Made my self look like a fascist...
Being a hippy greeny type in my youth, I did loads of volunteer work, which included several months working with the National Trust restoring a river bank and clearing bramble from an ancient woodland. I got loads of great experience and just loved working outside in nature.

When a job came up with my local National Park Service, my CV and application letter hit their desks before the ink on the advert had dried! I was so keen because it truly was the job of a life time.

Sadly I blew the interview due to nerves, I was so nervous in fact that I stumbled over my words and came across as a barely coherent and sulky teenager. The final nail was hammered into my coffin of failure when I got confused with my National bodies and claimed to have done extensive voluntary work with the National Front! The interviewers eyebrows shot up and I was quickly escorted from the room! Their feed back was most interesting...
It was ten years before I could laugh about that one.

TLDR. got interview, lied by accident.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 12 Jun 2015, 12:00, 8 replies)

My bro told me about a job interview he had once...
It went wrong just as he was leaving; shaking his interviewers hand he blurted out "Cheers to meet you!", then in a confusion of embarrassment at having said something so daft, turned on his heel and walked face first into a pillar.
And that was that.
(eViLegion Chief Commissioner of the Scottish Lunacy Board, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 20:18, 4 replies)

More a potential job but then......
In 2001 I had the possibility of moving to Australia with my employer's blessing (and sponsorship - despite me being over the age limit)
I was being interviewed in Australia house when the question 'Have you ever been in prison' came up.
'Is it still compulsory?' wasn't the answer they were looking for apparently.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 15 Jun 2015, 21:43, Reply)

Fresh out of uni and on the dole
I once applied for a job as a farrier

"Have you ever shoed a horse?" I was asked during the interview.

"No but i once told a donkey to fuck off" was my reply swiftly followed by "I'll get me coat".


/gets coat
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 21:56, Reply)

went for a job in ship propeller engineering firm in Wirral
All going well, I had all the qualifications and more (it was for an apprenticeship). I was quite old for an apprentice, I had already lived away from home and had returned to make it easy on my bills so i could pursue a low wage apprenticeship in engineering.

I went for the interview, got on well with everyone i was introduced to, even made a few jokes - everyone laughed.

Until I was 1:1 with the manager who was interviewing me, We had conducted my role, and pay etc. I couldnt have answered the questions better. The job was mine. I was just on my way out after shaking the guys hand when he asked when he was going to meet my mum and dad.

What?

I was actually a dad myself at the time, I was 20.

Why did he want to know about my mum and dad?

It all got a bit awkward at that point, I actually changed my tune and started to argue why he would need to see my parents - given I was already a parent myself.

Something about wanting to make sure i would get to work on time, and I would wake up on time etc.

Two days later i got a letter with a "sorry - you have been unsuccesful" letter in it.
(Dan dan dan They tik urh jerbs!!!, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 15:02, 2 replies)

Bar job as a student
The landlord asked how I'd deal with it if customers took the piss out of me for being a student.

I said I wouldn't be bothered.

He said "Oh yeah? What if I called you a speccy little cunt who's wasting my tax money?"

And then didn't give me the job because I looked too upset, apparently.
(SnowyTheWereRabbit the Leporid from Hell, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 14:46, 3 replies)

I've been for lots of inappropriate jobs and tried to bullshit my way through the interview and failed
*Security manager for a tv production team working in the middle east (didn't have a fucking clue on this one. didn't know what I was thinking in going for it)
*Coastal engineer trying to save the beaches of Palau (pulled out all the stops for this one. even had a mate posing as an ex-boss for the reference. did so much research I actually understood the solutions quite well. got to final interview but was pipped by a coastal engineer, who presumably actually knew what he was talking about)
*BBC iplayer technical project manager. (Was doing well in this one until they asked me a question about AJAX which I'd failed to research and exposed my lack of programmingness and ficticious backstory, which until that point hadn't hindered my career in IT development in the slightest)
*Head of Development for the British Council in Brasil (I only had one gap in my knowledge, and had a mate who was going to vouch for me that I'd worked in this area for years, who had a very senior position(director of multinational). Then the mate died on me before they could get the bullshit reference)
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 16 Jun 2015, 13:03, 3 replies)

In 2004 I had a TEFL certificate (teaching English to foreigners) and was looking for adventure
My only requirement was that the country I move to must be cold; anything over 20 degrees was too much, closer to 0 was good, and long-term sub-zero temps would be ideal. I'd earmarked Iceland, Norway and Finland, but it's incredibly hard to get a job there, especially if you're young and relatively inexperienced.

Which is how I wound up having a phone interview with a company in Russia. They'd fly me out, put me up in my own apartment, and supply me with a 25-hour working week on a 9-month contract. I'd be teaching employees in one company exclusively. I was really keen, especially since the place was in the frozen wastelands, 500km from the nearest airport, in a self-contained city dedicated to this one company. It was exactly what I wanted.

But apparently a teaching cert and a degree in English wasn't quite enough for the job. "Do you heff any expirientz viz da nukular industry?" asked the interviewer. Apparently the one employer in the whole town was a nuclear power station, and they were looking for teachers to work in Chernobyl Mk II. Unfortunately for a 22-year-old whose most exotic working locale was a summer in Margate, the answer was "no", which wasn't really the answer they wanted. I was politely refused the position.

I do wonder if they ever found a nuclear scientist with the right pedagogical training to teach English; it's a bit of a fucking niche career.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 16 Jun 2015, 7:49, 6 replies)

only man to ever not get a job with eventsec
my big mate chris was the only man to ever get refused a job with Eventsec (yellow-shirted concert security N/Ireland). we both went for jobs in it to get a free pass to Oxygen down south, and when at the end of the interview the guy says ; 'have you any questions?' big Chris asks ; 'do you get a gun?'

he never heard back.
(terryhoosh remembers when this was all fields, Mon 15 Jun 2015, 21:30, Reply)

Just out of college
And on the dole. For some reason they got me a job interview at the Foreign and Commonwealth office in London.
They paid my train fare and it was strongly hinted if I didn't go my dole would be stopped.
Had barely gone far from the little yorkshire coastal village I lived then in so it was quite an adventure.
i had absolutely no experience for the job and was was rather overwhelmed by the three men in formal suits behind a huge desk in a huge formal stuffy wood panelled room.
All went averagely ok until they asked me if something I couldn't answer and completely out of the blue I burst into tears.
And that was it, I couldn't stop and sobbed my way awkwardly through the remainder of the interview.
Didn't get the job of course which I was glad about,
But I did have a great day in London and I stole some toilet paper from them because it has 'property of foreign and commonwealth office' stamped on every sheet
(insomniac-surfer oh go on then, just this once, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 15:37, 3 replies)

From an employer
We always had a policy of recruiting junior programmers rather than experienced ones, preferring to give people starting out in the industry a fair go. On the whole, it was a very successful. But we got some badly wrong.

The On Topic one I remember was a really nice lad who interviewed great, was super-convincing on a whole variety of topics, well presented, etc. Three days into the job, the guy training him told me they had reservations as there seemed to be big basic gaps in his knowledge (hadn't heard of ASCII, for example). I sat him down on the Friday morning to see how he thought it was going and, to his enduring credit, he fessed up that he'd blagged the interview, was massively out of his depth and had spoken to his old company and had got his previous job back.

We shook hands and I escorted him off the premises....

You need to find out shit like this in the first 14-days, otherwise you still have to pay the recruitment company their fees. Don't get me started on that jamboree of cunts.
( Linbox has a serious dunk habit, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 13:08, Reply)

Always go through recruitment consultants when looking for a job
they know best and would never lead you astray in the pursuit of making some commission.
( $$ ✅, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:41, 1 reply)

I was third or fourth choice to be a moderator on a moribund forum, but I fucked it up and killed myself in shame after an embarrassing few weeks.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 12:18, Reply)

Technical Acumen
A contract job in the UK turned pear-shaped for me due to a throw-away remark. I was hauled before an HR board to discuss my "racist comments" to a co-worker.

It started when one of the computer admins left and his job was posted on the internal website.

"Windows Admin role?" chirruped a girl who worked near me. "Look at the salary!! That's 4 times what I get paid. I'm going to apply."

I looked at her said:

"A Windows admin role needs a really high degree of technical knowledge - and you have the technical abilities of a chocolate biscuit. You can't even use Outlook"

She laughed - and then went to HR to charge me with racism. She was English/Indian and was about as dark as I get when I stand in front of a light bulb for an hour.


The HR interview was fun. (Aside: Why are almost all HR Harpies female?) Apparently, my crime was the use of the word "chocolate" when I described her technical skills.

"Why did you use that word?" snarls Harpy1 "Was it a reference to her Indian heritage"

"Not at all" I replied. "At the time I was eating my lunch and had chocolate digestive in my hand. I just used it to illustrate a point. The point being that my biscuit had more technical acumen than her"

Anyways. This shit went on for a couple of hours. HR wanting to fire me. My boss and his boss telling them there were being ridiculous and I was needed to finish the project I was on. Then, all was adjourned until the next day so HR could poll the people who who worked with me to see if I was a KKK member.

Late the next day I was told that all complaints were dropped.

Designated Driver - nicknamed Desi, was cap-wearing, pork-dodging, full-bearded member of our Muslim community. I'd just recommended him for promotion.

One of the girls from the support center went mental. She was one of my leper-colony, smoking mates. Indian, very dark skin and a thick accent. I'd had her and her husband over for dinner a few times.

Moral of the story is, if you have to describe someones ability and refer to a biscuit - don't use the word chocolate.

Cheers

TLDR - some bint tried to get me sacked by calling her technical ability as on par with a chocolate biscuit.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 17 Jun 2015, 11:48, 14 replies)

Applying for a job as a developer years back, they sent me a .psd file of a design and asked me to code it up as a DHTML page
apparently the done thing was *not* to find their development server, download the page they'd created for the client, tidy up the code a bit and send it back to them
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Jun 2015, 10:39, 25 replies)

As I was leaving an interview
It had gone well, but there was one question that I still wanted to ask. The interviewers stood up to shake my hand and I felt as if i'd missed my chance. So I got up, put on my coat, walked to the door. Stopped. Turned. And said "Just one more thing"

Y'know like Ironside.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Mon 15 Jun 2015, 20:38, 10 replies)

I have had 5 job interviews in the last month
not got any of them. I'm beginning to think my lucky pirate outfit is not so lucky after all.
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sat 13 Jun 2015, 22:22, 1 reply)

I applied for my dream job recently. Was I keen? Hell yes, I even went so far as to chisel all the things I would do if I got it on a great big slab of stone. Long story short, I didn't get it, and now my brother won't fucking shut up about where I went wrong, the smug bastard :(
( vladimir, Fri 12 Jun 2015, 16:25, 3 replies)

Obligatory unrelated gif


(☞ﾟヮﾟ)☞ Mod approved ✧✧✧
( $$ ✅, Fri 12 Jun 2015, 9:27, 10 replies)

I got the job
3 weeks ago... but now I lost it again. Pity I quit my job for this. I'm not a happy camper today.
(radja, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 15:47, 4 replies)

applications
My brother (salesman and occasional sales manager) has been tasked with narrowing down some piles of applications previously. His very scientific technique was to take half of the letters/cv's and drop them in the bin, thereby weeding out those applicant prone to 'bad luck'
(r0bm867, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 15:36, 22 replies)

recruitment consultants
Fucking hell don't get me started on recruitment consultants. I've had ones where you've been flexible as hell readily agreeing to extensions on a temp job without batting an eyelid for over 9 months only to hear shit all after that dries up....apparently being ultra-reliable means nothing. Or the useless twats who never sent my p45 to the inland revenue as required, which resulted in my tax code being wrong for a year, luckily I got the £1,000 back. Most don't have the courtesy to respond to well-written letters, even though you know most of what they receive is poorly-spelt bollocks.
(r0bm867, Thu 11 Jun 2015, 13:22, 17 replies)