Not really a job interview...
...like a few 'special' people in my sixth form I had the opportunity to apply to Oxford OR Cambridge (Can't apply to both. Why? Perhaps they're nonces, who knows?)
Anyway, had intended to apply to Oxford because it was a damn sight nearer to my 'at home' house, not as much competition and generally sounded less up it's own arse than Cambs.
But noooooo, Mr Knobber the Twonk who handles such applications for the school and helps those students gives me a ticking off and lets me know that you can't reject Cambs for those silly reasons (the home one).
So because I was weak willed (still am, if any ladies what their evil way. Please) I plumped for Cambridge.
Not only did I do an open application and get dumped into the crappist, furthest from anywhere ladies (until recent in Cambs terms) college, Girton, but I arrive with a duffel sports bag thing, school trousers and a blue shirt with no tie. Loads of other feckers in suits. Doh.
Day one with first interview.
Prof: "Hello I'm Professor Gitsworth. Now, why do you want to come to Cambridge?"
Me: "Well actually, Oxford don't do the course I want"
Entirely true as well.
Should have lied and said something about the Masons.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 20:04, Reply)

Interview for position of fire investigator
(think Bobby De Niro in Backdraft). Got put in a room with a washing machine, given a screwdriver and told I had "five minutes to explain why this machine nearly burnt down a family home".
( Rev. A-MOL is lurking around these parts again, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 19:58, Reply)

I had to interview someone...
...for the position of Web Developer the other week. Advert had said that we wanted someone fluent in PHP, with good HTML and CSS skills.

We had a guy reply who seemed pretty good, so we brought him in for an interview.

He seemed like some sort of manic depressive. Worse still, it rubbed off on to me. I felt chronically down after the interview. Even worse, he had pretty much "lied" on his application. He didn't know PHP, he only knew a little bit of HTML, and had no knowledge of CSS. He knew Java though. Which is great. Except we didn't want a Java programmer.

He said he could no doubt pick up PHP, HTML, and CSS within a few weeks. Sorry dude, we need someone now.

I was dying to ask him if he had stairs in his house (I'm sure some of you will know the significance of that) but I thought my boss would most likely wonder what I'd been taking that morning. Next time...
( GazChap, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 19:48, Reply)

Smug bastards
I had one interview where they had a smirk on their faces before they even asked me a question. Then the template went like this:

Q: How much do you know about (obscure computer topic that has little to do with the job)?
Q: On a scale of one (you know very little) to ten (you are a wizard), how would you rate yourself?
Q: (A question pertaining specifically to the topic I had no knowledge of)

This was repeated word for word for about five random subjects before they smirked, sorry, showed me out.

The middle of the office was dominated by a giant chess set on which occasionally staff would take a break and try to out-smirk each other with their spoddy 'cleverness' (for which read: knowledge of computers, no knowledge of life itself)

I didn't get the job, by the way.
(DamoUK, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 19:18, Reply)

Moons ago, as an office manager
I was interviewing prospective candidates for the reception/assistant position.
One lady with a fairly impressive resume came in, and after the usual introductory blather I asked what her career goals were. Her response?
"I'm going to take your job from you and eventually fire you". Obviously she never got the job.

Another turdbrain that came in to interview had massive, and I mean MASSIVE tits. My 38D chestage looked like bee stings against these things. She came in wearing a very short mini skirt (this was a professional office, btw), a very very low cut top and her belly hanging out. When she was shown into the interview room (by my manager - male) I promptly informed her that that was not suitable dress for an interview and that I would not interview her dressed like that. My boss pissed himself laughing while he showed her out the door.
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 19:13, Reply)

Bar application
I'm not sure if this is the best or worst thing I ever did, but I put "The dawning realisation I'd become everything I hate" as a reason for leaving my previous job on my application for my current job. Surprisingly, they hired me, and the topic was never mentioned.
(dregan, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 18:41, Reply)

My interview
bugger king didnt have an interview i just turned up and asked for a job they just told me to come in next morning oh well *sigh* im still working there part time that is i aim to get out of college without any cripling loans
(weefreemen102, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 17:52, Reply)

consultants
went for an interview with an IT consultancy. the bloke on the phone interview had already irritated me. i was given a java exam despite having pointed out i didn't know any java (recruitment scum must have lied on my behalf). anyway, the interviewer was a real snooty cow and i decided halfway through i wasn't interested and started winding her up. i think i made a good case arguing that it was more important for a consultant to appear honest than to be honest, and conveying my generally low opinion of her profession :)

some years later i was interviewing this lass to be a PHP developer; not only did she fail to answer any of the questions on the written exam i set (i'm a bastard, me ;-) ) but:

"in XML, what are the pros and cons of DOM versus stream/event based parsing?"
"err.. i don't know"
"you've got XML written on your CV, right here"
"um"

next!
(ru, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 17:50, Reply)

re kinel
strangely enuff when i applied to be a mason, i asked if having been a polisman would let me get on......


ill get me croat
(montyzuma, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 17:43, Reply)

Into the room
greeting, pre-amble, standard line of questioning, got all the important bits right... then there was this right at the end:

"Now, what's my first name?"

Damn.

For the record, I didn't get that job. But my wife stuck with me even though I'd forgotten *her* name on our first date.
( Manic can teach you the secret of fire, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 17:40, Reply)

Whilst interviewing a young lass...
...and inquired about her hobbies.

"I collect Mathmos lamps."

Tumble weed.

Needless to say, her tits weren't big enough so she didn't get the job.
(CdrVimes, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 17:30, Reply)

To Black Sheep
I just don't f*ck about with anyone, that's all ! I'm a nice person really.
( Tiggy the diver, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 17:21, Reply)

One thing not to say
when being interviewed to join the Police - "Is it true you have to be a Mason to get on in this game?"
( kinell, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 17:17, Reply)

Two...
I once went for an interview where I sat down, folder of notes in hand, and the guy over the desk just said "okay - talk to me." And that was the only question he asked. So I talked about myself for about ten minutes, after which he just said "thanks very much" and led me out of the office. I didn't get the job.

Secondly, I once had a colleague who went for an interview where he would be dealing with communications hardware. He was asked the question "what is a telephone?" and it completely threw him, so he just said "I don't know." He didn't get the job either.
(nasalhair The Twix guy!, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 17:15, Reply)

Electricians job interview
Interviewer: So you did Physics at school?
Me: Yes
Interviewer: Did you do Ohm's Law?
Me: Yes
Interviewer: What is it then?
Me: I don't know.

Didn't get the job, should have prepared more.

Incidentally I got the highest tests the tester had seen on the Psychometric thingys... This was before I went to uni and got drunk a lot. I built the mechanical part they gave me in two minutes.... Had about 15 to do the test.
( beefandcheese, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 17:08, Reply)

Safteyfox!
I had the 'what kind of animal' thing too, for shelf stacking in asda (shitting walmart family). I said I'd like to be an orange marmoset, because they get a lot of exercise outdoors and had plenty of energy. The list must have said "throws faeces and can give you tetanus" or else they thought I was being wide.
Strangely enough, everybody else in the (group) interview said dog. Presumably they want somebody pliable, with no imagination, who will take whatever shit they dish out.
One of the Dogs got the job.
(weirzbowski, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 16:59, Reply)

Hemipenis!
Twas applying for a desk job once, and the interviewer was a good sort, nice sense of humour.

Interviewer: What animal would you like to be?
Me: A snake.
Interviewer: Why's that?
Me: They have two cocks!
Interviewer: (Laughs) But they haven't any hands, how would you wank?
(DarkLite swallowed my entire undercarriage, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 16:51, Reply)

Yorkshire retard
(BTW I'm from Yorkshire too so it's not a sweeping generalisation.)

This wasn't a trick question and I was the interviewer not interviewee, please forgive me for not following the rules on this QOTW...

I was interviewing someone in early 1999 and started the interview off with a history of the company and the current IT projects, including that we had just completed a 2-man/five month conversion of our entire in-house IT system ready for 4 digit years in order to handle the change from 99 to 2000.

The interview went pretty badly and he was a no hoper but the crunch came when I asked him if he had any questions...

(In broad Yorkshire accent)
"What you reckon of that millennium thing then? I reckon it's a big hoax like what all them viruses was in t'eighties."

Bugger me, what a waste of 10-man-months.
( Father_Ted Drink!, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 16:42, Reply)

Tiggy the Diver
Please seek professional help.
(Yellow Car is now red, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 16:31, Reply)

I often have to interview
youngsters for till work/shelf filling as they can do the student shifts. "Alistair" was next on my list and the bell rang to signify he was waiting.

Out I go, jacket on, papers at the ready and there, a vision stood before me.

Dressed from head to toe in purest white Kappa and Nike stood Alistair, my "homey", he then gave me 5 and showed himself into the office.

After mumbling and bullshitting his way through the first lot of questions, I was mesmerised by the size of the tongues on his monstrous trainers, and the amount of sovereign rings he had managed to cram on each finger.

I then asked the killer "Can you give me an example of where you received good customer service?".

"Well", replied Alistair, "If you go down Bargain Booze right, and you know Martin's sister, she'll give you a packet of smokes on the sly".

NEXT....
( Scary Mary The D'oh Fairy, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 16:27, Reply)

some crappy contract at easams
bloke: so are you more an application or infrastructure type programmer?

me (thinks): well seeing as most people are on the application side of things he wouldn't ask unless they wanted infrastructure experience.

me: infrastructure side (which was true anyway)

him: well it's application people we want really. (like there's much difference in military hardware projects anyway)

Next!
( High Lord Phanty, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 16:04, Reply)

Not me but...
...my sister, home from Uni over the Xmas hols, needed a job and applied to a well-known high-street chain that rhymes with Sparks and Mencer for a shelf-stacking job. She had to do spend 30mins filling out an application on the web to get an interview, then AN HOUR AND A HALF filling in a questionairre and doing "team stuff" at the interview to try and get the (note: SHELF STACKING) job, and it was only a 2-week, 8-hours-a-week temporary job! I think she was too highly qualified to work for that bunch of monkeys.......
(emma_fisi, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 16:02, Reply)

Safetyfox
Your former boss sounds like a right laugh!
( Johnny Catfish - Yowsa!, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 15:55, Reply)

...
Went to a job interview on one of the hottest days of summer, in a full suit.

As I sat down the woman said

"You can take off your jacket if you want, I know how hot it is!"

I replied

"Ah thanks! Yeah I'm sweating like a rapist!"


Let's just say it was all down hill from there...
( Donkey Gums @mattcomedy, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 15:48, Reply)

Mid 80's....
Just out of school and no intention of looking for work. Unfortunately my father did not approve of this for some reason so decided to apply for jobs on my behalf.

Do you have any F*^$^£G idea how demoralising it is to get rejection letters from companies you never even applied for?
( Slippery Jim Seeking a psychotic lady for fun & sex & crime., Thu 20 Jan 2005, 15:46, Reply)

fat lady
When working for a home delivery service we interviewed a large lady for a job of shopping picker. The interview went quite well and we then showed her around the department so that she knows what the job involved when we asked her when can she start?
"not just yet as I have to sort things out with my last employer first".
when asking her what this ment she goes onto explain...
"Well they said I took the cash but I never did nothing"
Silly fat cow.
(DarkSavior, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 15:44, Reply)

Political Correctness
Going for an interview at a leading volunteer conservation group (and there really is only the one, so you know which I mean), I was asked some of the most bizarre political correctness questions imaginable.

Given that this organisation relies on local government and 'arms length' for much of its funding, I naturally supposed that over exposure to beaurocrats had turned these people into the babbling fools that they clearly were.

Eventually the questions reached a peak where I was forced to ask: "I'm sorry, can you repeat the question but, erm . . . this time in English please?"

I didn't get the job, but only because their selection was overruled and a manager from another area was moved in.

Turned out that they had been writing each others questions and were deliberately trying to stitch each other. My candid response was enough to convince them that I was man enough for the job, which is odd because I know faff all about managing funding for disabled volunteers.
( Lord Manley of Ven www.justgiving.com/manley - please?, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 15:31, Reply)

3 bad interviews. 1 good one. Well, ish.
#1
The train was late.

I was late.

I had misunderstood the job description.

I had an asthma attack in the middle of the interview.

#2
I fell into a puddle and got my suit covered in mud. Was therefore late.

#3
First ever interview. My Dad decided that I needed some practice, sensibly enough. He got a friend and colleague to do a dry-run with me. We then went out with a whole pile of his mates and then had a curry.

Unsurprisingly, the interview the next morning did not go so well.

#4
Interview went perfectly and was for a job managing a campaign which I had developed with an organisation I had been involved with for years.

Came second.

Bastards!
( Parmesan Quality b4 Quantity, Thu 20 Jan 2005, 15:28, Reply)