Alright kids
What would everyone, in an ideal world, like under their tree tomorrow?

Personally, Jake Gyllenhaal and a crate of vodka would do me.

Alt: What you drinking?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 18:42, 100 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Alt: Tea, as usual
I really don't care, actually. Money and health and all of the excess body fat stripped from me, thanks.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 18:46, Reply)

Good answer
I want to change mine now.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 18:53, Reply)

Though I wouldn't turn down what you have under your tree.
Maybe gin and J G-L, but you know. Nowt wrong with Jake and as long as it's good vodka.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 18:57, Reply)

J G-L?
*feels stupid*
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:03, Reply)

Joseph Gordon-Levitt
nom nom nom nom
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:09, Reply)

Oh, I can totally get on board with that
I was gonna ask Santa for Ian Somerhalder as well, but I didn't want him to think I was greedy.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:12, Reply)

Not come across him before (no not like that, either)
But yeah totally feeling that. Though if we're talking vampire related actors, I'm calling in Stephen Moyer. And his wife.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:14, Reply)

It's not the vampire thing,
He's in my favourite film (The Rules Of Attraction). Although I wouldn't mind David Boreanez (as Booth in Bones) or Michael Weatherly (NCIS) under my tree either.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:16, Reply)

I don't watch the Vampire Diaries and I kinda got bored with True Blood
but I still appreciate Stephen Moyer. I forget he's English.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:19, Reply)

if we're doing vampires
I call Spike. Yum.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:54, Reply)

He'll always be Tommy from 3rd Rock to me

( djtrialprice, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:19, Reply)

Have you seen 10 Things I Hate About You?
Watching it back to back with Brick is especially hilarious.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:22, Reply)

No, what with it being a girls film

( djtrialprice, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:39, Reply)

Oi, it's fucking amazing.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:47, Reply)

have you seen
the original?

or the original original?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:51, Reply)

The last link broke my computer
But if it's "The Taming of the Shrew" I've seen a production of it. Olivia Styles was the queen of the teen-movie Shakespeare remake. That most niche of genre was also awesome.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:04, Reply)

A little puppy.
Alt: Cider - but not for long, I've been to the pub and I might have to switch to either vodka or brandy soon.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:01, Reply)

Got everything I need and I want for little
but at a push I'll say a little black kitteh. I'm on mega stingy, scroogish measures of vodka and ginger beer .... Only allowed another two as I'm at work in the morning.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:14, Reply)

Are you a priest?
*Can think of no other reason why anyone would need to be working on Christmas day, and your login name screams 'abuses altar boys'*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:15, Reply)

Heh heh.
Prison Officer I'm afraid. I only abuse the altar boys in a non professional capacity.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:17, Reply)

I trust you'll be winding up any nonce inmates by reminding them just how happy
kids get on Christmas say and how excited they'll all be in the morning.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:21, Reply)

We don't get 'em Jeff
Which is nice!
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:25, Reply)

Do the nonces get housed in a secure soft-play centre?
That'll wind them right up.

'There you go lads, knock yourself out in the ball pit, but HA! there won't be any little kiddies in here for you to molest'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:40, Reply)

By no means
Each establishment has it's own acceptance criteria for serving prisoners and ours means that we don't get them. Or at least when we do it's a pre conviction and they're in for something else like robbery.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:51, Reply)

Does that make your prision quite popular in the brochure?
'This prison has been a nonce free zone since 1977'

A bit like how those Sandals holday resorts being kid free, you can advertise yourself as an 'Adult friendly rest home for the criminally challenged'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:55, Reply)

Ha!
We're as popular as a Royal Roller in a student demo. As I say we get the occassional one so we'd fail the Sandal's guide ...... "Two stars, there was an incident where a convicted sex offender scaled the wall and ran around on top of the jail. Fiddler on the roof!"
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:04, Reply)

hahaha
'If I were a rich man! I'd do my noncing overseas as a sex-tourist ba-da-da-da-da-da-da-da-da!'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:10, Reply)

Ha! *click*

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:10, Reply)

so you're a christmas screw(ge) then?

( djtrialprice, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:21, Reply)

*golf clap*

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:22, Reply)

Groan
Very good.
(SpunkyMcSpunkbubble Diddled your nubbin on, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:30, Reply)

thanks
I'm here all week
( djtrialprice, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:38, Reply)

oooh, we've got one of those in the family
my brother in law was a prison guvnor for years and years and years. After he retired, him and his wife took a cruise on a big posh boat, where he told everyone he'd spent the last thirty years in prison.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:59, Reply)

Don't have a tree
Get it right up yez!
( djtrialprice, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:14, Reply)

apart from that one just to the left of my name

( djtrialprice, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:15, Reply)

I only have an 8 inch high one I stole from me ma.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:17, Reply)

you're still talking about trees right?

( djtrialprice, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:22, Reply)

Ha, yes.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:35, Reply)

I pretty much have everything I need or want
but any gadget or game, comedy DVD, etc is usually well received.

I got my presents a bit early this year - a shiny new android phone, a lovely big office chair, an external harddrive & some DS games. Anything else is just glee.

Alt: diet pepsi at the moment, but I'm contemplating a bit of soco & lemonade or something...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:49, Reply)

Ooh
I got an Android phone and I am hoping for an external hard drive and an office chair.

*Eyes suspiciously*

Have you been intercepting my presents?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:50, Reply)

*shifts guiltily in shiny new chair*




no.....







......
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:56, Reply)

I hope not
I'll be well sad if you have.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:08, Reply)

A scenes of crime officer and lemonade?
Weirdo.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:51, Reply)

you're one to talk
rapey bastard.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:55, Reply)

What has you drinking a scenes of crime officer and lemonade
got to do with me being called a rapey bastard?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:57, Reply)

if you don't know, I'm not going to tell you
/girl answer
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:00, Reply)

That answer is up there with the stock answer to the question
'What's wrong?' (When there is clearly something the matter)

Women: 'Nothing'
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:11, Reply)

Catface in his glittery thong.
Or world peace.

Alt: two bottles of Moët and a bottle of Heidsieck.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:52, Reply)

If someone could order you world peace in a glittery thong would you take it?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 19:58, Reply)

In a heartbeat, Jeff. In a heartbeat.

( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:37, Reply)

Nick-Berry-Period-Crime-Drama-Fail.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:55, Reply)

I've never warn a thong before, but do you get skidmarks on them?
I imagine you would 'cus they go right up the crack.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:45, Reply)

I guess so. I'm not a thongwearer myself, it must be said.
Butt floss.
( crackhouseceilidhband Fuck off back to Mumsnet, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 22:46, Reply)

Ohhh God. Oh God Oh God Oh God.
I need to change my answer. I want a new housemate for christmas. Mine has just set off to his parents for a few days. I've just been to my room to get changed, only to find that he has left me a lovely card and present on my bed. Right next to the items of a somewhat personal nature which I didn't put away this morning. :/
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:05, Reply)

...whoops.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:07, Reply)

WHY WOULD HE DO THAT?
We have several other rooms in the house for him to leave me a present. There's a small tree in the living room for fuck's sake. I'm going to change the locks before he gets back.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:09, Reply)

He was probably
Just being nice, and wanted to be sure you found the presents before Christmas morning.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:13, Reply)

I'm very private about my stuff and my room
But love, you should put them away :P
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:14, Reply)

It's my bedroom!
If he wanted me to find them, he could have left them on the stairs, or in front of my door, or ANYWHERE ELSE IN THE BLOODY HOUSE. Gah.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:16, Reply)

Well, life's a dick.

( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:19, Reply)

Personal nature?
A treasured family photo? Maybe a bit of jewellery from your chistening?

*That's me out of ideas*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:13, Reply)

Maybe it was her DIARY
open at the page with said flatmate's name written in sparkly pink surrounded by hearts.
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:15, Reply)

You've rumbled me.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:17, Reply)

*lols*
but seriously, I know your pain. With me it was my mother, which wasn't too bad. it was when she told my dad, who then mentions it every time I talk to him.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:17, Reply)

At least he left me something to numb the pain with.
The present was a nice bottle of wine.

*downs in one*
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:18, Reply)

What were they?

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:31, Reply)

well, there was just the one
but that was really enough...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:46, Reply)

You mean a sexy thing?
Or feminine hygiene? The former is too bad to contemplate...
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:55, Reply)

no, it was a sexy thing
*shames*
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:56, Reply)

^ this

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:57, Reply)

Well done on not murdering your parents after that

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 21:01, Reply)

Skiddy pants?
Gutted
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:23, Reply)

probably went for a cheeky scratch n' sniff

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:31, Reply)

The christmas themed menstrual edition

( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:32, Reply)

Or 'the festive period'
As it's also known.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:36, Reply)

I feel ill now
Time to call it a day and fuck some shit up down the boozer
Happy Winterval b3ta xxx
( Light In Chains maker of the ikea sofa, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:39, Reply)

you too Rory

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:41, Reply)

festive yule drool

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:38, Reply)

Can I have a new spine please Santa?
I'd settle for extra strength painkillers or booze. Or both.
( Hdjejjwsjdjjf LOOK, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:12, Reply)

I'll go for new innards
and I am drinking Cold and Flu Relief lemon drink for the paracetamol.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:18, Reply)

Still got a dicky tummy?

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:23, Reply)

Yup
I was hoping to see some improvement as the day wore on, but... not really.
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:32, Reply)

Sucks :/
Reckon it's a viral thing or food poisoning?
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:33, Reply)

I'm reasonably confident I combined some out of date food with too much booze
on Wednesday. I felt like crap on Thursday but thought it was just a hangover, but then it got worse. :(
( The Light in Chains don't touch the Pope's boner, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:55, Reply)

I am full of chinese food.
Me and mum are wearing festive jarmers. What is not boss about this shit?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:23, Reply)

depends
are you both sitting in really great seats? That would be super boss.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:28, Reply)

We are lounging either end of the Big Sofa.
Best seats in the house
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:30, Reply)

either end of the sofa
so it's not a squeeze?
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:36, Reply)

A little, Phil, a little...

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:38, Reply)

was it our present that Tigger got into?
or should I say, Biscuit's present...
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:47, Reply)

Nope!
It was a posh mouse on a string.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:52, Reply)

It was a posh mouse on a string.
*Reads, it was a tampon*
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:53, Reply)

Nope.
Posh mouse. Monocle. Top hat.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:59, Reply)

your tampons have top hats?
now that is posh.
( b3th Not shit. Not mod., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 21:00, Reply)

My condoms are made by silkworms as well

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 21:31, Reply)

Right guys
I'm off to work. Worst shift of the year to be a barmaid. Wish me luck, and I'll probably see you on the other side.

Here's an amazing little christmas cover to get you all in the mood:

www.youtube.com/watch?v=oUOcNuCsLa0
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:49, Reply)

From one barmaid to another
May the force be with you!
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:53, Reply)

Isn't that a bank holiday weekend, and an equally difficult shift?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:54, Reply)

We're dead or closed bank holidays

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:57, Reply)

Ta love
*sends barmaid-ly love over the interweb*
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Fri 24 Dec 2010, 20:56, Reply)