I don't have a 'justice in the end' type story.
I think I get some type of reverse karma. I work incredibly hard to make nice, happy and pleasant things happen to myself and my family.
That must be why life keeps throwing problems, aggrivation and general shittiness.

I'm an atheist on principle, but I keep leaning toward belief through the repeated circumstantial evidence that some fucker really mustn't like me.
(Greencloud Wanted to go fishing on, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:07, 1 reply)

Have a look on Friends Reunited
And that'll disabuse you of any delusions that karma could exist. For example:

1) Nobby Smith - the school bully who kicked you in the knackers and stole your sandwiches almost every day. He failed all of his GCSEs and got arrested for GBH. Now he's happily married with kids and has his own carpentry business earning more than you.

2) Vincent Bodkin - brainy kid whose parents were both university professors. He was bullied mercilessly for years on account of his large head and thick specs and went on to get five As at a level. Now he's dead - cancer of the colon aged 31.

3) 'Chip-pan' Katy - daughter of unemployed scumbags, she was a slag who'd toss off anyone for a Curly Wurly and who got pregnant aged 14 by a man she met outside a pub. Expelled for sniffing glue. Now she's a lottery winner living in Mauritius.

4) Bruce Legover - handsome but utterly ignorant football player with the charm and presence of a fart. Treated girls like shite and bullied boys who didn't line up to be on the team. Now playing for Man United on £100, 000 a week.

Fuck karma.
(frankspencer, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:03, 9 replies)

Haha you stepped on shit!
Me and two friends, aged around 12, were aimlessly wondering around as you do at that age. Ally, as usual, was stoically enduring being the butt of our puerile jokes. He was the type of person whose every utterance would lend itself to a homoerotic double entendre and as such kept myself and my friend Robbie well amused.

Anyway, Robbie stepped on the biggest, wheatiest dog turd you've ever seen. His foot slid forward for about a metre. Of course, such an unfortunate instance is comedy gold to a 12 year old.

Seizing the chance to get one back on his tormentor, Ally started squealing and taunting "You stepped on dog shit! You stepped on dog shit!" (his rapier-like wit not failing him at his moment of triumph). As he did so, he was running out of range of Robbie's fists.

Unfortunately he didn't see the lamppost, but the lamppost saw him at close range. He was a chunky monkey and was running quite fast, so his velocity made the lamppost bend about a foot out and vibrate back into place. It made a noise like a ruler twanged from a desk only much louder.

When Robbie and I could walk again, we laughed at him and made many cruel jibes. The next day, when we saw his hideously swollen face we laughed some more.

Bad karma kicked Ally in the teeth but strangely enough it didn't do anything to me or Robbie. Must have been because of the blow job Robbie gave to that shaven headed, saffron clad tramp.
(drunkenfud, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:01, 1 reply)

Karma
Apologies for the delay, but Karma decided to take a dirty great chunk out of my arse the very week that I was writing a story about Karma.

And there you have it. I believe that what goes around comes around. This belief has enabled me to NOT take shiny sharp samurai swords to people who have hurt me or my family. It has enabled me to do charitable actions I wouldn't have ordinarily bothered to do ("this is good karma" I think, handing some poor unfortunate something I don't really need; surely negating the process with this solitary thought)

Anyway - the story I was writing concerned someone else’s bad karma and my terrible delight at it. Karma saw me writing this tale and thought: "Fuck you my_cat, Have some of THIS..."

I have a friend. We have been friends for many years, some might say 15 years - I would silence those people because I don't want to reveal my terrible old age. Lately my friend has been going through a VERY, VERY messy divorce from a psychotic-blatently-gay-carries-knives-all-the-time-all-round-scary-mother-fucker. I have been warning her and crying, begging and pleading her to be sensible in this divorce. "Just get rid", "Be careful", "Don't rile him up"...all the time thinking smugly to myself about how well I dealt with my own divorce. Actually feeling rather self-congratulatory about my life, you know the stuff: "I wouldn't have done that", "She's being so stupid" blah, blah.

We end up falling out. I can't keep my fat mouth shut; she's in pain and can't hear the stuff I'm telling her.

He abducts the children last Friday. Subjects them to a weekend of threats of suicide and teetering from the balcony of his flat. He's arrested, finally, the children taken into care. My mate was fucking her 21 year old lover at the time. She called me crying.

Now, Karma plays a part in this...but where? Was it my Karma? for being snotty in my head about the way my friend was dealing with things? Was it her’s for fucking a silly boy when she KNEW those kids weren't safe?, was it the ex husband's for being such an unutterable prick?

All I know is that it wasn't the childrens' and they ended up suffering the most

Apologies for the darkness. You caught me in a nasty fucking week.
( my_cat_has_no_shoes meh meh meh MEH MEH, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:00, 1 reply)

Be sure your sins will find you out...
Back in the days of the poll tax, I was so afraid of "authority" that I paid every instalment bang on time. I begrudged every last penny, but I paid it.

After it had been abolished, a work colleague took great delight in telling us all he'd not paid a brass farthing. He'd moved house, and not registered at the new address. He didn't pay any council tax either. He smugly (and loudly) informed all and sundry of his "can pay, won't pay" status.

A couple of years go by, and just before I'm about to leave the company, he comes in one morning with his bottom lip tripping him. Lo, the council have caught up with him! Common repairs were required, and a helpful resident in the same block of flats had supplied a list of names and flat numbers to the council to divide up the bill.

When they checked their records, they realise that no-one is registered at his flat, and in a fit of efficiency, someone looks to see if this "random" has ever paid poll/council tax. He received a very stiff letter threatening dire consequences if he didn't cough up, and had to start making payments immediately or face a wage arrestment. They also slapped some kind of order on the property meaning he couldn't sell it without paying them what he owed.

General response to his new skintness? Glee, dear reader, sheer unadulterated glee! Why? The rest of us had paid, mainly on time, and had seen our bills go up as the council sought to make up for the non-payers. Plus the fact that he was a smug twat!
(TheWeeWitch hasn't been here much recently .., Thu 21 Feb 2008, 15:00, 2 replies)

I have never been the victim of karma
even after the time I cut a fly in half with a pair of scissors and found it crawling up the window five minutes later, desperately searching for its abdomen...

MAN RULES
( St. Defenestration The REAL one, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:55, 3 replies)

Possibly fitting into last weeks QOTW as well
My parents farm near Swindon, and those of you unfortunate enough to still live in the region will know that the council are selling off farmland on the 'front garden' (home to lots of newts btw) to build houses (on a floodplain - go figure). Anyway, this has left farm builiding derilict, so some bright spark started hosting illegal raves in the barns.

The council (who own the farms) put bigger shinier locks, yet to no avail, the raves continued. So as a a last resort, the got a local farmer (my dad) to cover the insides of the barns with lovely fresh manure. And he did a marvelous job.

Ravers come back to find their local dance venue smelling like the inside of Steven Hawking's nappy, and plot revenge.

The local building site was raided, and the a large JCB was 'borrowed'. 2 empty (but perfectly useable) houses and the barn were demolished, and the jcb was left ontop of the rubble like a large yellow glace cherry.

Don't mess with druggies and their raves, it'll come back to bite.

/on reflection, this doesn't fit the question at all, but I've typed it anyway.
( Moonraker isn't the droid you were looking for, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:55, Reply)

Uh oh
My karma ran over my dogma.
(oneinthepink is at your cervix m'lady, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:51, 4 replies)

When I was at university
the small girls in my hall asked me to come with them to a kickboxing class cos it was in a dodgy part of town. I agreed (being a 6'2" man easily led by women) and discovered it was a really quite fun class, but after having only been 3 times (i.e. still a total n00b) we had an exercise for pairs where there weren't enough newbies, so I (being the largest) got assigned to an intermediate (i.e. not shit) bloke.

The deal was, I held the pads and he practised a specific kick. We would later swap. I heard the teacher tell him "stick to xx kick, he doesn't know the others yet so it wouldn't be safe." He started doing the kicks, nice and hard and very accurately, I was impressed.

He got bored after 2 minutes of this exercise and tried a different kick, without warning me, and without me having any idea how to block it. A reflexive shift of the pad I was holding wasn't fast enough to stop him kicking me in the face and chipping one of my teeth.

He blamed me for leaving the pad too low. We were practising a kick that should have landed at around elbow height, so I reckon he was quite far off. I decided that as the newbie the fault must be mine and made no more of it, despite being quite rattled by the experience.

The following week the course trainer accidentally broke the other guy's nose with the same kick.

Ahhhh...
( Mockingbird Practitioner of SCIENCE, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:50, Reply)

I don't believe in Karma......
But it lets me share a bed with Randy.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:49, Reply)

Instant Karma's gonna get you!
I think it's pretty well established that I'm something of an environmentalist and conservationist. I grew up in the Adirondack Mountains of New York, and have spent many years cursing snowmobiles and jet skis and motorboats- aside from the nuisance factor, they all tend to be two cycle engines that dump about 40% of their fuel, unburned, out the exhaust. But the more immediate thing that I hate about them is the noise and the fact that the two-synapse cretins who ride them suddenly feel that they have the right to charge into every quiet corner of the woods, simply because their roaring penis substitutes can take them there.

Story 1 involves a snowmobile. The area I come from has hundreds of miles of snowmobile trails clearly marked, places where they can roar along to their hearts' content. Invariably, though, the cretins will take their machines across the frozen lakes- often through peoples' yards as well- and will frequently hit a thin spot and go through the ice, improving the average intelligence of humanity a little.

This particular snowmobiler got especially drunk and decided to race his machine along a small back road as fast as it could go- a road that follows a river, that I don't think I would drive on faster than 40 mph in a car in summer. The police estimate that he was going about 120 mph when his machine became airborne and went through both sides of a garage. Parts of him did as well.

Story 2 involves a jet ski. In the early 90s they generally had no mufflers on them, and regulations hadn't really gone into effect yet regarding their use, so from dawn 'til dusk there was an incessant howling on the lakes as the cretins ran in circles and jumped every boat wake they could find. In this case our hero was following a rather large boat with a V hull that was throwing up an impressive wake, and was cutting in as close as he could to the boat to get the most wake. The pilot of the boat, not knowing the cretin, was getting extremely irate over having to listen to the howl of the jet ski, so he pulled sharply back on the throttle to stop the boat so he could have a word. As he did so the cretin, his blood fizzing with adrenaline and as much testosterone as his undoubtedly minuscule testes could produce, failed to notice the change in the boat's speed- and slammed face first into the side of it.

Me, I like karma a lot sometimes.
( The Resident Loon Not a demographic. Do not measure., Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:47, 5 replies)

After moaning about previous QOTWs...

I get a suggestion used!

woo yay!

Now if everybody would like to queue up to tell ME what a shit suggestion it is, and fill the pages up with crap puns then I will prepare for your happy flaming...

now THAT's karma!


Cheers to chthonic
( Pooflake braces for an onslaught..., Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:45, 4 replies)

people who talk about karma
always make me want to ask what Anne Frank did.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:45, 8 replies)

Divine Karma
visited me once, but actually it turned out to be on the wrong address and was looking for someone else.
so it went away.
( Zhmei HEY B3TA I WAS ON YOUR DINGY ISLAND AT LAST!1!, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:45, Reply)

Its A Funny thing
I have worked here for 3 long years and up until this week there has been the most vile person I have ever met working alongside me.

He was constantly trying to show me up, make me look stupid, get me the sack and generally belittle me.

Saturday evening he crashed the works van into a parked car while pissed out of his tree.
The idiot tried to flee the scene despite leaving his keys (including his front door key) in the ignition, His jacket on the passenger seat, the van having his mobile number and our address plastered on it and best of all the crashed cars owner watching from his frontroom window.

He was arrested and bundled off to the cells.

Monday morning he comes into work wearing the same clothes and stinking of piss and sporting a lovely stain on the front and back of his tan trousers.

He is fired on the spot in front of everyone and promptly starts crying.

After three years of hell these fews days have been awesome.

reap what you so bitch
(Barry Chuckle has gone out in the thong to feed the pigeons, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:42, 1 reply)

Curses!
In right at the beginning for once and can't think of anything.
Maybe something will come to me, although what some may call karma I just call damn bad luck.
ps anyone else love Earl?
(misspiggy In danger of having to get a job, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:42, 3 replies)

Sharples.
Once saw a bloke (who I actually know, but that's another story) come out of the local pub swearing, shouting and trying to kick off with the bouncers (who hadn't done anything to him at all).

As he was squaring up to them, he staggered backwards...

Straight into the path of an oncoming taxi, that hit him and broke his leg.

Pissed up twat.
(Half of Stephen Fry's right buttock pissed on your dog on, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:42, 1 reply)

Instant Karma
We used to have a dog called Harry. Lovely little chap was Harry Minogue, but he had this dreadful West Highland Terrier habit of pissing in the kitchen. And the living room. In your shoes. Everywhere.

One afternoon, we returned from a hellish shopping trip into the bowels of Asda, he welcomed us home by cocking his leg all over a plastic bag full of freshly-cooked bread. As the steam rose, it was clearly the final straw for the otherwise charming, level-headed Mrs Duck.

"MWAAAAAAAAARGH!" said the wife, so angry she could barely form words. "MWAAAAAAAAARGH!"

At that she aimed a hay-maker of a kick at his rapidly retreating arse, only to miss and connect squarely with a cast-iron West Highland Terrier-shaped doorstop.

"MWAAAAAAAAARGH!" she said again, only this time on account of a broken toe.

At length: "MWAAAAAAAAARGH!"

The Lord Buddha protects ALL his little creatures.

12" extended remix version HERE, I'm such a blog whore.
( Scaryduck LIKES EGG, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:42, 1 reply)

Late
The second that the QOTW closes, I think of a better reponse. I will wait until then to post.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:40, 1 reply)

I threw up on an Indian waiter last night,
after a revolting chicken curry.

He received a kormic blessing from me.

;)
(Bear Pookie The Frankly Challenged. Halloween is coming to town., Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:40, Reply)

divine karma
God saw fit to give me the benefit of being born a white, western male in a first-world society. But then he gave me all the right genes for baldness, overeating and a smaller-than-average pecker.

Which is why I'm an atheist.
(frankspencer, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:39, 2 replies)

.
(bugger the slownesses! Tales of Karma galore to follow...)
(misanthrope is so adjective he's verbing nouns!, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:30, Reply)

karma
doesn't really apply to atheists but I seem to get the QOTWs that I deserve.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:29, Reply)

first ?
I once wished someone would die, then died myself, or something....i tried.

Edit: Bugger
(Smellyape liking http://www.b3ta.com/bpma/, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:28, Reply)

first \o/
Someone else described this as Karma, I say it's just screwed.

Over xmas, had a brief unattentive moment whilst driving and spanged the back of another car. Other car was fine, my car started bleeding and had to have lots of repairs.

So anyway, all goes well and I get my shiny courtesy car. Well, I say "shiny", it was a sodding Nissan Micra with a little engine, but at least it worked.

On the way back to return the courtesy car, I get rear-ended by another car in an almost freakish mirror of the circumstances that lead to me needing the courtesy car in the first place.

So, it's sort of Karmic in the sense of "what goes around comes around", but it's also horribly fucked up because both times my car was the only one to get damaged ;-).
( bluemeat has been best of all the animals since, Thu 21 Feb 2008, 14:27, 5 replies)