this is not "giving up"
this is carrying on.

but the other thread was a bit far over to the right, so it's acceptable behaviour. needs a question. er...........

most off-putting thing anyone has said or could say to you in bed? GO!


edit - this is most entertaining, i am impressed with myself and you all. but can you clarify whether it's a "has" or "could" as this would entertain me EVEN MORE. muchas gracias chicos xx
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:30, 17 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Son.
EDIT: That's a 'could say' answer, just to be clear.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:31, Reply)

Haha!

( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:33, Reply)

It's not you, it's me. (has happened)
Oh and one from the past......I think we should split up. (has happened)
( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:32, Reply)

"If anyone found out about this I would just die"

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:32, Reply)

"Slap me in the face"
"No, HARDER!"
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:33, Reply)

Has: "My boyfriend is a really amazing guy, I think you'd like him if you met him..."
And for a hypothetical one:
"We should say grace first."
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:33, Reply)

Gay men can be so cruel to other gay men

(Bazongaloid, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)

Bastards to a man
Last time I bum Darth, that's for sure...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:37, Reply)

Don't flatter yourself sweetheart

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

Liar

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:40, Reply)

Don't be alarmed if it falls off.

( girlinthehole, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)

my friend told her boyfriend to be a bit more vocal in bed
he actually stopped mid-bone to say "i'm a tigerrrrr. grrrrrrrr."

they are no longer together.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:36, Reply)

Your friend dated maxi?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:37, Reply)

someone had to

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

No they did not

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:40, Reply)

All of these things seem to happen to your 'friends' but never you.

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:37, Reply)

this one really was my friend amy
he also announced tearfully one evening that there was a huge amount of incest in his family as his grandfather used to rape his own daughters. niiiiice.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

And that's why he had 6 fingers on each hand?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:40, Reply)

This was the same feller?
In which case I think you mis-spelt "grrrreat!"
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:41, Reply)

Was his surname 'West'?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:41, Reply)

www.youtube.com/watch?v=PTuVY1pYtjY
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:43, Reply)

Shortly afterwards:
"I am going downstairs to play FIFA and pretend this never happened"
"You can still be really pretty, even though you're fat now"
( Lampito rise with the moon, go to bed with the sun, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:38, Reply)

FUCKING HELL
i hope that one's a hypo.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

Cunt.

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:40, Reply)

what you think she's not having a hard enough time without calling her names?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:42, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:43, Reply)

What team did he play as?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:42, Reply)

Arsehole
(Arsenal)
(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:45, Reply)

These are terrible :(

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:44, Reply)

I want to kill these men.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

Yeah, let's get them!
*grabs fire axe*
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:55, Reply)

Haha, oh man, that's classic, I gotta remember that one for next time.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:03, Reply)

hypothetical
Mm just like mother
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

A mate of mine once said the name of his housemate
He says he didn't moan it, nor was it in the heat of passion. His brain simply decided he was going to say "Doug" at that moment, before creasing up laughing.

The most offputting thing said to me in bed was "Who is with you in there, Alexandra?" (I wasn't supposed to be there, so so hard not to laugh).
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:39, Reply)

You weren't supposed to be 'in there'
Because she was only 12.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:41, Reply)

I wasn't supposed to be 'in there'
But I simply slipped, and once it was in there, she couldn't really argue.
( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:44, Reply)

When in Rome
in
e +an Polanski
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:45, Reply)

Haha

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:47, Reply)

I've been lucky so far
Probably the worst has been "Not there!", which is always a bit disappointing.

The worst would be "Have you got protection? Because I'm from Derby"
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:41, Reply)

eeeeeeeow
i was watching "fat families" last night (my american flatmate finds my obsession with programmes about the morbidly obese to be a bit upsetting, i keep explaining they make me feel attractive) and they were from derby.

my ex shagged a girl from derby (whilst we were still together, but anyway). afterwards she said to him "when did you last have sex?" "oh, a couple of months ago," he lied. "what about you?"

"friday night," she said. charming.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:45, Reply)

Sheep are very accomodating
I hope you had him hosed, disinfected and sterlised before touching him again
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:50, Reply)

i only found out weeks later because his secretary
rang me having seen his emails... :(
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:53, Reply)

Oooooooooh that sucks
Out of respect for you, I'm putting aside my instinctive horror that you might have Caught Derby in favour of sympathy that you had such a bellend of an ex
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:56, Reply)

weeks later?
She doesn't sound like a very efficient secretary.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

Could: describing the mating habits of various insects, including the praying mantis

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:45, Reply)

A couple that I've heard of but not endured:
A mate claims to have twice accidentally negotiated his way out of sex by realising Pokemon was on TV and turning it on. Imagine that "mmm... oh yeah... oooh... shit! What time is it? Where's the remote?"

Also, and this one may well be bollocks, a female friend claims she was having sex doggy style with her boyfriend and told him "I want to be able to see your face while we make love", so he got his driving licence out and held it in front of her face.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:46, Reply)

Whether or not the latter is true
It is very, very funny.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:47, Reply)

I know
I was actually considering using it as a QOTW response but I've made a vague promise to myself to only tell stories that actually happened to me from now on. I don't want to turn into SpankyHanky
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:54, Reply)

It's the sort of story that puts you on very thin ice, it's true
Although to really go down that route, you'd have to start embellishing it with details about having sex with a girl while her dad had turned his back for a few seconds to see what the weather was doing.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:02, Reply)

The funny thing is that when I started trawling the old QOTW posts, before I found OT
I thought Spanky was really funny. Upon further reading it became apparent just how much absolute bullshit was incorporated
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:12, Reply)

I thought they began quite well. Some of the early ones, I thought, were genuinely funny.
But after a few weeks the same old formula became progressively more tired and obvious.
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:15, Reply)

I think my "I'm not gay, really" shtick probably fits that description too
Not least since you pioneered it before I even rocked up
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:17, Reply)

Oh don't worry, we've got something even better to replace that now...

(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:18, Reply)

I don't mind that one as much
Not least because the story ends with me two and a half grand better off
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:24, Reply)

Also, it's already been done on there

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:13, Reply)

Doffy style?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:47, Reply)

i'm bound to call it this the next time i have it
which might cause some confusion
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

Either that, or Doofy Style?

( Agnostic Antichrist Baltimora, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:52, Reply)

Now corrected
Please do this anyway. I'd find it very entertaining. Cos obviously you'd tell me.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:53, Reply)

It's when the gentleman doffs his cap at the end.

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

ha ha ha

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

that last one has been right around the houses as a story
course, that doesn't mean it didn't happen. It's up there with the whole "rodeo" thing.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:50, Reply)

the thing is
it might start off as an urban legend, doesn't mean someone hasn't subsequently copied it.

weirdly my /qotw story which got the most doubters honest-to-god 200% happened (and how i wish it hadn't) when a girl from my year called me and pretended to be from kfc, making me cluck as many times as i could in a minute... it might be an old joke/urban myth, but she heard it and decided to try it out, and i was gullible enough to fall for it! and i fucking hate chicken.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:53, Reply)

has happened?
"I'm really sorry, god wouldn't like it"
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:48, Reply)

WHAT?!

( rachelswipe with a fork, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:49, Reply)

Girl I was seeing about 15 years ago
was a born again christian. Happy with anything that wasn't actual penetration. Strange lass.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

I found the retort of
"Well, God should stop watching us through the window then, shouldn't he?"
Never went down particularly well...
(LongJohnBaldry, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:53, Reply)

I found splitting up with her almost immediately afterwards pretty effective.
No problem with religion. Major problem with mentalists.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:55, Reply)

Choir boys eh?

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:49, Reply)

I set 'em up, chompy...

( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:51, Reply)

You set up choirboys?
I imagine you must be on excellent terms with the Pope
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:52, Reply)

taught him everything he knows.
except for the Nazi stuff, obviously that was Monty.
( the mighty badger Aphrodite, on a bar stool, by your side, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Someone needs to point out to the CIA
that if you have religious fervour behind you, elaborate cover-ups aren't necessary.

You may be the man for the job
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:58, Reply)

and I rape them

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:54, Reply)

Liking this so it shows up on popular

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:56, Reply)

I'm very witty.

(PsychoChomp, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:56, Reply)

Posting "Chompy's a cunt" under you so it shows up on the subthread.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:57, Reply)

"Is that it?"
"Yes, sorry. I can't help it if you happen to be the sexiest thing I've ever seen, and after two hours of kissing, frotting and foreplay I got a touch over-excited," is what I'd say now.

What I said then? *whimper* *life fail* *ten years of believing I was shit in bed*
( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:55, Reply)

I can't say the worst thing. I think I've only told one person. It makes me go red for him.

I pity the girl he ends up with though.
He has a small penis and doesn't know what foreplay is.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 15:57, Reply)

HELLO MY NAME IS MARTIN, I AM 32 FROM CRICKLEWOOD. I AM A TELECOMUNICATIONS ANALYST.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:04, Reply)

I hate to say it Darth, but I'm finding this funnier every time he posts it.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:05, Reply)

Even I'm regretting my original assertion that it had no legs
What's worrying is that Gonz has branched out into towns not beginning with N, or that sound anything like Norwich. If he's doing the whole map the meme may outlive me
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:19, Reply)

That's what's making me cackle, the place names.

( Noeli overtheshoulderboulderholderthingstraplatchboobs, Wed 9 Feb 2011, 16:39, Reply)