a wooden spoon sticky taped to the crown of your head
makes an ideal head dobber. No point buying those expensive dobbing wands now.
( $$ ✅, Fri 29 May 2015, 15:42, 1 reply)

If you're planning a murder-suicide, make sure you do the murder first and the suicide second.

( Zuowan, Fri 29 May 2015, 15:29, Reply)

Need to record a didgeridoo but don't have one?
No problem - just blow raspberries into a microphone instead.
(Haywood Manley, Fri 29 May 2015, 14:30, Reply)

Gents - when playing music, always turn the volume up slightly higher than you actually want it
This means that when your girlfriend or wife appears and invariably tuts then turns the music down a notch, it will now be at your perfect listening level.
(iwrite4u, Fri 29 May 2015, 13:35, 1 reply)

The secret to a happy kitchen
1) Fit two dishwashers in your kitchen.
2) Possess exactly the correct amount of crockery to fill one of them.
3) When eating, take a clean plate out, use it, then place it dirty in the other machine.
4) When that machine is full, and the other is empty, run the dirty machine and start moving things back to the first machine as they are used.

You never have to empty a dishwasher, or move things from the machine to a cupboard.
(moon monkey is busy making memories worth repressing, Fri 29 May 2015, 13:28, 3 replies)

Improve your life significantly
by not being a tragic parody of a human who lives in a bedsit, takes pictures of drug addled whores with toys up them, thinks a cartoon created to sell toys is the pinnacle of art, and thinks these things are somehow a good thing.
( BraynDedd Natasha Kaplinsky's labia majora, Fri 29 May 2015, 11:01, 32 replies)

slow whippet?
place half a sausage in its mouth and rub it's back legs hard. This will release chemicals that rejuvenate its metabolism and cause it to run faster.
( $$ ✅, Fri 29 May 2015, 10:43, 3 replies)

pretend your a tennis player
by standing in your kitchen with 3 oranges in your hand.
put one in your pocket, throw one up the stairs and hit the other out the back door with a frying pan.
( Ya What Skiddlyboop, Fri 29 May 2015, 9:54, 3 replies)

Forgot your mascara?
simply break a ball point pen apart and dab your finger in the ink.
Then close your eye and paint your lashes with the ink.
Wahey! You have great looking lashes that last all day.
( $$ ✅, Fri 29 May 2015, 9:47, Reply)

Avoid drowning under the weight of your enormous, blubbery torso by adding salt to your private swimming pool.

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 29 May 2015, 9:13, 5 replies)

In the past, you turned to cigarettes as a quick pick-me-up when times were stressful — but no more.
Now you have to find techniques to deal with everyday stress in a healthier way. Physical activity—walking, cleaning the house, or gardening—can help you reduce your stress while keeping your mind off any cravings. Deep-breathing techniques or meditation can help you find calm and avoid taking stress out in less constructive ways. Whatever way you find works best for you, remember to turn to that when you need to let off some steam.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 29 May 2015, 9:11, 3 replies)

Platitudes appear more profound if you print them on a picture of Mark Twain
and more pithy if you print them on a picture of Oscar Wilde.

Don't bother printing them on a picture of Elizabeth Gaskell because nobody recognises her.
(lol man river definite greek god, Fri 29 May 2015, 9:10, 2 replies)

When making love and you feel you're about to bust a nut too soon
start recalling pi to as many decimal places as possible.
( $$ ✅, Fri 29 May 2015, 9:04, 5 replies)

Make up tedious bon mot and attribute them to A.A Milne's Winnie The Pooh, who knows you may get a book deal.

( d.r._and_quinch when will you be famous?, Fri 29 May 2015, 8:56, Reply)

Never assume as
you make an ass out of you and me.
( $$ ✅, Fri 29 May 2015, 8:54, 7 replies)

If you're being attacked by a swan, punch it on the beak
it messes up its tracking system, so it'll get confused and swim away
( Two Hats 🎩🎩, Fri 29 May 2015, 8:52, 6 replies)

Perfect Poached eggs
Use a massive deep pan and drop the eggs in from as high as you can. Don't bother to remove the shells, they will separate from the egg once it hits the water.
( Peej, Fri 29 May 2015, 8:37, 1 reply)

1) If your puny muscles aren't stront enough to loosen a tight nut using a spanner
then use a ring spanner over the open end of your first spanner to provide extra leverage.

2) Open a banana properly by pinching the bottom end; it will split in two, allowing you to peel the skin away easily rather than tugging ineffectually at the stem.

3) Writing a scathing retort to a comment on the internet? Look in the mirror, you pasty-faced wanker, and see the grotesque parody of your parent's dreams for your adulthood that you've become.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Fri 29 May 2015, 8:32, 12 replies)

taken a job as a moderator on an Internet message board?
Try not being a humourless spastic and it might go better.
( Windy Pig I'm naturally quite suspicious about the moon., Fri 29 May 2015, 8:25, Reply)

When walking through a busy underground station during rush hour
take a moment to consider how much less shit your life could have been if you'd tried a bit harder.
(lol man river definite greek god, Fri 29 May 2015, 8:14, 6 replies)

recycle foil by sticking it in the microwave on high
it takes the bacteria off it so you can use it again
( $$ ✅, Fri 29 May 2015, 8:09, Reply)

Enjoy being 'sausaged'?
Tie yourself naked to a lamp post in Soho.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 29 May 2015, 7:29, 1 reply)

Don't shake your baby when your nerves are frayed.
Smacking it on the arse works every bit as well and doesn't jelly its brain.
(the other guy not the one that gave you coochie warts, Fri 29 May 2015, 1:17, 2 replies)

When walking through a busy underground station during rush hour
quicken your pace when some annoying brain dead cunt dragging a bag behind them is in front of you and everyone else, deliberately walk into it, on top of it a bit for drama, and then kick it with exaggerated annoyance to one side, and either feign injury or tell them to fuck off if they look at you as if they have been wronged. Other people around you will usually offer vocal moral support if they make a big deal out of it.
( Harpago ¯\(°_o)/¯, Fri 29 May 2015, 1:06, 1 reply)

If you find that your bum is itching a bit in the office,
try just scratching it.

People will pretend they didn't notice.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 28 May 2015, 23:51, 2 replies)

When using flights of stairs with turns of 180 degrees,
try stepping into the turning point diagonally with the inside foot, deftly rotating your body in the direction contrary to the turn and stepping diagonally out onto the next flight of stairs.

You will save yourself as many as 2 steps per turn.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 28 May 2015, 23:49, 2 replies)

stick your prick up your fuckin arse and go fuck yourself

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 28 May 2015, 23:49, 1 reply)

Travelling to London?
Change your plans: it appears to be populated entirely by spastics, gaylords and coons.
(Baggenfrock get fucked, Thu 28 May 2015, 22:43, 1 reply)

including spelling mistakes in you're post will bring all the pedants out from under they're rocks

(katie hopkins telling it where its at, Thu 28 May 2015, 21:39, 4 replies)