crap joke
donald rumsfeld goes to george bush and says
"sir two brazillian soldiers have been killed"

"that's terrible" bush replies,
"remind me, how many is a brazillian?"


/coat
(General Arfarfarnarf He who hesitates, Masturbates!, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 19:36, Reply)

That'll teach me to be a smartarse!
I walked in half way through a conversation between my old boss and my team, and heard him say...'And then he made this groaning noise', to which, thinking he was telling a joke, I loudly volunteered 'Norm! Did he go 'Aaaaaaaarrrrrrgghhhhhhhhh!!!!!''.
Not a titter. So, ever the persistent smartarse, I volunteered in an even louder voice 'Norm! Norm! Did he go 'Aaaaaaaaeeeeeerrrrrruuuugggggghhh' ?'
It was at this point that I was made victim of a 'running crutch hold' by a colleague, and escorted from the room.
Having protested at the misuse of my scrotal area, I was informed by my colleague that my boss, Norm, was recounting the story of how, the night before, his best friend had had a heart attack and died in his living room.

There is never a hole in the ground when you need one.......

Length in proportion to my Superman physique.
(EvilBugger, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 19:34, Reply)

I asked for a knotted hot dog once..
..'cos they sounded rather cool and better than the straight ones..

.. by father (rather confused) walked back to the hot dog stand, stared at the sign for a minute and said "Son, it says try our noted hot dogs"

pah !
( Signify, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 17:23, Reply)

Misunderstanding Prevention
Nearly forgot.

Always remember that not everyone has seen the same films as you. Therefore if, after stuttering for a few seconds trying to get a word out, you substitute whatever you were going to say for the line "I desperately want to make love to a schoolboy!" ala Dumb and Dumber, there is a good chance your significant other may think less of you.

Also subsequent conversation may be stilted.

And they may dump you a few days later.

But at least they didn't ring the police.

Score!
( Gleeballs is mostly made out of chocolate and hate., Wed 12 Oct 2005, 17:19, Reply)

Crappy Translation
I'm from the UK, hubby is Canadian.

When we were first together were having a conversation about what we could get away with wearing to work.

He told me that it was pretty casual - he could wear 'Khaki pants'. In a Canadian accent it sounds like 'Caccy pants'.

I believe the literal translation would be 'beige trousers', but not knowing this at the time I remember wondering if I still wanted to go out with this person....
(Peelmytangerines, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 17:15, Reply)

lecture
nodding off in a minerals lecture at uni, when the phrase 'and this slide shows a lovely example of cleavage' grabs my attention (i'm a teenage boy)

what?!
i sit bolt upright

...turns out cleavage is the technical term for splitting in crystals...


ps first post - bang it goes...
( Cap'n Tallbeard, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 17:10, Reply)

Naked Lunch - The Movie
Any one who has seen it will know exactly what I mean !!!
(suntoucher, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 17:01, Reply)

Two cultures split by a shared language
Yesterday, in a supermarket ni Upstate New York I (a Brit) saw that the cigarettes were kept in these little cupboards with white shelves and thick, white trimmed doors. So I said to my girlfriend (a Canadian living in the US) 'Weird, they keep the fags in the fridge'.

Yes, it's a derogatory term for homosexuals in Britain as well, but over here, it doesn't really mean anything else... I mean, people will quite gladly ask to bum a fag with no innuendo whatsoever in London. Apparently several people were aghast, and probably quite confused at how you'd go about herding the gay community into a fridge anyway. I guess if I'd have been in the South, the idea would have been applauded.
(sabre-tooth monkey, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 16:48, Reply)

Pop culture overload
When the movie "Amistad" came out:

I thought it was another stupid Anne Rice Vampire movie.

*Sad fact*
( setimret likes his metaphors mixed, not stirred, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 16:32, Reply)

Sign of the times
In British Sign Language, rather than having to spell your name you can choose a sign name, something about you which is easy for your friends to remember.
The whole class had to chose and they mostly chose references to their appearance (one person chose the sign mouse even though they were the size of a whale). When it came to my turn the gesture I chose was to circle my head, which I thought would make reference to my abnormally sized head.
My teacher started to laugh her tits off, slowly followed by the whole class except for me, I just went red. When she had calmed down, it became apparent I hadn't chosen the name 'big head' but instead chosen the name 'handsome' and what with my big head I am not overly blessed in that area. I spent the rest of the course breaking out into cold sweats whenever I had to sign.
At the end of the course I failed my exam whilst translating a story about a mother sending her son out to pick up some bread. I misunderstood and translated a story of a boy who went skiing to buy some ciggies and a milkshake.

I had the last laugh though even though I cannot sign, I can hear perfectly well.
(I'M JACK MEADOWS, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 16:31, Reply)

See previous post - Same pub, different girl
"I hear you're heading to University soon?", asked one of the regulars.
"That's right!", she said.
"Very nice", he replied, "What are you taking?"
"Oh, just a couple of suitcases."
( Weetobix, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 15:53, Reply)

Back in my student days
I worked in a pub in the holidays to earn some spending cash. One day a new girl was hired to work there, and although very friendly and pretty you would trust her to sit the right way round on the toilet.
Her first drinks order, the punter asked for half a lager and half a coke. How he smiled as she handed him the one pint glass...
( Weetobix, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 15:51, Reply)

I Ran out of Coke
Work in a garage and take your job away from you? and miss 6 years worth of state funded piss-uppery? Nee Chance!

Although - i am now considerably richer than you

chortle
(TheManofScience, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 15:37, Reply)

A fucking straw!
Going back a few years now - when I was 10 to be precise - my dad took me and my brother on 'the big trip' of our lifetimes. A three week trip around the US. Though initially suffering from an irrational fear of being swallowed up by the ground in a freak earthquake I conquered my dubious fears and decided to go.

So, around we went. Youth hostelling from new york to san francisco to la, all was great. The biggest language barrier was being called 'bubsy' by a suspiciously large number of people.

Then we came to Arizona. In this place British is not cute, British is alien. So, deciding to brave the truckers we went to a big ol' burger joint.

Happily munching away at my cow-on-a-plate I realise I need a straw in order to reach the 3 litres of coke that the waitress just filled my field of vision with. So off I pop to ask someone.

I approach a woman who looks like victim no.1 from a 50s B movie... and so it starts:

Me: Excuse me, do you have a straw, please?
Waitress: A streer? What's a streer, bubsy?
Me: A straw?
Waitress: A strour?
Me: Straw.
Waitress: Stroor?
Me: Straw. A straw. *makes sucking drink action*
Waitress: Oh! A straw! Sure thing, I'll bring one to your table.

So, five minutes later, I see her approaching. Oh good, thinks I, I can finally have some drink. I stare ahead in that awkward way you do when a waitress is approaching from over your shoulder, expecting a hand to reach over and put a straw down next to me.

Nothing.

I keep staring ahead, fully aware that the second I decide to look to my right she'll be there and I'll get a face full of waitress. Eventually I hear clicks from my left. I turn to look and...what the fuck is this? She's setting up a high-chair. A fucking high chair.

Excuse me, I say. I asked for a straw?
Yeah, a high-chair.
No, I'm sorry - a straw.
Yeah, a high-chair.
Ok, thanks! *gives up*

In the end we just finished our meal with an empty high-chair and child's place set at the table. People looked in horror assuming we'd been too busy eating to bother fetching our baby which was by now probably crawling its way across death valley.

I never did get my straw. Or figure out how she managed to get high-chair from straw.
(thisismyclone, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 15:21, Reply)

call center chaos
I work in a call center for a large airline, and for all those people who are complaining about us misunderstanding..... Shut your kids up, put your barking dog outside, swallow your mouthfull of corn flakes, take a piss after the call (yup! for real ), make sure you have more than 2p credit on your mobile. oh! and try to understand that the line can sometimes be bad, and its not always easy to understand you

or i WILL send you to Lagos instead of Las Vegas.
(uptonogood, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 15:16, Reply)

I read grandmasterfluffles' story
and realised I know who she is! Moohaahaaaa!
(The Empress it seems you CAN polish a turd!, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 15:10, Reply)

Oh Lord, please don't let me be misunderstood...
And there was me thinking that using or not using the "I like this" button was how readers showed approval/disapproval of other stories.

What a dim sockmonkey I must be...
(Wascally Weasel now with 100% fewer jokes., Wed 12 Oct 2005, 14:50, Reply)

eBay embarrassment
Only yesterday I was doing a sneaky search on eBay for a 'Front Opening Dollhouse' for my daughter for Xmas.
Typed "Enter" by mistake before typing the dollhouse bit and a whole plethora of weird and wonderful 'front opening' items appeared magically on my screen. Try it....
Cue boss to appear over my shoulder and say 'Ahem'. Perfect.
(Peelmytangerines, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 14:35, Reply)

Going through Customs
I had packed a digital metronome in my hand luggage, which chose that moment to switch itself on and start bleeping at sixty beats per minute. Her Majesty's Customs were not amused. Had I not been carrying a cello, it probably would have been a case of on with the rubber gloves and up the jacksie to find the ten kilos of charlie I had stashed in my small intestine.
(grandmasterfluffles Come to my Armageddon party on, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 14:01, Reply)

Haircut stories - ooh! ooh! I've got one!
Just reminded me of a time about ten years back during student days; a German guy at halls had his brother Ulf stay over for a few weeks, who could barely speak English. He went to the barbers to trim his fine resplendent mullet, which probably wasn't the wisest thing to do given linguistic limitations.

Anyway, he didn't know the words for "stop" or "enough", so just sat there in increasing misery as the barber kept cutting it shorter and shorter, and eventually came back as bald as a coot.

Um, this isn't particularly funny really, is it? Oh well, I've typed it now.
(Ali Bongo 9000 Ali Bongo 9000, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 13:02, Reply)

TheManOfScience
TMOS - I really feel for you. It sounds like you really deserved that place at Uni. I hope it takes 30-40 years to get out of debt. You could work in a garage maybe? Oh the irony - you could've gone to work in a garage straight from school. You are a twat sir. A blemish on society.
( I have run out of coke is a little sweaty, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 12:57, Reply)

spain 1 jockville nil points
we were on hol in majorky 2 years ago and stopped for a beer break one afternoon as you do, well you do if you are me. We stopped at a nice wee bar and i ordered for the loved one and wanted a pint of beer for myself, being a pillock i used the few spanish words i know "grosse beer por favor and a vinto tinto"
v nice barman said "grande" no i dont want brandy, just a gross beer " grande" he replies again, loved one says "grande" and i m wondering why they are trying to get me to drink Brandy is it on special or summit, i never touch the stuff, of course the spanish for large is "grande" yes i know NOW. anyway i crawled under the table where ive been ever since. size it shrank away in embarassment
(montyzuma, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 12:56, Reply)

Haircuts!
Stusuts has just reminded me of the time I went for a haircut whilst living in Germany. I'd only been there a short time and didn't have a great grasp of the language. The woman cut my hair okay but it was all just a bit longer than I wanted it, as if it had been cut to the right length a few weeks earlier, you might say. So I said "Can you cut it all a little bit shorter?"

Now, I'm sure I got the German right: "eine kleine bischen kurtzer" for "a little bit shorter". However, instead of delicately trimming the ends, before I knew what was happening the woman grabbed some clippers and shaved my head. SLAP!

It wouldn't be so bad, but this was in Leipzig, the former Communist state, where skinheads regularly went round kicking people in the street. I REALLY didn't want to look like a skinhead there. I got funny looks on the tram for two weeks. Great.
( Olembe Refuses to write in this space, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 12:30, Reply)

wierdcokechick
It's a good job that you clarified what you mean by the word 'good' because I may have...misunderstood you!

Oh, mercy! This QOTW could go on and on. Sometimes there's so much misunderstanding in the world I feel like I can't take it, like my heart's going to cave in. Wait a minute. That would sound really good in a movie. Perhaps in a scene with a guy watching a video of a plastic bag blowing in the wind. Then a dirty old man could try and shag a child. I'll start writing it this minute. Brilliant!
(stusut79, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 11:55, Reply)

stusut79
dude i'm impressed. cool story.
and btw your stories, though wierd and nonsensical, were creative and i believe you do have talent... should you choose a narrative that makes sense. i look forward to ur future posts... it's ok if they're long as long as they're good!

edit: that's um, good as in the NORMAL definition of good, not like, well your definition, whatever that might be. but then again you did refer to it as pretentious bollocks so perhaps you do know...
(formerly wierdcokechick is now a mom and hasnt touched any '2nd rate charlie' in months., Wed 12 Oct 2005, 11:18, Reply)

Going to Uni...
i THINK this story is more appropriate

I was at college, lecturers were on my back about filling in the UCAS jobbie.. yeah yeah yeah. Choose at random 4 or 5 different Uni's. It was the early 90's - i spent most of it spaz'd off mi face on pills and weed, sporting (for the time!) a trendy pony tail and fancy 'hyper global colour' t-shirt... remember them? people could see when u were sweating! what a great idea!

Anyways... months later.. i get some unconditional offers, one for a Univerisity in the East Midlands. "Computer Systems for Business" - Sounds canny. i'll do it. (bear in mind - NEVER been to the Uni, NEVER read the prospectus, NEVER looked at the course)

Moved out of home, into halls - Day 1. Choosing some subjects, beardy cheap says "What language?" i say "C++" He says "No - French or German?"

BLEM.

Computer System for BUSINESS - they reckon it's a great idea if half your Computers subjects are actually BUSINESS subjects.

Ahh well. 2 years of "This is a dog" doing GCSE French again. i couldn't be arsed to change courses.

fucksocks.
(TheManofScience, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 11:07, Reply)

Sonic/Musical Youth confusion
This should probably have gone in the 'when you realised you were old' qotw, but anyhow...

Some kinda rock n roll pop band or something appeared called sonic youth. Everyone was going 'gosh, have you heard sonic youth, they're top, they're the new spice girls' and stuff.

I was convinced everyone was going on about 'musical youth', of pass the dutchie fame, and wondered if they had got back together for some kinda reunion tour.

Not really me being misunderstood, but drifting off topic seems to be the cool thing to do nowadays.
( Liquid Crystal, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 11:04, Reply)

nice one
nice one stusut79 - made a nice change to your previous posts which although entertaining, were becoming predicatable.

"jimmynudger" - what an awesome word! One day it'll make the Oxford English :)
(inspoken, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 11:03, Reply)

kiwanotree
The only real case I can think of where I have been misunderstood with hilarious consequences is kind of a sore point for me. I was a teenager at the time and didn't find it funny myself, but the other kids at school thought it was great.

I had been trying to grow my hair for quite some time and it was getting pretty long, but, as anyone who has tried to grow their hair will know, there is an intermediate stage where, in order to achieve length, you have to accept that it's going to get pretty big and stupid-looking.

Anyway, I decided I should go and get it thinned out a bit because, although I was pleased with the length, the girth was getting ridiculous. I sat in the chair at the hairdresser's and I told her I wanted to lose some of the volume but keep the length. I thought 'length' referred to the front and sides as well as at the back. Unfortunately for me, the hairdresser seemed to think that the word 'length' only applied to hair at the rear so she ended up cutting it at the front and sides and didn't cut it at the back. I was left with an almighty fucking mullet! That was not cool back in the mid '90s. Unless you were in Germany at the time, in which case you could have got away with almost anything.

I got some serious hassle at school the following week, and that led to me threatening a couple of people who wouldn't stop calling me names and stuff. I decided I couldn't go on like this, so instead of trying to grow the front and sides again to match the back, I just went and got it all chopped off and started afresh. I never went back to the same place to have it cut, though.

Not particularly funny or entertaining, I'm afraid. But it is true. And kind of tragic. Perhaps the trauma I suffered as a result of the episode is deep-rooted and the underlying reason why I now spout such complete and utter bollocks every week.
(stusut79, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 10:09, Reply)

On a visit to New York with a group of friends
After checking into the hotel, unpacking, and getting ready to go out for a night on the town, we realise we don't have any US dollars.

So, on the way out of the hotel we stop by the reception desk and I ask the lady "Could you tell me where the nearest cash machine is please?"

She replies "huh?", so I say it again, thinking she'd not heard me the first time.

Then she replies, "I'm sorry, I don't speak German".

Cue me standing there with a "WTF?" look on my face and all my mates rolling on the floor laughing.

Must have been the british accent that confused her.
(zangengeburt, Wed 12 Oct 2005, 7:33, Reply)