case study for the exam, ker-ching!). She looks slightly bemused at this, then carries on with "Now, I see you haven't specified a job position, so we'd be expecting you to be a 'Crew Member'. What kind of duties would you expect to undertake?"

At this point I realise that flipping burgers, operating a till, working the drive-thru are quite specialised skills, so I respond with "I guess cleaning would be pretty important"..."Yes, obviously for hygiene reasons - anything else?"...."Ummmm, not really?"....."Well you'll be making burgers, operating the till..."

Following week - first ever rejection letter, how proud I was! Month later, interview at Little Chef on other side of motorway - "what would you envisage doing in your job?"..."Oh, waiting on, cooking, cleaning, preparing food etc etc"...result!

*apologies for length*
(polya, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 19:54, Reply)

I shot the interviewer
I've since been told that's never a good start. Ah shit.
(lost_monkey, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 19:15, Reply)

But I'm too young!
Best ever interview was when I was 16 going for a glass collector job at the local caravan holiday park. Turned up and said hello to Dave the manager. First question was, "Can you pull a pint?"

"Yeah, reckon so", I replied.

"Go on then", he says and points to the bar, "pour whichever one you'd normally drink".

I did and remarkably, as it was my first time using a proper beer tap, pulled a pretty near perfect pint.

"Nice one", says Dave. "You start behind the bar Monday night."

"But I'm only 16", I pointed out, "I'm too young to work behind the bar."

"Yeah but you look 18, if you don't tell anyone then neither will I. Now, are you going to drink that pint?"

Worst interview was probably when I was contracting and arrived at the client's office to find the agent had told them a totally different story about my experience than
I'd put on my c.v. We ended the interview agreeing that the job wasn't right for me and I wasn't right for it, only for the agent to call me and say, "they're really keen, I think
you've got that one" 30 minutes later...
( S tr app y, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 19:09, Reply)

jobstart
A whole day of interviewing a poorly turned out collection of apathetic "job seekers" the job club had sent along to us was enlivened when, after persuading the candidates to sit down round a table; the head of the Jobclub announced " I will have to speak loudly as someone has set off the Burglar Alarm across the road"......"It wasn't any of you lot was it???"
( bezmanstar, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 19:03, Reply)

worst job interview i ever had was a few weeks ago
as i now work for mcfatty's
( Brown cow, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 18:52, Reply)

A Wall Street Story (true!)
I was a manager on Wall Street. As you all know its a very competitive environ, so we were always looking to steal brokers from other firms. So, in order to get 'inside' the firm and steal broker names, you would go on an interview with the target firm. A buddy of mine, named Stephen was especially good at this (he taught me everything I knew!)he had a resume he would submit in response to job posts in the WSJ or NYT. In that resume he had the following under previous employments:

Telemarketing Manager: Learned the motivation of sales people through physical reprimanding techniques. Especially good at not leaving marks.

Ringling Bros. & Barnum & Bailey Circus: Costumed entertainer. Learned to catch pies with face, get shot out of canon and drove tiny cars.

Under technical skills he had: Nintendo (Super Mario Bros.)

Under his personal strengths: Can do 25 push-ups a day.

Extracurricular activities in college: Founder of "Find a Friend Club"

He ALWAYS was offered an interview and only ONCE did the interviewer even raise an eyebrow while perusing the resume/cv. That guy had to excuse himself from the room to go out into the hallway to laugh out loud.

And to think, people had us managing their Millions for them! HA HA HA

The fake name he used: Rick O'shay (nickname: Rabbit")

God I miss working with that guy!

Sic Semper Tyrranis!

Sean
(CitadelSean, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 18:49, Reply)

had my first job interview on wednesday
got all the usual questions, stumbled my way through em because i hadnt prepared at all.
"And how do you think your friends would describe you?"
"They'd say i was funny, a bit..."
"what kind of funny? funny 'ha ha' or 'funny' funny"
"a bit of both really. i have my own kind of humour, that not many people get....im kinda surreal and weird...kinda."

didnt get the job
(3mo Kid, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 18:28, Reply)

Sainsbury's
During an interview at Sainsbury's I was pulled into a tiny office and asked mundane questions including what I liked about working. My answer?

"I don't fucking know."

Failed a job interview at Sainsbury's. Shameful, but not as shameful as not using any form of punctuation in my posts whatsoever (like the post below).
(ElectricMonk is falling awake on, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 18:22, Reply)

i went
to an interview for college with the worst hangover ive ever had reeked of beer from being sick the night before from drinking to much had to stop myself being sick still got the college place.
(fwack bang on it, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 18:09, Reply)

I'm crazy. Hire me!
I was interviewing for my first job as a page at the local library. The librarian interviewing me was asking a bunch of standard questions "What are your strengths, weaknesses blah blah blah.." I was doing rather well at making things up, if I do say so myself.

Eventually, she got to "What would your friends say about you?"

Well, I'm in full BS mode at this point, so I say something like "Well, they'd probably say I'm a hard worker, I'm organized-" at this point the interviewer was giving me a slightly funny look. Apparently, this wasn't what she was looking for. So I decided to tell the truth.

"-and considering they're MY friends, they'd probably say that I'm absolutely insane. Certifiable, even. But they're nuts too, so it all works out."

She stared for a few seconds, then burst out laughing. I didn't get the job, but was recomended to work at another branch, where I did get hired. Result!
(dragonrose, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 18:08, Reply)

not a job interview exactly...
It was for a scholarship pageant(which I absolutley abhored by the way) a few years ago in high school. I walk in, everyone exchanges pleasantries etc. Question number one: How do you feel about the 9/11 terrorist attacks?
Umm...?? How am I supposed to feel? She could just as well have aimed a shotgun at my head... I cried.
I also got royally screwed in the talent competition.
(ok, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 17:56, Reply)

I'm modest
But even I think I'm vastly over qualifed for my current job.

Interview was a breeze, then typical any questions at the end...

"How much is the the salary?"
"Name your price"
(a realistic) "14-15K"
"How about 11?
"OK"









loving the work btw.


meh
( The Lurker Plenty One, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 17:41, Reply)

Knickers
Things weren't going too well and the interviewer asked if I had anything to say or could do that would remind them of me. My girlfriend put a pair of her knickers in my bag for good luck, so I pulled them out - I didn't get the job...
(dernuke - ARTCRAP, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 17:35, Reply)

I really don't understand
the need that some guys seem to have to humiliate girls for having the temerity to have slept with them.
(SusK, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 17:34, Reply)

They have toilets in offices up North?
A couple of years back I was working for a big paper manufacturer located up near Manchester. We were a man down on the team and were looking for a new SAP consultant to join us...

The office security guard came through to our area and asked the admin woman if we were expecting visitors. Yep, and why she asked. "Well" said Kevin,"there is a guy who turned up about 10 minutes ago is now pissing up the wall at the back of the car park in full view of the security camera."

Admin woman heads into the main reception and boyo is now confidently strolling towards the building. "I'm here for the interview!" he announces... Now our admin lady was not one for taking any kind of sh*t and basically said "What the hell do you think you were doing? Did you not think we'd have toilets in here?".

Now the guy hadn't lost the situation completely here and a profound apology might just have rescued the situation. However, the way his brain was wired up suggested "I'm not taking that kind of shit from a secretary, I want to see the manager who is supposed to be interviewing me" was the best line to come out with.

Good old admin lady goes in, gets head honcho after explaining the situation who comes out and tells the guy to piss off and that his manner is disgraceful. Quite why this guy thought he was doing himself any kind of remaining favour at this point returns with "this is disgusting, I want to see the director please." Head honcho takes out business card handily emblazened with "IT Director" on it, hands to him and says "we'll let you know" and walked back into the office.

He didn't get the job.

Even better on replaying the video the guy actually looked like he was trying to write his name on the wall. Nice.
( dan j the filthy bastard, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 17:24, Reply)

Joke Face
I once went for a job interview for a major bank where they asked me what I thought were my strong points...I'd naturally said "well I have a good sense of humour" to which the guy said "go on then, make me laugh" so I disengage my brain and say "You don't need me to make you laugh mate, all you've got to do is look in a fucking mirror"...the interview went downhill from there...
(littleben hasn't anything funny to put here, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 17:03, Reply)

crap one... but
I was asked to attend an interview for some tosspot communications company (not BT).
Anyway, after there was a large group of us taking long winded and idiotic american assesments. We came back a couple of days later for an interview (very few of us). This was my first *real* interview, so i basically fluffed every single bloody question, i was almost reduced to tears when the guy stopped me mid-answer and said "No thats not how you should answer it" and he basically explained how i should...
so every answer was cunted anyway, went home with tail between legs.
Started the following monday. heh!
( Tikoloshe, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 16:52, Reply)

The dirty stop out....
I mate of mine a few years back had a job interview for a graduate entry position at the European Marketing Department for a famous frozen food brand. A month earlier at a house party he met this nice looking blonde mid/late 20's and completely off it on every class A drug going and tons of booze. Well my mate is a bit smooth talker and a bit of cad ended up getting in there and said he had probably the most depraved sex he has ever had in his entire life. He said he almost needed a walking frame to get home the following day.

You can see where I'm going with this can't you...

Well anyway he rocked up at the interview and half way through he was told that the head of pan european marketing would be joining them for the stage 2. Stage 2 kicks off and in walks the blonde from the party!! My mate had an inkling that the interview wasn't well and was most likely not get the job so decided to have a bit of fun and make this girl squirm a bit - queue lots of double entendres and ridiculous hints...
Q)Why did you leave your last job?
A) I got absolutely shafted by my boss
Q)Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
A)I feel that I have the necessary drive and experience to be on top of management. etc etc

This poor girl sat there absolutely crimson and the other to interviewers were giving her strange looks because she didn't say a word whilst my mate was giving her sly winks. Anyway after about 10 minutes she said she felt unwell and buggered off.

Wish I had an interview that good. Mine have all been shite....
(don the wrong, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 16:51, Reply)

Best Job Interview
Some graduate programmes have telephone interviews, and I'd managed to get one with British Gas, but it was pretty early in the morning, and I was at the girlfriends. So, here I was, in bed, in my pants, just after having some frantic morning loving with the girlfriend, answering questions about "when is a time when you've taken control of a situation, why do you think a role at British Gas would suit you" and so on... All interviews should be like that.

And I got to the final assessment centre. Fools.
(scentless_apprentice takes two bottles into the shower!, Fri 21 Jan 2005, 16:41, Reply)