Not the answer I was expecting
A couple of years ago I took a girlfriend to Hanmer Springs (here in NZ) for a weekend. I wasn't sure if the relationship was going anywhere, so I took a speculative punt and asked; "If we get a room with a jacuzzi, will you let me do you up the arse?"

All rather uncharacteristic of me - that approach is really not my style, but I reasoned she might be more likely to indulge me the mucky pleasures in a jacuzzi than all over her Eqyptian cotton sheets

Her reply?

"Yeah OK. (Pause) What's a jacuzzi?"
(J H Christ began in Afrika ka ka ka ka, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 22:05, 1 reply)

Bit sick, but
RIP Patrick Edlinger (15.6.1960 – 16.11.2012). God of free climbing - enjoyed global success popularising this breathtakingly difficult and dangerous sport. You can watch the great man in action here, ascending the Gorge du Verdon in France - no rope, no shoes, no problem.

Cause of death? Fell down the stairs at home.

D'oh.
( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 21:41, 3 replies)

Oft brings a chuckle to myself...
A mate of mine was walking home with his girlfriend one eve when a car slowly drove past. Someone held out a traffic cone and shouted "Don't shag her! She floats like a walrus on Guiness".
( Fadgebadger (1 like), Thu 6 Dec 2012, 20:34, Reply)

We're all in this together.

( 4Q just lurking, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 20:20, 3 replies)

Community notice board
Not sure if this one deserves it's own post.

I pass by a notice-board which occasionally gives me a source of amusement, just a board in a window with business cards and hand-written adverts for things.

Today I saw a card for someone who offers 'intelligent travel advice, massage therapy and baby sitting'. O.0

Even if I wanted to contact this person, I couldn't, the details were presumably on the reverse of the business card. Instead they decided to scrawl "I is smart woman" along the side.
(MrTeapot hasn't played with himself since, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 20:02, 1 reply)

Suicidal Tendancies
Watching a BBC news article about the 'training' of platform staff to prevent people jumping in front of trains, it ended with a piece to camera with the Station Manager saying that"'after talking to her for an hour, she left 'under her own steam'" which for some weird reason made me laugh as I thought that was not the point! There is nobody on the planet who shares my sense of humour apart from my dad... who after being phoned to discuss this simply said "I bet she was chuffed to bits"
(the_icks has the sweet essence of giraffe, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 18:43, 10 replies)

Upon viewing Machine Girl (spoiler alert)
When she's attacked by the ninjas in the machine shop, acquires the multi barrel gun arm prosthesis and shot the face off the ninja, leaving him a bloody grinning skull with pop-eyes. Many rewinds of that scene were done.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=yHyKNKr-7Dk

1 hour 2 minutes in.

And also, the exasperated expression as used in the Blue Jam sketch about lizards in the TV- 'Fucking Nincompoop!'. 2min 25 in but watch the whole thing if you never have before...

www.youtube.com/watch?v=krsj2bcnRlM
( Rotating Wobbly Hat That's not a banana. THIS is a banana., Thu 6 Dec 2012, 18:21, 13 replies)

Max Clifford
How does it feel, Max? Oh dear oh dear oh dear.
(rogerzilla, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 18:03, 1 reply)

Being shouted at from a car
I was returning home from the supermarket, holding two full shopping bags, walking alongside a busy road. A car passed by with the passenger window wound down and the young male inside looked at me and shouted:
'Yeah, you'd better hold those bags, mate!'
Well, presumably it made *him* laugh afterwards...
( The Silent Channel is getting his recommended 5-a-day, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:59, 13 replies)

The current government!
LOL!
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:52, 11 replies)

Sheds.

( Fucking hell Jeff I am not a robot, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:43, 5 replies)

Jamie Oliver just made a sauce and said 'dollop it over your balls' on telly and I dun a laugh.

( janet aylia y'all motherfuckers need jesus, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:40, 14 replies)

'Ding dong merrily on high, in heaven PATELS are ringing!'
OMG! LMFAO! ROFL!
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:18, 67 replies)

Wind Power
This little tale is kind of a follow-up to something that I didn't post from last week's QOTW. However, I do know for certain that laughing really shouldn't be this painful.

It was only a matter of 2 weeks ago when these events occurred but I'm sincerely hoping that I don't get an attack of the crazies in old age that wipes this from my memory...

Working in an office you're always likely to be subjected to those types that you'd hope never to meet in the real world. Unfortunately my most recent desk "buddy" had already started to lose her shine well before moving into the vacant desk directly opposite me. Balls!! This woman was ripe for the picking for last week's QOTW but I guess seeing my scowl while typing up stories about her might have made my day even longer. Happily she's gone home for the day so it's time to type...

(Names changed and all that) Belinda is just a good old fashioned pain in the arse. If there's something to complain about; she'll complain. If there's something of no consequence to talk about; she'll talk. If I've not paid her any attention for 20 mins; she'll make a deal of stretching, forcing her saggy puplets upwards and flashing a bit of belly which is more akin to an uncooked Gregg's sausage roll than anything resembling a human stomach (I'm saying it ain't pretty, right). On this fateful day a couple of weeks ago, Belinda was away from her desk slowly wafting around the office without a care in the world when Diane approached Belinda's desk. I'm quite friendly with Diane who is a slightly worn, middle aged woman with a hint of deafness but apart from that, is a jolly nice lady. Well, so I thought.

After a couple of mins idle chat with Diane, the subject of Belinda came up and we talked of her ability to wind people up with minimal effort. She does this to the point where the office is full of soundless screams, day after day! After taking exception to Belinda's recent behaviour Diane decided that she deserved a little payback of her own and she could do it right now and get away with it. There'd be no need for preparation. Diane glanced at me with a glint in her eye and a certain poise which belied the true devil in her plans and quietly said "What do you think she'll make of this, Band of Rain?" At which point it was too late to answer. In the space of the next 2.5 seconds the following happened:

*Diane squatted above Belinda's desk chair
*Belinda approached her desk (and Diane) from a cheeky blind-spot around the corner
*Belinda let rip with a sound like a lightsaber in reverse
*I sprayed a recently gulped mouthful of scalding hot tea out of my nose across my laptop and half my desk!

Although only 2 weeks ago it seems as though my nose still burns, Belinda is still seething with righteous fury and Diane...well she is still a hero!
(Band of Rain, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:15, 3 replies)

Someone told me their uncle was cremated the other week.
To 'La Bamba'.
youtu.be/Jp6j5HJ-Cok

Says a lot about my sense of humour, or lack thereof. Maybe I'm just a git.
( Bourbon Fox Bourbon is a moron, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 17:12, 2 replies)

By stacking it over the elephant's foot that someone had left at the end of the book shelves as I was hurriedly walking along reading the book I'd found in the university library ...
... and thereby exploding out from between said shelves in a horizontal blur of elbows, knees and hair, yelling "Aaaaiiiieee!", and then faceplanting into the foot of a table leg, I was able to make the two pretty girls walking towards me laugh uproariously.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:51, 2 replies)

After arriving at a restauraunt, the missus and I were being shown to our table of friends.
They were sitting outside, and to get to them we had to go out of a door that immediately led onto a curved wooden bridge, that crossed a shallow pond filled with carp.

What I didn't notice was the small step down onto the bridge. I stumbled, and fell straight into the back of my missus, pushing her headlong into the pond.

I'm not sure how I survived the ensuing laughing fit. I was covered in snot and tears, had a stitch and headache and had turned an interesting shade of purple. Strangely, the missus didn't see the funny side. Good times.
( The Awful Puppy Bakery is still bored, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:37, 2 replies)

That dead cat that some chap turned into a Helicopter.
One of the best things I've seen this year.
(Woodlouse say it with flowers. Send her a Triffid, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:13, 6 replies)

Our drama teacher...
...Must have escaped from a mental hospital. She has sudden mood swings, yells at people then going straight back to calm, and seems to think she's 'hip and cool yeah?' (direct quote from her.)

For the first part of this year, three kids in my class (who won't be named) were dicking about talking, feigning innocence and pissing my teacher off, etc. About 8 weeks later after she had run out the classroom crying 3 times, we decided to just behave.

However, the next week we started dicking about again, and she kept us in at lunch to make us perform our plays (a good 10 mins each btw). However, she left the classroom, and when she came back in, we all clapped to make it look like the group performing (the last group) had finished performing.

She then said "If you cared about drama as much as you care about going to lunch, then you'd be better at it.

I got an afterschool detention for saying "Well I'm gonna use lunch everyday, but I'm sure as hell not gonna use drama everyday!"

_{In hindsight, I probably should've realised she was gonna run out crying again.}
(D.I.pshit solved another case on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:10, 9 replies)

The last time I laughed...
...was in 2004, when Scottish Scott was showing off a brand new rubber-encased Nokia 5140. "Its basically indestructable", he droned. "Should last a life time".
"Give that to me", demanded his friend Joe. He took the phone and smashed the screen as hard as he could against the corner of a table, and it shattered into a thousand pieces.
( browser still relating boring anecdotes into a void on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 16:06, 3 replies)

this is going to make me sound a bit of a cunt
but one thing that makes me laugh is deal or no deal. i rarely watch it, because it's so fucking repetitive.
however, any time i do see it, it tends to be someone with an incredible sob story, saying they need ten grand to pay for their grandma's hip replacement operation or something. they lose the big money but, even after an offer of well over the 10k they said they wanted, they'll say "no deal."
this is where i lose all sympathy for them. they got offered what they wanted, but it's still not enough. greed takes over.
this is why, as their game goes down the shitter and they end up with practically nothing, i can't help but laugh.
cuntish, like i said, but that's just the way it makes me feel.
( Smash Monkey lowering the tone of the whole internet, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:50, 17 replies)

Millionlols
A couple of months back we played an almighty practical joke. Our mate Michael had been having a really rough time of it recently, he’d lost his job, been dumped by his long-term girlfriend and been forced to move back in with his folks. Bit of a shitter all round really.

We’d rallied round, taken him out for drinks, forced him to go clubbing, even set him up on blind dates – but nothing was working, he was a non-stop, perpetual depressive. More thought obviously had to go into his recovery. So we started planning ‘The Joke’.

We thought long and hard about what Mike would want most at this juncture in his life. We couldn’t get his bird back, she’d legged it to Australia – but maybe we could do something about his financial situation.

So one Friday night he reluctantly agreed to be dragged out the house, nothing fancy – just a poker game at Todd’s gaff. Five of us were there and we tried all night to get him laughing, get him drunk and get him back to being the old Mike. But as we expected, he just sat there with a thousand-yard stare, knocking back beers when they came his way. The guy was pretty much catatonic.

At around 11pm, right on cue, I stood up and announced I’d bought everyone a Euromillions ticket and that we should watch the live draw. I handed out the tickets and we all feigned excitement as the Beeb hyped up the draw. Todd proudly upped the volume on his brand-new 40” Sony 3D LED TV and we all swivelled round to watch.

The numbers came up - and one by one we all violently screwed up our tickets and flung them at the TV, crying ‘Waste of money!’ ‘The odds are 50 million to one to win this shit!’ ‘I didn’t even get one fucking number!’

All except Mike that is. He was barely paying attention. ‘Come on Mike,’ I said, ‘check yours so we can get on with the game.’ He glanced at his ticket, glanced at the screen, checked his ticket again and then got up and walked slowly towards the TV until he was just centimetres from the screen. He studied his ticket. He studied the screen, repeating this action several times. And then he fell to his knees.

‘I’ve got five numbers!’ He screamed. ‘I’ve five numbers and a fucking bonus ball!’ He turned to face us. ‘Check it Albert, check I’m not going mad.’ So I took his ticket from his shaking hands, made a show of looking, looking again, looking some more and then yelled, ‘Oh my God, Mike I think you’re right! You’ve won the fucking lottery mate!’

The phrase ‘tears of joy’ is often used but rarely witnessed. Mike actually was crying with joy. Tears streamed down his face as he stuttered: ‘Five numbers and a bonus ball – that’s got to be at least six-figures, at LEAST six-figures!’ He carried on, tears and snot falling down his face. He finally got up and hugged everyone in the room. ‘Thanks Albert, thank you so much – I won’t forget this and I’ll see you right I promise, every single one of you.’

Yes! He was cured! Beaming from ear to ear he bounced round the room, hopping and skipping pausing only to kiss each of us over and over again. And then we told him.

We’d recorded last week’s draw. Set it up on Sky+ and bought the same numbers for Mike’s ticket. And he’d fallen for it. Fallen for it hook, line and sinker. It was perfect. Perfect except for his reaction to the great reveal.

The tears stopped. The grin froze. His face crumpled like he’d had a stroke and he fixed us all in turn with a look that could do more than kill. It was a look that could torture, maim and murder. Having his world opened up to a bright and exciting future – and then having that yanked away from in the space of five minutes was too much for him to bear. He strode purposefully towards the TV and kicked it square in the centre as hard as is humanly possible. And then he ran. Pausing only to swear unintelligibly at us, I’m not sure what he was trying to say but it came out as ‘FUNTS!’

The expensive TV had caved in on itself and the room began to fill with the smell of burnt rubber. Todd’s face was priceless. When the dust had literally settled we began to laugh. Laugh like we’d never laughed before. All except Todd, ‘that wasn’t meant to be part of the plan’ he whimpered whilst trying to pick shards of television off the floor. But in time Todd came around and quick text of ‘FUNTS’ will always get a ‘lol’ in return. Not Mike though. No one’s heard from him in a while.

And now, whenever I’m having a shit time of it, whenever the car won’t start, whenever the job is getting me down and whenever life seems just that little bit too hard – I think of Mike and I think of Todd, and I start to smile and life doesn’t seem so bad after all.

It’s true what they say. Laughter is definitely the best of all medicines.
( Albert Marshmallow is a completely irredeemable cunt, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:10, 101 replies)

Androcles and the Loin
Proudly mounted on a public display board in a primary school. I particularly liked the way the artist has rendered said loin turning to face the camera with a rather shocked "wtf did you just call me?" expression.


( Happy Phantom has been to Hastings, Brighton, and Eastbourne too, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 15:04, 12 replies)

Moose pens make everybody laugh.
GO TEAM MOOSE PENS
( Dr Preference AjcuiVd289, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 14:47, 1 reply)

The other morning my 20-month old daughter was in bed with me and the wife
I thought I heard her fart, so (god only knows why) I thought I should check it out (other parents will understand this). By lifting her bum to my face and sniffing. She got me good, and I just had to laugh at my stupidity. What had I been expecting??
(McChinaman banned, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 14:43, 1 reply)

The recent QOTW questions
It seems to me that the questions are getting simpler every week in an attempt to get more responses and less puns...

What will next weeks question be? "Has anything happened to you recently?"

I miss the good ol' days.
(baldpig pee'd in your pool on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 14:38, 9 replies)

A Stray Dog I Found Few Months Back
So cute etc etc

It was asleep on the couch dreaming as dogs do before it got excited and rolled off the edge.

The confused look will always make me smile.
(Samantha Bricks Better half done a poo on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 14:17, 2 replies)

miranda.

( The Doveston haunted by the memory of his own amnesia, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 14:02, 4 replies)

monkeys

(TheManWithThePlan cussed your mum on, Thu 6 Dec 2012, 13:57, Reply)