People of b3ta, I require your help!
Don't read if you're looking for an amusing story. However, if you want to help mess with my nosy neighbour's head, read on...

I live in the ground floor flat of a block of 6 flats. All of my neighbours are lovely, apart from the nosy old lady who lives on the top floor. The path to and from the flats leads people past our living room window, patio doors and kitchen window. Many, many times I have caught her staring in at me (mostly sat on the sofa eating in front of the TV) and recently a conversation with my landlady has revealed she's a terrible gossip as she has been talking to my landlady about whoever visits our flat. One night I was parking my car in our garage and I saw her staring at me throughout the whole process. In a word, irritating.

So great twisted minds of b3ta, I need a head messing solution!! I've thought about sitting on the sofa naked when she usually walks past, but this isn't really the best idea as I don't want my housemate seeing me naked or the young family who live across the corridor seeing me naked either. I've thought about various signs, but they leave too much evidence if she complains to my landlady. In essence, your mission people, to come up with a plan so ridiculous that if she tells my landlady she's seen it my landlady will just think she's going mad, and so elegant if won't upset any of my other neighbours or housemate.

Any and all ideas welcome, and if I do act on any of them I promise to either gaz you the results or post them in the next suitable QOTW!
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 16:34, 40 replies)

Buy, beg or steal some urine sample cups. Mix up a batch of dilute tea with a little smidge of yellow food colouring.

Just happen to be drinking from one as she looks in.
(Serotonicity was a naughty boy on..., Sat 14 Jan 2012, 16:44, closed)

Hehe, I like it!

(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:41, closed)

Cloudy apple juice mixed with an equal volume of water looks exactly like piss

(IHateSprouts is baking a huge pie shaped like an enormous pie, Sun 15 Jan 2012, 9:52, closed)

If
your wee is cloudy you probably have a urine infection and you should go to the doctor you dirty cocked man.
(Hippo_of_Doom, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 11:36, closed)

Make a point of being really friendly, wave if you see her at the window, etc.
It'll wind her up but she'll be unable to complain about it.
( The Mock TurtIe ™ --- Thinks you are a cunt, on, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 16:51, closed)

I already do this
she always looks really guilty and scurries away. Causes me minor amusement, but then she always does it again. Grr.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:42, closed)

Does she go past at known times?
Get a load of your friends over and line up in rows as if sitting for a class photo, with the people at the back standing going down to the people kneeling at the front, all facing the window.

Then just stare at her, unmoving, as she peers in when she walks by.
( vix0r was not Matthew on, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:01, closed)

I love this one!

(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:42, closed)

Is there any way
you could bring people or objects in where she can see them, but smuggle them out where she can't?
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:14, closed)

I can
Where are you going with this...?
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:42, closed)

Oh, I've got this one!
Never-ending stream of circus performers, all entering your flat.

Eg:
* A large-enough selection of friends who dress up oddly, entering the flat where she can see. (pretend you're having a party or something?)
* As each person arrives, they sneak out, optionally getting changed into something else first.
* They turn up again as a 'new' guest.
* Repeat, as the lady is astounded at the capacity of your flat.

Then get them all to disappear, and just be casually reading a book alone when she inevitably pokes her nose in.

Either that, or in reverse one morning: see how many disheveled 'walk of shame' friends can be seen leaving. ^_^
(MrTrick, Sun 15 Jan 2012, 20:25, closed)

Recruit a female-type person,
make the appropriate costumes, print off the backdrop and pin it to the wall behind the window through which your old lady will be looking, and recreate American Gothic by staring back out of the window at her.

3.bp.blogspot.com/_Usz-ZKJWZO4/TTrf-GA-cPI/AAAAAAAAAAg/fvH3omHvbOE/s1600/ia2-GrantWood-American-Gothic-1930.jpg
(Ellinikos contains a source of phenylalanine, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:33, closed)

Hehe, nice idea
However, I am a female type person so would probably need to recruit a male type person instead :P
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:43, closed)

HOLY SHIT, I HAVE BEEN DEALING WITH THIS ENTIRELY THE WRONG WAY..... I mean, if I had been dealing with this at all.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:51, closed)

So, you're asking us to help you harass an elderly lady?

( Amorous Badger NAKED BEA ARTHUR PHOTOS 4U, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:35, closed)

So your story is:
"I skim-read every qotw answer, misunderstand them and then post a sarcastic comment" ?
( 4Q just lurking, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 21:45, closed)

What we did
There's an old bag at the end of our cul-de-sac who switches off her kitchen lights at night as you drive into the street so she can spy on who's coming in without being seen.

We hired a van to bring some furniture home. Obviously she wouldn't recognise this and we were ready for her. As we drove in her lights went off.

After we parked up, we walked round to the back of the van, turned in unison and waved at her kitchen window.

The blinds shut and then the light came on 5 seconds later.
(Yellow Car is now red, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:44, closed)

I vote this one.
Plus occasional chance (read- organized) random people who wave at her as they walk past.
I wanted to go the paparazzi route, but then I tend to take these things a bit far:-((
( Blind Meach Cautiously optimistic, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 18:44, closed)

Have you tried to get to know her?
maybe she's quite lonely and has very little else to do in life.
( Mrs Sp@m, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:46, closed)

Hay sp@m, how are you doing? We don't talk enough, tell me, what's going on in your life?
lolololoololol
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:50, closed)

alright Gonz!
Hows the new house? all well here ta, Panto in 2 and a half weeks. EEEEK!
( Mrs Sp@m, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:53, closed)

It's Georgous sp@m, absolutly georgous. I never did live in a place so nice before.
Come and chat here about homewear and panto instead: b3ta.com/questions/offtopic/post1499302#answers-post-1499434
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:55, closed)

Oh this is ultimately the problem
She's a widow and I think has few friends or visits from her family, and I do feel sorry for her. However my attempts at being friendly are only welcomed if she wants something. She'll flat out ignore me if she walks past me in the street. It's quite sad really but I don't know what else to do.
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 18:03, closed)

Make a batch of brownies or a nice baked dish (like shepherd's pie or whatever), and tell her you had extra mix and was wondering if she fancies it.
Or if you see her walking in with her shopping, past the window, ask if she wants a hand with her bags.

True story, guys dig girls who look after elderly neighbours, makes them think you wouldn't mind having a cup of tea when their ma' gets in that state.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 18:14, closed)

I assume
she goes shopping during the week when I'm out as I've never seen her with any bags. However, the cake idea is a nice one, thanks :)
(Petite chien is going to do science to it, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 18:16, closed)

No worries =)
When I moved into my place at the begining of the month, I made a note of getting to learn the people across the hall from me by asking if they would let me use their internet connection, and to say 'thanks', I got their kids a big bag of sweets each. It's always handy knowing a few poeple on your block.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 18:23, closed)

do you know ny identical twins?
may be one sitting on the sofa when stareyglarey woman passes and the other to walk around the corner but almost nekkid pulling some trousers up or straightening her skirt/blouse etc that might confuse her.
( fluffybunnykiller Is feasting on the clitoris of life, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 21:21, closed)

Brownies with added massive drugs?

( idonthaveafunnynickname Drink-Aware? Sure. I'm aware I want another drink., Sun 15 Jan 2012, 23:04, closed)

Stick a post-it to the glass door with a tiny written message on it
The note will intrigue her, she'll walk closer, til her nose is almost touching the glass, so that she can read the minutely scrawled words;

"Stop staring at me you withered harridan"
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 17:50, closed)

Net curtains
are a popular choice for many with street-facing windows.
( monster munch person, man, woman... camera... TV?, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 19:34, closed)

Costumes. Costumes and knives.
Animal costumes are cheap, as are fruit costumes.

Walk around near the window sharpening the knives whilst wearing the costume. Or, do you have a Henry vacuum cleaner? Perhaps you could develop a relationship with it?

Just a couple of ideas.
(Chopsey, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 20:00, closed)

Clown costume
Not scary, just daft.
( Amish Information Systems hates misplaced, commas, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 21:59, closed)

Take a photo of her.
Then blow it up and put it on the wall where she can see it. There's a lot of possible paths you can take from there.
Or just keep your curtains closed.
(yourmumonastickwithmintsauce, Sat 14 Jan 2012, 21:08, closed)

This:
www.youtube.com/watch?v=rKhbUjVyKIc
( Tedium Alduce me to interlow myself., Sun 15 Jan 2012, 16:29, closed)

Two thoughts, although both may lead to some difficult explaining for you...

If you have access to or know people who have a load of electronic test equipment - oscilloscopes, power supplies, logic analysers, that sort of thing, set them all up so they look like you are monitoring something or generally up to no good...

Otherwise, if there is a table in a suitable position, (or even a large area of floor) lie things on it so that when covered by a cloth it looks like a body. Try and make it innocent objects for when the police break in! Have some replies prepared like 'Oh yes, I suppose it does look like a body when viewed through the window. Sorry, but from inside I didn't think about that...'
(Slave to Percy, Sun 15 Jan 2012, 18:41, closed)

Employ me
To come over and stand at the foot of the stairs in this costume.

(I'm the one in the middle)
( MatJ LOOK, Sun 15 Jan 2012, 19:49, closed)

Alternatively
Put in a blue-tinted lightbulb, make a pentagram out of candles with a suspicious object in the middle (i.e. a child's doll). Chant and wave while dancing around the pentagram.

Before doing all this, you will have arranged matters so that the curtains can be closed by pulling a string. You will also have recruited a friend to be the string-puller.

When she looks in through the window, "see" her after a few seconds and wave your hand toward the window in an annoyed manner. This is the signal for your friend (hidden out of sight, as is the string mechanism) to pull the string that slams the curtains shut.
( MatJ LOOK, Sun 15 Jan 2012, 19:55, closed)

This one, please.
Ignore the hippies telling you to make friends with her - that's just boring.
( Je suis un vagabond is an unfunny, up your own arse middle class knob, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 16:17, closed)

get NET CURTAINS.
and keep smiling, being politely friendly, and chatting whenever you see her.
(spleenspleenspleen coffeeflavouredsugarcoatednicotine, Mon 16 Jan 2012, 9:23, closed)

I've given this a bit of thought
You need to get some of that film that will turn your window from normal to one-way-mirror. You then need to apply this to just the middle bit of the french windows, so that there is plain glass on either side, with a hidden, mirrored bit in the middle, about, say, two feet wide.

Then, you need a male friend accomplice. Get him to dress exactly the same as you - if he's the same height, I think it will help. He needs to hide behind the mirrored section, then, as your neighbour wanders past, nosing in, you walk past the french windows, but, as 'you' emergerge, you've become a man.

Hopefully, as the middle bit is mirrored, it won't look like a solid obstruction, but more of a gap. Try this out with friends until you can get the timing just right.

Also, film it and put it on YouTube.
(Che Grimsdale Best before:, Tue 17 Jan 2012, 9:57, closed)