David Bellamy
Thinks I control birds minds by radio signals.
I work for a company that makes silent alarm networks for caravan parks, and it's my job to ring up these parks and see if everything is working fine.
So earlier this year I made my usual call to a park in Wales, the salesman on the other end said everything was fine but they had David Bellamy down there kicking up a fuss because of me. "THE David Bellamy? What watches birds and that? What have I done to him?" I asked "Hold on, I'll put him on" said the salesman. So he did.

"Hello, David Bellamy here. Yes I want you to come here and meet me so we can discuss the distress your alarms are causing the birds in Wales."

"But they're silent alarms."

"Yes I know that, it's the radio frequency y'see? It's affecting their heads and distressing them. I want you to meet me when I'm here again on monday next week."

So slightly starstruck, I agreed and arranged a time and date to meet him. I came back down to earth though when I told the story to my boss and he reminded me that I am a lowly office worker and that what I just told him made no sense. So I took the advice of this week's QOTW and never met him.
I can imagine old Bellers now, sitting in a caravan in a muddy field somewhere in Wales waiting for me, not knowing I would never arrive. Wearing a tin-foil hat to protect him from the deadly radio waves from the alarms and conversing with the sparrows and seagulls. But not the blackbirds, he's a bit like that you know.
(Bellamy's Enemy, Tue 30 May 2006, 14:40, Reply)

celebs wishing they hadnt met me...
i seem to have a habit of hurting celebs.....
was strolling thru town a few yrs ago, when a woman of advancing years came charging out of a shop as i passed - physics being what it is, something had to give, as luck would have it it was her that ended up on her arse in the street. I was terribly apologetic (even though it was a no-fault deal) and helped her up, realising as i did so it was Rula Lenska - she was v nice about it, my biggest worry was that i might have ended up meeting dennis waterman - the man who destroyed all respec i had for him from the Sweeney by agreeing to be in that pile of shite that was Minder....
more recently, is the incident i'm most proud of in a tacky way - waiting at Heathrow for my battered old rucksac on the carousel, and when it arrived i grabbed for it and swung it onto my back, only for it to stop and me to hear an "ooooofff" from behind me. i turned around, offering apologies to the guy who i'd just folded in half with a heavy bag, to realise it was Pearce Brosnan... so any prospective bond villains out there, dont waste time and effort trying to stop 007 with lasers, razor-edged hats etc - just smack him in the plums with a bag, it seems to slow the bugger down.
(micky2shoes has more shoes than feet, Tue 30 May 2006, 14:40, Reply)

God of hellfire
I went to an Arthur Brown gig and met him afterwards but his hat was decidedly not on fire. He said he'd brought the flamey hemet with him, but the health & safety people at the venue wouldn't let him wear it.
(Turangalila, Tue 30 May 2006, 14:29, Reply)

Fruitbat of Carter USM
Fruitbat (or Leslie Carter as he is known these days) is actually a thoroughly lovely chap and I have now met him on several occasions.

However me missus was a rather different story when she first met him...

...now, some of you may remember the fabulous incident at a Smash Hits Poll Winners party where the erstwhile guitarist from Carter USM raced along the stage to rugby tackle a sarky Philip Schofield.

All very amusing indeed. Unless you were a teenage girl with an irrational crush on the Schofield and even more worryingly the ability to hold an irrational grudge for some eleven years...

...I think you can see where this is going...

So, cue me walking up, genuine smile, hand outstrectched about to shake that of my hero; when the other-half comes storming passed, head down, no introductions, no explanations, just slams into the side of poor Fruity, knocking him off his feet and into his girlfreind, who spills both her drink and his pint all over his back.

oh how we laughed. eventually.

Che Pen
(Che Penguin on an iceberg in bolivia, Tue 30 May 2006, 14:28, Reply)

I met pete doherty - not a unique experience, it seems...
he was sitting on the steps outside my uni, playing a banjo and collecting drawings (it was an art uni) in a binbag. I walked right past him, asking "Who's the twat with the banjo??!"

...I had no idea who he was.
( spangolin - the odds are good but the goods are odd, Tue 30 May 2006, 14:22, Reply)

Leo Sayer
I was once making my way through to Covent Garden, where upon I spied the Radio 1 Roadshow was in full effect and blasting away in the middle (remember those?). In my hurry to join the crowd I promptly ran out accross the road and was almost knocked down by a bloody great big Mercedes that had just pulled away from the curb.

The driver wound down his window and gave me a good earful for being such a twat. It was at this time that I noticed that Leo Sayer was sitting in the back staring at me and looking at me as though I was a piece of shite.

I feel honored to have been almost run over by the short, curly-mopped, sqeaky voiced star.

Has anyone else been almost killed by a famous person?
( Hownumbsyabutt numbing things down, Tue 30 May 2006, 14:18, Reply)

"you aint seen me right" bloke
Saw the 'aint seen me right' bloke in a bookshop on Brighton at the very height of the Fast Shows popularity.

Naturally, my friend and I made several obvious gestures of having "spotted" or "seen" him, however he fundementally failed to deliver the line 'you aint seen me right' - either in character or, in fact, at all.

He merely smiled patiently and waited for one of us to say to line to him.

Felt a bit cheated to be honest, what's the point of having a catchphrase if you don't use it, eh?

Che Pen
(Che Penguin on an iceberg in bolivia, Tue 30 May 2006, 14:07, Reply)

Barbara windsor / Bird that was married to midge ure/ thompson twins

Me and Big Al used to clean the then Parmount city night club (windmill theatre) in soho back in the late 80's, at that time sky had just started and they were pushing Derek Jameson (do they mean me?) in his own chat show.
There was Al doing the hoovering and me shifting through peoples personal goods when all we heard was "awiggght darlin's" and there was Babs, fully wigged up, really lovely.

As for Midge Ure's ex - annabel Giles - She loves big cocks and had gay porn all over the place.

Back around 1979, my old man done the scaffolding at a gig at selhurst park - the undertones and the thompson twins. During the day, my brother and i played football with the thompson twins on the field, we were only around 10, so credit for not giving us the big fuck off.
(japper, Tue 30 May 2006, 13:48, Reply)

Rob Newman and Chaz & Dave
I absolutely loved The Mary Whitehouse Experience and years later went to see Rob Newman doing standup at Colchester Arts Centre.

After the gig I went to the bar and was quite surprised to see Mr Newman standing there enjoying a beer. He asked me outright what I thought of the show, I was very surprised that my opinion would mean something to him and he seemed genuinely touched when I replied that I'd enjoyed it. He even bought me a pint for my trouble and we had a brief chat - a thoroughly nice guy.

Bad celebs? Well there's Chaz & Dave, who opened a pub where I was working in 1992. They were polite and amiable, but one of them managed to bring his fucking guitar... Grr!
(Bicycle Repairman "you're also a bit of a wanker", Tue 30 May 2006, 13:39, Reply)

Fat Bob
I once bumped in to Robert Smith in a pub in the West end.

He was fat and eating a massive plate of chips. What more can you ask?
( meccadave, Tue 30 May 2006, 13:34, Reply)

Pete Doherty (again!)
The pasty little skiver gets about, doesn't he? He was very charming when i met at 6am during a lock-in and not remotely disappointing. But not one of my heroes either. On the other hand, Kate Moss is very much one of my heroes (for hero read lesbian crush for the last 15 years) and I was most disappointed that Pete is very ugly and she should have higher standards. I did briefly consider shagging him though, because sleeping with one of her boyfriends would still be very cool in my books. Sorry.
(mookroolz, Tue 30 May 2006, 13:26, Reply)

Simon le Bon
When Astronaut came out, I queued in HMV to meet the original five. John and Roger chatted away to us happily while signing our Sunrise singles, but by the time I got to Simon he was really grumpy and not very friendly at all. It took about 4 days for me to remember what I'd said to him: 'Look out for me in XXXX!'
Yes, I work and live round the corner from him and had accidentally blurted out my stalker credentials... ho hum.

(Mind you, our DHL man delivers packages to Simon & Yasmin quite often and says he's pretty damn grumpy at home too, so maybe he wasn't just freaked out by me!)
(Hermioninny, Tue 30 May 2006, 13:23, Reply)

I met that Rob off b3ta.
He smelt.
(ddbddb, Tue 30 May 2006, 13:21, Reply)

I met Kate Winslett

Then I met Kate Winslett. Then I met Kate Winslett. Then I met Kate Winslett. Then I met Kate Winslett.

It was only then that I admitted I was addicted to heroine.
(apeloverage committed the vile act of onanism on, Tue 30 May 2006, 13:20, Reply)

IGGY POP
In the early 80s he did a signing in the record shop I worked in. Horrid enough - as I'd learned most of those descending to our world of shifting their units were - but he topped this by his treatment of some adoring, 15-year-old female fan. She, trembling with love, told him that his show the previous night was wonderful, fantastic, brilliant and she was so disappointed he'd only played for an hour. Iggy calls over various lickspittle lackeys to confirm that he played more than an hour and then got security to throw out the now-sobbing fan. I'm sure he's much nicer now...
(pobble, Tue 30 May 2006, 13:13, Reply)

met my hero billy sheehan at a steve vai gig
for those of you who dont know who steve vai, and billy sheehan are they are a couple of the most amazing technical musicians around.
vai plays guitar and billy plays bass, i am somewhat over occupied with billy sheehan and waited outside the stage door at nottinghams concert hall to meet him for several hours and did and he signed my sign and we had our photos taken, we didnt meet vai outside the stagedoor.
we went into the concert and steve vai came onstage and introduced each band member saving billy till last, so i stand up and wave my sign in the air turning it round to reveal the message on the back.
vai starts laughing and points into the crowd, he then reads out my sign which happened to read 'i love you billy' on one side and on the other 'make love to me billy' and thus i asked my hero for gay sex infront of a couple thousand people, good times, length girth, appologises
( Sheehan forevermore owes Ttssattsr beer, Tue 30 May 2006, 13:09, Reply)

Bill Oddie Apology
amazing man. quite small though. He was the after dinner speaker at our conference, and was great.

He then mingled, and i spotted him - but not before i had drunk about 2 bottles of wine, and a good few double vodka red bulls.

I stumbled over the where he was sat, happily chatting to one of a few lovely ladies.

All i could manage was a leaning stoop of my 6ft frame, leant right in Chinked his glass and mumbled "Bloody great bloke" before i lurched off.

My lasting vision, is of a very scared Bill oddie trying to get the hell out of dodge before i scared him further.

The only dissapointment was with Bill, unless he fully wanted to have the living shit scared out of him by a drunk, upon which i delivered and some.
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Tue 30 May 2006, 13:02, Reply)

i slept with the girl from hanson
very dissapointing
(fwack bang on it, Tue 30 May 2006, 12:35, Reply)

some snooker bloke
I once met that chappy with the upside down glasses while on holiday in Spain with my folks when I was 11. We were all on the tour to see orange groves and a dog that stood on a goats back.... or was it the Silver Fox? hmm. Possibly Ray Reardon. This isn't very specific is it.
(Soop Don't you hate Perry's wife?, Tue 30 May 2006, 12:23, Reply)

Proffessor Heinz Wolf...
...bought something off me on ebay.
I sent a couple of emails saying how much I enjoyed his tv programmes when I was a kid.

He left positive feedback :)
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 30 May 2006, 12:05, Reply)

Elton John....
....gave me an easter egg when I was 7 years old (he was chairman of the local football club, Watford).
At the time I was grateful, although these days I wonder about the merit of him offering "sweeties to young boys".

Plus my dad went to school with him and told me that "Reggie Dwight" was bullied... a lot. No wonder he's gay.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 30 May 2006, 12:03, Reply)

Prince Naseem Hamed (boxer)
At uni my flatmate was a keen boxing supporter (and had been an amateur boxer in Liverpool). We had a day out at Alton Towers...

... those cable cars never stop moving so you need to be quick to get on before the doors shut.

Doors opened. My flatmate stands mouth open at the sight of some short arsed asian fella and his pasty white bird waiting to get out. Nobody moved and I thought f*ck it, I'm not hanging about and barged some little brown fella out of the way, stepping on his foot in the process, saying "hurry up you plonker" and sat down. Quickly followed by 5 flatmates.

It wasn't until the doors were closed that somebody told me I'd just squashed the foot, insulted and barged the new world featherweight champion boxer. I thought about it for a moment and thought, "yeah, but the little twat didn't get out of the way in time.". No regrets, plus he's in jail now.
(golddust QOTW now revolves around being a cunt, Tue 30 May 2006, 12:00, Reply)

i served
Jenny Powell 3lbs of king edwards when i worked in a grocers years ago.

wanked about it for months afterwards.
(nappy rash, Tue 30 May 2006, 11:51, Reply)

Sondheim
Met Stephen Sondheim, arguably the greatest living composer of musical theatre and definitely the greatest lyricist in that genre ever.

Our conversation was thus.

Me - Thank you.

Him - No, thank you.

Me - No, thank you.

Him - No, thank you.

Then he walked off.

Not so fucking wordy in the flesh, then.....
(aretha, Tue 30 May 2006, 11:33, Reply)

I used to love Gazza. But this made me laugh
He was in the KFC I worked at (1998), he also went to the pub my mate worked at and was rude to him. My mate followed him down the road and battered him. His name was Nick and he was a kickboxer. Made the daily mirror.
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 30 May 2006, 10:51, Reply)

big daddy..

Big Daddy told me and my mate to piss off back in 1985 while we were selecting the most choice of wagon wheels during school dinners. He just wanted the grub the fat fuck.
(japper, Tue 30 May 2006, 10:49, Reply)

When I was about 14, I met Robert Llwellyn
aka Kryten off of Red Dwarf (and nothing else at that time). He had some sweet open-topped Jeep, and a nice lady and some children with him-- presumably having a nice family day out at a the ruins of a Gloustershire monastery that also had a farm shop.

But I was far too shy to go over to talk to him. Despite wearing a Red Dwarf t-shit. Gah!
( drunkenoaf, Tue 30 May 2006, 10:31, Reply)

working in a hotel
i met loads of celebs back when i worked in a hotel, plus a fair few prats. i sorta crashed into Sven once and accidentally looked up the skirt of some 'so solid crews' woman whilst refilling the minibar, but best was when i was taking a room order up and ate lots of the chips and stuck my finger in the choc suace on the pudding only to then hand it all over to Angus Deayton where i promptly asked for his autograph.
(theresonlyme, Tue 30 May 2006, 10:29, Reply)

I met John Lennon once
I didn't think much of him though.
(Mark David Chapman, Tue 30 May 2006, 10:25, Reply)

Oh Oh Oh
I was working as a steward at a Spice Girls concert and in between bunking off for spliffs and booze my friend and I met Prince Naseem Hamed. I was disappointed to see he really did look like a little cunt, and was delighted to find out he acted like one. He was titchy. And now he's inside getting bum-fucked, haha!
( disasterprone "Pyjamas caused the Holocaust", Tue 30 May 2006, 10:20, Reply)