Millionlols
A couple of months back we played an almighty practical joke. Our mate Michael had been having a really rough time of it recently, he’d lost his job, been dumped by his long-term girlfriend and been forced to move back in with his folks. Bit of a shitter all round really.

We’d rallied round, taken him out for drinks, forced him to go clubbing, even set him up on blind dates – but nothing was working, he was a non-stop, perpetual depressive. More thought obviously had to go into his recovery. So we started planning ‘The Joke’.

We thought long and hard about what Mike would want most at this juncture in his life. We couldn’t get his bird back, she’d legged it to Australia – but maybe we could do something about his financial situation.

So one Friday night he reluctantly agreed to be dragged out the house, nothing fancy – just a poker game at Todd’s gaff. Five of us were there and we tried all night to get him laughing, get him drunk and get him back to being the old Mike. But as we expected, he just sat there with a thousand-yard stare, knocking back beers when they came his way. The guy was pretty much catatonic.

At around 11pm, right on cue, I stood up and announced I’d bought everyone a Euromillions ticket and that we should watch the live draw. I handed out the tickets and we all feigned excitement as the Beeb hyped up the draw. Todd proudly upped the volume on his brand-new 40” Sony 3D LED TV and we all swivelled round to watch.

The numbers came up - and one by one we all violently screwed up our tickets and flung them at the TV, crying ‘Waste of money!’ ‘The odds are 50 million to one to win this shit!’ ‘I didn’t even get one fucking number!’

All except Mike that is. He was barely paying attention. ‘Come on Mike,’ I said, ‘check yours so we can get on with the game.’ He glanced at his ticket, glanced at the screen, checked his ticket again and then got up and walked slowly towards the TV until he was just centimetres from the screen. He studied his ticket. He studied the screen, repeating this action several times. And then he fell to his knees.

‘I’ve got five numbers!’ He screamed. ‘I’ve five numbers and a fucking bonus ball!’ He turned to face us. ‘Check it Albert, check I’m not going mad.’ So I took his ticket from his shaking hands, made a show of looking, looking again, looking some more and then yelled, ‘Oh my God, Mike I think you’re right! You’ve won the fucking lottery mate!’

The phrase ‘tears of joy’ is often used but rarely witnessed. Mike actually was crying with joy. Tears streamed down his face as he stuttered: ‘Five numbers and a bonus ball – that’s got to be at least six-figures, at LEAST six-figures!’ He carried on, tears and snot falling down his face. He finally got up and hugged everyone in the room. ‘Thanks Albert, thank you so much – I won’t forget this and I’ll see you right I promise, every single one of you.’

Yes! He was cured! Beaming from ear to ear he bounced round the room, hopping and skipping pausing only to kiss each of us over and over again. And then we told him.

We’d recorded last week’s draw. Set it up on Sky+ and bought the same numbers for Mike’s ticket. And he’d fallen for it. Fallen for it hook, line and sinker. It was perfect. Perfect except for his reaction to the great reveal.

The tears stopped. The grin froze. His face crumpled like he’d had a stroke and he fixed us all in turn with a look that could do more than kill. It was a look that could torture, maim and murder. Having his world opened up to a bright and exciting future – and then having that yanked away from in the space of five minutes was too much for him to bear. He strode purposefully towards the TV and kicked it square in the centre as hard as is humanly possible. And then he ran. Pausing only to swear unintelligibly at us, I’m not sure what he was trying to say but it came out as ‘FUNTS!’

The expensive TV had caved in on itself and the room began to fill with the smell of burnt rubber. Todd’s face was priceless. When the dust had literally settled we began to laugh. Laugh like we’d never laughed before. All except Todd, ‘that wasn’t meant to be part of the plan’ he whimpered whilst trying to pick shards of television off the floor. But in time Todd came around and quick text of ‘FUNTS’ will always get a ‘lol’ in return. Not Mike though. No one’s heard from him in a while.

And now, whenever I’m having a shit time of it, whenever the car won’t start, whenever the job is getting me down and whenever life seems just that little bit too hard – I think of Mike and I think of Todd, and I start to smile and life doesn’t seem so bad after all.

It’s true what they say. Laughter is definitely the best of all medicines.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:10, 101 replies)

Amorous Badger et al calling you a creepy pervert and bringing out that screenshot in
3 ... 2 ... 1 ...
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:16, closed)

oh man, I'm looking forward to this...

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:26, closed)

tl;dr

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:20, closed)

So your story is that you took a depressed mate - at his VERY lowest point, gave him false hope, took it away from him, laughed your tits off and you've not heard from him since?
I wonder why.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:37, closed)

Cheers

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:46, closed)

Indeed.
It's called tough love. He'll be fine.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:58, closed)

But you don't know, because no one's heard from him for a while.
Righto.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:32, closed)

Also: SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:45, closed)

SP

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:02, closed)

I wonder if there was anything we could post to make him look like a worse human being?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:11, closed)

I wonder...

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:11, closed)

'SP'?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:13, closed)

Is there?
I'd be interested to see that.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:20, closed)

And also
SP.
(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:20, closed)

Aren't you that fella
Who's either a liar or a very creepy man (I'm not ruling out both)?
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:41, closed)

Then you finished the job by hacking his email and wanking over his private photos?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:57, closed)

Maybe...
I'd tell you if I wasn't laughing so hard at your sig.

PATELS are ringing! Oh man. That's fucking hilarious. Got any more?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:00, closed)

You tell me, have a go through my private emails and let me know.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:07, closed)

You did it again!
Patels are ringing! That is just priceless! What a gem - I'm gonna sing it at carol service this year. Can't wait to see the look on the vicar's face!

Patels are ringing! It's just SO clever. The way you took 'bells' and changed it to 'Patels' - it rhymes AND it's funny!

Patels are ringing! It just gets funnier and funnier!
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:10, closed)

Are you feeling OK, Albert?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:14, closed)

Stop! Please stop!
Patels are ringing!

How did you come up with that? I have to know. You must be some kind of super-comedian! I don't think I've ever read anything so funny.

Ding dong merrily on high...in heaven Patels are ring-ing! Witty, satirical, political - and above all, hilarious!

You're killing me!
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:17, closed)

Get a hold of yourself, man.
You're really starting to worry me now.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:20, closed)

He's a compulsive masturbator.
The last thing you should ask him to do is 'get a hold of himself'.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:22, closed)

No way!
You, worried? The author of the funniest line ever written? You shouldn't be worried, with your £millions and your sold out tours and your multi-platinum selling DVD's.

No, you've got no need to worry. A comedian of your level has nothing to worry about whatsoever.

What will you think of next? Can you do one about Mohammed? Please!

Patels are ringing! Jeez...I'll never tire of that one!
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:23, closed)

Do you live near a nuclear power plant?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:27, closed)

No!
But if you do...I'm moving next to one tomorrow! If nuclear power has given you the ability to come up with the 'Patels' line - then I'm diving straight into the reactor!

Can you sing it with me? Please?

1...2...3...altogether now:

"Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven Patels are ringing!"

Can I buy it? Is it available to download? You've got a sure-fire Xmas No.1 single there! Patels are ringing! The country will LOVE it!
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:32, closed)

Albert.
'No self-awareness' was last week.

Do keep up now, there's a good nonce.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:33, closed)

Also: SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:35, closed)

Also: SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:29, closed)

SP

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:30, closed)

SP

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:30, closed)

SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:33, closed)

SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:31, closed)

SP

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:32, closed)

SP

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:36, closed)

What.
The.
Fuckery?
( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:56, closed)

I think Albert's having some 'problems' at the moment.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:57, closed)

Albert, you sound like you have a headache.
Maybe you should have one of these bumbles I bought from a creepy nonce, they appear to be the same size and consistency as paracetamol, maybe they'll do the trick.

PLEASE DON'T WANK OVER MY EMAILS!!!!
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:16, closed)

Wanking?
How can I wank at a time like this? I'm having uncontrollable fits of laughter.

Have you read the Patel line? You try wanking after reading that...you'll barely be able to speak!

Patels are ringing! You see he substituted 'bells' for 'Patels' - isn't that just the greatest?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:26, closed)

No Albert.
It is a tribute to the amusingly-named Indian sportsman Semen Patel.

I realise that it doesn't involve creepy noncing, or painfully obvious lies like that one up there, or the one about playing with the ghost of a little girl, or your story about the Nazi gold, or any of the other aforementioned painfully obvious lies; but that doesn't preclude it from being a joke, or being funny.

HTH xx.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:30, closed)

Also: SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:32, closed)

Sorry, how could I forget?
SP
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:32, closed)

SP?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:33, closed)

SP!

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:33, closed)

well according to some internet slang site, "The definition of SP is "Sex Party" or "Spelling" or "Starting Price""

I'm none the wiser.
( quackpipe swings like a pendulum do, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:36, closed)

Also: SP

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:37, closed)

SP...

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:34, closed)

I agree!
It's the funniest thing I've ever, ever seen.

Patels are ringing! And now you tell me there's a Semen Patel? Oh that's just too much. Your humour knows no bounds.

Can we try it with Semen Patel? Let me have a crack...be patient...it's my first time:

'Ding dong merrily on high, Semen Patel is singing.'

How'd I do?
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:37, closed)

You did it noncily, as always.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:38, closed)

From a comedic master such as yourself
I'll take that as a massive fucking compliment!

Please tell me your sig isn't just for Christmas? Will you stick around for the new year too? Just knowing that you're out there, somewhere, singing the Patel song will make me all happy inside.

x
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:41, closed)

Noncily is never a compliment.
And the sig has nothing to do with Xmas, soz bbz.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:47, closed)

Sry...
Got you confused with The Master there. Your sig is your sig. But it don't compare with the 'Patels' sig.

Will he be keeping it after Xmas? Can you ask him for me? I get a bit shy around legends.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:51, closed)

Why not email him and ask?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:53, closed)

Also: SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:55, closed)

SP?

(Reverend Fister "a disciplined fuckwit", Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:03, closed)

SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:09, closed)

SP

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:10, closed)

SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:41, closed)

S

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:42, closed)

P

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:42, closed)

A

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:55, closed)

M

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:56, closed)

you colossal turd.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:54, closed)

You can't harm me now!
Not now I have 'Patels are ringing!' to protect me. It's like a magical cloak that can deflect all of life's ills.

Go on...give it your best shot! Call me a nonce! Call me a turd! You won't penetrate the force-field that is 'Patels are ringing!' Nothing can.

'Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven PATELS are ringing!'

'Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven PATELS are ringing!'
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:16, closed)

you are a massive cockend and should probably kill yourself.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:21, closed)

Albert.
ALBERT.

CAN YOU HEAR ME, ALBERT?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:27, closed)

I don't know...
Maybe because my surname happens to be Patel that I find it so fucking funny!

'Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven PATELS are ringing!'
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:32, closed)

SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:33, closed)

Hang on a minute.
Are you saying your surname ISN'T 'Marshmallow'?
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:34, closed)

Nope.
I had it changed by deed poll. I used to find Patel embarrassing - but that was before I discovered that it could be rhymed with 'bell' to create:

'Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven PATELS are ringing!'
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:36, closed)

Is your whole life just one big lie?

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:37, closed)

Up until now, I fear it may have been.
'Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven PATELS are ringing!'
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:43, closed)

SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:49, closed)

this went very well for you!

( GeordieJay Bummers are deaf, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:55, closed)

That's our Albert!

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:03, closed)

The more you type 'SP' - the more I get to see the 'Patels' line. Do keep it up! There is NOTHING funnier.

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:11, closed)

SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:13, closed)

Bingo!

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:16, closed)

SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:19, closed)

Needs more Night Stalker

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:21, closed)

Needs more 'Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven PATELS are ringing!'

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:26, closed)

No, it needs more serious sex offences.

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:27, closed)

No. Definitely needs more 'Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven PATELS are ringing!'

( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:31, closed)

do you genuinely feel no shame about that whole password hacking stuff?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:33, closed)

Do you genuinely believe everything you read on the internet?
'Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven PATELS are ringing!'
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:35, closed)

Sorry, so are you a creepy sex pest or just a creepy fantasist?

(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:37, closed)

Hmmm
I am what I am
I am my own special creation
So come take a look
Give me the hook or the ovation

I am what I am
I don't want praise, I don't want pity
I bang my own drum
Some think it's noise, I think it's pretty

Your life is a sham
Till you can shout out loud, I am what I am

'In heaven PATELS are ringing!'
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:41, closed)

SP

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:42, closed)

Don't let us stop you from killing yourself.

( Dr. Shambolic je suis charlie, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 18:02, closed)

Of course this is made up
and similar stories have been going around since, well, not the week the lottery started, obviously, but probably from the second draw.

But what I can't work out is why someone would make up a story the result of which is to make him and his friends sound like cruel, heartless pieces of shit. I mean, I can see why someone would say "This morning I saved a blind orphan from being run over by a number 38 bus", but why would they come up with "This morning I pushed a blind orphan under a number 38 bus".

Most odd.
(ubergeekian, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 18:22, closed)

It's because old Albert here is mentally ill.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 19:10, closed)

Click
Blind, pushed under a bus, orphan - magic stuff
(bad_advice QOTW survivor from the first trollocost!, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 6:20, closed)

Haha, brilliant. Depressed people are so fucking boring.

( 4Q just lurking, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 19:48, closed)

100th reply.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Fri 7 Dec 2012, 9:55, closed)