Gargh!!!!
I'm a total total TOTAL cunt.

FUCK.
/bangs head against wall.

I need to keep my fucking mouth shut. FUCK!
(Poppet some assembly required., Sun 1 Mar 2009, 3:06, 19 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Spotify!
Anyone checked out this music playing type thing?
It's pretty ace you know!
(Dangerous Disco Trev Isn't my real name, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 1:19, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm drunk.
How are you?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Sun 1 Mar 2009, 0:35, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I am in the pub.
Just wanted to say hello. How are you fine people today? Its warm and sunny here for the first time in weeks and I am in an awesomely good mood
( Batshitmentalist is sane for once, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 22:15, 20 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

way to go scotland and ireland!!
what a chuffing great afternoon it's been!
woo and yay
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Sat 28 Feb 2009, 19:23, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Laptop/DVD help please
I put XP onto my vista machine a while ago and since then it's refused to play DVDs. I have a hankering to watch some 24 now and cant. Does anyone know how I can get the laptop to recognise dvd's again please?

It also wont burn dvds, but will play cd roms.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Sat 28 Feb 2009, 19:19, 26 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

hey fuckers who are up
have a HSH thread.


(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 28 Feb 2009, 7:59, 85 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

I'm just going to have a quick moan before I man the fuck up.
I went to the doctors today after having been sick since Tuesday - some of you may know already since I've been bitching in hsh.

Turns out - started with a virus and now I have a secondary infection in my chest. Couple this with having not gone to the doc's sooner, and going to school yesterday, I am, effectively, not allowed to work until next weekend.

And my boss is mad at me because I haven't been able to make any of my shifts this week at all and I'm not working tonight. :(

I feel bad for letting him down. :(
(Poppet some assembly required., Sat 28 Feb 2009, 5:01, 5 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Yes I know everyone said it was crap but I just finished watching it anyway.
I am Legend.

Crap but Will Smith looks hot with greying hair.

5 out of 10 because of my raging libido.
( girlinthehole, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 21:47, 6 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Rightyho all you digital arty types
A heartfelt appeal* from Captain Placid.

Could anyone do a belming version of the famous Rolling Stones "Lips" logo? It may eventually become part of the Belmers** posters. I might even put it on my new guitar!

Or you could all tell me to man the fuck up and learn photoshop.

Have fun

CP

*Blatant whingeing scrounge attempt
**Laziest, least talented*** acoustic duo in Christendom.


***OK it's got Pooflake as the talent.


I'm just the eye candy.
(Captain Placid 24/7 ball gags, brownie mix and clown porn, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 16:15, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

We have some codes at work
for various things we'd rather not say over the radio to our customers. 'Comfort break', for example, is code for 'I really need a shit.'

'The birds are flying today' is code for 'It's a lovely sunny day and work is good'. One of our regular customers heard me passing this message from one driver to another, and decided to chip in on two-way with 'No, the pigs are flying today'.

To my fifteen muslim taxi drivers.

Do you have any code words?
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 11:49, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Morning you sexy bunch of sexual sexness.

( wanderlust, Fri 27 Feb 2009, 9:14, 148 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

to put it simply...
i'm self employed (as many of you may already be aware), hard working, dedicated to both my trade and my family. the problem is that as things stand currently i am owed somewhere in the region of £8k and for a second month i cannot afford to pay the mortgage. just what the fuck am i supposed to do? it's only £325 per month but the cash flow is simply fucked right now.

don't know what i'm expecting from my fellow b3tans but right now i'm close to tears for not the 1st time lately :-(

edit: writing that really hurt, i feel like such a failure because it seems like i cannot even provide properly for my family.
( blaireau69 , the Cumbrian Travis Bickle., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 23:27, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Time for a new one I think...

( jim_bob can herd cats., Thu 26 Feb 2009, 21:13, 23 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Too emo?
The only interesting housemate story I can think of involves myself as the housemate, crashing round the house of a girl I bumped into randomly for a month and freaking her out a treat.

Trouble is it involves high levels of clinical insanity, self-pity, catharsis, adolescent sexlessness, crying, lack of inherent humour and general stuff wot the likes of Baldmonkey might not really approve of.

I'm at a loose end tonight and could spend an hour putting the story together but I'm not sure. Too personal maybe.

Worth it?
(raymond "three griddle pans" luxury yacht lovin' the christmas action, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 20:39, 12 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

OMG!
Pooflake was first in last weeks qotw.

He's gonna go apeshit happy mental.


*puckers up*
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:53, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

WHOO FUCKIN HOOOO!!!!!
I made 'Best of' for the 1st time :0)

Congratulations are most welcome and thank you all for your votes.

I love you xoxox
( SpikeyPickle wishes he was mabazaritchie, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:34, 4 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

subtlety? pah
My wife warns people that I can be a bit blunt and may come across a bit tactless. I don't think it's a bad trait personally. Anyway, she said she was glad I wasn't with her on her dinner-hour recently.

A large lady she works with admits to having at least 3 takeaways a week. She's also having a gastric band fitted.

And yet she had the cheek to call my wife lazy because we've just got a dishwasher.

I'd have told her that she's too lazy to put down her kebab, the cheeky cow.
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:14, 14 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

this time of year
I like this time of year. My water bill DD finished before Xmas, I my council tax is spread over 10 months, so I now have £140 a month spare for Feb and Mar. Woo-hoo

Though that may just end up paying for the new rear brake calipers and a front shocker for the car
( sandettie light vessel automatic New Twitter - @bollocksreally, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 13:03, Reply)

What the hell do I do with...
a big strapping 17 year old lad?? I have now found myself in the position of looking after said boy...I say boy, he is 6'3" and built like the proverbial outhouse! Much amusement to be had as he tries to negotiate the very low doors in my little cottage! He is my brother's eldest son, who was living with his mother until recently, when she decided she hated him, and threw him out...Nice
My brother has no room for him in his place, otherwise of course he would have stepped in. So...What do I do with a 17 year old?? I have no clue how to keep him occupied, other than buy him a bus pass and send him off into Cambridge.

Help?
( bentalls In my head, I am a ninja, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:26, 29 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Sometimes I Love My Housemate...
He's just phoned me asking what I want from McDonalds for lunch!

I've decided to mix it up a little, go for a healtier option.
Large Big Mac Meal
Coke
Double Cheeseburger
20 nuggets (shared between two)

What are we all having for lunch today?
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 12:09, 11 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Jumper - an OT post by DiT, aged 28 and three quarters.
Sometimes it seems that I could fill a book with all of the downright idiotic things that I experience on the Tube. If it wasn’t bad enough that I have to spend an hour and a half of each day pressed in to intimate contact with London’s Dark Underbelly, I must also witness the kind of relentless twattery that would make Darwin himself slap the Health and Safety Inspectorate with ‘Origin of the Species’ and yell “Survial of the fittest! Survial! Of! The! Fittest!”

I guess what I’m trying to say is that the London Transport network is a shining example of why natural selection should be positively encouraged when it comes to some elements of the Human Race. But the real bastards, the ones who actually make my blood boil, are the Jumpers. This particular genus of the human species is identified thusly:

1) He (it is most certainly a he) has a ridiculous, floppy haircut, and his name is Rufus Smythe Smythe Smythe Smythe Ponsunbury Featherstone Green.
2) Even though he is has a cut glass English accent, he will claim, at every given opportunity, to be Scottish, giving him the unenviable achievement of being hated by both the Scots and the English all at the same time.
3) He works in ‘The Cidee’. Not London, not even the City.
4) He is an employee of one of the big four banks.
5) He wears a pin stripe suit, and a red power tie. He very likely supports UKIP, but actually votes Conservative because Daddy has for the last 50 years.

But I should come to my point. The Jumper will, when hearing the warning beeps of a Tube door about to close, leap with all of the grace and poise of a Salmon through the snapping jaws of the bear that are the Tube doors. He will push and shove and hold the doors open until he emerges victorious from this most primal of battles. In doing so, he will save himself one minute, and cause yet another group of people to hate him.

But this very morning, my friends, I saw something that made my heart soar. I was descending the steps towards the Northern Line at Bank station when I heard, in the distance, the beeping that signalled I had missed a train. Suddenly, from behind me, a Jumper sprang forth, his floppy hair resplendent in the Tube wind.

“You’ll never make it.” I thought, and watched as he sped away.

As I emerged on to the platform, a wondrous sight beheld my eyes. The Jumper had made it as far as the last door of the train, yet his angle of approach must have been off, as he had not made the leap. Instead, he had thrust forward his laptop bag at the exact moment the doors closed – and it had stuck. He was pulling and straining, yanking and swearing, and yet still the bag would not come free. For some reason, the doors would not open again, and still he heaved. He actually put one foot against the train and gave an almighty wrench, which was accompanied by a terrible ripping noise. A forest of paperwork tumbled from the bag, spilling down the side of the train and on the the tracks below. The driver, with a suitable sense of timing and how these things should be done, opened the doors. Rufus, or whatever his name was, stared dejectedly as the doors closed again, and took a step backwards as the train whipped up wind, paperwork and his hair, and I swear I saw tears forming in the corners of his perfectly moisturised face.

It’s not often you see justice done so comprehensively. What was the last thing you saw that made you think that justice had been fully and righteously served?

Oh, and check out my sig...
( Devil_In_Tights the *real* DiT!, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 11:45, 8 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Riddle me this
why do I have so much 3 Doors Down music on my computer, and hence iPod, when I only like one of their songs?
( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:52, 17 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

No3L's clit thread
I don't have a clit, but I'm pretty interested in them. Share your clit with us.
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:39, 7 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Becky's cock thread
Tell me all about your cock. I don't have one, so must live vicariously through all cock owners.
( fuck shit up the best you never had, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:23, 15 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

this is the "Bert is lovely" thread
Bring feathers and balls of wool for me to play with, please.
(happylittletulip helpless and delicious, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 10:19, 9 replies, latest was 16 years ago)

Miss Blouse's vagina thread.
Only ladies allowed.
( girlinthehole, Thu 26 Feb 2009, 9:58, 41 replies, latest was 16 years ago)