A letter I'll never read
Sorry there are no lols in this but I thought I'd share anyway

My best friend (and first love) wrote herself a letter when she was 18 to read on her 30th birthday, which it duly was. She let me read it as there was quite a lot of stuff about me in it.
And at the age of 30 she wrote one to open when she's 40, but she died shortly after turning 31.
I would love to read that letter, or have her read it to me on her 40th birthday. Neither of those things is going to happen.

Hullo Sunshine,
I miss you, I still love you with all my heart and the world is a dimmer place without you.
Love Sunburnt Tiger
( Sunburnt Tiger Herbie goes Piranhas!, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 19:47, 1 reply)

Dear Sir or Madam
You are a cow son bastard-sucking mental. You die heavily in throat ripping everywhere don't like the queen this countrie. For tear out lungs and replace with portable clothes (yes please). National Service, who is she? Stripping scrotum through eerie leery pastures of deep smell.

- M. Pontillo.




(not my own work, but either you already know who it's by or you desperately need to find out)
(StapMyVitals wouldn't mind a bit of that, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 18:39, 1 reply)

Let's all sign off our posts with our names
Even though our names are written underneath anyway.

TheManWithThePlan
(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 18:32, 7 replies)

Dear Jim'll Fix It
When I was younger my mum sent you a letter asking you if I could ice skate with Robin Cousins.

I'm glad you didn't reply as I wasn't really interested in skating with him I just thought the medal was real gold and would be worth enough to buy a python or a spaceship.

Now obviously I know it was probably made of tin.

Thanks for saving me from national TV embarrassment, I've never skated and I would have been on my arse most of the time. Also, let's be honest, you'd have probably had a grope and scarred me for life.

Love, MMMH
(Mortal Wombat - he's just an excitable boy, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 18:32, Reply)

Un Correspondence pour "The Beef"
Dear Shia LeBoeuf,

I'm writing to you on behalf of my childhood, and the childhood of my entire generation. This may seem like a strange way to start a letter, especially when you consider that I'm only a spattering of months older than you.

However that narrow gap in age means that you may be able to empathise more closely with my thoughts and feelings. You see Shia, like many boys of our generation I loved TV. Yes, I harboured dreams of one day going outside and kicking a ball without ending up arse-down in the mud, but it was the comforting busom of TV that served as my childhood companion.

You may remember, as I do, watching cartoons that were little better than adverts for amazing toys. Toys that turned from a plane, into a robot, into a pile of broken and twisted plastic. I know you'll remember these amazing cartoons, and I sincerely hope that your memories aren't as bittersweet as mine.

You see, whereas my formative years were spent rapaciously devouring AV content from the television, I grew up into a bit of an Internet nerd. And one fine summer's eve, I received an email containing this footage.

Imagine my excitement! 90 minutes of those toys I'd grown up with, beating lumps of leaden shite out of each other in glorious HD. Yes, Michael Bay's stink was all over it, but surely that meant BIGGER EXPLOSIONS! My excitement was uncontainable.

Release day. I took my girlfriend. It was our anniversary. I settled down and waited for the robot slugfest.

I expected mechanical monsters. Let me tell you, there was more hi-tech machinery and cold metal involved in the post-movie anniversary celebrations (but I digress)...

Back to the film. I expected robot warfare. I got you. You. You absolute cockend.

What felt like 6 hours of "The Boring Life of the Pissarse Shia LeBoeuf". The trials of your incontinent dog. The tribulations of your lust for an inanimate (and barely lifelike) plastic and rubber doll. The sheer horror of your gurning fucking face on an IMAX fucking screen whilst we HEARD THE SOUNDS OF AN EPIC ROBOT BATTLE.

Fuck you man. What were you thinking? Bay didn't understand. Bay wasn't there. But you? You were a mid-80s kid. You were one of us. And you still thought that we'd rather see YOU than OPTIMUS PRIME.

Thanks to you, one of my treasured childhood memories has been wiped across the Hollywood doormat like so much congealed dogshit.

I swear to Christ. If you ever so much as look at Indiana Jones, I'll be the last thing you do see.

Wait. Indiana Jones and the Crystal What??

I'm coming for you Beef.

Yours Sincerely,

Psycorp603
(Psycorp603, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 18:00, 7 replies)

Camp Granada
Always made me laugh when I was young. To the tune of Dance of the Hours.

Hello Muddah, hello Fadduh.
Here I am at Camp Granada.
Camp is very entertaining,
And they say we'll have some fun if it stops raining.

I went hiking with Joe Spivy.
He developed poison ivy.
You remember Leonard Skinner...
He got ptomain poisoning last night after dinner.

All the counselors hate the waiters,
And the lake has alligators,
And the head coach wants no sissies,
So he reads to us from something called "Ulysses".

Now I don't want this should scare ya,
But my bunk mate has malaria.
You remember Jeffrey Hardy...
They're about to organize a searching party.

Take me home, oh Muddah, Fadduh,
Take me home, I hate Granada!
Don't leave me in the forest where
I might get eaten by a bear.

Take me home, I promise I will not make noise,
Or mess the house with other boys.
Oh, please don't make me stay,
I've been here one whole day.

Dearest Father, darling Mother,
How's my precious little brother?
Let me come home if you miss me,
I would even let Aunt Bertha hug and kiss me.

Wait a minute, it stopped hailing,
Guys are swimming, gals are sailing.
Playing baseball, gee that's betta,
Muddah, Fadduh, kindly disregard this letter!
(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Sun 7 Mar 2010, 17:27, 2 replies)

Emmanualle Beart
Should you ever fancy an English bit of rough.

You are top my list of 5.
(gjb006, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 17:22, Reply)

Parents of students aged between 14-16, taking their GCSE's
When your son/daughter has failed her maths GCSE, and not even come close to attaining the grade s/he was predicted, please do not have a chat in the clubhouse the school governer (who plays at your golf club) and ask them why the teacher must be rubbish and should not be employed at the school.

Email the teacher in question to find the true facts: you offspring are spoiled chav fuckwits that believe that 1 nights revision is "enough, i'm clever" and by doing one question in class, they understand how to apply the theories I have taught them in the lesson. Your son spends the lesson scratching himself and talking about kill streaks in COD and your daughter looks like a $5 whore and spends the lessosn discussing who they f*cked at the weekend. They have no work ethic and due to modern teaching things you will over-rule any detention I set because precious little Raiph has a "headcold".

Get your own house in order before you start throwing opinions about others.

(PS - really wanted to do the whole My Name is Earl thing and apologise to the women i have hurt; but it'd take ages and the football is on)
(gjb006, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 17:16, 1 reply)

To those three girls yesterday.
Thanks for asking me to spend the day with you guys yesterday. I don't think you even know how much I needed to spend time with people who aren't wankers, or how much I appreciated it.
(Maxfire, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 16:14, Reply)

Mama,
Just killed a man...
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 15:52, 1 reply)

Dear flatmate.
The Kitchen surface or in the sink is not the place for dirty dishes. I don't mind if you dont wash up for a day or so but please could you do SOME washing up. Just any.

Also stop lying to me. I know that you haven't left the house - telling me that you "left a few minutes after you did this morning and just got in 5 minutes before" is just insulting my intelligence. You got in after a hard day at uni and the first thing you did was change into your PJ's and get bed head. There are other things but those two will make a start.

Also sorry for bringing my mates home last night but it only happens once every few months.

thanks.
your passive agressive note leaver flatmate.

Alex.

P.S - your room really smells and you talk too much.
( Nostrebor can't be everything all the time., Sun 7 Mar 2010, 15:41, 2 replies)

Dear Kayleigh
Is it too late to say I'm sorry?

I thought we'd always be friends.
( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 15:34, 10 replies)

Dear Ainsley Harriot,
Just a small letter of thanks for the part you played in me getting my letters.

Every time your cheerful, grinning face appeared on my telly, I turned it off and went and wrote a bit more of my dissertation.

Cheers, mate!

Fish (BSc)
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 13:55, Reply)

Dear Kate Bush,
Since you've obviously knocked the expressive dancing on the head, could you please have a rummage through your old leotard drawer and send me one?

Don't worry if it's a little 'musty', it really doesn't matter to me at all, honest.

Fish x
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 13:49, 1 reply)

Dear George Lucas.
You will no doubt be aware that 'Avatar' has taken an awful lot of money.

You may now be feeling tempted to inflict a 3D version of your tired franchise on me in the mistaken belief that, even though I have had these films pushed down my throat on terrestrial TV every fucking Bank Holiday for the last two decades or so, I will now suddenly develop an insatiable need to see something I can practically quote verbatim once more in a different format.

Bear in mind that I have yet to forgive you for your 'Special Editions', and so really do not require this particular dead horse to be given a further flogging on my behalf.

It's over. Deal with it. Go count your money and leave me alone.

Yours,
Fish x
(Billy The Fish wants to gargle with Lucy Pinder's bath water, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 13:39, 3 replies)

Dear Mother
Dear Father
What Is this Hell You Have Put Me Through
Believer
Deceiver
Day in Day out Live My Life Through You
Pushed onto Me What's Wrong or Right
Hidden from this Thing That They Call Light

Yours Sincerely

M.E.Tallica
(kitescreech still here, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 13:15, 2 replies)

Dear Messrs. SpankyHanky and Legless,
Yes, I appreciate that this is quite sycophantic and many b3tans will quite aptly rip the piss for this letter.

But I don't care.

Your posts genuinely brighten my day, and make me suppress my laughter in a very quiet lab on a frequent basis. So they may be overly elaborate: to be honest, who cares? They aren't hurting anyone (other than yourselves). They are epic stories and deserve the credit they get.

Please keep them coming.

SSMTB

PS. I don't want either of you to touch my eruption button if that is what you think after reading this.
PPS. To all the other b3tans out there - I like your stories too. You just know I'm right about this!
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 13:02, 3 replies)

Sorry in advance for the complete lack of humour and general pointless bitching
Dear Cancer,

You know, for something that starts out as a simple break in DNA affecting no more than 7 genes in a single cell, you really are a complete bastard.

Your Krukenberg buddy took away my Grandma last year and I watched her die slowly. The only thing that got her through it was her faith in God, which is not my way of thinking but hey, it helped her mentally beat you.

You took away my best friend's dad before he was 50, leaving my mate to deal with everything because his mum and sister couldn't cope with the loss: congrats. You've turned one of the nicest people ever into a borderline alcoholic with acute depression and insomnia.

You are slowly killing my friend and mother of four, and for this, I truly, truly hate you.

You have affected virtually everyone I know in one way or another and are a complete cunt for this.

I know that this letter is completely pointless and really doesn't change the fact that you are a petty, ugly disease. Bitching isn't going to change anything and there are thousands of people out there who are positivly kicking your metastasizing, uncontrollably proliferating arse every day.

One day, we will have your number and you will not be able to hurt people again.

Yours (defiant 'til then end)

SSMTB
(satanstolemyteddybear Mu hõljuk on angerjaid täis, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 12:50, 7 replies)

Dear Tina,
I'm sorry that when we first started going out you asked me outright if I wanted kids in the future I replied 'yes', I shouldn't have done, I've wasted 6 months of your life with you thinking that I wanted to settle down and have a family. I wish I had been honest and told you that I'm a selfish twat who only looks out for number one, at least then you could have saved falling in love with me and planning for the future.

I'm also so sorry for telling you that I wanted to end it on the 13th of Feb, it was a proper shitty thing to do and I feel utterly crap about the whole thing

You deserve to be with someone who wants the same things as you and you will find him, you have so much to give and I happily lapped it all up under false pretences.

You are Beautiful, funny, honest, reliable, why wouldn't I want to be with you? you're perfect for me, oh my god I'm such a cunt, I can't believe I've done what I've done.. Of course I love you, why wouldn't I? Can I fix this? Probably not and I wouldn't blame you for never speaking to me again, but I've got to try.

I'm on my way over, hope you're in!


*wish me luck!
(Kip, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 12:21, 6 replies)

To my old friend Taylor,
I heard, through our mate Hudson who I called for the first time in what? Three years? Four? That you were going to marry my ex from when all of us were in London. Now, why you'd want to do this considering what she put me through I don't know. Anyway, probably something she didnt' tell you, (unless she has but I doubt she would) was that shortly before we broke up (in fact it was the main reason) was that she tried to get me to have a threesome with Donald and her. Yeah. Him. Well, I SAY threesome, what she actually said was that she wanted to see me get done by another bloke while she watched, maybe joined in later. Now, I could live with the drunken foolery (I was no saint then , but you know this) and the deameaning abuse in front of friends too to a degree but this was it. I threw Rita out of the flat that night and told her to fuck off (more words involved but you get the gist) so the take my advice and get the Hell out of Dodge.

Laters Tayl, never Reet.
( Funkenschlag still likes dogs more than cats, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 11:56, Reply)

Dear B3TA,
when did you become twitter?

That is all.
( monkeyboyalpha jumping on the bandwagon since, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 10:50, 2 replies)

Who Are you?
Dear Roger Daltrey,
Thank you for not telling me to fuck off when I shoved that bit of paper in your face to sign right in the middle of your meal. I was only 10 years old at the time and the Waitress made me go up and get your autograph. I don’t think I would have been so gracious in the same situation. It’s been bugging me for years. BTW : Great concert in Sydney last year.
(rodmunch99, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 8:20, Reply)

Dear anti-pornography campaigers.
Please abandon the idea that repeated viewing of pornography has a throbbing effect on the viewer. It's a load of horny teens.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 7:23, Reply)

Dear people who are emailing me.
I'd never considered that I may need "a real advantage to turn her on", nor that "girl only like the guy with the big stick". But you all seem so certain. Is...are people talking about me?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 7:20, Reply)

Dear Lily Thai,
Please start taking it up the arse. All the other porn stars do, and I think that's good enough reason for you to do it too.

Love

Eden xxx
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 7:14, 8 replies)

What you should probably know is this:
Dear SIlent,

I didn't talk. I know you have had bad experiences with the end of relationships, where women get nasty and spread rumours. That isn't me. I didn't run away to my girlfriends and sob on their shoulders, and tell tales true and false.

The reason I turn away now? To be honest I just don't know what to say to you or to your friends. I am confused by the way it ended. I feel like the "silly" one for genuinely liking you and for going out of my way for you. I am not happy about the fact that we can't be friends in the way I am with all my other exes and interests. You turned away from me first and after extending a hand for so long with no sign of it being accepted I had to withdraw to look after myself.

I'd like to say "no harm, no foul", instead I will have to say that I do in fact wish you well despite the confusion,

russet

/emo
(russet_gusset up the reds, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 7:02, Reply)

Dear T
The reason those flowers all went a bit funny may have had something to do with the empty bottle found next to them.
Contrary to popular belief, the contents was not water.
Learn how to treat people and more importantly learn how to respect your staff.
Much love and bodily fluid,
xxxx
(chibs, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 1:16, Reply)

Dear next-door-neighbour
Sorry that you caught me looking down your wife's blouse thru the kitchen window whilst she was gardening in the front garden.

I suppose it was a combination of a) her not having done up enough buttons and b) me being a typical man, who's wife is ill and has not put out for a few weeks.

Actually, next-door-neighbour, seeing as by definition of this QOTW, you will never read this so, fuck it, I think you wife has great tits...

...especially for a 71 year old.
(FUXTIX Not my words, Carol, Sun 7 Mar 2010, 1:01, Reply)