Why I'm glad I'm not a child today. By Davros' Granddad, aged 37 and a third.
I’m soooo glad I’m not a child today. I grew up in the 70s / early 80s and life just seemed so much less hassle.

School: We weren’t tested to death and actually learned stuff at school rather than learning by wrote. Teachers today aren’t there to impart knowledge, they’re there to meet Government targets. If we pissed about in class, the teachers could discipline you. I’m not advocating the random beating of children (I had a teacher who would throw those heavy, wooden blackboard dusters at you if you misbehaved, and he was a twunt), but if teachers had a bit more leeway to dish out some sort of meaningful punishment (not just a breaktime detention, FFS) without fear of reprisals from (a) the education authority, and (b) little Johnny’s parents maybe lack of discipline wouldn’t be such a problem. I was well behaved at school mostly because I had some respect for the teachers counterbalanced with the tiniest bit of fear of what might happen if I fucked about.

We had little, if any, concept of what stress was. How many kids today can be classified as suffering from depression? Okay, I know it’s not a new thing, but it does seem so much more pronounced and obvious these days. Not helped by the sheer stress some of these kids must be under. And what’s the choice available to them when they leave school? You need a bloody qualification in landscape management just to be able to sweep the roads… What’s wrong with on-the-job training?

There wasn’t the relentless peer pressure that there is today. Kids today seem to be judged on what trainers they wear, whether they have the latest mobile phone, how many games consoles they have. All we had to worry about was whether our parkas had blue or orange fur in the hood.

We had some concept of the value of things. We received new toys on birthdays and at Christmas, and the shops would drastically reduce their range of exciting new toys between the months of January and October. Consequently when we got something new, we treasured it. Kids these days just think ‘easy come, easy go’ and the most common question asked seems to be “can I have?” No recognition of the fact that ‘things’ cost money and that you don’t have an automatic right to have something just because it’s (a) in the shops and (b) your friends have got one. And the relentless TV advertising doesn’t help either. My family had little money, and as a consequence of that plus subsequent working environments (DSS / jobcentre), I have a rabid fear of being in debt that I'm not in control of. In fact, I get all clenchy if I think I'm about to go into my overdraft by £20...

We were protected from exposure to inappropriate images on TV but allowed to play freely in the street, wander off, climb trees, and go off on our bikes with our mates. These days, some fuckwit parents will freely allow their kids access to some of the most horrific and inappropriate TV / films / computer games, and yet will not allow their offspring to voyage more than a stones throw away from the house in case they get abducted and murdered. WTF?

Boys were dressed as boys and girls as girls, not like cut-price pimps and hookers. I mean, high street fashion stores selling padded bras for girls aged 8 for Christ’s sake? I despair, I really do. The utter spaktardery of some people beggars belief.

I could go on.

Rose-tinted spectacles? Perhaps. But I’m so glad I was a kid then and not now.

*EDIT* This makes me sound like a grumpy old man - I'm not. Honest guv. I just think that kids should be allowed to be kids, be allowed to be taught at school rather than tested, and not indulged constantly by fuckwit parents that think loving a child is about buying them stuff on tick, letting them watch what they want and feeding them processed junk.

*Makes indignant 'harrumphing' sound*.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:30, 152 replies)

aye
nostalgia's not what it used to be.

*clicks* in agreement, though.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:33, closed)

*clicks*


EDIT But, while we're on the subject, kids today really aren't that bad, unhappy, depressed or stressed out, the media just likes to portray them that way.
Sure, things are different, but big whoop.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:33, closed)

I grew up in the 60's and 70's
Twas even better. I had crap parts of growing up but at least I had a childhood that lasted until I was 16 and not 10.
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:36, closed)

Yeah
All valid stuff.
I wasn't at school when they were allowed to hit you though, but if word got home that I'd been fucking about, my Dad would've smacked me for sure.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:38, closed)

@BGB
That's exactly what I'm getting at - let kids be kids. I was still playing with action figures at 14...

Oh, hang on, I just bought another R-C Dalek at the weekend didn't I?

I haven't really grown up at all.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:38, closed)

Grew up in the 90s
And seem to have caught the very tail end of that sort of childhood

And padded bras for 8 year olds is borderline paedophilia.

Have a click for an insightful post.
( uberdeity Wondered why Owen Lars knew of the term "hell" on, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:42, closed)

At 21 and a third,
I appear to have just escaped this "Childhood 2.0" by the narrowest of margins.

But I agree whole-heartedly.

Have a click.
( Thinker, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:43, closed)

*Warburton's Music*
I actually agree a lot with what you say in the post but I can't help feeling that rose tinted glasses and a sense of nostalgia are in there as you said.

However I do agree on what you said about teachers, today teachers are expected to be entertainers, toothless tigers and meet targets dreamt up by some spacktard in central gov't who doesn't have a fucking clue about teaching or the fact that some kids just aren't academic.

Instead of offering subjects that could possibly allow them to progress in life they are expected to sit bored in class while an overworked teacher is attempting to make a maths lesson on mixed fractions fun and ensure it includes a starter, main par tna dplenary otherwise they could be out of a job, it must also engage all types learners including visual, audio and kinaesthetic.

And as for health and safety, I remember the number of places we used to go with school to castles, off to London and everywhere, we had 2 teachers and that was it. Now it's all about staff ratios and health and safety questionaires so teachers can no longer do a field trip off the cuff cos of so much beuracracy.

The number of schools that I've worked in that no longer do field trips or take them to places like Alton Towers or The Trafford centre (cos they're enclosed so the H and S forms are easier) is staggering and what sort of educational benefit will they get and retain from these places? Fuck all is the answer.

So yeah, the educational system needs a total overhaul, and life itself needs some common sense as well.

And in case anyone is wondering I grew up in the 80's and early 90's so wasn't that long ago either...
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:43, closed)

Agreed
I'm going to repost an extract from my reply to Osok's post earlier which seems relevent here:

In the last thirty years or so, it's become evident that parents are either too scared or too lazy to establish boundries of acceptable behaviour with their kids. On one hand we have an obsession with listening to the many ultra left wing types telling us how we should raise our kids and legislating for it, while on the other kids are at the mercy of a consumer society which manipulates parents via their children's immediate aspirations.

Perhaps there would be motivation to actually do some responsible parenting if the parents of Shaquille lose out on benefits when the little shit gets caught behaving like Snoop Dogg at the bus stop and the parents of Tarquin have to forgo their new SUV/Holiday in Antigua when he gets caught harrassing people to buy him alcohol outside the local off-license?
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:45, closed)

Agrees with Fuckarama
H & S is the bane of the modern world. by all means, have some consideration as to the risks involved. But to stop doing something that will be stimulating and hopefully educational, just because somebody *might* get hurt (or worse, killed) is taking it a bit far.

If everyone took that approach, parents would fill in a H & S assessment before getting in their cars or walking to the fucking shops.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:48, closed)

Well...
If we're re-posting...
www.b3ta.com/questions/kids/post145012

If I was a Nazi Dictator, by Kaol.

EDIT: @Davros' - I disagree with the H&S, I honestly don't think people understand it properly, and never check up when an organisation like a school uses it as an excuse to cover themselves against occurances.
I could go into a lot more detail on this.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:48, closed)

well if we're reposting
Here is my first ever post. I don't think enough people clicked on it the first time so if you could all read it and agree it's very funny and reply saying "*click*" then I will promise not to have any kids.

» Too much information

Worse than pooflake's
Well known comedian Jackie Mason is quite a rich bloke. He's also getting on a bit.

In order to help him digest his food properly it is said that he pays someone to chew his food for him first, sometimes he even gets another person for particularly tough stuff.

That's "two munching for mason."

I'm sorry. (but first post, woo)
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:51, closed)

Ooh, Mr Kaol
Set the cat among the pigeons there, did you not?

Oh, and the H & S stuff - I agree, not enough people understand the guidelines set by the Health & Safety Executive and go waaaaay over the top when doing assessments, 'just in case'. There was a story recently about such a case - can't remember the exact details though, unfortunately. But the fact that the H&S Executive even exists - is this a good or a bad thing? On a recent H&S inspection, I got an email informing to remove a box from under my desk. No reason why, just to remove it. Why? I'm not going to trip over it, nor is anyone else.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:53, closed)

@Mr. Grandad
With "My Theory", or the H & S thing?

EDIT: Ah, I see! I work in H&S for a sawmill, with 100 employees. If we took the rules the way that schools seem to, we'd not be allowed in the same room as the wood, let alone the saws...
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:53, closed)

Perhaps
this is relevant to this discussion.
( Thinker, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:59, closed)

@Kaol
The H & S stuff. Mostly...

;o)

Oh, and thinker - yes. Most definitely.
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 12:59, closed)

@Father al
Haha!

*clicks*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:04, closed)

@ father al
Jeez, I'm having a slow day. Took me ages to process that gag. *Applause*
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:06, closed)

father al
The worst thing is, I actually remember you posting that...

*virtual click anyway*

Now, isn't this about the point where a thread gets hijacked and highjinks with goats ensue..?
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:09, closed)

@D's G
Of course not, that would just be silly. I mean what sort of people would keep endlessly going on about the same, boring old joke about goat sex.

*hunnnh*
/is raping your goat.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:18, closed)

HahahahalolGOATSEX!!!111!!!!lol!!
*feels ashamed*
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:22, closed)

'Elf 'n' Safety, Innit?
The HSE actually don't ban hanging baskets, cut down conker-bearing trees, make you wear ludicrous safety equipment or wrap your entire body in bubble-wrap.

Idiots do. Usually idiots in local government/large companies, who, in order to justify their continuing employment must be seen to be 'proactive' about H&S.

It's like a red card that can be waved and we all obey like particularly safe sheep.

And there are a few more.....

"It's due to Health & Safety"
"It's down to Political Correctness"
"We might offend (insert minority here)"
"Schools and Hospitals"
"Think of the Children"

A little red card that stops all thought processes or debate. Half the time it's got absolutely not a bleedin' finest Cumberland sausage to do with Health & Safety: DG's box is an example. But the H&S bozo has justified their existence.

A sawmill, however, needs a sensible H&S practice, due to BFO lumps of wood and whirling blades of DEATH.

Which is why I'm deeply, deeply worried if Kaol is involved.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:22, closed)

al,
I think that's the first time you've ever lowered the tone without describing a filthy sex act in lurid detail.

LOLOLOLOLOLOLOL!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:25, closed)

*Drifts off *
The 70's

The summers were warmer.
The winters were snowy.
The school holidays went on for ever and ever.
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:28, closed)

^^
there were goats as far as the eye could see
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:30, closed)

In response to osok...
The box is still there as well. No H&S gestapo comes between me and my box...

*insert mimsy joke here*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:31, closed)

I think
you just inserted your own mimsy joke davros.


HAHAHAH!!!!LOLOLOLOLmimsy!!!!!eleventyone!!!!1111!!!lol

*feels ashamed again*

*apologises to ashamed*
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:34, closed)

I went through puberty at 7
I needed a bra when I was 8. Pity the children...
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:34, closed)

^^
But was it padded?

*Thinks* Why the fuck did I ask that?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:38, closed)

I know
for a fact* that Kaol causes accidents deliberately for his own sick gratification. He's like the J.G. Ballard of the H&S world.

*(may not be a fact)
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:38, closed)

@CHCB
It's as much a fact as the fact that you like dogging on building sites, and that's a good enough fact for me.
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:39, closed)

^ Godammit!
You're going to find yourself at the centre of some kind of priesty scandal if you don't knock it on the head!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:40, closed)

@CHCB
You mean:

"Should employee, after the incident has taken place, been found to be suffering from an open wound to any of his/ her extremities.....fuck it!"
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:41, closed)

@Keloid
No. But it was underwired.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:42, closed)

@Boss
Haha! Yes!

*rereads Crash*
*needs lie down*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:43, closed)

@CHCB ^^^
Stop it! You have to save all that til tomorrow.

Although, Crash probably counts as S&M...?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:46, closed)

Erm...
... lines up goat, positions self... ooh not sure about this... bugger.

*sticks to 'kinky' woman sex*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:50, closed)

@ Bert
Nicely done, Sir.

Not auto-erotica then?
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:51, closed)

Speaking of S&M Tuesday....
Can I be CHCB's Spanish Inquisition. I am neither Spanish or inquisitive but I do have a few tricks up my sleeve for getting the information I want.
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:52, closed)

@Boss
I meant because the movie film (damn my americanised girlfriend) was so bad, it's like masochism to watch it.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:54, closed)

The film is bad
but the book is excellent.

Yes, BGB, work away!
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:55, closed)

@CHCB
I think I'll work on Bert first. He reeks of heresy.
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:57, closed)

@Bert
Yes, its dreadful, pretentious shite.
( Boss Keloid Got your mother's maiden name tattooed on my arm, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:57, closed)

Lies!
All lies!

I'm fantastic at my job, had a bad week a couple back, two accidents.

Worst this week has been someone hitting themself on the thumb with a hammer.

*touches wood*

*gets splinter*
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 13:59, closed)

@BGB
Heresy? How dare you! -I want the honour of Acolyte to be bestowed upon me officially by our Friggin' Messiah.

But please go ahead and do all kinds of nasty things to me, I love the masochism, I do.

@Kaol, you work in a Tom and Jerry cartoon?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:00, closed)

@Bert
You go through the motions of worshiping and venerating our messiah but deep down I suspect heresy and a lack of blind faith in her wonderous teachings.

Bert, I'm coming to get you....
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:05, closed)

You ARE an acolyte, Bert. You made the badge.
*bestows blessing on teh Sexmonkey*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:06, closed)

WOW
I'm amazed by just how much reading your post made me smile CHCB, I'm going to stick the badge I made into my profile.

@BGB You're mean! I'm a good boy, I love the Muff Diving Monday, S&M Tuesday, Wanking Wednesday, Spanking Saturday, and the rest, plus goats!
I also recommended Alan Titwank as the devil, and the name Frigstianity.
What have you done for our faith recently?
Hmm?
*turns the tables*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:09, closed)

@ Burt - No...
We had a digital degloving a couple of weeks back.

Not child friendly.

You should get a tattoo of the badge, to prove your faith.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:10, closed)

@Kaol
Actually, that's not a bad idea. I have one arm tattoed already, my badge would fit in perfectly.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:12, closed)

ooooohh..
what was degloved?
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:12, closed)

@Bert
Everybody knows that it's always the most obviously fervent member of the congragation that is the one that should be closely watched.

Methinks you dost protest too much.
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:13, closed)

@BGB
Dammit! You're far too clever for your own good.

/is wanking on a Tuesday.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:16, closed)

@MM
Digital degloving, thus a finger.

It was meat-tastic.

We're not going into how it made me feel, as that would be inappropriate.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:17, closed)

^
why, were you touching wood again?
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:18, closed)

^
Because I was thinking of you.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:19, closed)

^ while watching a digital degloving?
How sweet.

pervert
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:20, closed)

@Kaol
were you thinking of her dogging?
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:20, closed)

This isn't
The time or the place to plumb the depths of my perversion.

But yes, I was "touching wood" whilst imagining your bloodied, skinless finger, pouring claret...

*has disgusted even himself*
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:22, closed)

@al
Kaol's been dogging too...?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:22, closed)

I don't even have a car anymore
- it failed the MOT and has been scrapped. Still, the next one will be massive with an enormous sun roof for more viewing pleasure.

Not that I've ever been dogging.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:25, closed)

That's funny
Because I just imagined you and Kaol dogging in a car park, while St. Enzyme spaffed on your windscreen.

AND I don't even know what Kaol looks like.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:29, closed)

@Bert
yes, I'm sorry you had to find out this way, but it turns out your favourite goatsex companion is nothing but a revolting filthy pervert.

It's no wonder we all get on so well.
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:30, closed)

@Sexmonkey
St. Enzyme wasn't there either. I don't know what you mean. They couldn't get his registration number because we drove away too fast.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:30, closed)

@Burt
What do I look like?
This

@chcb - You're not denying I was there with you?
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:32, closed)

Goat + Kaol + Car Park + Vauxhall Corsa + CHCB + S&M x Enzyme =
A combination to suit everybody's tastes.

@CHCB We caught you all on CCTV, nice tabbard by the way.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:32, closed)

you are so wrong!
I wouldn't be caught dead in a Corsa.

Edit: Kaol was there, probably, but I wasn't.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:33, closed)

It was dark
it may have been a Lupo.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:35, closed)

A-Ha!
So it was necrophilliac dogging in a Corsa then!
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:36, closed)

@al
You are class.
I was thinking along those lines too, but if she were dead, how would she be here? Unless she's a g.g.g.g...g.g.ghost?

*fears*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:38, closed)

A Holy Ghost?
Or Holy Goat?

*mind runs away with possibilities*
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:41, closed)

Oh yeah...!
As Messiah, she has to die and come back, so now we know how it happened.
Killed to death in a car park, necrophilia dogged by Kaol in front of St Enzyme, then risen from her crypt.
Praise be!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:43, closed)

@chcb
I used to have a Corsa. Until I drove it off a road and through a hedge, narrowly avoiding a couple of suspicious looking gents spit roasting a goat.

*ponders - could it be...*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:45, closed)

I'm happy to lend out my mini
if it will help to keep the faith
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:46, closed)

@Davros
Oh so you have met my family!
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:47, closed)

That depends MM
Is mini the name of your goat? Or a euphemism?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:47, closed)

nice
now I just need to spawn the Child of CHCB and we'll have the Mother, the Child and the Holy Goat.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:49, closed)

Obviously if it's called mini
then it would have to be a kid

*closes circle back to QOW brilliantly*
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:49, closed)

Al - I may have waved
as I hurtled past with bits of hedgerow attached to my windscreen. Perhaps my vision was obscured enough not to be able to identify the miscreant deviants...

*£250 in the post guarantees my silence on the matter
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:49, closed)

Ha ha...
My weapons are fear and SUPRISE!!
( girlinthehole, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:51, closed)

ooooooooooooooooooOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOHH!
It would appear I've COME IN THE NICK OF TIME!!

*chortles like a child*
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:51, closed)

My weapons are
A scalpel and an evil mind

And an unbending faith in chcb.

*applies for witchfinder-general type position in Frigianty*
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:52, closed)

*jumps*
/is startled.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:52, closed)

you're all sick!
a corsa, ffs, have you no shame?
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:52, closed)

My weapon is
tucked safely out of sight...
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:52, closed)

@Kaol
How did the degloving happen exactly?

*suspects*
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:53, closed)

@Smash Monkey
I have a Corsa!
And I'm not ashamed to admit that once, the Mrs and I were getting a little bit carried away, when a PCSO tapped on the window and told us to behave.
Bloody spoilsport.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:56, closed)

@MM
Well... It was a rubber machine roller. Idiot put his hand where he shouldn't have.

@Smashmonkey - How about one of these ?
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:57, closed)

I think it's only fitting
for a religious figure to go dogging in a popemobile.

*reaches for mindbleach at thought of Pope dogging*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 14:59, closed)

20+ years ago
I did it in a Fiat 126 (it had a sunroof).
Do I win anything?
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:00, closed)

@Kaol
My brain just ran away with itself. I now have images of you following CHCB around with a roller and punishing all who put their hands in the wrong places.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:01, closed)

I'd fuck the pope.
He's a taker, not a giver, that's for sure.

*sings*
"I fucked the Pope, and the Pope won"
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:01, closed)

@Tourettes
you win my respect. I've honestly never had sex in a car despite spending most of last summer in one.

Edit: Though I once loved a Mk2 Polo with an intensity that could be considered inappropriate.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:02, closed)

^Tourette's
Sciatica or arthritis, probably.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:02, closed)

@MM
I like that idea.
Do I get to drive the Popemobile too?
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:04, closed)

Car sex
Can be fun. So far I've christened a Citroen Xsara Picasso, a C8 (people carriers are roomy), a Fiesta Xr2i (because I'm classy), my Corsa, a Mazda Antares and an Audi A4.

Yay me!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:04, closed)

@osok
Funnily enough, I do have sciatica, slight scoliosis and arthritic hips.
I always attributed those to going to karate classes from the age of 9 - developing BONES and all that.... pft!
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:06, closed)

@ Burt - That's more times
Than I've ever even had sex* :(

*(may not be true)
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:06, closed)

100!
woo!

Edit: not "I had sex 100 times". Not recently, anyway. Not in the one night.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:07, closed)

Agreed-
but not so great in a mini. Most fun was on top of a random Merc, lying on the bonnet stylee.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:07, closed)

I did once
Have sex in a Ford Transit.

Not with a builder either, with a girl.


Also, I put the "erection" in "resurrection". (I'm fully aware that doesn't work...)
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:10, closed)

Madam M
Oh, that was you, was it?

I don't normally mind, but the lights had turned to green and the bloke in the Transit behind me was beeping.
(osok Rebel without a clue, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:11, closed)

I feel so left out :(
*seeks car*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:11, closed)

Are you sure
it wasn't a goat with pigtails?
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:12, closed)

@chcb
I'll pick you up at 7.

Look for the white milkfloat.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:12, closed)

@osok
to be honest, I have no recollection of who it was. So everything is possible. That was my tequila night.

EDIT: Don't worry about the transit. Kaol was just hitting the horn while he was with his goat.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:13, closed)

@Kaol
*prepares goat*
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:14, closed)

I've never had sex in a car
I had sex with a car once, but I burnt myself. Rather badly.
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:15, closed)

@Everyone
I'm *NOT* into goats, that "Father" Al.

*cries*
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:16, closed)

What do you mean
"father"?

Unbeliever!
Burn him!
Burn him, I say!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:16, closed)

I believe
In CHCB, not these pretenders.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:17, closed)

We're not pretenders
We're avid supporters of our Friggin' Messiah.

You're just jealous because you don't have a title.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:18, closed)

^
He's Brother Kaol. Says so in the Wible. He's in charge of illuminating the pornographic manuscripts.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:19, closed)

^ Yeah
*stick tongue out*
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:21, closed)

Apologies
Brother Kaol, I was merely upset by your use of quotation marks when referring to our local priest.

*makes the sign of the wanker*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:22, closed)

Tourette's
And the Essex judge awards you a 6.0 for artistic expression.

A Fiat 126? Now that's a considerable contortional achievement.

*Edited for reasons of conversational temporal lag... (I can't fookin' keep up!)*
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:22, closed)

^ Fool!
It's "the sign of the Cock".

As in *Cocks himself*

I'll make a diagram some time.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:23, closed)

@Bert
as it says in your descripty thing indeed.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:24, closed)

I'm puzzled, brother Kaol
What sign is that?
Surely the wanker sign is more appropriate for a Friggin' Messiah of Frigstianity?

EDIT @MM -I only just changed that!
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:25, closed)

oh bugger,
the first internecine war.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:26, closed)

Well
I'm a retard
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:26, closed)

@MM
Don't be daft, of course you're not.

I had to Google 'internecine' but I'm sure there will be no war.
Our faith is a peaceful one, as we're all too tired from the wanking and S&M.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:31, closed)

Not to mention
the love for one another. And the innate attraction of the faith.
( Madam Marlboro wonders if you've found her yet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:35, closed)

Ok...

( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:41, closed)

Good work, Brother Kaol!
That's going straight onto the Wible.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:44, closed)

*cocks himself*
Thank you, it's an honour.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:44, closed)

I'm still confused!
CONFUSED.

/grumbles about Kaol being a show off, my badge was much better anyway.

EDIT I see now, so you just make the shape of a cock and balls in the air?
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:48, closed)

er....
I'm interested in sign language, see, and have learned a lot of Makaton (working with autistic kids). Should I admit to staring at teh screen with my tongue out, practicing t'sign of t'cock?

No, I don't think I should.
( Tourette's ( . )( . ) has a monkey hair in her fried egg, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:49, closed)

@Burt
Yep, that's the way.

@Tourette's - Nice work, I was doing the same trying to figure out how to draw it...
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 15:53, closed)

@bert monkeysex
forget the cars, try doing it up a tree! not as comfy, but the rozzers can't see you

@kaol
AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAARRGGHHHHHH! unexpected pope!
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:03, closed)

Purely to out-do "Brother" Kaol
I made a very nice picture of our Messiah performing one of her many miracles...


Walking on a sea (well, pond) of spaff.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:05, closed)

@Smash Monkey
my first ever kiss was up a tree. It was wonderful. I could've floated back down to the ground.

A month or two later he dumped me for a 13 year old.

Edit: he was 18.

@Sexmonkey: *sigh* okay, I will incorporate yours in a parable later. Er, interesting depiction.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:05, closed)

@CHCB
Thank you.

*belms at Kaol*
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:09, closed)

@Bert
why is her minge green? Is it mouldy?
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:10, closed)

no
it's mossy.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:11, closed)

@Burt


Stick that in your pipe and smoke it...
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:11, closed)

You're just lucky
I'm too lazy to crack open photoshop.

Or there'd be nine kinds of trouble.

@al I went for brown and green to reflect her holy irishness.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:14, closed)

@Smash Monkey
The unexpected Popes are the worst kind eh?

@Burt - Nine kinds of trouble? List them! Go!
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:17, closed)

Well,
1. stinging minge trouble
2. oozing minge trouble
3. Get it OUT of my hair trouble
4. stinging willy trouble
5. drooping willy trouble
6. oozing willy trouble
7. finger trouble
8. I cut the shelf too short trouble
9. goat trouble
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:27, closed)

Er...
1. I will eat all your cheese.
2. I'll hide your favourite slippers.
3. I'll make love to your uncle.
4. Classic electrode/testicle interaction.
5. I will hide hippo porn in your work desk, then call the WWF anonymously.
6. I will steal all your coasters.
7. I will slightly turn all your ornaments.
8. I will marry your Mum.
9. We will have babies and replace you with mini Berts.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:30, closed)

Erm...
How does that involve photoshop?
*confused*

You can screw my uncle though, he's a tool.
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:33, closed)

Quiet you!
It's not my fault, I had to do some work and then came back. I'd lost my train of thought and just started spouting randomly.

I'mverysorryKaol.

But I can and have made similar logos in photoshop for my previous religion, the Avengers.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:36, closed)

It's ok, I still
Respect you.
But my photoshop skills are second-to-none*

*may not be true, especially on b3ta.

*is basking in the glory of being The Artist*
( Cawl, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 16:41, closed)

I demand proof!
If I can knock together a pretty professional looking logo using photoshop, anyone can.

Prove your skills by posting a shopped photo of al and I ravaging a goat called Sven.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 17:00, closed)

@Burt
Do you really want to see that photo?

OR

Who other than you, and al, would want to see that photo?
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 17:02, closed)

It's ok, he can gaz it to me if he likes.
Not that he'd actually need photoshop to make a picture like that.
( Bert Monkeysex is waiting for the mods to delete him, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 17:05, closed)

Well me of course
I like to check my technique now and again.
( Bazongaloid, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 17:05, closed)

@Al
I did nearly put 'other than al' in there as well, but didn't want to cast falsehoods against a priest.

But since it's true...
(PenguinOfDeath is Scottish, and most likely angry, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 17:07, closed)

@CHCB
bastard! i hope you snogged his best mate to get back at him!

@ kaol any pope is bad, but unexpected popes give me the skeeves
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 17:23, closed)

This is getting like the talk board
but without the unnecessary, nasty comments and vitriol. Just random, nice people talking about car sex, goat sex and the occassional on-topic response.

Well done all.

*Raises glass and heads off to buy more beer*
( Davros' Granddad a voice of calm reason in a world of spastics., Tue 22 Apr 2008, 19:20, closed)

I go out
to buy holy robes (ball gown) and this is what happens.

Typical. I miss all of the fun.
( chickenlady b3ta's very own Elizabeth Taylor, Tue 22 Apr 2008, 23:15, closed)