Technical Acumen
A contract job in the UK turned pear-shaped for me due to a throw-away remark. I was hauled before an HR board to discuss my "racist comments" to a co-worker.

It started when one of the computer admins left and his job was posted on the internal website.

"Windows Admin role?" chirruped a girl who worked near me. "Look at the salary!! That's 4 times what I get paid. I'm going to apply."

I looked at her said:

"A Windows admin role needs a really high degree of technical knowledge - and you have the technical abilities of a chocolate biscuit. You can't even use Outlook"

She laughed - and then went to HR to charge me with racism. She was English/Indian and was about as dark as I get when I stand in front of a light bulb for an hour.


The HR interview was fun. (Aside: Why are almost all HR Harpies female?) Apparently, my crime was the use of the word "chocolate" when I described her technical skills.

"Why did you use that word?" snarls Harpy1 "Was it a reference to her Indian heritage"

"Not at all" I replied. "At the time I was eating my lunch and had chocolate digestive in my hand. I just used it to illustrate a point. The point being that my biscuit had more technical acumen than her"

Anyways. This shit went on for a couple of hours. HR wanting to fire me. My boss and his boss telling them there were being ridiculous and I was needed to finish the project I was on. Then, all was adjourned until the next day so HR could poll the people who who worked with me to see if I was a KKK member.

Late the next day I was told that all complaints were dropped.

Designated Driver - nicknamed Desi, was cap-wearing, pork-dodging, full-bearded member of our Muslim community. I'd just recommended him for promotion.

One of the girls from the support center went mental. She was one of my leper-colony, smoking mates. Indian, very dark skin and a thick accent. I'd had her and her husband over for dinner a few times.

Moral of the story is, if you have to describe someones ability and refer to a biscuit - don't use the word chocolate.

Cheers

TLDR - some bint tried to get me sacked by calling her technical ability as on par with a chocolate biscuit.
(dozers, do fuck off ur a nob m8, Wed 17 Jun 2015, 11:48, 14 replies)

I had an interview with British Aerospace
As I sat down, I was offered a cup of tea and the questions began. I reached for the cup and dropped it, spilling it all over the guy's desk. The interview went downhill from there.
( DumbMonkey The penis mightier than the sword, Wed 17 Jun 2015, 11:18, Reply)

Cheers

( $$ ✅, Wed 17 Jun 2015, 11:12, 1 reply)

Not hilarious
I put in for a job as a lab assistant at the Mary Kathleen uranium mine. I got an interview, which went well, but at the end the interviewer Mr. X said I was overqualified for the position. But a chemist they had there might be leaving in a few months and they would contact me if he did.

In the meantime I had temporary work as a lab assistant elsewhere. One Friday after work I found a message to phone Mr.X on the following Monday.

So on the Monday morning I phoned the mine and asked to speak to Mr. X

"Is this some kind of joke you bastard? If it is, it's not funny" was what I got.

I explained the situation. They cooled down a bit.

"He's dead, he was drowned on Saturday"

"Oh Jesus, I'm sorry, I had no idea."

During the weekend there had been an almighty storm at Mary Kathleen and someone had been swept off a bridge and drowned. It was Mr X.

I never heard from them again.
(Codenwarra, Wed 17 Jun 2015, 1:30, 13 replies)

Codemasters
I tried for a job at codemaster many years ago. It looked like an awful place to work. I didn't get the job. I had to draw a car for the animation job I went for. I didn't draw a very good car. Fuckem.
(waxdart hello., Tue 16 Jun 2015, 17:38, 8 replies)

Way back in the primeval swamps of computing -1976
I went for my first job interview as a trainee operator for ICL computers, what was endearingly known as the IBM of UK computing. (a part of fujitsu now.)
Interviewed by a senior op. Sailed through, final wrap, "Is there anything you'd like to ask us?"
"What is the career path from this job to managing director"

Left about 2 minutes later.
(jerrykew He who codes last, codes least, Tue 16 Jun 2015, 15:28, 18 replies)

Bye, McChinaman.

( tangledupinblue hairy badge with moving eyes, Tue 16 Jun 2015, 13:18, 14 replies)

I've been for lots of inappropriate jobs and tried to bullshit my way through the interview and failed
*Security manager for a tv production team working in the middle east (didn't have a fucking clue on this one. didn't know what I was thinking in going for it)
*Coastal engineer trying to save the beaches of Palau (pulled out all the stops for this one. even had a mate posing as an ex-boss for the reference. did so much research I actually understood the solutions quite well. got to final interview but was pipped by a coastal engineer, who presumably actually knew what he was talking about)
*BBC iplayer technical project manager. (Was doing well in this one until they asked me a question about AJAX which I'd failed to research and exposed my lack of programmingness and ficticious backstory, which until that point hadn't hindered my career in IT development in the slightest)
*Head of Development for the British Council in Brasil (I only had one gap in my knowledge, and had a mate who was going to vouch for me that I'd worked in this area for years, who had a very senior position(director of multinational). Then the mate died on me before they could get the bullshit reference)
( cumquat may will not be commenting further on the allegations, Tue 16 Jun 2015, 13:03, 3 replies)

Applying for a job as a developer years back, they sent me a .psd file of a design and asked me to code it up as a DHTML page
apparently the done thing was *not* to find their development server, download the page they'd created for the client, tidy up the code a bit and send it back to them
( emvee cruor deo cruoris, Tue 16 Jun 2015, 10:39, 25 replies)

might cook some gammon tonight
what do you reckon?
( $$ ✅, Tue 16 Jun 2015, 8:28, 14 replies)

In 2004 I had a TEFL certificate (teaching English to foreigners) and was looking for adventure
My only requirement was that the country I move to must be cold; anything over 20 degrees was too much, closer to 0 was good, and long-term sub-zero temps would be ideal. I'd earmarked Iceland, Norway and Finland, but it's incredibly hard to get a job there, especially if you're young and relatively inexperienced.

Which is how I wound up having a phone interview with a company in Russia. They'd fly me out, put me up in my own apartment, and supply me with a 25-hour working week on a 9-month contract. I'd be teaching employees in one company exclusively. I was really keen, especially since the place was in the frozen wastelands, 500km from the nearest airport, in a self-contained city dedicated to this one company. It was exactly what I wanted.

But apparently a teaching cert and a degree in English wasn't quite enough for the job. "Do you heff any expirientz viz da nukular industry?" asked the interviewer. Apparently the one employer in the whole town was a nuclear power station, and they were looking for teachers to work in Chernobyl Mk II. Unfortunately for a 22-year-old whose most exotic working locale was a summer in Margate, the answer was "no", which wasn't really the answer they wanted. I was politely refused the position.

I do wonder if they ever found a nuclear scientist with the right pedagogical training to teach English; it's a bit of a fucking niche career.
( Grrrmachine the indifference engine, Tue 16 Jun 2015, 7:49, 6 replies)

This question is now closed.
( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Tue 16 Jun 2015, 0:59, 1 reply)

More a potential job but then......
In 2001 I had the possibility of moving to Australia with my employer's blessing (and sponsorship - despite me being over the age limit)
I was being interviewed in Australia house when the question 'Have you ever been in prison' came up.
'Is it still compulsory?' wasn't the answer they were looking for apparently.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Mon 15 Jun 2015, 21:43, Reply)

only man to ever not get a job with eventsec
my big mate chris was the only man to ever get refused a job with Eventsec (yellow-shirted concert security N/Ireland). we both went for jobs in it to get a free pass to Oxygen down south, and when at the end of the interview the guy says ; 'have you any questions?' big Chris asks ; 'do you get a gun?'

he never heard back.
(terryhoosh remembers when this was all fields, Mon 15 Jun 2015, 21:30, Reply)

As I was leaving an interview
It had gone well, but there was one question that I still wanted to ask. The interviewers stood up to shake my hand and I felt as if i'd missed my chance. So I got up, put on my coat, walked to the door. Stopped. Turned. And said "Just one more thing"

Y'know like Ironside.
(Roger McGough-Pipe, Mon 15 Jun 2015, 20:38, 10 replies)

I was offered a nice job over a year ago but refused it because, get this, I wasn't sure I'd be able to charge my phone there.
Eventually came to my senses and am now enjoying possibly the most fun a girl can have and be paid for with her clothes on.
(Juan Quar is clinging to her front teeth on, Mon 15 Jun 2015, 17:21, 2 replies)

I had a go at looking after some whining trolling spastics but that got old real quickly.
Bye.
(McChinaman banned, Mon 15 Jun 2015, 14:48, 44 replies)

so is this one done now as well?

( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Mon 15 Jun 2015, 14:28, Reply)

I wanted to apply for a job setting up the athletics track for London 2012
but there were too many hurdles
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sat 13 Jun 2015, 22:24, 2 replies)

I have had 5 job interviews in the last month
not got any of them. I'm beginning to think my lucky pirate outfit is not so lucky after all.
( Reme Philips laid an epic dump on, Sat 13 Jun 2015, 22:22, 1 reply)

It's funny - I was expecting a whole load more stories
from you lot


click to play
( buffet_the_appetite_slayer ٩(●̮̃•)۶ jacked in to the ICE on, Sat 13 Jun 2015, 21:53, 1 reply)

Big tits stole my job
I was working as a field service engineer, fixing PCs. One company I went to regularly was an engineering firm, and I got friendly with the IT manager there. He let it slip they were looking for a network administrator. I said I'd quite fancy that.

He invited me in for an interview. It was a cosy chat. They hadn't advertised externally - it was me and two internal candidates. One had been ruled out, neither had any IT experience. I had seven years' experience, had passed six exams, I was qualified, eager and ready to do it.
He said if it were up to him, he'd give the job to me there and then. But he'd have to run it past a director. It was a formality, the job was virtually mine.

It would mean a massive pay rise and occasional travel to mainland Europe.

They gave the job to a girl who had no experience or qualifications, but she was a stunning beauty. For the next six months, I regularly had to go back to that place and fix PCs for this sex goddess whilst seething with rage.
(Bob the Builder killed Captain Alex, Sat 13 Jun 2015, 17:23, Reply)

Besides the Bank's money, the Bank holds the Title Deeds, and the houses and hotels prior to purchase by the players. The Bank pays salaries and bonuses. It sells and auctions properties and hands out the proper Title Deed cards when purchased by a player, it also sells houses and hotels to the players and loans money when required on mortgages.
The Bank collects all taxes, fines, loans and interest, and the price of all properties which it sells and auctions. The Bank "never goes broke." If the Bank runs out of money, the Banker may issue as much as needed by writing on any ordinary paper.
( spanishfly is so fucking sexy people impersonate him, Sat 13 Jun 2015, 9:41, Reply)

Beaten to it

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 12 Jun 2015, 19:59, Reply)

I applied for my dream job recently. Was I keen? Hell yes, I even went so far as to chisel all the things I would do if I got it on a great big slab of stone. Long story short, I didn't get it, and now my brother won't fucking shut up about where I went wrong, the smug bastard :(
( vladimir, Fri 12 Jun 2015, 16:25, 3 replies)

Made my self look like a fascist...
Being a hippy greeny type in my youth, I did loads of volunteer work, which included several months working with the National Trust restoring a river bank and clearing bramble from an ancient woodland. I got loads of great experience and just loved working outside in nature.

When a job came up with my local National Park Service, my CV and application letter hit their desks before the ink on the advert had dried! I was so keen because it truly was the job of a life time.

Sadly I blew the interview due to nerves, I was so nervous in fact that I stumbled over my words and came across as a barely coherent and sulky teenager. The final nail was hammered into my coffin of failure when I got confused with my National bodies and claimed to have done extensive voluntary work with the National Front! The interviewers eyebrows shot up and I was quickly escorted from the room! Their feed back was most interesting...
It was ten years before I could laugh about that one.

TLDR. got interview, lied by accident.
( Rev. Jayneflakes Buy my book, I need the cash for drugs and hookers, Fri 12 Jun 2015, 12:00, 8 replies)

I went for a porn star job but they laughed at my tiny penis

( drimble he'd been white, he'd been black, Fri 12 Jun 2015, 10:05, 5 replies)