Dear God.
When I die and go to heaven, can you put me in the dorm near Gerald Butler and George Clooney.

Fank you.
( girlinthehole, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:38, 1 reply)

Dear Gordon Brown...
Look, I know it's been your dream to play at running the country and that your jug-eared friend said he'd let you have a go in much the same way that a kid with a new Playstation says he'll let his poorer mate come round to play it, but then refuses to give up the controller. I know you really, really, wanted to fulfil your eogtistical power fantasies, presumably as a way of getting over the fact you were probably bullied through school and were the unfit wheezy kid that everyone picked on.

I understand that you thought letting the countries finances be run by people whose expertise was based on their ability to wear a suit and lie convincingly was a good idea and that, presumably, you had some thought that meant lending money to those who couldn't afford to repay it in order to secure the votes of the underclasses who felt life was good as they ordered Plasma TVs they couldn't actually pay for was probably sound political thinking.

I understand that you think that spending more on a political witch-hunt over expenses than the expenses claimed had cost was sensible.

I understand that you thought that devolving the UK into petty squabbling factions was genius, despite the fact that Scotland is now a haven for public services that are funded out of the English Parliament (after all, if Scotland, Ireland and Wales are self-governing, then surely England should be, as well).

I understand that you think sending troops into battle with equipment that a boy scout would turn down and under-funding the compensation and treatement of the poor sods who are being blown apart is good fiscal probity, whilst awarding bonuses and medals to Labour civil servants who happen to pass over Afghanistan on a quick jolly is fine.

I understand that it's not fair that people say you're unelected because in the UK we elect the party, not the leader, despite the fact that you have changed the way the party manifesto is headed, thus negating the points on which your party gained power.

I understand you think it's fine to sling accusations of corruption at any competitors, whilst re-hiring and offering a peerage to a man who had to efectively flee the country to a quiet job in the EU over huge scandals over corruption.

I understand that it's not fair to criticise the fact you can't even be bothered to spell a soldier's name correctly in a letter when he has given his life for this country and that it's unfair to blame the fact you're blind in one eye and obviously care about no-one other than yourself.

I understand that you feel it is fine to create an atmosphere in your own cabinet where no-one would even tell you the uilding is on fire in case you attack them, where you can accept no personal responsibility for any decisions you have made that have gone wrong or which have been found out to be deliberately misleading or dishonest.

I understand this all, Mr Brown, because you are a cunt. I, and 90% of the british public, wouldn't piss on your gums if your teeth were on fire. How can we trust the leadership of the country to a man whose long-term vision matches his monocular outlook on life? I'm surprised the helmet you wore when trying to look "down with the lads" visiting the troops in Basra didn't have a fucking bullseye on it - why, after all the por sods who have been shot, a sniper couldn't have hit you will remain a mystery to me. Presumably it's because you made a deal with the devil you soul-less slack-jawed, pious twat.

Yours Sincerely, etc...
(Chad, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:34, 13 replies)

I don't even take a book
Dear HR department,

Due to my irrational fear of other people’s toilets, I can only poop at home.
As such please take this letter as confirmation that I am unable to take a dump during working hours.

Please therefore increase my annual leave quota by one week to bring me inline with the rest of my department.

Kind regards,

Dervel
( Dervel OTBC, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:30, 12 replies)

Dear QOTW users,
We get some good questions, we get some bad questions. Sometimes we get heartfelt, amusing or interesting answers, sometimes we get trolling, utter lies and a whole page of 'First lol'. Often, we get bitching and whining about shit questions, or people running to the mods because someone's been nasty to them online. On behalf of the good people of QOTW, I implore those that would bitch and whine and mod-gaz: man the fuck up, switch your internet off and go and do something less boring instead.

Lots of love,
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:22, 7 replies)

Dear David Cameron
Brace yourself...

*props to TFBB and Amberl*
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:19, 11 replies)

Dear guy that ran me over
You got me 3 weeks off of work

Thank you
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:19, 5 replies)

Dear David Carradine
I'm your no.1 fan. I thought you were awesome in the Kill Bill movies.


Let's hang out sometime.
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:18, Reply)

An obvious one
Dear My Bank,
Please stop ripping me off and treating me like scum just because I don't have a huge income being paid in monthly, or one of your loans/credit cards/mortgages.
Oh, and I want that £39 back you took off me because I was 68p short when you paid a direct debit knowing full well the money wasn't there to cover it.
Yours vitriolic

A. Customer.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:18, 2 replies)

Dear BBC
Please can I have the mobile number and address of Polly Evans (BBC South East, 18:30, weekdays)

She is a little minx that makes me go all squidgy when I think of her.

Thanks.
(FUXTIX Not my words, Carol, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:15, 3 replies)

Last Friday, David Mitchell tweeted a message to me.
It was in reply to a joke I made. This was fair enough.

Since then, a few David Mitchell-obsessed fans have found my email address, and have started emailing me.

To: Stephen Frizzle
From: Adrian M*****
Subject: David mitchell

hey there, do you work on the bubble or peep show? i saw you chatting to david mitchell and was wondering if i could get tickets to the bubble. thanks

adrian

To: Stephen Frizzle
From: Kayle C******
Subject: The Bubble

Hey, I saw you earlier chatting to David Mitchell - is he a friend of yours? Sorry for the inconvenience, but I was just wondering if you’d be able to get me tickets to the next recording of The Bubble. Ed Byrne’s gonna be on it and my boyfriend loves him.

Sorry if this is too much!
Kayle xxxxx

To: Stephen Frizzle
From: Chris C****
Subject: peep show

Hi mate, do you know when the new peep show is?

To: Stephen Frizzle
From: Daniel R*******
Subject: Peep Show: New Series?

Hello, I’ve tried emailing David Mitchell but he never replies. Do you know when the new series of Peep Show is going to be? Thanks in advance, Daniel

I do not know David Mitchell.

Please stop emailing me.
( __, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:15, 12 replies)

Oh Yeah!
Dear halfwit ex-fiancee,

I love my wife far more than I could ever have loved you.
It is so pleasing to hear you are unhappy you two-faced,
manipulative philandering bitch.

Forgive? Maybe. Forget? Never.

Yours? Not in this life,

Porkylips.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:14, 2 replies)

Dear Mum,
Please learn to pick your boyfriends better. You don't realise that your bad decisions in your past mean shit dads for the rest of us. Picking younger men with messed up home lives, does not a stable relationship make. It means that when you have two children, and promptly die, that nobody wants to tell our dad we even exist because they're scared. We're seperated and my sister is treated like a princess, and I'm treated like practically slave labour. That gave me a complex for most of my entire life, I did stupid and irresponsible things because I simply didn't care about anything at all. If you'd picked some nice young man without the potential of evil, I'd probably have grown up entirely normal. I certainly wouldn't have been maimed both physically, and mentally (kissing your sister unknowingly is *not* nice.) However you're dead and this letter will never get there.

Love

Luke Skywalker


So very, very sorry. I needed to do it once
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:13, 5 replies)

Dear Helen Keller
.. -... . - -.-- --- ..- .----. .-. . --. --- -. -. .- .... .- ...- . .- .... .- .-. -.. - .. -- . .-. . .- -.. .. -. --. - .... .. ... .-.-.-
( Crap Little Monkey Deathstar, so good they built it twice, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:11, 4 replies)

Dear Stagecoach
Take one overcrowded bus service.
Replace it with coaches, so that legally no "standees" are allowed.
Make sure that the bus is full by only running it every thirty minutes.
Tell us, it's OK that we waited ninety minutes - because the bus has leather seats and wifi.

Twats.
(MightyX5 living on a small island on, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:09, 2 replies)

Dear Helen Keller...
etc.


Love Zak.
( Zak McFlimby Twibbling @McFlimby, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:08, 2 replies)

Shoot me
B'ing dysl'xic, I'v' always found that "'" is a l'tt'r that'll n'v'r b' r'ad...
(Helo, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:07, 1 reply)

Dear Peter Andre
as the fifth of your 6 'packs',
can I please request you stop hurting me and my brethren
with sit-ups.
Thanks
(bacontrout got ska, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:07, Reply)

Alright, enough bitching. Let's have an answer...
(I feel I could have some ranty fun this week so I'll start with a slightly rehashed repost from the early days of /offtopic)

An open letter to the train companies,

Why the fuck did Southwest Trains decide those weekends at the start of last year were a great time to close the line between Clapham Junction and Barnes, the very same weekend that TFL gave advance warning it was closing the District Line? Anybody want to get to Wandsworth or Putney that weekend? Tough shit, we're not going to let you.

And while I'm here: First Great Western. How in the name of jolly-rogering-fuck do you justify charging me £20 for a day return from London to Reading? I can get all the way from London to fucking Southampton and back ON DIFFERENT DAYS for the same price. You are cocks.

Back to SWT, mainly because I've ended up using your services most of all and because I hate you - tell me, why Surbiton is technically in Zone 6, even though it's closer to London than a large proportion of zone 5 and, I daresay, a few parts of zone 4? I'll tell you why: you spotted a commuter-town-cash-cow and decided you'd shift the boundaries so that you could milk anybody travelling into London from Surbiton. You arrogant kitten-raping, vomit-gurgling fuckbags. Did you honestly think we wouldn't notice?

Oh, I'm sorry: did I hear you say you needed the money to improve your service? Just HOW THE FUCK HAS THIS SERVICE BEEN IMPROVED AS A RESULT OF MY INORDINATELY MORE EXPENSIVE TICKET? I STILL HAVE TO FIGHT MY WAY ONTO A TRAIN WHICH APPEARS TO BE A CARRIAGE SHORTER EVERY WEEK ONLY TO SPEND HALF AN HOUR WITH MY SPINE BENT TO FIT THE WALLS OF THE CARRIAGE, WITH SOME VILE LITTLE CHAV KID STANDING HALF-ON MY TOES AND WITH MY NOSE IN SOME OTHER FUCKER'S SWEATY PINSTRIPED ARMPIT!

With best regards,

Mr S Crow
(LongJohnBaldry, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:07, 7 replies)

There's loads of letters I'll never read
Now someone pass my big blacked out glasses and white stick
(NuffMuff fucks shrubbery, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:05, Reply)

letter they'll never read, you say?
www.b3ta.com/questions/questionsyoudliketoask/
(bblgoose, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:02, 13 replies)

8th?

(betty swollocks, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:01, Reply)

Another emo week. *sigh*
I'm sure I'll still contribute something cathartic.
No point suffering without retaliation.
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Thu 4 Mar 2010, 14:01, Reply)

4th
arse
(sarcasminasuit, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 13:58, Reply)

4th?
hehehe
(Soutiejie Is a happy lady on, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 13:58, Reply)

First?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 13:57, Reply)

I Love You

I really do. When you look up at me with those baby-blue eyes I just melt...

But, if you crap on the floor one more time instead of the cat litter, I'm going to boot your little arse up and down the room until you can't shit for a week.

Picture in the reply.

Cheers
( Legless Mister Stabby - shanks for the memory, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 13:57, 9 replies)

First
Sorry.

Will that do?
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Thu 4 Mar 2010, 13:57, 2 replies)