Where's Jeff?
I've found him a lady

Alt: What don't you want your neighbours to know?
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:28, 117 replies, latest was 15 years ago)

Hahahaha

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:29, Reply)

Nan!

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:33, Reply)

I should have known!
I don't like how they're referring to her as a 'gran'. I know she is one, but it implies she's maybe a bit doddery and deranged. The mad bint is only 42.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Isn't 42 old for being a grandparent in your part of the world?

( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:37, Reply)

She did leave it a bit late, aye.
But it took her 15 years to try sex with a human.
She'd originally wanted a litter of Dobermans.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:39, Reply)

that's true. Look at the puppies on her
/feels ill
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:39, Reply)

Alt A
Where the bodies are buried
( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:35, Reply)

Hahah
"I am satisfied you now realise this sort of behaviour is wholly and totally unacceptable."

Yeah, it was just a matter of explaining to her that fucking your dog is bad, the poor woman had no idea.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:37, Reply)

No idea at all.
One of my workmates lives not too far. I can't wait to find out if she knows the Dogfucking Grandmother.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:38, Reply)

Not what I don't want them to know, but what I do want them to know.
I can hear the young lady having sex, and it is a bit off putting when I'm trying to have a wank on my own thank you very much.
( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:37, Reply)

Live and let live.
I hear some bloke making the strangest noises next door, but to deny him those noises might make his life sad and empty.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:40, Reply)

All 'beatboxers' have to practice sometimes.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:50, Reply)

he sounds like an irritable camel

( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:51, Reply)

or in honour of the question
beat +fuckers
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:54, Reply)

I saw some guy "flute-boxing" on youtube.
He was really rather good.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:54, Reply)

I've seen some of that
It was brilliant. I'm not talking about the 'One time at bandcamp' meaning of flute-boxing either, though that's also entertaining to watch.
( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:03, Reply)

Especially that Thai chick who can play it at the same time.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:09, Reply)

I love how she plays Aqualung while stood on one leg.

( Labia Majora You keep on talking but it makes no sense at all, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Have you seen her sister play the bassoon?

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:18, Reply)

have you seen the one where the guy does Axel F and then the Inspector Gadget theme?

( Vipros. clever got me this far, then tricky got me in, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:18, Reply)

Not sure, he did an excellent Knight Rider though.
I was linked to him after he appeared during an Asian Dub Foundation gig one of my friends was at.
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:23, Reply)

Alt: I don't want anyone to know, including you lot
so you'll just have to guess: or ignore this pointless reply, as you see fit.
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:40, Reply)

I donno, but I love this quote in a book I've started reading
"You can't smell a hug. You can't hear a cuddle. But if you could, I reckon it would smell and sound of warm bread-and-butter pudding".
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:41, Reply)

I reckon it would smell like a musky arsehole.

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:42, Reply)

Haha!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:44, Reply)

Best of all the smells.
Also, what the fuck does bread-and-butter pudding sound like?
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:44, Reply)

sloppy crunch

(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:45, Reply)

soupy twist

( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:46, Reply)

'Shut up Hugh'

( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:47, Reply)

'Button it, Hugh, there's a dear'


'sorry'
( Monty Boyce, My cheese game is strong, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:48, Reply)

Great signoff
that one also reminds me of www.youtube.com/watch?v=lccMNQxCmOc

'he brought a certain quality to all his roles... a quality of needing the money'
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:52, Reply)

Worst of all the breakfast cereals.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:47, Reply)

like a fat person hitting the ground from a great height

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:50, Reply)

similarly frustration
looks like short thighs
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:45, Reply)

Yeh', great, now everyone is thinking of Lusty in a compromising position with your long sweaty skanky hippy-hair lapping it up like a dog drinking out of it's bowl.

( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:54, Reply)

I'm just going to nip to the gents for a minute...

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Nigella is so filthy.

( Bartleby A dead man on vacation, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:43, Reply)

Woh', it was a quote from Nigel Slater.
Very close.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:44, Reply)

My neighbours are the police
But I'm lovely and sweet and innocent. To keep them busy though I gave them Monty's address
( TGB checking Off Topic is still shit at, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:52, Reply)

My neighbours are my landlords.
When I used to go out on the razzle, I'd often find it a better option to go and stay at my parents' house than risk being seen looking like a drunken lush.
The landlady was shocked enough when she heard me say 'chippy' and 'offy' for the first time.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:59, Reply)

even though it's a victorian flat and the walls are very thick and the ceilings very high
i still worry that they know a lot more about my sexlife than they should, as they are selfishly not all deaf.

my flatmate's curtains aren't great and she has flashed the old man opposite on about 3 occasions since moving in. she is obscenely fit, and he has moved an armchair into that window, i am sure this is coincidental. also we both have an unfortunate tendency to flash the neighbours at the back by opening the fridge naked in the middle of the night. stupid interior light.

i really don't want them to know that when i first moved in and didn't have enough airing racks or clothes horses, i would just throw out my bedding and buy a new set every fortnight.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:53, Reply)

Someone's going to say it
Your flatmate; POIDH
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:54, Reply)

no, i don't want her to sue me
suffice it to say, she is annoyingly hot. even my personal trainer said, "christ there isn't much i could do for her, is there?"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:57, Reply)

As a man, I've never believed that a girl can be annoyingly hot
Frustratingly hot, now that's another matter
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:01, Reply)

as a girl, the annoyance is strong

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:02, Reply)

What, cos you're so minging?
I'll never understand why hot girls give themselves a hard time whilst various men slip over in pools of their own drool as they pass
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

Darth Pandatron!

( sporters I’m sincerely gratitude to you, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:13, Reply)

Nah, I'm off her list apparently
It's actual frustration rather than pandering. If Swipey chooses to see a compliment buried somewhere deep in my post, then good for her.

Hang on, I need a poo
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:15, Reply)

no, i took the insult, as always
it's what i do best.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:20, Reply)

You and I may have more in common than I first suspected
Not intelligence, profession, gender, geographical location or history, sexual proclivity (I really don't like cock), attractiveness or willingness to attend a gym, but the insults thing. Fo sho.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:24, Reply)

it is annoying if they are also extremely thick

(Zoz prayed for twink on, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:02, Reply)

I find the thick ones more likely to let me take a poke
(speaking from no experience whatsoever, as a serial monogamist whose two relationships have both been with hyper-intelligent women)
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:09, Reply)

I just assumed Swipe was saying that her flatmate was going through the menopause
And that she was suffering from annoying hot-flushes.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:02, Reply)

don't you have a meal to cook or something?

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:20, Reply)

Or an aged female relative to visit?

(porkylips looks better as the sun goes down., Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:39, Reply)

You keep your bedding on for a fortnight?
Surely one of the pleasures in life is getting into a nice, freshly made bed with clean bedding on a Sunday night?
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:56, Reply)

now that i can wash it, it gets changed weekly
even though i was buying cheap shit from argos, even i drew the line at BUYING a duvet set a week!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:56, Reply)

This is beyond ridiculous.
Buy a new duvet set every couple of weeks because you didn't have enough airing racks.
( JeffTheDogFucker Can you dig it?, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:59, Reply)

basically yes
but it was so cheap, like a tenner a pop, it was almost as much money to run the washing machine!

anyway now i have airing racks and designer bedding, so everyone's happy.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:01, Reply)

It doesn't cost a tenner to run the washing machine.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:06, Reply)

that was how i justified it
anyway that was a long time ago. i don't do that anymore. it's just the only shameful thing i could think of, that i wouldn't have wanted my neighbours to know what was in my rubbish sacks.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:12, Reply)

It's not much less than that
if you go to a launderette. The big machines you can fit your bedding in are about £5 a pop, and then you have to keep feeding the dryer 50ps...
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

You probably disagree with taking your shirts to the dry-cleaners for washing and ironing!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:02, Reply)

i agree with somebody else doing it for me
dry-cleaning is one of the brilliant perks of my lovely law firm.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

I live in one of those.
Well it's Georgian-looking but really Victorian. Same difference.
trust me, they can hear you.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:10, Reply)

i'm surprised they haven't all moved out
walls are one thing, then there's fireplaces. doom.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:14, Reply)

Yup.
Irritable camel man comes up through the fireplace in one bedroom, and yelpy woman comes up through the fireplace in the other bedroom.
These people aren't even in my building. It's the building next door.
I heard Next Door cough gently once, and then realised that as their living room is below my bedroom (their flat is one foor and mine flat is two floors and a bizarre L-shape, so Next Door are also Downstairs) I should move into the spare bedroom. My living room is below that. so no worries there.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:18, Reply)

you have given me Teh Fear now...

( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:20, Reply)

Sod 'em.
"It's just apartment house rules, so all you 'partment house fools remember: One man's ceiling is another man's floor."
They will have to put up with it. Or go and live in a barn in the middle of a field. I put up with irritable camel, and he puts up with me.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:23, Reply)

my brother and i used to love that song when we were little
the crashing bass piano made us laugh every time.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:30, Reply)

Yup!
"tinkly tinkly tinkly thinly tinkly twiddle-dee twidddle-dee deee, dum, dum..."
"BOM BA BADDLE DA DAAAAR DAAAAAR!"
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:35, Reply)

Alt:
That after 7 years of living next door to them, we still don't know their names. It's way past the point at which it's OK to ask.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 11:54, Reply)

Steal their post.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:06, Reply)

Not a bad idea
But we got a misdelivered letter the other day, and all it told us was that his first name begins with J
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:07, Reply)

Just call him J-dawg.

(PsychoChomp, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

That's not unreasonable
Norwich is da ghetto, after all
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:21, Reply)

i get my neighbours' post sometimes
the flat underneath me, which is still in its original grand format of 5 beds plus servant suite rather than being chopped in pikey halves like mine, is owned by an italian count and countess. i am always sooooo tempted to open it!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:16, Reply)

Pfft!
god you're posh.
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:20, Reply)

ha, i'm not!
fur coat, no knickers, me.

they might be posh, but i barely know them. i've been invited in for drinks once and that's it. i was very excited by the prospect of their son and heir, but he's only 17...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:21, Reply)

Age should be no boundary when it comes to the infinite mysteries of true love

(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:23, Reply)

you mean sex
typical man
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:29, Reply)

Actually I meant golddigging
THIS close to putting "typical woman", but I absolutely wouldn't mean it and I want you to not hate me. Any more than five minutes ago.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:32, Reply)

it's lunchtime
i'm too preoccupied with what to eat to hate anybody, given that i am going for a delicious jalapeno risotto OR falafel burger with skin-on fries this evening...
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:40, Reply)

Jalapeno risotto?!
Why that sounds magnificent. Not something I could ever cook for Ms Foxtrot but she's out this evening. I might go looking for a recipe. Thank you for the inspiration
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:43, Reply)

Haha, 17 is a ripe age
for turning up in an actual fur coat and no knickers and rocking his world to such a degree that he's smitten.
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:24, Reply)

nope I'm with rswipe on this
waaay too young
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:28, Reply)

Meh
the age difference can't be much greater than some of the couples on here. And you'd hope someone that privileged would be quite mature...either way I personally prefer older men as well, so *shrugs*
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:33, Reply)

I'd probably go out with a 20 year old
but definitely no younger.
( Amberl was stripey and dominated Europe, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:34, Reply)

Hang about
Your flat was originally 5 bedrooms and a servant suite and the rooms have been chopped in half? How many rooms do two hot girls need?

Please tell me one is the "pillow-fight" room
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:22, Reply)

sorry but no!
we have 2 double bedrooms, a lounge, a kitchen with dining area, hallway and bathroom. it's not that flash but the rooms are nice and big, those victorians knew what they were doing!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:28, Reply)

Speaking of which
The sister-in-law needs a costume fora fancy dress party, themed as "Victorian Literature". It's a gay man's party, surprisingly. She was most distraught when I pointed out that Queen Victoria died in 1901, 3 years before J.M. Barrie got around to writing Peter Pan.

Any suggestions? Other than Alice in Wonderland?
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:31, Reply)

dickens - easy and fun
get an old wedding dress from ebay and cut it up/mess it up.

miss haversham!
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:35, Reply)

I did suggest Miss Haversham but, get this,
apparently it's important to stay in character, and she doesn't want to sit in a chair being haughty all evening. Fucks sake. I then suggested she go as Estella because building up boys' hopes only to crush them shouldn't be too much of a stretch. I was VERY popular.
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:37, Reply)

tell her to go as oliver then
she can spend the evening at the bar saying "please sir, can i have some more?"
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:39, Reply)

*click*

(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:40, Reply)

Hahaha
Very good indeed
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:41, Reply)

Something from Dracula?
or possibly HG Wells but that's pushing it a touch.
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:35, Reply)

Mina Murray might be a good shout actually
She could dot he period dress relatively easily and paint a couple of teethmarks on her neck. Cheers honey
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:39, Reply)

Jules Verne
H Rider Haggard
(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:37, Reply)

Or you could go as a pirate
Treasure Island was that era I believe.
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:39, Reply)

It was indeed
Not many female characters in Treasure Island though
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:40, Reply)

Why does she have to go as a female character?

(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:42, Reply)

You haven't met her
As one of Ms Foxtrot's brood she's a Giant Woman and likes to dress as girly as possible so as not to intimidate men, apparently. She does the intimidating once they've plucked up the courage to speak to her
(Darth Foxtrot A one-man army dedicated to making fetch happen, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:48, Reply)

My flat WAS the servants' quarters (and schoolroom) when this was a house.
I know my place.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:25, Reply)

those are always the best bits
quirky ceilings and windows etc. i always liked the attic flats best when i was a letting agent.
( rachelswipe with a fork, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:28, Reply)

I do adore it
It's huge with amazing views and like you say, lots of quirks and features. And it's been home for almost ten years. It's getting a bit 'tired' though. And I want a poyr shoyr.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:33, Reply)

There's not much I wouldn't want my neighbours to know
I live next door to two good friends. The lady of the couple works nights too, so in the afternoons, one of us nips round to the other's in our PJs for a smoke and a cuppa.

All the other neighbours think we're mad and/or prostitutes, of course.
(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:02, Reply)

Mad prostitutes are the best!

( Naked Ape call me Caitlyn, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:04, Reply)

If only I knew one, I'd probably agree with you.

(BelladonnaAnodyne Melissa's gonna wet herself, I swear..., Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:06, Reply)

I think the most shameful thing is probably that I play pop music loudly sometimes
I'm not getting laid so it's not like they can hear that, and everyone else in the house smokes more weed than I do, so my extremely infrequent sessions go unremarked. They probably think I have a shopping obsession though, the amount of ebay/amazon parcels that I get...
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:23, Reply)

I dread the day when my neighbours realise that it's me blasting old Christina Aguilera songs while I do the hoovering.

(wellgroomedwookiee is a filthy-minded hobgoblin, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:25, Reply)

Haha!

(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:30, Reply)

Next time you feel like "Sparking up" a "zoot", try a nice cold refreshing bottle of Yop instead.
They have lots of different flavours.
( G/PP 💩💩💩💩💩&#128, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:26, Reply)

I made noise ONCE and got threatened.
I DIDN'T make noise on an occasion when I was out all night until 5.30am and still got the blame.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:26, Reply)

I think I've always managed to keep any noise
within the bounds of responsibility. Certainly I could never be as bad as chavgirl who lived in the flat underneath, who used to get all her mates round and hotbox in a studio flat and set the fire alarms off at 4am, then ring the fire brigade because 'their flat was on fire'. Cretins. Moved out now, thank fuck.
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:29, Reply)

Next Door plays drums.
But their bedroom is kind of its own separate 'wing' off the side of the house. Therefore the only time I've heard the drums is when I've been round for a party.
( Roota zweeeeeoooooowm, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:34, Reply)

The people next door have a band
but because I don't share a wall with them, I don't hear them unless I'm walking past outside. Shame - they're rather good, and that kind of neighbour-noise I don't think I'd mind!
(berk, Tue 15 Feb 2011, 12:37, Reply)