Beating on the Booming Drum of Self Congratulation
It was a warm, liquid afternoon in summer, showing Bournemouth off at its best. Happy people wandered the beach-front shops, bikini-pretty and giggly - and that was just the guys. I, however, lurched along the pavement like a zombie with one of those nasty little rattling Boots carrier bags: bed-hair, bleary, snotty and a doubtless smelly young man. And in front of me was one of Those Blokes.

You know, one of Those Blokes. Stocky, short type with gorilla-hairy arms. Always over-tanned. Dark hair combed back so hard its got furrows and you can see the scalp, which always glints hair-gel green. And, of course, a thick gold chain around the neck. Yeah, thats right, one of Those Blokes.

I don't think I'm that judgemental as a person, but if you are one of Those Blokes the 1st thing I think on seeing is ‘You knob. Bet you teach PE’ and I haven’t been proven wrong yet.

Our particular bloke was leant proprietorially against the boot of a grey Ferrari, chatting up two bikini-clad damsels who were at least a decade too young for him. I had to lurch past, so I couldn't help but over-hear him holding court on the merits of this particular make of Ferrari. Normally I'd have said nothing, but as he expounded fulsome details of all that 0-60 crap, I couldn't help but mutter sourly:

'Yeah, but the seats are too low and clutch is an utter bitch.'

Bloke shot me a look of smug contempt, gave the Ferrari's boot a little fatherly pat and said:

'Well I think I know more about this kind of car than you do 'mate'.'

The inverted commas clanged with sarcasm. Right up to the point when I haughtily unlocked the car, threw in the Boots bag and pulled away.

Even better, he kind of froze up in cringe, so he stayed leant on the boot until it turned into empty air. One of Those Blokes, arse first to the tarmac. Lovely.
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 13:11, 21 replies)

Oh wow.
This is fucking brilliant.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 13:20, closed)

If this is true
it was a delicious win.

I have to ask though, do you really own a ferrari? Or did you win your companies red letter day or something?
(bROKEN aRROW PUA HVI Master, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 13:22, closed)

As long
As you're not Richard-fucking-Carr, this is brilliant.
(Deskbound You insignificant speck of dust, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 13:26, closed)

Absolutely
Brilliant!!!
(Ymob is a kaburu, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 13:29, closed)

nice one
do you own a ferrari?
( zulu eh?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 13:35, closed)

Heh, thanks...
...but god no I don't own a Ferrari. Belonged to my ex - I was entrusted with it as I was performing an urgent mission of mercy, ie Boots. Always the same with a cold, isn't it - you get over the last one, forget to restock, and when the next one strikes and you find you have 1 mouldy Lemsip and half a night-nurse.

Summer is a lousy time of the year to get one too - in that kind of humidity with every breath I could almost see myself enveloping my head with a fine haze of snot. Gross.
(IChewCandlewax, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 14:00, closed)

well nicely done
clicks
( zulu eh?, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 14:58, closed)

*Applauds*
And duly clicks.
( snee held his breath since, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 14:13, closed)

You deserve a knighthood for this one....
... for services to smug-twat slaying.

*click*
( Ugi , it's a game of give and cake, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 14:24, closed)

Oh yes, we have a winner!
liked very much!!
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 14:40, closed)

I love this
Well done Sir.
( awayfromthenumbers, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 15:18, closed)

If this doesn't win,
er...

something else will.
*click*
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 15:42, closed)

this is just win
*clicks*
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 16:11, closed)

Had to read it twice purely so I could laugh again.
~clicks~
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:21, closed)

Hahahaha
*click*
(Sadarse works like Mist condensing mud flaps, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 17:37, closed)

Win!
This is made of win-ness. I, too, am sick to death of this foolish verbal cock-enlargery. Have a clicky!
(Draco Rattus ate all the pies on, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 19:30, closed)

Oh, I think I may have just had a little wee...
...in my trousers! So happy, so very happy! We have Those Blokes here too, and I'd give my central nut to do what you've done.
(magentacock is spunking like it's nineteen ninety-nine..., Tue 8 Feb 2011, 19:51, closed)

Over here
they're generally referred to as guidos, regardless of ethnic origins. Snookie is the undisputed queen of the guidos, and has not a drop of Italian ancestry. They're generally identified by their over-gelled hair, Oompa Loompa tans and general douchebag behavior.

Glad to know that they're not purely an American phenomenon.
( Wanderer, Tue 8 Feb 2011, 20:28, closed)

I just don't know if I could manage to eat any more of this delicious win.
*click!*
( Colonel Boris "...a desperate Buzzfeed imitation...", Tue 8 Feb 2011, 21:17, closed)

C'est Bon!
Clique!
( SigmaX0 Dear Die Hard. You rock!, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 8:47, closed)

Not clicking
because you let it hang in people's minds that you owned a Ferrari without adding a footnote "OH BY THE WAY IT WASN'T MINE"

The very definition of deception!




*Click* :)
(lemonadegame, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:28, closed)