The ladies who...
One of the nicest things that anyone has ever done for me was to have sex with me, so some highlights below that I would like to thank (in no particular order)

The 40 year old French woman who seduced me when I was 23 (taught me a great deal)

The one night stand in Gran Canaria who introduced me all things shaven & the joys of baby oil.

The 26 year old size 10 with a natural 30FF chest for (two) obvious reasons

The married woman who would only have bum sex with me (as that apparently didn’t count as cheating on her husband)

The one who claimed she couldn’t perform oral on me as it was too big (not true but a nice ego boosting way of saying no)

The next door neighbour who regularly visited me for late night “booty calls” for 3 years – regardless of if I had a partner at the time or not

The boss’s PA who regularly used to drag me in to the loos at work for a quickie (that certainly brightened up the working day)

The American girl who I got back to my hotel room within an hour of meeting her - for her general slutishness when I had been in a drought

The nubile 19 year old who used to wake me up with a BJ – what a perfect start to the day!

To those & the others… THANK YOU

Length joke? Too obvious…
(lkjshaglkasjdhglkhjz lkcvl; g;aodh;owih, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 10:50, 42 replies)

And the others
To the three midgets in Cairo - it was like a baby holding an apple. Especially when one of them pulled out an apple!

And the night in Amsterdam. How could I have not realised a vibe was built for two? That really opened my eyes. And made them water.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 10:59, closed)

Thank you so much
Your tedious, self-serving bragging list really put some sunshine in my day.
(massively_optimistic that's terrific!, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 11:01, closed)

Don't forget....
...the post-op transsexual that you had in a hotel room in Didcot. The bed was like a butcher's slab afterwards you told me.
(powervator and NONE SHALL PASS, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 11:01, closed)

Jesus Arsefucking Christ
I just want to punch you in the face until you can never pull another self-satisfied, smug expression again.

I hope you get The Clap.
( Cawl, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 11:10, closed)

Delightful.
What a thunderous cunt you are.
( Nikfuf Eetr Northern Midlander, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 11:13, closed)

The Camel
The still-warm, just-dead camel you shagged at a landfill site in Jordan (you were AMAZING).

The old tramp who bummed you in a bus shelter in Rotherham (he certainly left you with an itchy reminder of that wonderful night).

The leprous, one-eyed dachshund you abducted from your neighbour's garden - she taught you the true meaning of 'dogging'.

Etc etc
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 11:16, closed)

"leprous, one-eyed dachshund"
genius!
( scoshi pretending to diet since, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 11:29, closed)

It's ok
Do people on B3TA actually have sex?

I just thought we were alike in wanking and then crying ourselves to sleep...!
( mister.f is now married, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 11:21, closed)

Not me...
I save time by doing both together.

Makes my girlfriend really guilty when she comes in and catches me though.
(MrOli is ugly, but in the morning you will be sober, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 11:26, closed)

Girlfriend?
She must have cost a bit...
( gareth_alien will be human again at, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 14:07, closed)

Don't blame him.
Some old cunts just need a lot of stimulation.
(Flid James carry on, mongs, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 11:58, closed)

To be honest
You don't have to be that thankful if you pay/imagine them.

Cunt.
(Holy Cremola Foam Batman will be back on, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 12:16, closed)

^^^^
Why are the above peoples so angry?
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 12:37, closed)

Because objectifying women makes me angry.
Maybe that's not quite the right word...
It just comes across that he's bragging.

And that really makes him seem a cunt.
( Cawl, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 12:41, closed)

^^^This
Couldn't have put it better myself.

EDIT: Though Monty has just demonstrated an equally good variant on the theme.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 12:49, closed)

Fair enough. I am answered.
And answered in an erudite and comprehensive manner.
So much so that I shan't imply you ain't getting none ;) (I jest)
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 14:20, closed)

I think
it's the self-aggrandising nature of the original post - this appears to have grated somewhat. The purpose of the text seems to be 'check me out, I shag loads of birds all the time, me'.

No-one likes a braggart.

EDIT: Ah Kaol, we've posted two remixes of the same song, here...
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 12:44, closed)

Yeah...
And if you're gonna brag about women like that, it really brings into question how much respect you've got for 'em...

Haha! Pretty much re-mixed :p
( Cawl, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 12:46, closed)

To be honest
the best thing about this post is Montys use of self-aggrandising. Cheers for that
(Holy Cremola Foam Batman will be back on, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 12:49, closed)

*bows with a flourish*
My vocabulary's a touch archaic sometimes, but eff it yo, I like it that.

*is medieval*
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 13:08, closed)

One might say your grasp of the vernacular
is spectacular.
(Himjim died a little more inside on, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 13:13, closed)

*busts a def freestyle*
WORD.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 13:23, closed)

Same goes you, Mr Monty.
Ta.
(tweebianmonkey Should be known as Widget, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 14:20, closed)

(Halfy By light alone, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 12:57, closed)

...
This reply wins.
( Enzyme is powered by sunlight, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 13:10, closed)

can replies win though?
I've done a ton of "I like this" clicking on replies recently...
( rofl harris, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 13:44, closed)

it wins
a happy smile and a "thankee kindly" from me!

And so do the posts below
(Halfy By light alone, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 13:48, closed)

^ win
Halfy, that is fucking brilliant - tyvm
(b3tamax Mate, you're fat and I'll throw you in the river, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 13:13, closed)

thass very very funny
i hope battered really did shag em all, otherwise his self worth will be dwindling with each subsequent response.....
( bazza van der trance , ooh baby baby, baby baby. Get up on this., Wed 8 Oct 2008, 14:45, closed)

Win
That is all
(Fuckarma was masturbating into your handbag, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 16:27, closed)

'One of the nicest things that anyone has ever done for me was to have sex with me'
I'll fucking say.
( Captain Wow currently being a cunt in Infamous, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 12:59, closed)

........
agrees
(LongTomBadTom Does Makes Says Thinks, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 16:42, closed)

Bastard
You have way too much to brag about.

Are you Colin Farrell by any chance.
( notsosecretagentman, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 12:59, closed)

Ha!
Looks like you wankerd yourself.
( Ring Of Fire A petty, drooling belming butthurt retard., Wed 8 Oct 2008, 13:24, closed)

What a bucket of arse-snot.
I bet you were great. I bet they loved every minute of it.

I bet, if any of them saw this post, they'd think you a complete fuckbandit. And they'd be right.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 13:32, closed)

Its clearly all bollocks
but I for one salute you, Battered.

WAY to piss people off!!
(insomniac girl all my best things are in hock, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 15:09, closed)

It's not so much pissing people off
as frankly piteous.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 15:33, closed)

bawbag

( spimf ™ is whoever you want him to be, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 15:48, closed)

twat
.
( horace wimp needs more than 49 characters to fully express hi, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 16:36, closed)

The anger at the OP
has kind of made me feel sorry for him. Its not like he has raped any children.
(Bam Bam McPenis will change all this when he is fuhrer., Wed 8 Oct 2008, 18:24, closed)

He edited
that bit out shortly after posting. But rest assured, he did.
(Bazongaloid, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 20:55, closed)

True Stories from Fiesta, shirley?
.
( Duke Of Belmsford has got 99 records, but Jay-Z ain't one, Wed 8 Oct 2008, 23:29, closed)